Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

I blog because of you. I blog because of us.

I started blogging because I was lost and confused.  Terrified.  Lonely.

So lonely.

Learning that there’s something wrong with your baby and not knowing anybody who has heard similar news introduces a level of loneliness and bewilderment that trumps even the first day of high-school and entering the lunchroom by yourself.

To combat that, I started writing.  I started sharing because when I started searching, I found communities that didn’t feel right for me.  I wanted community.  I wanted you.  I wanted us.

I blog because I found you.  I found moms with children undiagnosed.  I found moms with children diagnosed with a variety of things who welcomed me into their communities because being a special needs mom is something that a mom cannot understand unless she has sat in a doctor’s office wanting to fall to her knees -and trying to wait to do so privately.

I blog because I found moms who don’t know what any of that feels like and still see ME.  Mom-me.  What a relief to be seen as just a mom.  A mom who is allowed to share that sometimes, hearing “chase me!” ilicits an internal groan. Moms who understand that showering is a luxury and one not always worth pursuing.  Just mom moms.

I blog because I want to remember that I am a person and a dumbass with a whole separate self from my son.  That I, too, exist and have memories worth sharing. I blog because there are times when I choose to draw stupid-looking pictures and not say anything at all about Tucker, about special needs, about today’s IEP, about anything but the whatever thing.

I blog because when I don’t feel like being funny and drawing stupid pictures, you’re still here.

I blog because a mom who could have been me 11 months ago reached out to me…“please help me…” And because of Finding Ninee, I was able to reach back and let my new, unsuspecting sister know that she is not alone. That it’s okay that hearing the word “autism” for the first time fills you with ice and fear. She’s not alone. You, out-there mom, navigating unfamiliar murky shark-filled waters, you’re not alone. And therefore, neither am I.

I blog because tonight we went to the playground and there was a little boy a head shorter than Tucker who created amazingly complex games involving Tyrannosaurus Rex, a maze, a race and a mallet.  Hoping that his mother would tell me he was six, I instead heard, from him, that his birthday was in March and that he turned four and that something is wrong with Tucker.  I blog because I came home and I cried about that.

I blog because of the legacy.  There will be a day when I am not here.  There will be a day when Tucker is interested in who I used to be.  When he questions how much I loved him.  When he worries about being different.  When he wants to know more about me and about himself.

I want him to see that I existed outside of his needs.  Outside of him.  Sometimes, even outside of myself in an effort to create empathy and wonder and acceptance for everybody.  With Our Land, I blog to remind you that those who cannot speak have a voice.  That those who cannot walk have dreams of running. Of flying.

I want Tucker to know what I believed in.  I want him to know that I had the ability to laugh at myself.  I want him to know that humanity matters and that I will forever love him.  That I struggled with accepting that he would face unfair challenges and that if I were given a choice, I’d gladly trade anything for him to not have to face them.  That he is accepted and loved and cherished and important regardless of them.

I want him to read that I love him more than anything.  Than everything.  I want him to see that there are people out there like you who will help him and embrace him regardless of his ability to communicate and to socialize and to understand.  I want him to see your comments and your love.  I want him to see that he matters.

That he can change the world.

My son has forever has changed my role in the universe. He has changed me from being me.  He has made me more.

I am more.  I am more because I am a special needs mom. I am more for being a mom at all. I am more because of Tucker, because of you and because I blog.


Were you hoping for something more lighthearted with stupid-looking drawings?  If so, I’ve talked about why I blog and how I began here.  You’ll get your stupid-looking pictures fix there.

I’m a co-host!

