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Shadow Meditation Helped Me Lighten Despair

There’s a photo floating around social media and in the news. It’s a “First Day of School” photo, but not like any I’ve shared. It’s not like the one I’ll likely share next week of my own kid heading back to school. This photo’s of a little girl sitting on the floor with a slice of pizza on a napkin in front of her. Looks like pepperoni. A normal enough scene for a school photo, except that this little girl is sobbing into her hands, and her meal remains untouched. Why? Because her parents were taken for working illegally in a chicken processing facility.

A facility that I’m pretty sure most white people would only work at as a last resort. 

Why does our country spend so much money and so many human resources to round people up who have been here for years? They work. They have kids in school. Sure, I know there are some people who shouldn’t be allowed to come here, or anywhere. But most of the people who want to come to the US take the huge risk for a reason. People don’t just leave their home to be a burden elsewhere.

And now, we need to find alternative care for the children left behind. I won’t even go into the trauma each of these families and kids are going through. It will forever haunt them. They will never fully recover.

Why do we not instead spend this same amount of money and resources on oh, say, setting up facilities for asylum seekers to help process their papers more quickly? Why aren’t we the helpers who actually HELP people continue to be productive members of our society?

Unless you’re Native American, we’re all immigrants.

It’s not just the image of this particular little girl and so many others that break me. It’s the comments from actual humans who don’t see the horror in the act of raiding a chicken plant and detaining a bunch of people who are working (!) while their kids are at school. “Their horrible parents put them in that position,” they say. REALLY? It’s impossible for me to see anybody as horrible who’s hoping for a better life for themselves and their children.

This, along with the other horrific events that keep happening in the US cause me to shut down. I’m not talking about being uncomfortable. It’s more that I can’t think about ANYTHING without sobbing, and so instead, I tell my feelings to stop feeling, and vacillate between feeling too much to function, and feeling too little to be living.

We’re conditioned to feel like it’s not okay to feel uncomfortable.

After all, it’s almost impossible to sit with feelings seeing a little girl grieving what will certainly lead to months, if not a lifetime, of pain and separation from her own mom and dad. But we must. We must sit with these feelings. We need to send love into the world. We need to send love to ourselves. 

A while back, I asked for help. I’m in therapy and also seeing a wellness coach who did something amazing for me Thursday. I still carry the “First Day of School” photo of a sobbing little girl in my mind and heart constantly, but I’m carrying it more easily, and with love for her. For each person wronged this week, and in this life.

Shadow Meditation Helped Me Lighten Despair

I won’t be able to give an exact replay, so I’ll focus on the highlights, and the feelings, instead. I met a woman named Jessey who runs The Wellbeing Path (highly, highly recommend) through a dear friend (Stephanie), and she’s incredible. She’s welcoming, forgiving, understanding, and truly helpful. She’s a gifted wellness coach who is able to help people feel lighter and more grounded.

She guided me through something called a shadow meditation. I’d never heard of it before, but basically, each of us has a shadow self, which is the parts of ourselves we’re ashamed of, embarrassed by, or otherwise repress and hide. 

After talking about how I feel for about an hour and some other stuff, we got into the shadow meditation. She had me focus on breathing, and of course, because I suck at meditating and practicing self care in general, I thought about monks in Tibet and other stupid crap I think about when trying to meditate that is the opposite of meditation. She helped me get there, though.

She had me envision a stairway. I pictured it as concrete and dark, until she told me it was a safe place (and I’m not explaining the calming power of any of this very well, but it was truly amazing and transformative) and it became white, and soft.

She had me descend the stairway and then envision a safe, calming room, and then a safe place to sit. After sitting on a sofa surrounded by running water and white light, she had me invite my shadow self. I was convinced she wouldn’t appear, but she did. 

She was shaped a little differently than I am, more like an elongated triangle body with a circle head, but I knew she was me, at different ages and in different times. 

It was kinda like this, but way better

I hugged her, and was told to ask her what she needed. “Love, joy, and hope,” she said. Jessey then had me ask what she needed to feel these things. “Play with me,” she replied.

There was more to it of course, like later trying to figure out when I lost play, but the entire experience was so unique and amazing, and it honestly helped me feel better. I felt lighter, and more hopeful. 

