A Letter to Sleep (you wily fker),

Dear Sleep,

You’re on my shit list.  We had a date last night.  As we always do.  Which is why it’s defined in our contract as a “standing date.”  I waited for you.  For hours.  You didn’t show up.  I find your behavior rude and inconsiderate.

You’d better have a really good excuse for last night and show up at my house tonight.  On time.  You’re in breach of contract, pal.  While I am permitted to show up for you when it fits my very busy schedule, it is your job to be there for me whenever I need you.  That’s the rule.

Force my hand, and I will have no choice but to spend some quality time tomorrow with either your brother Nap or your renegade cousin Passout.

Weigh your choices carefully.  At this time, I’m willing to give you another chance.  That will most certainly not be the case again.  You have 33 minutes to prove yourself worthy of my (mostly) life-long love affair with you.  Starting…now…

Please.  Behave.  Thank you.

Kristi

PS:  if the exact time of our date is delayed due to the fact that I have been forced to write stupid letters to you reminding you of your duties, that is your fault, not mine.  You’d better be waiting for me.

I’m pretty much guaranteed to look better. Tomorrow. Or sometime. Maybe.