Friends, I have to admit that although this sentence has been in the back of my mind since last week, it’s now 9:30pm on Friday and I still have no idea how to answer. All week, I’ve considered skipping this. In recent posts, I’ve positioned myself as a some wanna-be-funny-writing-while-drawing-stupid-pictures-blogger person. Which is great, and earned me a spot in the top 50 in the Circle of Moms contest (thank you HUGE for your votes).
But funny is not all that Finding Ninee is. It’s not how Finding Ninee was created and it’s certainly not why I’m frustrated.
I have super-intense internal debates on what to share. If you’re a long(ish)-time reader, you know this. If you’re me, you’re conflicted.
So…I am going to try, beginning now, knowing that most of you FTSF people wrote something days ago, edited it accordingly and posted it tonight, to participate.
Here goes.
I get so frustrated when people tell me that Tucker is “normal,” or “not delayed.” Don’t think for a minute that I don’t wish he were typical (which is what we say in special needs land – because what is “normal,” anyway?). I’d trade anything for my baby to NOT have these struggles. I’ll jump up and down and dance like a crazy person the day that he says “Tucker” rather than “Tu-er.” The kid can say “rocket,” “bucket,” and “Michael” just fine. But “Tucker?” Nope. Not yet.
Tucker IS spoiled. He IS coddled. He IS a total mama’s boy. But those are NOT the reasons that he falls on the autism spectrum and they are NOT the reasons that his language is less than some 18-month-olds.
Believe me when I share that I have blamed myself a thousand times over and, try as I want to believe that his delays are my fault, modern medicine proves that it’s not.
I get so frustrated when people don’t understand why I put my career on hold for part-time work so that I can be there when my son gets speech therapy, ABA therapy and school. I had my first and only baby at 40. I’m going to be there for him. And I get frustrated when my colleagues don’t get that.
I get so frustrated when I’m the asshole who doesn’t talk about my son’s delays. The fact is…I don’t want you to notice them. And maybe you wouldn’t. If you ask him a question, it’s possible that you’ll just think that he’s shy.
I get (a little bit) frustrated when I feel like I’m letting you down by posting this random emotional baggage instead of drawing you stupid pictures. I also know that this is my blog, and Tucker’s blog…and if you’re not happy reading this, that you will move on. I know this. But it still makes me sad. And I still get frustrated when…
In other news, I won the Capture That contest on Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine? How cool is that? Cool.
Finish the Sentence Friday is hosted by:
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by Kristi Campbell
Kerri - urgh I feel your frustration. I hate, wait, HATE when people say Boo is normal, spoiled, whatever…by the way you don’t always need to bring the funny. We like you the way you are!February 15, 2013 – 11:10 pm
admin - Thanks, Kerri…I have a hard time being honest about Tucker…as you know..February 15, 2013 – 11:37 pm
Emily - I’m still reading you, whether you are drawing funny pictures, making me laugh, or ranting about your frustrations (which I completely get as you know). I commend you for getting this post up tonight, while I wasted time trying to join some Twitter wine party. I blew off FTSF because I just couldn’t think of anything to write. How lame is that??February 15, 2013 – 11:11 pm
admin - Twitter wine party??? And I missed it??? So not lame, at all…LOVE the twitter wine parties!!! <3February 15, 2013 – 11:49 pm
jillsmo - I have a number of things to say in response to this post!
Thing the first! You aren’t the only blogger to have struggled between being a serious, autism blogger and a funny, stupid drawings blogger. NO, I’M SERIOUS. Have you seen my blog? Well, yes, you have. I’ve been at this for a few years now and I’m constantly going back and forth between those two things, and I have struggled with that whole “blogger identity” thing for a long time. But the truth is that life is not always funny, and life is also not always serious, so you’re going to write whatever is in your head at the moment. What you need to figure out is WHY you blog. What is your purpose here? Is it just to get shit out of your head? Is it to promote yourself? Is it to generate revenue? You need to find your purpose, and then you will be able to come to terms with what you post here. My blog is what I call the dumping ground for the bit of stuff in my brain: Brain Bit Dumping Ground. Seriously, that’s what I call it. And since that is the purpose of my blog, that is what I will do with it. And it’s true that I have readers who are only interested in one or the other, and those people will come and read the parts they like, and then probably not read the others, but that’s just how it goes. But what I think is important to remember is that you (or I) don’t owe anybody an explanation for what you have chosen to do here. You do what you want; be true to yourself. That’s the only way this will ever feel *right* to you.
And thing the second!! I think your struggles with your son are made more difficult by the lack of a clear diagnosis. It’s hard to know what to feel when you don’t have a name for what’s going on. Give yourself a break. You love him, you don’t really care what’s going on with him because that’s not going to change how you feel about him or how hard you fight for him. Choosing not to talk about something that is not clearly defined does NOT make you an asshole. Trust me, I’ve seen assholes, and you ain’t one.
