Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Dear Special Needs Google Mama, who Thinks it Sucks

Over the years, I’ve seen a few big things.

They include life-changing opportunities, mind-altering moments, and messes caused by my toddler son in the backseat of my car that rival those of even drunken college friends who used to drive around while hoarding discarded take-out containers and empty beer cans.

They include the disasters that only a two-year-old can create in a restaurant, forcing his parents to wrap their food to go, leave a disgustingly large tip, and then attempt to do a head-down walk of shame to the exit while wrestling a screaming small person who remains pissed that his ketchup and salt artwork project was left unfinished.

As parents, we see a lot of big messes and moments. We see breathtaking milestones, new experiences, and the occasional expensive couch ruined by a blue crayon (weep).

Tonight, here, on this blog, I think I saw a bigbigthing. It was big to me, anyway.

Somebody found Finding Ninee by Googling the term “Being a special needs mom sucks.”

That feels Big. Heartbreakingly incorrect. Occasionally true.

It makes me mad. Sad. Madsad.

Somebody consulted the almighty Google looking for validation that being a special needs mom sucks.

Who the fuck Googles that?

Wait. Sorry.
Here’s a letter to you, Special Needs Google Mama:

Dear Special Needs Google Mama who thinks it sucks,

Sometimes, being a special needs mom does suck.

Sometimes, we see our kids and their differences. Imagining their futures is enough to cause paralyzing panic, worry, and a wish for enough money to ensure that they’ll be okay, forever and always, no matter what. And we know.

We know, that it’s never enough.

Each of us grieves the children we’d imagined. We grieve the ones the thought we’d be raising.

Dreamed of. Can almost-maybe-almost see, sometimes.

Kristi and Tucker November 2009_edited-1

Whatever place you were in today, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you were in pain, probably exhausted, most likely terrified, and alone, at the computer, searching.

Searching for validations that your feelings that “this sucks” are not without sisterhood.

Searching for somebody – anybody – to let you know that, whether you’d finally gotten your little one to sleep, or whether he was screaming in the background while banging his head on the floor –  would get it.

I get it.

Sometimes, it does suck.

Tuesday night, my son Tucker said that he wanted a book while we were eating. Or, well, I thought he said that he wanted a book. He wanted a fork. My little boy wanted a fork and I thought he said book. I felt awful and he felt frustrated, and for that moment, for those few confusing minutes while we were figuring out that he wanted a fork, and not a book, yeah…that sucked a little bit. That his brain knows what he wants to say and that he can’t say it 95% of the time sucks. That he cannot watch me eat without gagging. That sucks. That brushing his teeth, or cutting his nails, causes him angst and tears – that sucks. That he doesn’t like me to kiss him because my lips are “too hot” sucks.

But Special Needs Google Mama, being a special needs mom is also is the very complete utter and total opposite of suck.

We don’t get to choose.

We just are.

We Do. We Love. Mostly, we love.

We worry and care for. We dry tears and mend with kisses.

Our cuddles have the magical powers of nobody else’s.

All moms have those powers. Many dads as well.

So our kids have some delays. Challenges.

It’s not fair. And yet, it is. It just is.

We protect, and we teach them to fly. We guide, and we teach.

We let them jump. We clap when they fly and we kiss and bandage when they fall.

We are everything. We matter. We are everything. We are everything that matters, and we are all that matters.

And that, my lonely friend out there, is The Big.

Please, try to stop looking at your child’s needs, and start looking at him.

At the light. At the determination. At the resilience, and the love.

Do. Give. Love.

Give love to you, too, Special Needs Google Mama.

You deserve it and are worthy and you!!! Did. Not. Do. Anything. Wrong.

This is not your fault (unless it is, in which case that’s a different letter).

So your kid’s not perfect? None of them are. Sometimes, life sucks.

But our kids. Our kids.

My kid. Your kid.

They don’t suck.

They matter, and they are important and perfect.

And, it’s much harder for them than it is for us.

Sad Boy _edited-1

They’re not what you expected?

Well.

Are you what you expected?

I’m not.

Our children are not yet who they will become.

And neither are you.

There’s hope, Special Needs Google Mama.

And it’s up to you to believe. All of us, special needs or not.

We’re all hurdling through life, while hoping to fly.

We’re here, flying with anticipation, fear, anxiety, and doubt.

Being a special needs mom doesn’t suck. It’s life. It’s the ride. The hope. It’s the journey.

