Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

I deserve a medal and you can win one hundred dollars

Have you ever done something that made you feel like you deserved a medal? I look at my past, which is long and winding, and I think about the moments that make me proud. I think about the ones that made me me. I think about the fact that I’ve created life, and how the life that I created in turn created mother-me. I think about how that’s My Best Good Thing. Do I deserve a medal for making Tucker? Yes. Yes, I do. Which means that I just gave myself a medal for successfully procreating. You know, for doing the very same thing that a squid and a roly poly can do properly. But um, not together. In case you were confused.

I probably do not deserve a medal for the time that I was in third grade and asked my dad what a blow job was. While he was driving. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that my dad deserves a medal for not taking the wheel of his car and purposefully aiming us toward the nearest oncoming semi-truck. Especially when, after he confirmed to my eight-year-old self that a blow job is, indeed, equal to kissing a penis, and that it was something I’d understand when I was a grownup because kissing penises isn’t for children, I proceeded with the following:

“Gross, dad! Why would anybody want to kiss a penis?”
“Penises are for peeing. They have pee on them. Why would people want to kiss pee??”
“I bet they’re stinky.”
“I’m never kissing a penis because I will never kiss pee.”
“Does mom do that to your penis?”
“But, Dad? Why do people want to kiss penises?”

Sorry, dad. You deserve a medal.

Blow jobs and the annoying person I was at younger me aside, today, I’m going to say that I deserve a medal for finding you.

I started blogging because I was alone and terrified and swimming in the murky waters of The Middle World. I hadn’t found parents like me. I hadn’t found a community of writers and overall amazing people. I hadn’t found you. I hadn’t found you until I started this blog. One year ago today. Which means that it’s Finding Ninee’s birthday.

Which means that there’s cake.

FindingNineeBirthday Cake

And margaritas. Really, really big extra-tasty, extra-tequila-having margaritas.

margarita

It also means that I’m giving you money.

Real money. Not just a drawing of it. Yup, I go to my IRL job, work for however long it takes to get $150 and I’m giving it to you. Well, one of you will get $100. Two of you will get $25.

I know. Today, I’m awesome.

I may even deserve a medal.

Angel Devil Money Giveaway

I deserve a medal and you can win one hundred dollars! YUP, $100! Or $25!

Here’s how it works. Leave a comment below on why you deserve to win. The judges will vote for two comments each that are left between now and Sunday at midnight. Whoever has the most votes gets my hard-earned $100. Two runners-up each get my mediocrely -earned $25. Comments will be judged on originality, wit, heart, and overall awesomeness. Or on whatever moves each judge. You get an extra vote if you subscribe to Finding Ninee via email. See the full list of official rules below as well as visit the totally kickass awesome and overqualified judges.

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Oh. Um *scuffs toe in dirt.* After you comment and subscribe and visit these incredible people who have agreed to judge my totally made-up, pulled-out-of-my-ass-at-the-last-minute contest giveaway thing, you can do one more thing if you want to.  My friend Lizzi from Considerings has nominated Finding Ninee for Babble’s Reader’s Choice awards. I’m not really sure how the contest works but would really appreciate those of you who also tolerate or even like me to go over and give me a Facebook thumbs-up like, tweet, or G+ share. You’ll burn calories by clicking. For real. You can nominate me (or somebody else) too.

The Totally Kickass Awesome Overqualified Judges WHO CAN WIN but not vote for themselves (in alpha order)

