Climbing Back on The Parenting Book Wagon with a Review of Dr. G’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate”

When Listen to Your Mother DC Show producer Stephanie Dulli shared my What it Feels Like to be a Special Needs Mom video on Facebook, she said that the quote that most resonated with her was when I said “You realize that not only do you have the wrong parenting books, but that you’re in the wrong library.”

When Tucker was younger, I religiously consulted about 20 parenting books. Most were on sleep habits, but I’d also earmarked pages for when to expect a first smile, when he should begin to roll over, and what would happen when he began to eat solid foods. I looked to the experts to reassure me that yes, it was normal that he woke up at midnight and 4:00 am every single night, that the fevers we think are high as adults are actually not as terrifying as we think they are when they occur in young children, and that we are not alone.

That crying and sleeping too much or too little and yellow drizzly poop are not cause for concern. I loved those books. I needed them.

I needed them for a while, anyway.

Once we realized that Tucker was developmentally delayed, I gave away my parenting books.

All of them.

I unsubscribed from emails that pinged my inbox with chipper-looking subject lines like “He’s 18 months old, and saying these words now!” Not only were the constant unmet milestones painful to read about, but we really had no need for the books and emails any longer.

We realized that Tucker is Tucker, and will meet what he meets, on his terms. So rather than learning about parenting techniques sold at the local chain bookstore, it became my mission to learn about Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy (ABA), speech therapy, and the difference between Preschool Autism Class and Non-Categorized Preschool programs for special needs children.

Today, though, my beautiful little boy is into his second week of kindergarten, and he’s thriving (thank you to all who reached out privately to reassure me and ask how he was doing – I so very much appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement). Like, he’s really doing well. He’s talking and looking and playing and he is Happy when he gets off the bus every day. His speech therapist and aide and teachers seem wonderful and supportive and very open to learning about his individual needs. One even shares his love of the color orange.

So when the fabulous Alison Lee asked me to do a book review of Dr. G’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate” book – I said yes! And you know what? It feels kinda good, this getting back on the parenting book wagon. It is one more reminder that while Tucker may be meeting milestones at a different rate from many of his peers, he’s also just a little kid who likes fart jokes, too much screen time, and would prefer candy for breakfast to all else. Dr. G addresses those issues by the way, and more.

I didn’t agree completely with every point made, like teaching children to call people “Sir” and “M’am,” because I personally very much dislike it when people call me “M’am,” and we’re working on getting “her” vs. “him” worked out right now. I agreed with much of her book, though. I really liked her ideas about how to get children to help with the process of donating unused toys. I love that she included a section on Seeking Out Diversity – because YES! Diversity! Empathy and Wonder for everybody!!

I think one of the best things about this book is that while much of it feels like it’s common sense, it’s the kind of common sense that we need to more mindfully consider. There are days when parenting is just getting by. We’ve all been there.

My hope is that with some of the important points shared in this book, that on those days, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I’m remembering to be the type of mom that I like while also effectively parenting Tucker.

Following are five things that most resonated with me from Deborah Gilboa’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate” book:

1. Stop trying to make your kids happy. But don’t we all want the happiest kid on the block? Yes, of course we do. However, what lessons are we teaching our children when we focus on trying to make them happy? Dr. G has some important tips and insight here. I especially needed this reminder as much too often, I give into Tucker asking for a new toy because make him so happy. This chapter was worth the read alone.

2. What you do is more important than how you feel. I know. I was all “what, what?” too. But the way that Dr. G explains it, it totally makes sense.

3. Practicing practicing. I especially liked this section. It reminded me of my dad’s answer to my question about why I had to learn chemistry, knowing I’d never be drawn to being a chemist, doctor, or any of the sciences, ever. His answer was that I was learning how to learn. That’s stuck with me, all these years.

4. “Catch them doing good.” I love that quote. It’s so important (and also a very large part of ABA therapy) to celebrate our kids’ great behavior.

5. Bullying. How to recognize when your child may be bullying another, or is being bullied himself. I’m always hungry for information on recognizing whether a child is being bullied. It’s one of my greatest fears – that my son will be bullied or made fun of due to his speech and language being often unintelligible. I appreciated these easy-to-read lists.

Overall, like I said, much of this book felt like common sense. But it also felt like the kind of common sense that we need to read, and share, in order to truly live it.

Have you read this book? If so, what did you think?