The super cool kids who created Finish the Sentence Friday (I joined the minute I learned about it and am fairly sure I haven’t missed a week since) have agreed to allow me to CO-HOST tonight.  You don’t have to follow me unless you want to, you don’t have to um, whatever it is they do in host linkie things. Which means I’m the best co-host ever right? Ok maybe not. Still. I’m super psyched to be a co-host this week.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I blog because…”

Your hosts:
Well, tonight, Me!: Facebook, Twitter and always:
Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic (Twitter, Facebook)
Can I get another bottle of whine? (Twitter, Facebook)
Mommy, for Real (Twitter, Facebook)
Dawn’s Disaster (Twitter, Facebook)


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. - I love this. It is perfection. It could not be more beautiful, honest, heartfelt, or striking. Way to set the bar high as a co-host. I think you might win FTSF this week. Much love… xoxoMay 23, 2013 – 10:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Aw, thanks, Steph. Thanks for letting me co-host. Truly.May 23, 2013 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - First off, congrats on hosting with these super-cool gals this week — you are awesome! And your post, well that too was very, very awesome and although I missed your hilarious drawings, your words more than made up for it. I could not have articulated any better all the confused, lonely, scary, wonderful, miraculous feelings that you described in being not just a special-needs mom, but a mom. And I now know that I blog because of you too. 🙂May 23, 2013 – 10:11 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi - Emily!
      I know that you can definitely understand how confused and scary and lonely it was to learn that you’re a “special needs” mom. I’m so glad that I found you in this journey of ours. Huge. Love that you blog because of me, too.May 23, 2013 – 10:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - First off, I am so happy to have you co-hosting with us tonight and was truly so excited that you wanted to join us. Second, your post is amazing, just as you are. You truly are such a wonderful, loving mother to Tucker and you are both so lucky to have each other. Thank you so much for just being you and so happy to call you a friend!! 🙂May 23, 2013 – 10:14 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi - Janine,
      I am so beyond excited to co-host tonight. Thank you for your kind words about Tucker and me and for allowing me to co-host. I really appreciate it. So much.May 23, 2013 – 10:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Janet - Fantastic writing and so relatable – brought tears to my eyes. I am truly grateful and blessed to have found your blog and met you! It is so helpful to know that I am not alone.May 23, 2013 – 10:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi - Janet,
      I am so glad that I met you, too. Thank you so much for reading and commenting (and your son – I don’t say other people’s names here unless it’s been written as ok – didn’t want you to think I forgot his name as I didn’t – just well, um ok…anyway, it seems like he’s really adapting to school!!!). Yay Yay Yay for that!!May 23, 2013 – 10:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Pam @ Whatevs... - This was so real. And re: leaving a piece of yourself that your kid can read someday so he can know more about you? Beautifully put! I forgot to add that to my list of why I blog but yeah, sometimes I think how cool it would be if my mom or grandmothers had blogged so I could see this other part of them too.May 23, 2013 – 10:32 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi - Pam,
      Wow, it would truly be amazing if we could read our moms and grandmother’s blogs from their perspectives at our ages. Awesome point.May 23, 2013 – 10:38 pmReplyCancel

  • henriette - You made me cry. Again. xxMay 23, 2013 – 10:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Sorry, H. If it makes you feel better, I cried reading it to Robert, too…

    (he didn’t’ cry though)May 23, 2013 – 11:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - Oh, Kristi that was just beautiful. All that you wrote comes through in your posts. Every time you post all that purpose just flows through your writing.May 23, 2013 – 11:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Jean,
    <3. Thank you.May 23, 2013 – 11:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Dawn Beronilla - Dear sister from another mister,
    I love you, and your beautiful words, so frickin hard.
    xoMay 23, 2013 – 11:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Dear Dawn,
    My saver from another waver (uh yeah). I love YOU so so so freaking hard. All the time.
    XO back.May 24, 2013 – 12:01 amReplyCancel

  • Mary-andering Creatively - Great post. Thanks for the inspiration.May 24, 2013 – 12:04 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Thanks, Mary! I appreciate the comment.May 24, 2013 – 12:53 amReplyCancel

  • Joy - You named so many of the reasons why I blog, too! I just love you post! And you know best why I started to blog in the first place!! xoxoMay 24, 2013 – 2:44 amReplyCancel

  • kerri - As I love this!!May 24, 2013 – 6:48 amReplyCancel

  • Anita@ Losing Austin - I’m just so glad you blog, but now I understand so much more – I hope for the same things with a different audience. To let others know they’ll survive their darkness, that they can find hope, and to leave a legacy.