Clark – The Wakefield Doctrine

Dana – Kiss My List

Don – Don of All Trades

Emily – Oh Boy Mom

Jean – Mama Schmama

Jane – Nothing By The Book

Jen – My Skewed View

Jessica – Jessica’s Journal

Julie – Julie DeNeen 2.0

Katia – I Am The Milk

Kerri – Undiagnosed but Okay

Lizzi – Considerings

Lori – Lavender Luz

Rachel – Tao of Poop

Stephanie – Mommy, For Real

Sarah – The Sadder but Wiser Girl

Tamara – Tamera (Like) Camera

The Totally Official and Maybe-Mostly-Complete Rules

    1. There will be one Grand Prize Winner of $100. There will be two runners-up who will each receive $25. Prizes awarded via either PayPal or by money order via snail mail.
    2. To win, leave a comment between now and Sunday, 9/22/13 at midnight EST.
    3. Winners will be announced in my Finish the Sentence Friday post 9/25/2013.
    4. Comments will be judged on originality, wit, heart, and overall awesomeness. Or on whatever moves each judge. Don will likely try and vote for himself. He won’t be able to.
    5. Each judge will vote for two comments. Judges are able to win but are not able to vote for themselves.
    6. Each entry will receive an extra vote for following Finding Ninee via email. If you follow, you must mention doing so in your comment – follows will be verified.
    7. This is not a contest for “I’d give the money to X Charity.” I donate regularly to important causes and so should you. This is about why YOU deserve to win. For you. A selfish and shallow contest, if you will.
    8. Please keep your comment to less than 200 words or so.
    9. I have the right to disqualify douchy, abusive, rude, or plain annoying comments.
    10. Anybody who says he/she will purchase anything pumpkin-flavored with her winnings will be automatically disqualified.
    11. Comments that include the word “moist” will be disqualified, as will those that have the word “Mart” in them referencing a shopping trip.
    12. I reserve the right to add, modify or change these rules based upon the fact that this contest has not been well thought out, I’ve probably forgotten some important stuff and that I’m totally making it up as I go along.
    13. Contest is open to everybody – you do not need to be a blogger to win.
    14. Ass kissers receive extra points, better karma and a happier life.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I deserve a medal for the time I…” Next week’s sentence is ” The bravest thing I’ve ever done is…”

Your most party-on excellent hosts:

janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
stephanie: Mommy, for Real
me: finding ninee


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Rachel - Since I’m a judge and can’t compete for the money, can I leave a crappy comment? Oh, and to all of you out there who are leaving comments after me…I do accept bribes…September 19, 2013 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Congrats on the one year and you trumped me telling me dad at 4 years old that my grandfather said, “Son of a Bitch”, when getting cut off by another driving while driving with me in the car somewhere. But seriously, congrats!!September 19, 2013 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - You did not have that conversation with your father. I told my husband that and now he has something new to panic about. Your father does deserve a medal for that and you deserve one for telling us the story. So funny.
    Also, good call on the “moist” rule. That is my most hated word.September 19, 2013 – 10:12 pmReplyCancel

  • Courtney - Keep your money. I am glad you started blogging and we found each other. I might not always comment, but I read them and I love them. Happy blog birthday to you! How did you know when your blog turned one?September 19, 2013 – 10:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Well first of all, I am “almost first” to comment, so that should give me an extra point!!
    And secondly, I work tirelessly on my little ol’ blog and haven’t made but a dime and spare change, so it would really be neat to pretend I make money blogging- my mission? Reaching out and encouraging people…that is the dream I pursue. I can say I made A HUNDRED BUCKS and no one needs to know how- it’s connected to my blog someway, right? Then my dream is fulfilled: I am “legit”.
    And thirdly, I think you are freaking amazing and quite frankly, all of those judges I see up there are the elite of the bunch… so just them reading this gives me goosebumps and smiles, and I’m content just being a part of this blog world with you. (I mean that- I’m not kissing up to get the money… really.)

    I am an email subscriber too! (YAY for one point!!! If I don’t get any points, at least I got one!! lol)September 19, 2013 – 10:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - You deserve a medal for all of the above including incorporating 8-year-old Kristi’s conversation with her dad. Happy birthday, my friend, I am so glad I found you and your blog!September 19, 2013 – 10:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Happy Birthday to your awesome, and yes, award-deserving blog!!! And that story is so funny… When I was 8 I asked my mom what a prostitute was, and after she carefully explained to me what it was, I responded with, “Oh, you mean like a hooker?” So much for childhood innocence!September 19, 2013 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

  • Shay - I just came over here to read b/c you’re awesome and I adore you. And when I read the post, I just about shit my pants from that kind of “Oh no she didn’t!” laughter. And you know what? It’s hard to get me to just about shit my pants with a little bit of shock and “Oh no she didn’t” b/c, well, you know me–some of the stuff I say gets the same type of reaction, so I should never be surprised at what others say. Anyway! I am pretty sure I eliminated myself with all the “shit my pants” stuff, but I’d be boring if I were picked, anyway, b/c I’d give the money right back to you for working so hard and making us all laugh and being so supportive of all of us bloggers every day. You deserve it! CONGRATS on one year!!!!September 19, 2013 – 10:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Considerer - Your dad TOTALLY deserves a medal for that! WOW! Poor guy! Just glad he didn’t crash and kill you both!