So, Special Needs Google Mama, whatever happened today that made you want to search…I hope that you found out that you’re not alone. I hope that you found that when it comes to the Bigbigthings, that, mostly, being a special needs mama is just the same as being a regular mama.

It’s the love.

It’s the journey.

It’s the hope and it’s just thislife.

Right here. Now.

Open Door tucker

Tonight. The anticipation. The open doors.

Tomorrow.

And it’s pretty fucking fabulous.

Love,

Another Special Needs Mama

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I once saw a big…” Today’s sentence was brought to you by Jen, of My Skewed View! Her extra cool prize is that tonight, she’s a co-host, too! Go show her some love!

Finish the Sentence Friday

Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
me: finding ninee

 


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Janine Huldie - I absolutely love your letter to this person. Seriously, who Googles that, but then again there are just a lot of crazy, stupid people out there. However, you handled this quite eloquently and perfectly I might add. Being a parent (period) can suck at times, but then again there are tons more moments that make it all worth it. So, totally agree with just as a parent here 🙂January 16, 2014 – 10:21 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree, Janine, to the who googles that but she must have been really sad and lost and feeling alone, right? There are so many moments that make it beyond worth it!!January 19, 2014 – 12:00 amReplyCancel

  • Don - Love it, Kristi! Hopefully, it wasn’t the parent of a special needs kid, just some random douche.

    Tucker’s pictures always make me happy. He’s a handsome little dude. You know what? You can take “special needs” out and just google – Being the parent of a child sucks. It sure does sometimes!!!
    Lots of times! I fucking hate it!! God, I wish I was at a tavern right now instead of at home…wait, what was I saying??? Lol. Nevermind. Great letter, ma’am!January 16, 2014 – 10:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Don, I agree that he’s a handsome little dude but also occasionally admit that I might maybe possibly be just a wee bit tiny biased. And yeah, you’re right. I can take the “special needs” out of it and it’s all still true. HAHAHA have a beer. Or 14. You deserve them. We all do.January 19, 2014 – 12:02 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - “Being a special needs mom doesn’t suck. It’s life. It’s the ride. The hope. It’s the journey.”
    This sentence hit home to me with a whallop. Amazing.
    You are one gifted mom. Love this post.January 16, 2014 – 11:02 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I don’t know about gifted, Kelly but thank you so much for the super-sweet and awesome comment. It’s the journey for all of us, right?January 19, 2014 – 12:04 amReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Wow. Just wow. I needed this. Thanks.January 16, 2014 – 11:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Linda, thank YOU. So much. I know you get all of this and have an even better perspective than I do as Lindsey is grown. And married! And happy and awesome. Because of you, in mostlyness.January 19, 2014 – 12:05 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Weird thing to Google – but I really can’t judge. My Google list is..more than mildly embarrassing.
    Hope he/she finds solace here. If he/she is looking solace, this is a great place to be.January 16, 2014 – 11:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Tamara, hahah to your google list being embarrassing. I’ve not told the other search terms that get people here, and won’t, but this one really touched me.January 19, 2014 – 12:06 amReplyCancel

  • jhanis - I hope she gets to read this and I hope she will find comfort in your words because she sounds like she needs a big hug.January 17, 2014 – 12:53 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree that she needs a big hug. I hope she finds it. Either online or at home. But somewhere.January 19, 2014 – 12:07 amReplyCancel

  • Considerer - That’s such a very, very painful thing to be searching. I’m SO glad it brought her here. Because you KNOW, and you care, and most importantly, you WROTE BACK. To someone in such a very hard place, that could be the most important, wonderful thing. And that’s HUGE Big.

    Hugely, hugely well done.January 17, 2014 – 1:46 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw thanks so much for getting it and for telling me that it’s HUGE big. I agree that she needs to be cared for and that searching must have meant that she was in Big Pain. And that just sucks.January 19, 2014 – 12:09 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I hope she finds you again Kristi, all the google mommas, because I’m certain she was n’t the first to have despair enough to type in those words. Hopefully she’ll find Our Land and see that she is not alone. I’m glad you got the picture of Tucker also, just a reminder off the things that you have both overcome.January 17, 2014 – 5:53 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw I’m so psyched that you loved the photo of Tucker overcoming, Kenya, and I agree that she’s not the first to feel such despair and also hope that she finds Our Land. I hope.January 19, 2014 – 12:10 amReplyCancel

  • The Dose of Reality - Beautiful letter that all parents should read. I could not have been nodding my head more at “They’re not what you expected? Well. Are you what you expected? I’m not.” Oh, so true. I hope that Googling mom finds this letter. I’m glad I did. –LisaJanuary 17, 2014 – 7:57 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m not what I expected. And thanks, Lisa Dose Girl. Thanks for getting it. So much.January 19, 2014 – 12:24 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I wish that mama could read this letter – maybe she will. I’m sure she feels alone, but she doesn’t have to be. I think that’s why mom blogs are so popular – we all need I feel like we aren’t doing this scary, wonderful parenting thing alone.January 17, 2014 – 8:11 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dana, I wish she would read it, too. I agree that mom blogs are so popular because they allow us to know that we’re NOT doing this whole amazing and terrifying parenting thing along. We have all of us. I have you. That’s big.

