Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

I don’t know who I’m crying for.

Hi, friends. Today, I want to remind everybody that there is greatness. Empathy. Wonder.

But. I’m crying, and I don’t know who I’m crying for.

I’ve been really sad and angry about what’s happened this week. For those of you not in the autism community, you may be unaware of the recent tragedy. Kelli Stapleton tried to kill herself and her 14-year old daughter, Issy. I “met” Kelli through Jillsmo, during a fundraising effort back in February designed to help Issy receive further necessary treatment to address her violence.

In helping to spread the word, Kelli and I interacted a bit. Not much – I can’t really claim her as a friend in the way that I can claim Jill as one just barely because she may qualify more as a blog crush, but we were friendly. I guess I’m telling you this because Kelli was so lovely. So gracious. Delighted that we were helping to raise awareness for her daughter’s situation. She was funny and genuine.

She was nice.

Last week, she attempted a murder/suicide. And I don’t know what to think. I don’t know who I’m crying for. Am I crying for Kelli? For Issy? For Tucker? For me?

Yes, I guess. But I’m not sure.

I am sad. I am mad. I’m mad at Kelli. I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad and scared and hurt and worried that, in some cases, special needs people are SOMETIMES violent. I think that the fact that special needs can include violence is the hardest thing of all for me.

I keep erasing my words.  I have to ask myself what bothers me so much about this.

What I’ve come up with is that I don’t want you to think that Tucker is like Issy.

I don’t want Tucker to be like Issy.

And that, my friends, makes me feel like an asshole. She’s just a kid with autism and she acts out – violently – when she’s upset. She was in treatment for the past six or eight months. She was released. Kelli was happy to have her home. And then? Then, something happened and Kelli decided that it was better for both her and her daughter to be dead.

How does violence fit into Our Land? It doesn’t. So am I a hypocrite? There are people in our world – some with special needs and autism, and some without – who are violent.  And I don’t know where that violence fits. The fact is that the media uses autism as an excuse. It’s not. It’s a fact that violent acts are committed every day. It’s also a fact that more of them are committed by people withOUT autism or special needs than are.

But that some are committed by special needs people hurts. It hurts and it hurts to the point where I can’t think, can’t write, can’t process.

I recently wrote that if I had a choice to fix Tucker or fix the world, that I’d choose to fix the world. I still feel like that. But. In a case like Issy’s, I’d fix the child. I’d erase the violence.

Violence is never okay, right? So where does it fit and how do we erase it? If any of you have any insight, I’d appreciate it. I’m having a really hard time processing this whole thing and don’t know what to do with how I feel about it.

The media is dumb. Violence is more often committed by people without special needs or autism. But still.

I don’t know who I’m crying for.

—–

My husband advised me against publishing this post. But I have to. I don’t know how to do this processing thing differently. I tell myself that I can take it down, tomorrow. I likely will.  But in the meantime, I’d love your thoughts.

—

Ok. I won’t take it down. Please read this amazing post by Rocks, No Salt Mommy. I am humbled and amazed.

 


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Courtney - I know what you are saying…. I cry for a desperate mom who was pushed over the edge because treatments are expensive and insurance won’t pay… I pray for her, and all parents of children with asd. It’s a tough road and I can’t imagine what it’s like for parents with kids further on the spectrum. Hugs to youSeptember 11, 2013 – 11:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Kathy Radigan - My heart is breaking for this mom and her daughter. It scares me more than I can ever say. And it just reinforces my deep belief that there has to be more help for parents. There are some situations that are so intense, and painful, and complicated that they really seem suitable only for super heroes, not mere mortals. Thank you for posting this. It is such a hard topic but if we in the special needs community don’t bring it to light who will? My thoughts and prayers are with all involved in this horrible tragedy.September 11, 2013 – 11:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - I had not heard about this yet. I for one think you are brave and wonderful for posting this, and I applaud your honesty and even the rawness of this post. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to separate and make sense of your feelings of grief. I guess it doesn’t really matter who you are crying for. You can keep crying either way, for as long as you need to. Wish I could hug you.September 11, 2013 – 11:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah Almond - I followed Kelli’s blog as well as was a supporter of Team Issy. I was literally floored when I heard what had happened. I found out “something” had happened through a post on her Facebook wall by her husband. I had to google it to find out the situation.