    <3May 24, 2013 – 7:09 amReplyCancel

  • jddeneen413@gmail.com - Well shit man. Mine is lammmmmmeeeeee compared to this! Beautiful!May 24, 2013 – 7:20 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Joy,
    Indeed I do know why you started to blog in the first place. And I’m so glad that you did. And that we are not alone.May 24, 2013 – 7:50 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Kerri- I <3 YOU.
    -------
    Anita,
    I'm so glad you blog, too. 🙂
    -------
    Julie,
    SNORT. Doubt it.May 24, 2013 – 7:51 amReplyCancel

  • christine - Well, the ladies certainly know how to pick a co-host! That was an awesome post. Blogging is so much more about community than I ever imagined.May 24, 2013 – 8:09 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I’m not sure what to say, Kristi – that was beautiful. But beautiful doesn’t adequately describe how your words touched me. I’m just a mom mom – I don’t know what it feels like to have a child with special needs, but I’m so thankful that blogging has brought moms like you into my life. You inspire me, you make me laugh, you make me cry. You are definitely more.May 24, 2013 – 9:30 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Beautiful Kristi, I had goosebumps reading this entire post. I love the IRL pictures of Tucker as much as your drawing which are not stupid. I think they are brilliant!May 24, 2013 – 9:55 amReplyCancel

  • Jessica Smock - This was so beautiful. And rarely have I read such a powerful statement about the potential for blogging to provide us with emotional support and to help us be better mothers. Thank you for this. Just gorgeous.May 24, 2013 – 10:43 amReplyCancel

  • Bianca @ Track Pants and a Tot - Such a moving post! I do love that you were able to connect with someone else out there going through the same thing. Feeling alone is the worst feeling ever and when you find someone else, it makes things just a wee bit better knowing you’re not alone. Beautiful beautiful post.May 24, 2013 – 10:49 amReplyCancel

  • Lori Lavender Luz - You are for sure the hostess with the mostest. Or leastest…whichever means bestest.

    Our reasons are so similar. I first got into blogging in the infertility community. I represent both the greatest fear and the greatest hope for those still in the trenches because (a) I was never able to conceive, carry and give birth to a live baby — the fear, and (b) I got to be a mom anyway, to two amazing children (the hope).

    Love this: “I wanted community. I wanted you. I wanted us.” Like you, finding such community, finding my voice, has been a sea change in my life.May 24, 2013 – 11:05 amReplyCancel

  • Maggie Amada - Oh, Christi. I just sensed all the emotions you were putting on paper. You’re awesome and I totally love that you decided to start blogging. Whether silly pictures or serious heartfelt, it’s all very good.May 24, 2013 – 11:45 amReplyCancel

  • Maggie Amada - Kristi, of course it, would help if I didn’t misspell your name. Sorry about that.May 24, 2013 – 11:47 amReplyCancel

  • just JENNIFER - Beautifulness! Tempted….May 24, 2013 – 12:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Sylvia - I just found this post! I’m gonna write up mine and link up later! Thanks for giving us this opportunity to vent and share!May 24, 2013 – 12:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate - Ohhh hugs! So glad you get the support you need from blogging!May 24, 2013 – 12:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - Blogging is not only therapy, an outlet, a search for solace, and connections…it’s about hope.
    We support each other so much through this journey.
    I’m so glad that you use this space not only to discuss your son but to talk about you. Just because we are all moms, it doesn’t mean that you’re not who you were before you got this title.
    You’re a beautiful soul and it bleeds through your words. I’m so honoured to be able to read them and thank you for sharing your journey.May 24, 2013 – 1:03 pmReplyCancel

  • Roshni - So very beautiful and inspiring!! <3May 24, 2013 – 6:14 pmReplyCancel

  • clark - Good Work.