      (also did you get this because I’m not sure it’s working)January 19, 2014 – 12:26 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Wow! I have tears and that takes a lot because I rarely cry. I feel so bad for the mom who was desperate/sad/frustrated/scared/whatever enough to type in that search, BUT I am so glad it brought her to your site. I hope when she landed here she stayed a while. If she did, I’m sure it helped. You have such a beautiful way of looking at Tucker, seeing all of his wonderfulness, and sharing that with us. I hope that Google Mama is able to see that in her child, too.January 17, 2014 – 8:23 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa, I’m sorry that I made you cry but take it as a huge huge compliment given that you rarely do (I, on the other hand, cry often). I feel so badly for her as well, and thank you for your super-awesome kind words and hope that everybody can see their special needs kids the way that I WANT to (and don’t always) see Tucker. I hope that all of the everybodys see their kids’ wonderfulness. Thanks for an amazing comment, I appreciate it.January 19, 2014 – 12:28 amReplyCancel

  • karen - I love that your posts always either make me cry hysterically or laugh out loud. I think all mothers have moments when we feel desperate and alone, but we are mothers, we have a beautiful gift and magic in our lives everyday. No child is perfect, no mother is perfect. WJanuary 17, 2014 – 8:41 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, Karen! THank you. You’re so right. No child is perfect and us mamas aren’t either. It’s easy to feel alone. I am so thankful for blogging friends like you who remind me that I’m not.January 19, 2014 – 12:32 amReplyCancel

  • christine - Oh, I can imagine the kind of day the person was having when she typed that. Utter frustration and despair does happen to so many of us at some point. I hope the person took a look around your site. If so, she is feeling better now. You are a wonderful voice for all parents.January 17, 2014 – 9:21 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I can imagine her, too, Christine and it breaks my heart into a billion pieces. And OMG thank you for the amazing compliment. Not sure it’s true but we parents have to stick together and remind one another that it’s just sometimes HARD, right? xoJanuary 19, 2014 – 12:35 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - This post is poetic with wonderful messages for both special needs moms as well as all moms. I remember when I was first coming to terms with having a son with special needs and I met up with a friend of a friend for coffee who was a few years ahead of me in parenting a child with similar challenges. As she talked, I suppose she could see the fear and sadness on my face and she blurted out, “well, at least he doesn’t have cancer. I have a friend with a leukemia kid – now that gives you perspective.” Little did I know that years later, that statement would haunt me. I guess my point in telling you that story is that I completely related to your line of “It’s life. it’s the ride. The hope. It’s the journey.”
    Couldn’t agree more — especially now…January 17, 2014 – 9:30 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG Emily. Isn’t it amazing how those moments haunt us? When Tucker was still in utero, I had an amnio and when the doctor called me to tell me that the spots on his brain that they were worried about were okay I actually said “So he’s not retarded?” I said that. And that haunts me too. Big, huge and bighuge. I can’t even believe I said that word, now.January 19, 2014 – 12:37 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh I am so glad I never read my stats or how people come and find me. I love your letter though. Because it does suck sometimes being a special needs momma. but you know what? it sometimes sucks being a typical kids momma. Trust me on this one it was epic this morning.January 17, 2014 – 9:31 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I don’t really read my stats either but was not happy with this sentence and was trying to just avoid posting because I had nothing nothing. And I know. Sometimes, life is just sucky, special needs or not.January 19, 2014 – 12:38 amReplyCancel

