I Can’t Write This For You (sorry)

I’m feeling a little raw tonight, for some reason. I’m not happy with a few of my recent posts, and although I know that not every one must be funny, or insightful or earth shattering, I feel like “What’s the point?” if they’re not at least a little bit of one of them. Before saying (with still, unabashed joy and laughter) that I was “Live, Baby!,” I wasn’t writing for anybody but myself. Then, I went “Live, Baby!” and got such amazing feedback. Which I’m so grateful for (thank you). But then I started trying to write for YOU. And I’ve learned, in just a few days, that I just can’t do that. I know there are writers out there who are able to think of something funny, every day, and keep their audiences entertained. But let’s face the facts. My audience is maybe 12 people, on a good day, and I didn’t start this for them. I started this for me. For Tucker. So, after much thought, I’ve decided that it’s not important whether I post something every day, even though this blog is so new, and, if I hope to have any reach – ever, at all – that I must, I’m not going to. And also, as honest as I’ve been in writing this, I acknowledge that I’m never going to tell you some things. At least not yet. Because what person on the planet is going to share her darkest moments? And invite comments? That takes some practice. Practice that I do not yet have.

With all of that said, I want to share about today, just a little. This afternoon, after I picked Tucker up from school at 1:15, he was, well, just more HERE. And any parent with a child who exhibits any type of developmental delay will tell you that their child’s delay is not always obvious and pin-pointable, but there, none the less. As Tucker and I were playing this afternoon, he seemed more aware of my reactions. It was almost like he was just a neuro-typical kid. When I got upset with him for not listening to me telling him he needs to go upstairs, NOW, he made total eye-contact, looked increasingly alarmed, and then started crying. I honestly don’t know whether I was too loud (probably, but come on, what parent hasn’t kicked herself in the butt for being an almost-yelling asshole when it’s not totally necessary?). I feel like this means that “IT” is working for him. ABA, school, all of it. It felt like a breakthrough and it was wonderful.

I promise you that any parent of a kid who is not typically developing would kill for a moment like this with their child. And it makes me further wonder: What IS it with Tucker? What does he have? If he’s on the spectrum (probably), it’s so minor that I can’t even qualify to be in an almost-autism group. He makes eye contact. He engages me. He looks for hugs and kisses, and even falls down on purpose to get the “Mommy! Ow!” hugs and concern. So he’s not typical. So he’s not autistic. What is my son? And why is he so close, and yet so far away from all the other three year olds I know? I suppose that’s why I started this blog in the first place. To find more of me. Of us.

It’s funny. I’ve spent a lot more time on posts that are not my favorites, and this one just came out, little editing necessary. Not sure what that means.

by Kristi Campbell

16 comments

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Sara - I’m actually glad to hear it. Whereas I find the blog VERY entertaining, I expected to hear more about spectrum behaviors (and just what the heck IS “normal” anyway?? –asking for a friend) and such. Funny stuff is good; stuff from the heart is better.

I love that Tuck has moments of such clarity. I don’t think that’s limited to spectrum kids; I think everyone gets moments like that, moments where they connect and Get It. Still, I can see how much more special they’d be in a kid who often can’t connect. Go, Tucker.October 2, 2012 – 10:42 amReplyCancel
admin - Yay! This is exactly what I wanted to read. And Tucker connects with us, it’s more that he doesn’t always get our emotions. There are times when he’ll laugh at us when we say “Ow!” So when he totally Got It yesterday, I was like “Yes! Success!” 🙂October 2, 2012 – 10:46 amReplyCancel
- Sara - Wait, there are times I laugh at you when you say “ow.” I don’t think that’s appropriate criteria. 😉 ….actually, I know exactly what you mean. There are times when pseudo-stepson doesn’t understand my affect. He hears the words, but doesn’t always hear the tone or emotion behind them. (I think he’s learned to look for visual cues).October 2, 2012 – 6:25 pmReplyCancel
Kevin - Wow- good for Tucker and good for mom. You actually BOTH noticed each other at the same time. Awesome.
“The Spectrum”… Sounds like something from a divergent Wizard of Oz, or something: “Follow the Spectrum Path” they sing as they traipsed along a multicolored trail. Yet as much as it is being mentioned and talked about, it is hard to find a salient, crystalline definition that isn’t couched in clini-speak. Something a parent can point to and say “YES! That’s what my precious child has, that’s it!”
But “it” is a moving target. There may be as many layers/versions of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (the Autism Spectrum?) as there are kids who get this diagnosis. My son is a l m o s t mainstream, almost a neuro-typical kid. I don’t know if he ever will be, but my hope is that he, and Tucker, and so many like them so close to the magical “norm” will make it. They are so close. As Tucker gets a little older, who knows? He has a super-mom, so he has more than a fighting chance.