And, finally, thing the third: Other people are assholes, and they don’t know your life like you do.February 15, 2013 – 11:12 pm
admin - Jillsmo,
Wise you are. You are wise. Yoda thinks so and I know so. Thank you so much for the advice, reassurance and reassurance. Did I say I appreciate the reassurance?
I really should decide what Finding Ninee is going to be, or what I want it to be. I like the Brain Bit Dumping Ground but it’d be excellent if it were to generate revenue as well, although that seems a lot harder to make happen than simply wishing for it.
I <3 you and I <3 your blog - all of it. Because it rocks. I suppose after I've been doing this for as long as you have, I'll have a better feel for what, exactly, I'm doing here. Thank you. 🙂
PS - SO relieved I'm not in the asshole category!February 16, 2013 – 9:32 am
Henriette - Here is the funny thing; if you didn’t spend your time helping Tucker with his speech therapy, ABA therapy etc. some people would hold that against you too! Sometimes you can’t win, haters are gonna be haters. At the end of the day none-NONE- of it matters because the only thing that DOES matter is what feels right for you and Tucker! So simple, but yet sometimes so hard… Hugs! xxFebruary 15, 2013 – 11:44 pm
admin - Henriette,
You’re so right! How did I get so lucky to have such amazing friends, anyway? Thank you! You totally ROCK.
xoFebruary 16, 2013 – 9:33 am
Janine Huldie - Kristi, neither of my kids has autism, but my first (Emma) spoke a bit late and I remember worrying and also feeling like it was something I did wrong. Emma has a cousin who is the same age (5 months older) on my husband’s side and she was speaking in sentences by before 2 years old. For me, it drove me crazy and made me feel awful at times. We tend to want to beat ourselves up don’t we? I am a stay at home mom, so much falls on me, too and during that time I felt like I was possibly lacking and not doing enough. I also had just given birth to my second and being torn in half. Talk about mommy guilt. Kristi, I think you are the best mother to Tucker and please don’t feel anything but. Know that you are his biggest advocate and strongest supporter. Thank you seriously for sharing this and know that if you ever need a friend to talk to I am pretty good listener. Thanks again for linking up and have a great weekend!February 16, 2013 – 7:11 am
admin - Janine,
Thank you so much- you are SO sweet to offer your ear! I may just take you up on that 🙂
And yes, we do tend to beat ourselves up…I guess blaming ourselves just comes naturally as moms. Thanks for hosting the link-up and have an awesome weekend!February 16, 2013 – 9:35 am
Cathy - When you have kids, they become the center of your universe. Period. In an instant, they’re all grown up and gone. You’re a great mom. Don’t let anyone’s opinions influence how you raise Tucker. Trust your gut.
As for Finding Ninee, it might get boring if it was the same every day. Again, trust your gut! And stop trying to second-guess yourself. I for one love reading whatever you choose to share. <3 UFebruary 16, 2013 – 11:23 am
admin - Cathy! <3 YOU! I have the most awesome friends on the planet. Thank you so MUCH!February 16, 2013 – 12:37 pm
Kate Hall - I love this! You don’t have to write funny and draw all the time. People like you and you’re writing and that’s why they follow you. I think it’s good to be serious sometimes and write random things. It helps us to get to know you better. Maybe I should take my own advice.
Also, I’m always beating myself up b/c of my children’s speech issues. They were all born with cleft lip/palate, so they’re going to have speech issues, but I always feel like I’m not doing enough – not paying enough, not getting enough speech for them, not practicing with them enough. Then when I do ask them practice and they hate it, am I doing it wrong? Are they going to hate me for making them practice? Gah!February 16, 2013 – 12:53 pm
admin - Ugh, Kate, I know exactly what you mean when you wonder whether your kids will hate you for making them practice. It’s SO hard. When Tucker first started speech therapy, she began with some compliance games, like putting a blue box on the floor, placing objects around and directing him to “put the red bird in the blue box.” He had to do them one at a time in the order we gave him. It was horrible at first. Seriously awful. He threw the biggest fits, scratched at his face, awful crap. After about five days (and the day I’d said to my husband that we weren’t doing this anymore because I didn’t think it was helping), he GOT it. It was amazing to see. Almost 9 months later and we still occasionally play it. And he likes it now. Hang in there. Even when they hate it, they’ll hate not having tried to overcome as much as possible even more.
Hugs.February 16, 2013 – 4:57 pm
Brett Minor (@brettminor) - I don’t have to deal with the issues you mentioned, but I believe you finished the sentence well. Whether tackling the issues of one person’s household or another, it is incredibly frustrating when people who are not part of your unique situation don’t pause to try to have some understanding about something they do not know. It is even more frustrating when they think they know.