  • Laura - What an absolutely amazing post! Friends of mine just had their new son about a week ago and learned that he was born with down syndrome. At the moment they’re lost, devastated, and uncertain of what they’re supposed to do. I’m going to email this to her and hope that it provides her with some comfort. Thank you for being the amazing person that you are!January 17, 2014 – 1:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow, Laura, I have some online friends who have children with Downs so let me know if she’d like to speak to them. It’s probably too early for her, but yeah, being lost and devastated is part of the process, I think. I was, for sure and it’s why I started this blog. I felt SO ALONE when I realized that Tucker was severely delayed with language and other things…so alone. But I’m not. I mean I am, but I’m not, ya know?January 19, 2014 – 12:43 amReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - I love you so, so much. The end.January 17, 2014 – 2:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Jessica - How sad and frustrated that person must have been. However, they couldn’t have landed at a better website. I hope your Land gives them some hope!January 17, 2014 – 2:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree that she must have been sad and frustrated and love that you think that she came for comfort here. I’m not sure what she saw so it’s entirely possible that she only saw the idiot me posts. I hope though that she found other mamas, like you.January 19, 2014 – 12:47 amReplyCancel

  • Ilene - I love this letter. And I hope that somehow that Special Needs Google Mama finds this. I hope all mamas find this, special needs mamas or not – because this main stream mama needed to read this as well. Our children are not yet who they will become . And neither am I. Brilliant.January 17, 2014 – 3:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Joy @ i can say mama - SO beautiful and true! <3January 17, 2014 – 4:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - Holy crap! I wasn’t prepared for this! I think your letter was the perfect blend of validation and inspiration. And I wouldn’t be surprised if someone found my blog by googling, “Being a parent sucks.” Again, I could write a similar yet different letter. Yes, it does suck. It’s also the best thing ever. (Please refer to our ongoing private FB message convo.) 😉 xoxoJanuary 17, 2014 – 4:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Steph, yup. It sucks and IS the best thing ever ever. And yeah, thanks for you. And the facebook convos.January 19, 2014 – 12:52 amReplyCancel

  • Joelle Wisler - This is lovely, lovely. And I shudder to think of the terms that bring people to my site! Most of them are hidden, probably for a good reason.January 17, 2014 – 6:53 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH to the terms that bring people to our sites. I don’t even often look any longer, but had NOTHING for FTSF and was bored, so…January 19, 2014 – 12:54 amReplyCancel

  • Erin - I.love.you. And your balance. Your boldness. Your heart. Keep preaching.
    .January 17, 2014 – 7:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Oh wow, Kristi. I hope she googles it again and finds this.January 17, 2014 – 7:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - Sob! I don’t know if special needs mama will read this post. I hope she does. I’m just glad that I did. And glad that you are in the world.January 17, 2014 – 8:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa Forever Five Blog - You go, Kristi, with your badass, heartfelt self! I connected with everything you wrote here even though i don’t know what a day is like in your shoes. I really connect with that struggle to accept what is and cherish it. Your poetic words in the middle of the post were like taking off on a wild roller coaster of emotions and I felt like I was right there with you. You have the gift of drawing readers in , that’s for sure. My kids would not be labeled as special needs (high needs would be appropriate imho;), but I spent more time than I care to admit trying to come to terms with the number of children I had. In my darkest hours with those thoughts and struggles, I often thought of moms of special needs kids and how they likely went through the same mourning and agonizing over what can’t be changed. In the end, parents never get whatever it was they expected. Whether it’s the number of kids, the level of functioning, the gender, the personality, whatever. The more I take time to love and understand who they are and who I can be as their mom, the more awesome it is and the easier it is to feel insanely grateful that we got a twofer the second time around!;)January 17, 2014 – 8:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG Lisa, thank you for this awesome and epic comment. I don’t know what a day is like in your shoes, either but I love your words and find you so relatable and real. The whole mourning and not being able to change things is big for us all, I guess, not just for special needs moms. All moms. Because none of us are raising who we thought we would be but all of us are raising the people we should be, ya know? I agree that the more acceptance we have equals more awesomeness and thankfulness for what we have.January 19, 2014 – 1:03 amReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - Well now this I get. I get it too much. From the email other mom’s send me, to the fact that my babysitter quit after reading my blog.
    Being a special needs mom is never easy, but it’s also amazing and wonderful and beautiful.
    And frankly, I think we have better relationships with our special needs kids because we are with them so much, and interact with them so closely. Which is a blessing, and a curse.
    I hope that mama reads this post, actually if she stuck around and read your blog, I’m sure she feels better already 🙂January 17, 2014 – 9:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I do know that you get it, Jen. So much and WTF to your asshat babysitter!?!?!? You’re right – it’s not easy but it’s so amazingly beautiful and perfect and I can’t imagine anything else. In fact, if Tucker were typical, I’d probably work more because I’d think that was “normal” and I’d miss out on SO SO MUCH.
      xo and TTTx10January 19, 2014 – 1:05 amReplyCancel

  • Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings - <3January 17, 2014 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

  • Echo - From one special needs mama to another, all I can do is applaud this post and your letter!