Jessey made some suggestions about how I can hold small ceremonies to help combat some of the hate in this world by sending love. I send love to the little girl whose first day of school will always be the day her parents were taken. I send love to her parents, and all of the parents. I send love to all children, everywhere. I’m trying to send love to myself, too. I think it’s working. I feel a little better, although I still want to do something. Do more than donate, and call, and vote, and pray. Calming myself seems to be the first step though, and so today, I’ll drive up Pikes Peak with my husband, son, and our dog. And that’s something. 

Holding you in the light, and with love. 

XOXO,
Kristi

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, with the prompt “Uncomfortable.” I was going to skip writing completely, and then decided to push through my discomfort. It’s not my best post, but it’s not my worst, and it’s from my heart. If you’re feeling helpless and broken, and need some help, visit Jessey at The Wellbeing Path. She does Facetime sessions too, if you’re not local.

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  • Echo - My dear Kristi, I feel you on this more than I can express in typed verbage. I too, have been experiencing mental and emotional shutdown and disassociation, because I just can’t right now.

    I can’t with my son. I can’t with my daughter. I can’t with the shootings. I can’t with the trafficking. I can’t with the mother fucking world.

    Luckily, there are a few lights that peek through the cracks of my darkened self. Lights like the love and support of my husband and the monumental love and warmth from my friends, I can feel it, even through the internet. I hope you can feel what I am sending to you.

    *holds up her whiskey in a jar*August 10, 2019 – 7:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG Thank you for saying so. I sometimes feel like a stupid white snowflake getting so worked up but I can’t even breathe through it. Thank you for understanding and for your sweet words. They help a LOT. Same with the lights. I send so much love to you and yours. I definitely feel your love and strength here, and thank you again for that. Here’s to the whisky in a jar, and to one day, us meeting in person, because I’m pretty sure we’re soul sisters.August 11, 2019 – 8:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Aw, Kristi honestly I am at a loss for what just keeps happening in our country right now. That said, I am truly glad you found a bit of peace of mind in this session you had. Also, hope you drive with your husband and son helped, as well. Hugs and wishing you a peaceful end to this weekend now <3August 10, 2019 – 8:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Janine, thank you thank you. I can’t even believe it. I did find peace in the session, for SURE, and I’m really glad I went. I actually almost cancelled because it was a long drive, but it was one of the most memorable days from this summer. Hugs and love to you, sweet friend.August 11, 2019 – 8:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya - I’m glad you pushed through and wrote what I believe most of us are feeling. I feel like part of me is unplugged. I can’t understand either for the life of me why so much energy, time and money had been put into removing illegal immigrants but seemingly not for human trafficking. And I can only imagine the worse for the children left behind that this will contribute to growing hate unless they find loving, nurturing families and then that might not even be enough. What has happened in the souls has happened, it’s permanent and irreversible.August 12, 2019 – 8:34 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think the “unplugged” feeling is exactly it. The whole week, I wasn’t really “living” at all but just going through the motions unless I was sobbing to Robert about how messed up this is and what can we do and and and.. ugh. I don’t get it. The poor babies. And you’re right – even with the best loving families, who is in charge of this? What if they’re giving these kids to people who support acts like this?? What will they learn, and omg this is when I just can’t and am not even sure how to help. Hugs and love to you and yours. I’m gigantically on the “send love into the world to combat hate” phase now. Obvi, you’re the opposite of the hate, but that we have a connection, and can send love and light to each other is something, I think. I hope. xoxoAugust 12, 2019 – 8:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Debi - This is a wonderful practice! My good friend Andrea (vibrationscoaching.com) leads people through these kinds of practices, which she calls “spirit journeys.” I love that idea – it helps me separate it from meditation, which, as you describe, seems more focused on emptying the mind. I’m not ready to empty! I just want to fill it with something better.

    I’m so glad you shared this, because people who think of these kinds of things as being only for tibetan monks will know, now, how powerful and fascinating they really are!August 15, 2019 – 5:47 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - They are so powerful and fascinating and honestly, I always enter into experiences like this with trepidation, and each time I’ve done it, I’m so glad I did, and feel a lot better. I like the idea of spirit journeys.August 15, 2019 – 5:10 pmReplyCancel

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