Thanks for this space.October 2, 2012 – 11:16 pmReplyCancel
Veronica Dowdy - I have been writing a blog for a couple of years now and it’s been interesting, whenever I write for me, to get something out of my chest, it comes out naturally. But when I’m trying to impress others, it’s difficult. I’m always wondering if I’ll be funny enough or if I’ll offend anyone. Writing for myself gives me so much more freedom and many times I’m able to answer my own questions… no editing required.

Congratulations on your son’s improvements by the way. My little girl has been struggling a bit in school and I too go through frustration so your blog really spoke loudly to me,October 3, 2012 – 2:30 amReplyCancel
- admin - Hi Veronica, I’m glad you found Finding Ninee. Being so new to this, I jump up and down each time somebody new finds this space. Did you find it from The Moms Blog? Just curious. Also, is your blog happinessisafirmbutt? I will check it out! Thanks so much for the comment. And I hope you and your little girl work out her school struggles. It’s so hard to watch our little ones have a hard time with anything.October 26, 2012 – 2:59 pmReplyCancel
admin - Hi Veronica, I’m glad you found Finding Ninee. Being so new to this, I jump up and down each time somebody new finds this space. Did you find it from The Moms Blog? Just curious. Also, is your blog happinessisafirmbutt? I will check it out! Thanks so much for the comment. And I hope you and your little girl work out her school struggles. It’s so hard to watch our little ones have a hard time with anything.October 3, 2012 – 3:47 pmReplyCancel
admin - Thanks Kevin! Ya, Tucker’s always been good at noticing us. He hasn’t always been great about understanding when we’re annoyed. I know he’s only three, but it can be really frustrating when I’m getting angry or annoyed and he thinks my mad face is funny. He’ll even scrunch up his eyebrows and feel them which is hilarious to watch but also sad. What’s he thinking? “Ooh! So if I look like this, I’ll get my way!” or what? And you’re so right about the crazy spectrum. I recently read “if you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met one child with autism.” I suppose the same could be said without the word “autism” in there: “if you’ve met one child, you’ve met one child.” Thanks for all of your insight and support!October 3, 2012 – 3:51 pmReplyCancel
Daphne Honore - Hey Kristi, You had an entry asking for suggestions about speech development, and now that I have an actual keyboard in front of me, I can’t find the entry, so I’m responding here.
Braxton had gross motor delays: 90% my fault (no seriously, I swadled him until he was way too old, and I never put him down), 10% really big kid. Once we did tons of physical therapy and got him crawling (11 months), and walking (17 months), we realized he had speech delays. I’ll take an equally high percent of the blame for that one…I doted on him, stayed home with him, and usually knew what he wanted before he did, and certainly before he asked. What I thought made me a good mom was actually crippling my kid. So we did months of speech therapy, and now at four, he randomly asks questions like, “do I look distinguished?” We never had “the spectrum” conversation with our pediatrician, so I’m in a different situation, but speech therapy did help him…and perhaps more importantly, it helped me help him. Of course, like all things, there’s a ton I’ve already forgotten, and most I would assume you already know, but I’ll list the strategies I do remember (in no particular order) in the event that something helps a bit.
1. NEVER, EVER give him anything he doesn’t ask for. It doesn’t matter if he signs or speaks, but he HAS to try something more than pointing and grunting.
2. Always read and speak to him in the way that you want him to read/speak. For example: “This is a train.” Rather than: “What’s that?” Spend all your time identifying and none of it asking.
3. Work with his mouth. Touch his lips, make funny faces in the mirror with him, let him feel your lips when you make “popping” sounds or anything else. Always try to get him to imitate you.
4. Buy the really fat straws and cut them into about 4 inch pieces. Have him blow cotton balls, leaves, or anything else with them. Often kids with speech delays have lazy lips. I don’t know how that was possible given Braxton nursed at least a billion hours in the first year of his life, but I tried everything they told me to do!
5. They told me they don’t know why, but kids with speech delays often crave oral stimulation…again, nursing wasn’t enough? Braxton loved spicy food, crunch, texture, etc. We bought him an electric toothbrush and let him carry it around, we used it on his teeth, tongue, and lips. Apparantly if they crave that, you should indulge it in healty ways.
6. Read, read, read, read, read, read, read to him. The more exposure he has, the faster he will make up for delays when he does start talking. I’m stunned how many words my kids say that I can trace back to an event or conversation that took place BEFORE they were speaking. That little sponge is absorbing things whether he’s repeating them or not.