    *applauds*January 17, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Dawn - “They’re not what you expected?

    Well.

    Are you what you expected?

    I’m not.

    Our children are not yet who they will become.

    And neither are you.”

    This is what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
    And btw it wasn’t me that googled that, but it very well could have been yesterday.
    xoJanuary 18, 2014 – 12:13 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Ha to it not being you that Googled that, Dawn, but yeah, at some point, it could have been me, too. None of us are what we expected, right? xo xo to you, sweets.January 19, 2014 – 1:08 amReplyCancel

  • Menopausal Mother - Wow….this blows me away. Every time I come over here, I get a lump in my throat. Kristi, this is the type of post that needs to go viral—you need to reach other moms with this, to help them—it’s so beautifully written. You never cease to amaze me. XOJanuary 18, 2014 – 12:40 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Awwww thanks, Meno Mama!!! You’re pretty awesome your own bad self and I really appreciate the excellent sentiment. I just hope that google mama feels less alone if she finds me or you or any of us, ya know?January 19, 2014 – 1:10 amReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Could you picture her? Crying at her laptop with a child screaming banging his head in the backround and floods of tears drowning out her fear? Could you see her? Terrified of her next appointment with so and so, about this issue and that? Could you feel her? Suffering with angst at “what to do now???” Could you know all about her…

    Yes, you could. You do. This precious mama needed to know that.

    Beautifully said, my friend.January 18, 2014 – 12:41 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Chris, I could totally picture her, sad, weeping maybe, desperate, and whether her son was sleeping or banging his head nearby, I get her. I do get her and I hug her virtually and tight because life and mama-ing sucks at times. And yeah I am also very very thankful for YOU. And this beautiful comment.January 19, 2014 – 1:12 amReplyCancel

  • Christina Morley - Here are my favorite lines from this post:

    “We are everything. We matter. We are everything. We are everything that matters, and we are all that matters.”

    “Please, try to stop looking at your child’s needs, and start looking at him.

    At the light. At the determination. At the resilience, and the love.”

    Hugs,
    TinaJanuary 18, 2014 – 2:30 amReplyCancel

  • More Info - I must say you�ve done a fantastic job with this. In addition, the blog loads super fast for me on Safari. Exceptional Blog!|January 18, 2014 – 5:13 amReplyCancel

  • Jean - well, I knew synchronicity was the word of the day for me at TToT for Jan. 18, but not quite THIS MUCH! jean yates xoxJanuary 18, 2014 – 2:23 pmReplyCancel

  • Quirky Chrissy - This was so poignantly written. I’m not a special needs mama or a mama at all. But I spent two summers working with some of the most extraordinary children that I’ve ever had the pleasure of encountering. I taught reading comprehension with writing and math applications to children 5-20 who had a variety of special needs from PDD to dyslexia. It was amazing to watch them grow. I feel honored to have spent that time with them. And I can only imagine the amount of love in the hearts of those parents. Because I loved those kids, spending a small amount of time with them each day.January 18, 2014 – 2:59 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, Quirky Chrissy, I’m sure that they were very very lucky to have you as a teacher, because caring like that is 95% of the job and I love that you enjoyed watching them grow so much.January 19, 2014 – 1:27 amReplyCancel

  • Tarana - Beautifully said! If there’s one thing that all mothers have, it’s that they love unconditionally. And you know what the interesting thing is? When these moms have special/different circumstances, they love their kids even more.January 18, 2014 – 4:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Loving unconditionally is definitely a mom/parent thing. I thought that I LOVED before Tucker but it wasn’t the same, ya know? I mean it just wasn’t. I think that the special circumstances don’t always mean that we love our kids more but it does mean that we’re more aware of them, and the thems that will be here once we are gone because that part is just frightening and awful, if that makes sense. Thanks for the share and the awesome comment, Tarana.January 19, 2014 – 1:38 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - You are wonderful. This is wonderful. There is a reason God pairs the children and parents together that he does – I believe that firmly – and this just reinforced that for me all over again.