As for the content of the post, it was real. I am a humor blogger and 90% of the stuff I write is to get a laugh. I have a lot of fun with it, but every now and then life just sucks. The first time I let that show on my blog, I was offered lots of support from the blogging community. They said that they felt they had been given a more genuine peek into my life. I still write humor, but don’t shy away from getting serious every now and then.February 16, 2013 – 2:40 pm
admin - Brett, thanks so much for the comment. And you’re right – every now and then, life does just suck. I’ve found that it’s impossible to make other people laugh when I can’t find my own smile some days. Love that you got so much support from everybody when you first shared the sucky moments with your readers. I’m feeling really lucky for all the support with this post, too.February 16, 2013 – 4:59 pm
Courtney - I get what you are saying. People think saying: I can’t tell this and that about your child, is encouraging to us. However, what they don’t understand is that it discounts your struggle, your journey, your search for answers. When you have a typical kid, the journey to get there is so different. The struggle matters, and makes the triumph great. We don’t want our victories squashed. If you don’t have a kid with special needs it’s hard to relate.February 16, 2013 – 9:41 pm
admin - Courtney, well said, sister. Well said. Saying a kid is FINE when he’s not might feel like a compliment. I might have made the same mistake before…but you’re so right. If you don’t have a kid with special needs? You can’t get it. Which, I suppose, is how it’s supposed to be…
Thanks for the comment <3February 16, 2013 – 9:49 pm
Joy - Oh Kristi, I so get what you mean with your frustration. In our case it is clear by now that Sunny is not typical and nobody would ever tell us that he is normal and not delayed and that is so frustrating, too. 🙁
As for your blog, I willingly repeat myself: blog what you want to blog and don’t give a thing on whay anybody expects from you. I am sure that you will find your blogging identity as the time passes. Just don’t feel compelled to write something just to please other people.
Huge hugs!
JoyFebruary 17, 2013 – 4:12 am
admin - Joy! I’m so glad you’re back from your trip! How was it??
And yeah, I think the older they get the more obvious it is. At Tucker’s age, it’s not obvious right away that he’s delayed or on the autism spectrum. That becomes clearer when you hear him talk…sigh…
Hugs back XOFebruary 17, 2013 – 8:44 am
Mama Meerkat - I’ve had well meaning people tell me that Mini seems fine or they would have no idea or that she’ll grow out of xyz, and I think they are usually trying to make me feel better… It is really frustrating. I don’t think people realize how dismissive it can feel to be told your kid seems fine when they are anything but fine, especially when you are in that diagnosisless limbo. But then some people get weird when she doesn’t respond or react how you would expect a typical child to, so I think we just can’t win…
Anyway, I enjoy your blog when you write funny things with illustrations and when you delve into more serious topics. I’m also in the process of trying to figure out where I’m going with my blog, and I think it is okay for the the process to be an evolution. 🙂February 17, 2013 – 10:56 am
admin - You are wise, Mama Meerkat! Thanks for the comment. And yeah, it’s pretty much frustrating either way…sigh…February 17, 2013 – 2:47 pm
Kenya G. Johnson - Awww, well I love your pictures but we have to keep it real sometimes, and you didn’t lose me because you did. I’m frustrated for you and don’t understand why your choices are any of your colleagues business.
Congrats on the caption that, I’ll have to go see which one it was.February 17, 2013 – 7:41 pm
admin - Thanks, Kenya! You’re right. My choices shouldn’t be colleague’s business. Sometimes it’s like I disappointed them by not going with the nanny option. Glad you’re still here regardless of no terrible drawings 🙂February 17, 2013 – 8:05 pm
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. - Hey friend, I”m back! I’ve got a lot of reading to do to catch up… I for one am SO glad you finished the sentence this way. I think it would be a tragedy if you felt like you had to make everyone laugh and tell funny stories and draw for us all the time. A really wise person I know made some comment on a serious post of mine that I didn’t have to be funny all the time, that everything I wrote was REAL. And ME. You should remember that. She’s a fuckin’ cool chick… I loved this post- thanks for sharing with us.February 18, 2013 – 5:34 pm
admin - YAY, I’m so glad you’re back! And thanks for the awesomeness. YOU ROCK.February 18, 2013 – 6:01 pm
Alicia - Lost In Holland - What I adore about your blog is you can be funny and irreverent one minute and poignant and deep the next. Parents to special children are not all ‘one thing’ and I applaud you being able to show all sides of yourself here. Keep being you – ALL the pieces of you. It works and it’s real… that’s all that matters 🙂February 21, 2013 – 6:29 pm
admin - Alicia! Wow, I really appreciate the super-sweet comment! Thanks so much for the validation. And you’re so right – parents of any children aren’t all “one thing” only although sometimes those of us with special kids have lives so focused on them and their needs that it’s hard to remember…and not feel guilty sometimes. Thanks again 🙂February 21, 2013 – 8:18 pm
MMO - Some really wonderful posts on this website, thank you for contribution. “A man with a new idea is a crank — until the idea succeeds.” by Mark Twain.March 5, 2013 – 1:18 am