    I’m not condoning what she did, but I think that most of us agree that there needs to be more funding available for services for special needs children as well as support for families. And it needs to be consistent from state to state and even school district to school district.September 11, 2013 – 11:20 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - Now I’m crying to. I can’t imagine a world that would be better without Isaiah in it. I can’t imagine a world that would be better without Issy and Kelli in it. I don’t care. As parents we have to pull our shit together, there is always hope even if we can’t see it. She had a humongous community of people willing to help and support her.
    I don’t know what I would do if Isaiah was violent. There was a time I was truly afraid he would burn our house down (not just how I joke about it now) there is not one flame producing contraption in our house. He killed some baby birds for cripes sake! But I reached out, and I was comforted.
    There is always help. There is never a reason to do what she did. She may not have liked her options, but none of them involved a life without her daughter, and leaving her other child without a mom!
    I hope she can forgive herself someday. I don’t know what else to say.September 11, 2013 – 11:25 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - I’ve only seen bits and pieces of this, as I am not really in the autism community… but I immediately thought to myself, “I must pray for this poor mama… and her child…and everyone involved.”

    As much as “on-line friendships and community” help and support, we really don’t know what goes on in the real life behind closed doors/off screen. I am guessing that there was a breaking point, and no one can judge.

    We also can’t project our own issues/feelings on another person’s situation. Every single human being is different and every circumstance is different: autistic or not. I would try your best to transform your anger into an outward pouring of grief and love for a desperate soul struggling and suffering so much that she tried to end her life and her precious child’s.

    Her child- her life. Not yours. Does that make sense, my friend?

    Detach the two as best you can, and I do think you may feel a liberation and a new light will come into your sweet, passionate heart. Filter your passion with a very narrow vision- one mom, one child- in pain. All the other variables are influential indeed, but not the center of this issue. Many may take it elsewhere, but I surely won’t.September 11, 2013 – 11:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - So, first I’m sorry you are so upset. I have to agree with Chris C above on two counts. First that online friendships are amazing, but there is so much you can hide or hide behind. You never truly know what’s going on in a person’s life. For that matter, even IRL you don’t always know. And second, detachment… it’s the only way to preserve your sanity. I’m TERRIBLE at it. I still cry every time I read or hear about Sandy Hook. Buddhism tells us to practice non-attachment because then we are better able to handle things that come our way. I’m going to be up way late tonight working on something not blog-related (wow!), so you can FB chat me or whatever, k? Hang in there. xoSeptember 12, 2013 – 12:33 amReplyCancel

  • Jessica - Oh, this is so incredibly sad to hear. I can’t imagine having to deal with something like that. And I can definitely understand your fears and anger, as well. I hope they can find the support they need. 🙁 And hugs to you!September 12, 2013 – 1:20 amReplyCancel

  • Michelle - I heard about what happened the other day, but I don’t know any of the background. I think its horribly sad that a mom was so burnt out that she just couldn’t go on and felt this was the best way to deal with it. The article I saw didn’t mention Issy’s violence. I’m sad for the whole situation.September 12, 2013 – 2:12 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Oh geez, I hardly know what to say. I just read the article. I wasn’t invested in knowing her story the way you do. In reading the article I just feel complete sadness that Issy is critical condition. Her words, and “extreme case of battle fatigue” speaks volumes. She shouldn’t have done that but I feel sorry for her – for both of them.September 12, 2013 – 6:30 amReplyCancel

  • SocialButterflyMom - This is heart wrenching…I’m with Deb: I cried for 10 days after Sandy Hook and still do every time I read about it. This must be consuming your thoughts. Definitely don’t take this post down. Let yourself be sad. We’re cruel and impatient with ourselves when we don’t allow the “bad” feelings (sadness, anger).September 12, 2013 – 6:52 amReplyCancel

  • Misty @ Meet the Cottons - i think you’re having a valid reaction to someone who has tried to committ suicide. the murder/suicide part is especially shocking. it’s not usually something that anyone sees coming, or most of us would try to help that individual before it gets to that point. and don’t forget that the person behind the blog, the person you think you know, may be nothing at all like the real person.