    I can only imagine what must have driven that mom to Google what she did. She was reaching out for something and I only hope she found what she needed. If she read your words, she is lucky indeed.January 18, 2014 – 8:33 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - LISA!!! Yikes. Thank you. I hope she found what she needed, too, and appreciate your sentiment that it might be here. Wherever it was, I really hope she found it and thank you!! XOXOOXJanuary 19, 2014 – 1:51 amReplyCancel

      • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - OH I hope that YIKES was good, not bad! Meanwhile, I just got done reading your TToT and see??? Connection happened because it maybe was supposed to! AAAHHHH!January 20, 2014 – 12:56 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Lisa, yes, it was a good Yikes! Awesome to the connection. And now I wish I had soup to eat.January 20, 2014 – 6:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Louise - This is beautiful. As for who googles something like that? Someone who is scared. And I really hope they came back here again and read this.

    You know? Sometimes being a parent sucks. Full stop. Sometimes your kids aren’t “what you imagined they’d be” for any number of reasons. When you become a parent – or as you are imagining what it will be like – you can’t help but imagine the ideal. Nothing is ever ideal. And there are 100 little parenting failure moments every week where you KNOW it didn’t go as you pictured it, and you try to figure out how you could have done better … But once you leave that crazy spot of “fear you can’t do it or are mucking it up somehow” and realize your kid isn’t suppose to be an ideal – or a project – they are just suppose to be “them” – I think that’s when you can just work on making them a happy “them”.

    I don’t have a special needs child and still much of what you says resonates. My daughter had a helmet for plagiosephaly (flat head – so, obviously I thought that was my fault); she’s had eye surgery for a lazy eye; and she isn’t getting her numbers and letters as fast as some of her peers in JK so there are numerous notes home from the teacher suggesting ways we can “encourage” her. It’s so hard not to take it as a judgement on your child and your parenting. And all this is just mostly “normal” stuff (for lack of a better term). I can’t imagine the added pressures of raising a child with additional needs. If I feel my life sometimes “sucks” I can imagine how Googlemom sometimes feel the same.

    It feels a bit odd adding this here – but I nominated you for a Sunshine Award – you are really one of my favourite bloggers/people I’ve met via blogging. No worries if you don’t do awards – just my way of saying I love what you do (and if I ever strike oil or win the lottery I’m totally helping you open your school!): http://babygatesdown.wordpress.com/2014/01/18/awards-awards-awards/.January 18, 2014 – 9:27 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Louise,
      You’re so right that sometimes, being a parent sucks, full stop. None of us are raising the children we imagined we’d be, right? UGH to the parenting failure moments, of which there are too many and as a kid, I had no idea existed. I love how you say that once we realize they’re just supposed to be “them” that we can focus on making them happy.
      And of course you thought her flat head was your fault and of course UGH that when the school sends any suggestions home that it’s a judgement – OMG and these teachers?? Some are amazing and awesome. Some, aren’t parents, some are, but the ones that aren’t parents yet, I can’t help but wonder if they know how to talk to us. I believe they can be and are amazing teachers but I also know they don’t know how to speak to US. AND OMG thank you so very much for the sunshine award and for helping with Our Land School if you win the lotto. You rock, my friend. Big time.January 19, 2014 – 1:59 amReplyCancel

      • Louise - I think one of the things I struggle with is just knowing how hard to push my child to learn whatever it is she is struggling with. I’d figured out by the time she was two that anything “fine motor” wasn’t going to be her strength. On the flipside, she rocks imaginary play, is very thoughtful and can swim. She just wasn’t interested in writing out letters, stacking blocks or making collages and throwing another “busy bag” or craft project at her wasn’t going to change that any more than another note home from her teacher pointing it out. We read together, we have a magnetic letter board, we count stairs, we have playdoh and art supplies galore. I figure there will be a moment where it just “clicks” and kids learn at different rates at young ages. But every now and then I get a note home that makes me feel I should be drilling my 4-year-old with flash cards and making sure she is properly holding her crayon; colouring in the lines; and cutting out perfectly shaped hearts. But then I figure if I take all the joy out of the moment, she won’t want to do it all. And she’s 4 for Christ sakes! Today she drew a recognizable triangle. I’ll take that as a win. I know school is all about structure and benchmarks and comparing my kid to others. And it’s very hard for Type-A Overachiever me to try and let her be her – and encouraging that without being overbearing.

        Which brings me back to – wow – if ever there was a role specifically created to make you second guess EVERYTHING you do – it’s parenting. And so – sometimes it sucks.

        Again – wonderful post.January 19, 2014 – 8:56 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Louise,
          You are the bomb diggity and are SO RIGHT that parenting makes us second guess everything and I completely agree that it would be plain old crappy to drill your 4year old with flash cards and would make her enjoyment of learning not enjoyable. Wha-hoo to rocking drawing a triangle! That’s awesome. Thanks again my awesome friend.January 20, 2014 – 6:20 pmReplyCancel

  • Kathy at kissing the frog - “Are you what you expected?” No, no I’m not the mom I expected. Mostly because being a mom is a lot harder than I ever could have imagined. Ths is powerful and raw, and good for you for writing it.

