8 ways to foster self compassion. Or, how not to be, or raise, an asshole.

Almost every time that we go to our neighborhood playground, we see the same little girl. She must be about seven years old, and she’s always there alone. I’ll refrain from having an opinion on her being there alone all the time, because this is not a post about that, but one about self compassion and bullying. This little girl is a bully. She is mean and she’s nasty. She calls kids “dummy,” “stupid,” and  “dum-dum head.” She makes them cry.

On the day she said that Tucker was weird, I confronted her, and told her that it’s not nice to call other kids names. I asked her whether it would hurt her feelings if somebody said that she was weird. She agreed that it would, and I felt like I’d accomplished something Good.

But her bullying tendencies have stayed with me. Haunted me. Because if there’s one thing I will never compromise on, it’s in my belief that we are all important. Whether your child scores the winning touchdown at his football game, or is the one who needs earphones in order to sit through that game, they are connected.

They are special, and unique. They are loved, and they love. They have the power to change perception. Their’s, and other people’s.

They have the power to change everything. All children do. All people do.

Next fall, Tucker will, for the first time in his classroom history, be with more typical children than with kids who have special needs. Will they bully him? I recently wrote about hoping that school won’t crush my special needs little boy. In that post, I shared how a work friend has a special needs son and had a less-than desirable grade-school experience. Her words “there’s no fixing low self-esteem” bothered me. They stayed with me and made me want to build the Best Special Needs School in the World. I will never compromise on not wanting Tucker to feel loved and accepted for exactly who he is, regardless of his abilities, or struggles.

Raising a son who will likely need special education support throughout his school career is terrifying. Raising a son who may one day come home from class feeling dumb, and less-than, and letting his feelings of inadequacy make him give up is heart-breaking. Wanting him to have good self esteem felt natural to me. I was raised in a culture where self esteem has great import, and honestly, I never thought much about the meaning behind it until the lovely and talented Yvonne Spence, of Inquiring Parent and author of Drawings in Sand (an amazing book by the way) commented on my post. She wrote:

“What the focus on raising self-esteem has done is to make people think the way to feel good about ourselves is to be above average. Obviously, we can’t all be above average. It’s impossible. So instead, it’s much more helpful to teach compassion,including self-compassion. Then we can feel okay even when we don’t succeed. Self-esteem emphasises differences, so creates a sense of separation; self-compassion emphasises commonality and fosters connection.”

In her post Self Compassion – Does it Work?, Yvonne discusses Kristin Neff’s book Self Compassion, and how it’s helped her to learn kindness and empathy for others and for herself. She wrote:

“It seems hard to believe now, but when I read Self Compassion a little over a year ago, I didn’t particularly like the idea that we’re all in this together, or that I am no different to anybody else. I still carried remnants of that belief that the way to succeed, the way to be happy, was to stand out, to be special.”

All this time, I thought self esteem was a good thing. It’s not, though, when you look at it through the lens of self esteem being dependent upon being different from, and better than one’s peers. I know that Tucker already struggles with the “I can’t do it” mentality, and it makes me profoundly sad.  Already, I have heard my almost 5-year old say “I can’t,” and “it’s too hard” when it has come to pronouncing a word, or forgetting the number nine during a counting game. Sarah from Left Brain Buddha also wrote about self compassion recently (and regularly writes about its sister, mindfulness). She said:

“Our self-esteem is often tied to our accomplishments {getting an A on a paper, cooking a healthy, balanced meal, or exercising five times a week}. But if this is what we want to give the medal for, we can set ourselves up for self-criticism when we don’t accomplish those goals.”

As did Deb, from Urban Moo Cow in her powerful Our Land post about body image:

“In my land, everyone would practice self-compassion. We would all accept our basic humanity — our utter imperfection — with equanimity and kindness. Eating a bowl of ice cream would no longer raise the specter of self-loathing. Nor would being fired from a job. Each event would be treated as it is: a moment in time, a mere transgression worth overcoming.”

Perhaps I’m late coming on board in realizing that there is a profound difference between self esteem and self compassion, but I’m here now, and plan to no longer strive for self esteem for my son or for myself, but for self compassion for each of us.

To the goal of helping all of us – from the little bully at the playground, to society in general, and to myself and to my son – more easily remember the import of self compassion, here are some ideas on practicing it ourselves. 8 ways to foster self compassion. Or, how not to be, or raise, an asshole.

1. Treat ourselves the way we’d like people to treat those most dear to us.
2. Remember, always, that we’re in this crazy, beautiful, scary, frustrating, rewarding life together. We are all connected.
3. Recognize when we are in the moment. It’s not always easy to examine why we don’t want to get on the floor and play with trucks, but it’s kinder to acknowledge how we feel (annoyed, busy, like we should be doing something else). I’ve found that once I recognize why I don’t want to play, I am able to realize how important the play is to my relationship with my son, and enjoy it more.
4. Focus on what really matters (hint: it’s not the size of your pants or the label on your handbag). Focus on the humanity. The beauty. The pain. Focus on the friendship and the laughter. Focus on the fact that being different does not mean being less.
5. We are all good enough. No matter what comes easily to us, and no matter what we struggle with.
6. Have fun with your kids. Have fun with yourself. Laugh, dance, and celebrate.
7. Children’s curiosity over differences in skin color, hair color, and ability should be handled with gentle care. It’s okay that Tucker recently asked one of his sitters “Why are you brown?” There’s nothing wrong with noticing that somebody uses a chair to get around, or that a friend’s eye color is different from your own.  We are all different, unique, and wonderful. We are all important. And we all feel as if we’re not, much too often.
8. Everybody is close-enough to being the same on the inside.

   Here’s to all of us remembering that we’re more the same than different, that we’re in this together, and to be kind to others and to ourselves. Here’s to me learning to accept the bully on the playground, and to me going out of my way to be kind and compassionate to her the next time I see her. Here’s to Tucker learning to do the same. Here’s to Tucker learning that whether he’s the quarterback, or the boy who chooses to not attend the game because it’s just TooLoud, that it’s okay. That he’s okay. That we all, in our own ways, are okay. More than okay. Connected. Beautiful. Important. Here. Here, together. Do you have tips for self compassion that I missed? Please share them in the comments if so. For ideas today, in addition to gaining perspective from the fabulous writers mentioned here today, I watched this video by Kristin Neff at SelfCompassion.org.  This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday Post.  We will be taking the entire month of July off from FTSF. The next sentence will be:  The most amazing thing my body has done is… (co-host Ruchira Khanna) on August 8, 2014. Your hosts: Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine? Stephanie: Mommy, for Real Me (Kristi): Finding Ninee Today’s sentence is “The one thing I’ll never compromise on is… ” submited by Tarana Siddiqi of Sand in My Toes. Please show her some extra love.