That’s all I can think of right now. I hope there’s some new idea, or reminder of an idea you’d forgotten, in there. I’ll be praying for you and Tucker!October 5, 2012 – 11:59 pmReplyCancel
- admin - Hi Daphne, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’m convinced that at least part of Tucker’s speech delay is also my fault. Similar to your situation, I stayed at home with him and also knew what he wanted before he asked. We’re really focused on making him ask for what he wants these days. Usually, we meet with success, but sometimes it’s so hard to keep it up. I’ll say “open” and he’ll say “this” or “yes” sometimes 30+ times before he either walks away (not worth it), throws a total fit (the hardest) or actually says it (success!).
  I hadn’t heard of the straw idea and think Tucker would really enjoy that so I’ll definitely incorporate that into his therapy. I also really like your suggestion of him touching my lips and imitating popping sounds.
  Oh, and sadly, we’re still in fail mode regarding anything to do with teeth brushing. He has about 8 different cool toothbrushes, including an electric one that he likes to play with – but not use on his mouth.
  Thank you so much for this comment!October 6, 2012 – 6:19 pmReplyCancel
  - admin - Daphne, I realized that I responded to your comment a bit selfishly and I want to apologize for that. I had no idea that Braxton had speech delays – who does really??
    And I am on a sleepless high right now, ready for bed but also wanted to thank you so much for including us in your prayers. I’ll return the favor.October 6, 2012 – 10:37 pmReplyCancel
- Sara - Daphne, Great post! While I can’t sympathize, I can empathize. Oh, the guilt of feeling you’re being SuperMom only to realize it might actually be hampering. Crushing! …I love the straw idea, and of course, I’ve always been a fan of read, read, read with kids. Even if they don’t sit still, even if it seems they’re not even listening, they are absolutely listening.
  Thank you so much for sharing.October 6, 2012 – 7:06 pmReplyCancel
MomboMombo - sing to him! silly simple songs – sing sing and sing some more! Hey diddle diddle, the cat has the fiddle, and the cow jumped over the moon (and then MOOOOOOO) and the little dog laughed (and I wait for the kids to hahahahahaha)… and the dish ran away with the spoon! and then we run around looking for the spoon… every day.
or, popeye the sailor man (boop boop), he lives in a garbage can (boop boop), he eats all his spinach and fights to the finish, he’s popeye the sailor man (boop boop)… kids love love to learn songs, and am also so pleased when all the words are memorized by them within less than an hour! and we giggle and giggle some more. Well, I don’t know if this helps, but it helped the blue-blue boy…. xoxoxoOctober 26, 2012 – 6:28 amReplyCancel
- admin - I will sing more! Thank you SO MUCH for the comment! Your grandkids are lucky to have you be silly and sing for them 🙂October 26, 2012 – 3:00 pmReplyCancel
MomboMombo - these short people are kids – just want to laugh and be accepted by all those around them. Laugh, joke, giggle, be silly. when it’s time to grab a less than 5 second learning block – do it… then giggle some more. Less stress, more laughing. I truly believe it~ <3October 26, 2012 – 6:30 amReplyCancel
- admin - Less stress, more laughing. Sounds perfect <3October 26, 2012 – 3:00 pmReplyCancel