    And no, I haven’t forgotten about Our Land. I’m just still catching up from the holidays. I will contact you soon. xoJanuary 18, 2014 – 11:05 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kathy, I’m SO glad that you’re still considering doing an Our Land. SO glad and thank you – I guess none of us are the moms we expected. It’s hard. Amazing, and wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful, but hard.January 19, 2014 – 2:20 amReplyCancel

  • The Insomniac's Dream - Kristi, this is beautiful. You’ve brought tears to my eyes and my emotions to their knees.

    All the fucking feels in the world right now.

    What you said in this letter – those words – they were Big BIG BIG.

    This could be applied to all Moms, all Dads, special needs, kids acting out, kids not being what you want, just kids.

    They’re all Just. Kids. They are all special.

    I hope she read this, that Mother.

    I hope all Moms read this.

    Dads, too.January 19, 2014 – 1:19 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Awe, Sleepy, thank you. I agree it’s not just special needs moms, or moms, really, who nee a reminder that they’re just kids, and special and perfect and not perfect. Thanks for the awesome comment, you.January 19, 2014 – 2:39 amReplyCancel

      • The Insomniac's Dream - Thanks for the awesome letter and reminding all of us what we’re here for.January 19, 2014 – 2:45 amReplyCancel

  • Manal The Go Go Girl - Kristi,

    I feel bad for this woman who seems so desperate. I hope that she’s reading this beautiful post and realizes that there’s so much hope and she’s not alone.
    You’re amazing! You make it look so easy to cope with. You are an inspiration!
    Hugs:)

    ps: I’m sending this post and your site to my friends. I was just talking about you at dinner tonight.January 19, 2014 – 1:37 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Manal, I feel so bad for her, too, and hope that she’s reading something anyway, to make her feel less alone. Anything really!
      And I promise I’m not actually amazing but my big fat almost ego makes me want to know what you were saying at dinner tonight of course. xo and thank you so much, friend. YOU are amazing.January 19, 2014 – 2:41 amReplyCancel

      • Manal The Go Go Girl - My friends have 2 autistic boys, ages 5 & 6..Daddy blogs and the wife has been asking him to blog about it. He has reservations because the 6 year old is high functioning and he doesn’t want to label him all over the internet but he said he wouldn’t mind sharing about the younger boy. I told her how amazing you are and how she could benefit from reading your experiences. I also told her she could do the blogging. Anyway, I did send her your link.
        My other friends are psychologists and they also have a severely autistic child so they turned their practice into The Houston Autism Center. I promised to do her first fundraiser Gala but my issues have kept me pretty busy. I pray that 2014 frees me and my cousins so I can go back to helping:)January 19, 2014 – 8:07 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Aw, Manal, I pray, too, that 2014 frees you from the awfulness that your cousins and you have faced. I cannot even imagine how you have kept from punching some of these people. I have wondered if Tucker will be angry/upset with me later, but have told myself that if he is, I unpublish this blog, and if he wants to, he can read it privately. I imagine that I will share fewer photos of him as he ages. With that said, having this blog has been a savior for me. I can’t say how alone I felt in not knowing whether he has autism or something else, and finding people that it doesn’t matter to. Finding people like you, who have become such great friends, through sharing our words with one another.January 19, 2014 – 9:23 pmReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - Kristi, If someone was having THAT day and landed on your blog, they are the better for it. I hate to wish that they would search it again so they would find this letter but if they should, and they do then you will have done an amazing thing for that person. I think your words benefit us all as mothers AND as people, period. I was touched intensely by your words and imagine by the looks of the comment stream, so were many, many others. This, among so many other reasons, is why you are one of my all time favorite people, even though we’ve never met face to face. I should be so lucky. Tucker is blessed….and very handsome!January 19, 2014 – 2:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sandy,
      Thank you so much. And you’re one of my favorite people too, and I so very much hope that we’ll meet in person!!! Thank you for saying that Tucker is blessed (and handsome – I so agree!!!), but honestly, it is he who has blessed me. So much. The big bless. xoxoxJanuary 19, 2014 – 9:29 pmReplyCancel