    it would be the most difficult thing to do as a parent, but if you’re child is violent beyond your ability to handle, you have to take some kind of action. and murder/suicide is not what i have in mind. i think doctor’s today just expect us to care for a child because it’s our kid, kids are our responsibility. and, i believe that to be true, but there are many ways to care for a loved one. and being their full time care giver isn’t the only option out there. at some point in the past X years it became unheard of to have your family memeber institutionalized. i mean that word is unheard of nowadays. and none of us are going to read about a family making that choice and applaud them for it, right?

    our job as a parent, is to take care of our children. but, we have to be honest with ourselves. not everyone is able to care for a special needs child. not everyone faced with a special needs child makes the decision to go to battle day after day, still hanging onto the thread of hope that someday your loved one will be better. i think there needs to be a lot more talk about how those better days may never come. maybe kelli and issy’s story would have ended differently fifty years ago.

    i think we hear about autism today and think of it as a new thing. but, autism has been around a long time. the concept has undergone many changes over the years, partly due to media attention and organizations who only show the “good” end of the spectrum. but, we are not the first group of parents who are dealing with this diagnosis. and we really need to come to terms with the good and the bad side of this diagnosis.

    at the end of the day, autism is just a label. it’s not that magic wand we are all looking for.September 12, 2013 – 7:06 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I would have published the post too. And the media is dumb. The world is filled with violent individuals, who are not autistic or special needs, and they don’t even have lovely sides as well. I read what Chris Carter wrote above, and wow. What she said! You are lovely. Chris is lovely. Tucker is lovely.September 12, 2013 – 7:12 amReplyCancel

  • Rachel - Your post has me filled with emotion. So much so that I don’t know if I can articulate myself. As a former educator of kids with special needs, I have been confronted by lots of “violence” in the classroom. At some points, it was a daily occurrence. The “outbursts” were hard to bear because of how out of proportion they felt, how uncontrollable they seemed. Administration, other teachers and, sometimes, even parents always wanted to demonize the child. I did on occasion too. Its hard on everyone, but the one thing I always tried to do was see the child as a WHOLE person. The truth was that the amplitude of the outbursts outweighed their frequency. Much of our day was beautiful. And I tried to focus on that. I am not by any stretch of the means saying it is easy, and the children who ended up needing to go to day treatment centers still haunt me. I feel that I failed them. But, truth be told, I did not fail them. The perception that administration had about them (as well as the media and public) did. I never got the chance or resources to help them the way that I could have. That is the shame. NOT the child.September 12, 2013 – 7:46 amReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Wow, in teaching I saw all ends of the spectrum and some of those with autism were indeed violent. But I never had to deal with this as a parent. So I am not even sure if I am qualified to comment here, but I feel terrible reading this and like you not sure who I feel worse for. The child doesn’t know any better and does have this issues because of being autism, but the parent probably was pushed to her limit, but not saying this excuses her in any way, but still I could assume this could really do a number on someone. I am truly sorry though and just know that I am thinking of you and if you need to talk you can always message me.September 12, 2013 – 7:47 amReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - I have no idea what it is like in her shoes. No one does. I’m going to touch lightly on this subject because like you, I have mixed feelings.
    I do not condone violence (against children, people) and if that violence occurs in a heat of the moment, if it occurs because of mental health issues (think of postpartum psychosis cases)the person who committed the crime, they need to be accountable for it.
    I feel incredibly sad that an innocent life was taken. I feel sad for the mom who felt like there was no way out.
    I don’t really know.
    I just feel sorry for the entire situation.
    I applaud you for writing this and I’m sending you lots of comforting hugs.September 12, 2013 – 8:08 amReplyCancel

  • Krystal - I know the mixture of emotions you are feeling and its not easy. Autism is not easy. Life is not easy. One of my ASD boys is violent – today I found out he bit and kicked his aide, whom he loves by the way. He has bit me and thrown things at me. He’s only 8. There is violence in autism – but there are so many good things too. I hold onto those good things on the bad days. You are not alone in your worry and thoughts. We are here for you – and thank you for writing. Much love!September 12, 2013 – 8:34 amReplyCancel

  • Sue - Don’t take this down. This is heartbreaking, I hadn’t heard either – but don’t take this post down.September 12, 2013 – 8:50 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I’m back again. Reading comments. I hope you keep the post up. There are some wonderful comments here. Our blogs are a means of communication in instances like this. Sometimes we don’t want to go there but we can help each other if we are brave enough to say what we are really thinking.September 12, 2013 – 8:52 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh my friend, I think you are crying for all of us. Those who love our special children, those who fear them and those who are doing their best to keep everyone safe.