    Pretty amazing thing, this blogging thing, no? … if you said a few years ago, before I started writing a blog, that I would be able to write a Post as touching as the one here at your blog, I would have laughed… because it would not be true.
    I could not (and can not) write at this ‘level of sharing’.
    Thats not the cool thing… the cool thing is that I *can* hang out and practice (my own skills) with you (and others) and not feel self-conscious (well, not *too* self-conscious).
    I appreciate it…May 24, 2013 – 6:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom - Kristi, I’m so glad you found blogging and that I found your blog. Blogging is an amazing way to connect with others who can relate and are going through similar or the same circumstances. Hugs to you. The support and community of blogging is such an incredible thing to have access to; not just as a means of connection and information, but for that release and outlet.May 24, 2013 – 10:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Shay - I’m just glad you blog, b/c dammit, you’re one of my favorite cyberpeeps. Keep blogging, skankster!!May 24, 2013 – 10:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Dani Ryan - You have a way with words, my friend. Everything about this was just…perfect.

    For a long time, I was obsessed with BEING someone in the blogging world. I wrote a bunch of funny lists people would (hopefully) like and joined every link-up out there.

    Now, I write for me. For the outlet. For the friendship. And so, when my time comes, my daughter will have some way to learn about the REAL me.

    I love your blog, by the way. You just have a way of pulling me in.

    And Tucker is so, so adorable. He’s so lucky to have you!May 24, 2013 – 10:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Betty Taylor - I think we all enjoy blogging because we can find people who understand us or just appreciate us for who we are and what we each have to deal with. I really enjoyed reading your post and being able to understand you a little better. Your son is a lucky little boy to have you for a mother. And you are lucky to have such a wonderful little boy.May 25, 2013 – 12:06 amReplyCancel

  • Kate Hall - This is absolutely beautiful, Kristi. Such beautiful words. And the picture of Tucker is beautiful too. I’m so glad you’re blogging and that I “met” you and that you have been able to find people you can connect with through blogging. THAT is totally awesome.May 25, 2013 – 12:24 amReplyCancel

  • Christina Morley - I am not a special needs mom, although I thought I was going through hell every time I had a baby. All 4 of my wonderful kids came with colic. Those were lonely days for me, because you can’t take them anywhere when they are in that state. Even at church, I had to sit in the “cry room” (that’s what they call it in South Africa) and at the ladies’ Bible study I stood in the hostess’ kitchen away from the women while holding the baby and trying to hush the baby.

    I am lonely in our small town, because everyone has their own friends and family and we moved here in 2010. I’m also American, so some people are not always comfortable speaking English with me. My kids have good friends here and they are happy at their schools, so not everything is a loss.

    I blog for friends and community. I read your blog as the Mom-mom behind the blog. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment on Amanda’s Books and More!May 25, 2013 – 3:22 amReplyCancel

  • Christina Morley - I have to revise the year. We moved here in 2000, a few weeks after my third child was born. Some of my kids’ friends have grown up together with them, so they are like brothers and sisters to my kids. I like that.May 25, 2013 – 3:32 amReplyCancel

  • Jen - Kristi~ you are the rockinist mom ever! Tucker most definitely know that not only where you the most awesome mom, but he will know how hard you tried to be a better mom for him and yourself. He will know you struggled, but overcame those struggles. He will know how much you love him. That is more than clear. I always think about how “lucky” our kids are to have us, mom’s who care enough to say “I don’t know” is not an answer. I know they’re not lucky, we are all blessed. And our blessing is to be able to share that with other moms who got an “I don’t know” or something more standard, but with no answers. We are all here for each other and that is amazing. You are amazing! I am so glad to know you lady!May 25, 2013 – 9:55 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - You guys. (this is when I hate not having nested comments so I can reply to each of you directly beneath your comment – trust me, it’s complicated and I will show you the love back with comments on your blogs rather than individual replies here – I hope that’s okay)
    Each and every one of your comments and support means the world to me. YOU are what makes staying up too late too often worthwhile. Thank you. Thank you so so much, for coming her, for commenting and for your support. It is truly your online support that makes sharing my fears, my love for Tucker and myself a worthwhile and fulfilling journey.May 25, 2013 – 11:56 amReplyCancel