  • The Google Mama - I googled it! Just this afternoon.
    As much as I enjoyed your letter back to me & the previous googler…I must stress to you & the other commenter that clearly you and I mother son’s that are at different ends of the special needs world. I am happy that your son can communicate and hug, and interact and use a fork or possibly want a book. I am not that fortunate! My son is a victim medical malpractice resulting in severe traumatic birth brain injury. He is now 13 yrs old but is at a 6-9 month level developementally. What happened to us during his delivery & every single day of the past 13 years SUCKS! Please be open minded to the plights of all moms of special needs children….some of us have it much worse than you. Do not judge me, for I am a fantastic mother and have gotten my son further than anyone expected. I am deligant & I persevere! But the fact remains that it does Suck!January 19, 2014 – 7:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Google Mama,
      You’re right. It does suck. It sucks much worse than mixing up “fork” with “book” and it sucks often. It sucks every time a kid asks my kid what his name is and walks away from him when he tries to tell them.
      And, although I am not in your shoes, yes, it must suck much much much more for you than it does for me. It was not my intent to imply that I am judging, and I apologize if I came across that way. In many ways, this blog is a way for me to find community with other special needs moms, because the community of some of the typical moms that I once had has become too painful for me. It makes me sad beyond belief that your son’s needs were caused by a medical malpractice and I can only imagine that hurt, betrayal, and anger that you must experience daily, hourly, over and over and over again, knowing that if somebody hadn’t messed up, your boy may be doing what he was supposed to be doing now.
      If you would like to share your son’s story, I’d be more than happy to do so here. I actually have a series that is designed to educate everybody on acceptance and respect for every single difference that there is. I’m going to email you as well but promise you that I do not judge you and apologize if my post came across like I do. For me, it is a reminder – to me, and to others – that life is still fabulous, even though I continue to grieve the 4 year old that I thought I might have now. I miss him, although we’ve never met.January 19, 2014 – 9:20 pmReplyCancel

  • Meg Kra - Hey there! I saw you blog post on G+. I don’t have any children so I don’t completely relate to your topic. But it was very well written and it did touch my heart. I hope your Google lady finds your blog again because it sounds like you may have written exactly what she needed to hear. Keep up the great work.January 19, 2014 – 8:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Camille - Beautiful post!!January 19, 2014 – 11:03 pmReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - Once someone found my blog via search “Stick road cone in ass”
    I would have written a letter to this person on my blog but my blog is a pervert free zone…
    All jokes aside…
    This broke my heart. “Whatever place you were in that day”…oh how many of us struggling…no living and thriving with life challenges say “This sucks”? Probably all of us.
    But this? This is what that parent needed to read and I am so glad that you did. You’re a good mom and a good advocate to so many.
    Love you.January 20, 2014 – 6:43 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kim, HAHAH to Stick road cone in ass. Oh shit. Since I just typed that here, and you typed it, does that mean Google will send them here now? Or do comments not count so much?
      And thanks so much for your awesome kind comment, love. You’re right that there are days that being a parent sucks. That being a human sucks. And there are others that don’t.January 20, 2014 – 5:55 pmReplyCancel

  • Nancy - I didn’t have time to read all the comments so I don’t know if anyone else is reading this from the perspective of a person with a disability. But I related to this so much from the other side. None of my children have disabilities but I am profoundly deaf and sometimes I feel the same as the mother who sparked this blog post. Sometimes, it really SUCKS to be a deaf parent but luckily, it is rare for me to have days when I feel that way. Instead, I marvel at how much my children have adapted to having a deaf mother and I try to see how being a deaf parent enriches the experience of motherhood and childhood for my family. Thanks for this post.January 20, 2014 – 9:48 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Hi Nancy,
      Nobody else commented from the perspective of a parent with a disability and so I really appreciate your perspective. I’m glad that the SUCK days are much less frequent than the good and enriching days. Going to check out your blog now. Thank you again!January 20, 2014 – 6:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate Hall - I love this, Kristi. You have this amazing ability to move people with your words. I hope Google Mama stuck around long enough to see how awesome you are and is finding encouragement through your writing.

    And sorry I’m so late reading this. I suck.January 24, 2014 – 12:14 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - Geezus, this one made me cry, Kristi. You and your husband are not only blessed to have Tucker but obviously him, you. And the two of you are blessed as individuals. And yet two people who have united to a bigger love. Wow, wow, wow… No kidding who Googles that. Shaking my head. My fingers have stopped for a second here typing. Shaking my head again. All of my love and prayers to you guys always. Oh, how forgiving you were to that unfortunate Google searcher. Loved this 🙂February 1, 2014 – 9:41 pmReplyCancel

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