    As one who (eons ago) went the road of suicide, I can say that it feels like the only option. The only way to stop the hurt, both your own and those you care the most about. I’m not saying what Kelli did was right or wrong. None of us have that right. She, at that time, was making the only choice she thought she had available.

    Jill said it best, where was everyone when Kelli screamed for help?

    I’m glad you wrote this honest post. It definitely needs to be included in Our Land.

    Our Land isn’t about creating a perfect society. It’s purpose (to me) is that we are trying to create awareness. That being special is different. Sometimes in ways that are simply awesome and some that are difficult beyond our wildest imaginations.

    We need to keep screaming for help and understanding. And empathy and wonder.

    Love you.September 12, 2013 – 10:06 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Wow! This is the first I have heard of Kelli, Issy, and their situation. It is most definitely heart wrenching in so many ways. It makes me so sad for Kelli to know that she was so desperate for help and support and answers that she felt this was the only solution. It makes me sad for what she now has to live with for the rest of her life. It also makes me sad for moms – all moms – who are at the end of their ropes, out of patience, out of energy, out of hope. I think all moms have those moments, but obviously some more than others. I won’t pretend to even begin to know how it must affect you. I am glad you wrote about it and I hope the support you get from your blogging community helps! (((HUGS)))September 12, 2013 – 10:25 amReplyCancel

  • Katia - I completely understand your intense emotional reaction to this. I am not nearly as connected to this story as you are, but Kelli and I have followed each other on Twitter and I read a couple of her blog posts and they stayed with me. I can’t say I was a follower of the blog. I had no idea this happened and I was horrified to read the details of the story. You are right, there is no room for violence in our land, but some will say that this was an irrational act. A purely emotional gut reaction of a broken mom. Does that matter? I don’t know. Some will say this was a desperate but thought-out act of saving her other daughter Ainsley from being the victim of violence. I don’t know what this is. Maybe a little bit of everything. All I know is that my heart broke this morning for Issy, for Kelli and for you.

    Finally, I am sure your husband has some valid and compelling reasons, but I don’t see why you would need to remove this post.September 12, 2013 – 10:28 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi Campbell - I have the most amazing friends in the world. Thank you so much you guys. For your words, for your support, for being wonderful. <3September 12, 2013 – 11:57 amReplyCancel

  • Considerer - This post should stay right where it is, Kristi.

    It’s absolutely brim-full of Truth. Not the nice kind, or the wonderful kind, but the hard, stark, nasty kind – and it’s absolutely valid too.

    Your confusion about who to cry for – valid.

    Your concerns about Tucker – valid.

    Your fears about the levels of support available for families whose kids have special needs – valid.

    I can say nothing better to you than to read Chris C’s comment. Print it out. Keep it close.

    Your situation – everyone’s situation – is different.

    Issy seems to have been an incredibly violent and strong young lady, and that nature, nurture or a combination of the two brought her to that place, is horrifying, upsetting beyond belief and completely unfair. It’s a perfect world, where the challenge of managing someone like her, alone, must seem insurmountable.

    That Kelli was unsupported and got to a place of desperation where she felt this was her only option, is just heartbreaking. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of anguish her decision must have cost her, and must still be exacting.

    The tragic situation of the whole family seems symptomatic of the rot which has set in. Less care. Less compassion. Less funding.