  • Amanda - I think this is the best blog hop I have ever been a part of! I just kind of wandered over here from Google Plus and decided to share my “why blog” post from a couple of weeks ago, and I am having so much fun reading everyone else’s. I actually bookmarked the page so I can go read through the rest of them this evening.

    Blogging is such an interesting phenomenon. Sometimes I wonder what makes me do it. Sometimes I feel the need to justify it because it feels a bit self-indulgent. But now that I’ve started, I’m not sure I would ever really feel whole again without it.May 25, 2013 – 12:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Joan Veronica Robertson - I have one word for my comment on this post! WOW! And wow again! and again!A really lovely post. If I write anything else, I’m going to start crying, so will stop now. See you soon, I hope!!May 25, 2013 – 5:30 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Joan,
    I so appreciate your comment and thank you so so so much for the wow. Finding people who appreciate our words is huge. Huger than huge.

    ——–
    Amanda,
    So glad you linked up too! Although I can’t seem to comment on your blog???May 25, 2013 – 9:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Alana Terry - aw, so sorry about the boy on the playground incident. It’s so hard when others notice soemthing’s “wrong.” And on a side note, I totally agree that blogging has brought about a great sense of community.May 26, 2013 – 12:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Alana,
    Thanks so much! I hope you’re having a great weekend.May 26, 2013 – 5:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Courtney - So well said, Kristi. There is a sense of community in blogging but it’s not obvious. I am glad you found some peeps. I am also glad you blog and we found each other 🙂May 26, 2013 – 5:34 pmReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Wow, tears. This sentence in particular moved me: “I blog because of the legacy. There will be a day when I am not here. There will be a day when Tucker is interested in who I used to be. When he questions how much I loved him.”

    It’s so incredibly relatable. I didn’t think about that when I started writing… I was writing for me… but yeah, what an amazing gift for my children. Like finding a diary.

    So very, very glad we connected. xoMay 26, 2013 – 7:34 pmReplyCancel

  • Kathy Radigan - I’m so glad I found your site and post tonight!! I came to blogging later than most, after many doctors and specialists, tests, therapists and teachers. I came to blogging after I had five MRI’s showing something is very wrong with our daughter’s brain but not one doctor could tell us what. We have been in the land of the undiagnosed for 11 years. I have been blogging for 2. But in that time I have found so much of what you write about. A place to connect, and sometimes forget the nitty gritty details of our life. I have also come to celebrate our life, and feel grateful for all we do have. Thank you so much!! I look forward to reading more from you!May 26, 2013 – 7:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Deb,
    I started blogging for me, too. But as I am grandma-aged (for real), at one point, I realized that Tucker may someday be interested. I hope he is.

    —–

    Kathy,
    I am so glad I found you as well. I very much look forward to reading more from you! Huge hugs and hallelujah that blogging brings us together.May 26, 2013 – 11:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Melissa@Home on Deranged - Beautifully written, as always. I like the idea that even if we all started blogging for ourselves, whether as an outlet, or need for money or need for friends, that we keep going because of the readers, and in turn, usually our friends. I want to know what is happening in your life now, and I never would have met you without blogging. Thanks.May 27, 2013 – 1:21 amReplyCancel

  • Dawn - Such a wonderful post about why you started to blog. Thank you so much for Co-Hosting #FTSF with us this week!May 28, 2013 – 5:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Dawn,
    Thank you so much for hosing and allowing me to be a co-host. I really appreciate it!!May 29, 2013 – 12:36 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Melissa,
    So glad I found YOU.May 29, 2013 – 7:51 amReplyCancel

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