    We NEED people like you to publicise this – to advertise it – to proclaim it LOUD. This world – these kids – their families – desperately need advocates like you. And the more you can do – the more people you bring into Our Land, the better this world will be.September 12, 2013 – 12:26 pmReplyCancel

  • K - Kristi,
    I am really, really glad that you decided to publish this post. This is the first that I’ve heard of this situation, and my heart, too, is breaking for everyone involved. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to comment on this because I just don’t have any words…there are no words. And you’re right…violence doesn’t fit into Our Land, and it shouldn’t be a part of the world as a whole either…but working to create a more peaceful world, a world built upon understanding and acceptance, does NOT make you a hypocrite. And Our Land isn’t about creating a utopian society. To me, at least, it’s about constructing a world where Kelli would have gotten the support that she needed when she was crying for help…it’s about kindness and understanding…it’s a world where people are embraced, flaws and all, for who they are.

    Thank you again for posting this. I am heartbroken too, and wish that violence wasn’t a part of the world. Thank you for speaking up.September 12, 2013 – 12:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Jamie@SouthMainMuse - No I had not heard of this tragedy. Obviously this mother was beyond desperate — beyond rational thought. I will keep her in my prayers. And know that there are so many out there that need help to deal with situations that are so taxing physically and emotionally. Very sad indeed.September 12, 2013 – 1:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Absolutely you should have posted this, and you should keep it up. You capture the tragedy of the situation – I am crying for everyone involved. Not wanting Tucker to be like Issy doesn’t make you an asshole, it makes you human. Regardless of what Kelli did, she didn’t want Issy to be violent, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want any other child to be either. It’s just so sad that she felt that her actions were a solution.September 12, 2013 – 3:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Lanaya | Raising Reagan - Situations like these can never be easy. My heart breaks for the pain that any family goes through when violence is brought into the fold. It just doesn’t seem fair.
    It’s OK that you don’t know where your tears and pain is directed. Unfortunately violence is a part of our world and it is heartbreaking that Kelli had to resort to such drastic measures instead of seeking out the support that can be there.
    I think you are incredibly brave for publishing this.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.comSeptember 12, 2013 – 4:20 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Oh, Kristi… I just read about this a few minutes ago… it is so horrifying, and I think speaks, in part, to how much more support we need for parents and for mental health care in our country. I think any time we hear stories about parents harming their children, it is gut-wrenching, but this hits a particular nerve. Unfortunately, I don’t have great advice for you, but sending hugs and compassion your way…September 12, 2013 – 6:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth a@ rocks, no salt mommy - I wrote this for you, Kristi: http://rocksnosaltmommy.com/tearing-down-walls/September 12, 2013 – 9:48 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - This such a sad, sad situation in every way, and I’m not surprised you feel churned up and don’t know who you are crying for. All I can add to what’s already been written is: be kind to you. When the thoughts come that you are an asshole – well even that’s your mind trying to find a way out of the confusion. It’s not true that you’re an asshole, but when these judgements feel true and you fight it, it feels even worse. When instead you notice what’s driving that feeling you can forgive yourself.

    You have fear for Tucker’s future and that’s a normal feeling for any parent, even if their child is supposedly normal (as if there’s any such thing.) You’re human and you’re hurting, and it’s okay to cry about that.September 13, 2013 – 5:09 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa - I am speechless about the incident with Kelli and her daughter and can’t find words to address it. On the topic of anger, however, I happen to be dealing with an extremely tired and emotionally drained 4 year old this week and the incidence of hitting from her rose sharply. I am not a mom of special needs kids, but my kids still hit sometimes when they are angry. All kids do. I think it happens when the feeling is bigger than any words they can find to express it. Maybe there is even a mathematical equation to determine how much greater the anger is than the child’s access to language at the point of violence. I, too have a visceral reaction to my kid’s physically hurting someone and I can’t imagine what that poor mom must go through with a violent teenager:(. Cyber hugs to you, Kristi.September 13, 2013 – 8:10 pmReplyCancel

  • Andi-Roo (@theworld4realz) - If it’s any consolation, I’m crying, too. For you, for Kelli, for Issy, for the whole situation, for me, for all the families facing this shit. I’m glad you posted this, and I hope you don’t take it down. For those of us not fully immersed in the Autism world, this post is the only way we could have learned what happened. So even though you were afraid, thank you for your bravery. xoxoSeptember 14, 2013 – 1:36 amReplyCancel

  • Robbie - I’m glad you hit publish anyway. I learned of this through Jillsmo and my heart breaks. Wishing strength and peace to all.September 15, 2013 – 1:21 pmReplyCancel

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