    So (looking at your rules), judges can still enter? In which case I’ll totally state my case for winning lies simply in this sad state of affairs “Bloggy Tour Of USA Fund = £0”

    (P.S. You’re lucky the guy behind your Dad’s car didn’t have an Asshole Laser (like the one I’m inventing) available for that swerve…September 19, 2013 – 11:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Heather - I don’t want the money, but only because I barely managed not to spit coffee all over my computer. Your dad so deserves a medal, that was absolutely hilarious!

    Also love the rules – what is it with pumpkin flavored everything? I saw pumpkin flavored m&ms recently, ew. The m word – it’s just gross. Although there is this smart ass part of me that wants to say – If I win I will be using the money to purchase pumpkin flavored m&ms at Walmart and making deliciously moist cookies with them. (sorry just couldn’t help myself)

    And happy birthday – am only recently finding your blog, but I love it.September 19, 2013 – 11:06 pmReplyCancel

  • just JENNIFER - Oh pick me, pick me! (Think Donkey from Shrek)

    Shall I give you a sob story? My daughter needs school pics and my son needs soccer pics. My daughter also needs a flash drive for her graphic design class and new sneakers for her big ass feet for PE. Then they’re gonna need Halloween costumes and we gotta renew our car tags next month. I could really use a new sports bra too.

    So what good uses I would put that money to? 😀September 19, 2013 – 11:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Erica - I don’t think I deserve to win. I just wanted to say happy blog birfday!September 19, 2013 – 11:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Lanaya | Raising Reagan - I am now curious to see what offspring a squid and roly poly make. LOL!
    And absolutely you deserve a medal for creating Tucker. He is damn cute! While your at it … can I have one for making Reagan?

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.coSeptember 19, 2013 – 11:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah Almond - OKAY! When I agreed to be a judge you never told me there would be penis kissing of any kind in this post!!!!! 😉

    Happy Blogiversary! Yet another blogger that I am totally shocked has been at this gig for less time than I have!September 20, 2013 – 1:13 amReplyCancel

  • karen - OMG….you have one awesome dad to not only answer you in such an honest way but to let ask those questions and not freak out…

    I am sure I am going to have lots of those situations with Dino…I think honesty on a level they can understand is very important. I let Dino know that touching his penis and testicles is okay in the privacy of his room, they belong to him and no one else.September 20, 2013 – 6:07 amReplyCancel

  • clark - I am so, so very shallow… I got as far as the (sentence fragment that included the words) ‘blow job’ and started laughing… and came right down here to the Comments.

    …now that I have stopped laughing, I can go back and finish reading your Post.*

    *are all the Contestants looking all crestfallen and such? muttering… ‘the frickin guy can’t get through ‘blow job’ without laughing and stopping what he set out to do! what the hell am I willing to do for $100.00?!?!September 20, 2013 – 6:54 amReplyCancel

  • clark - (…am back, have finished reading Post).

    If you weren’t already the creator of the Contest, I would surely have voted for you, if for no other reason than Rule 10.

    Hey, other Readers go to ‘the Facebook’ anyway and find one of the Kristi things and nominate and/or vote for her anyway.

    damn, I get so jealous of people who are not only more original (in their weird-assed way of seeing the world around them) but have the guts to do it without reservation.

    lol… I am glad I know* you

    (* in that totally imaginary-but-wicked-cool-cause-we-get-to-make-up-anything-thing-we-think-we-can-pull-off kind of way.)September 20, 2013 – 7:05 amReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - Well I shot out a kid from my bionic vagina. Kidding. My back is bionic.
    And my kid told us the other day that we picked him up in the graveyard and put him in my stomach. I had to correct him obviously…cause we all know that the cutest kids come from aisle 9 in the God store. Pft..kids are so dumb.
    Happy anniversary you blow jobbing hooker.September 20, 2013 – 8:48 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Golden Spoons - I am laughing so hard at the thought of one of my daughters asking my hubby that question while he is driving them somewhere!!! Your dad totally deserves a medal because my hubby would certainly crash that vehicle!

    Also, you combined sex, blow jobs, your dad, a birthday party, and money all into one incredible post. That, my friend deserves a medal of epic proportions!!! (And if anyone happens to read this comment before reading the actual post – It’s not what I just made it sound like – I promise!)

    So glad I found you and this fabulous blog! 🙂September 20, 2013 – 8:55 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - Just wanted to say “Happy Blogiversary!” and thank you for asking me to be on the panel alongside all those other cool judges…I’m honored! So far there are lots of great comments to choose from — this is not going to be easy, but it will be fun!!September 20, 2013 – 9:38 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - I am so glad that Allie’s question about Kinicki sparked this post. At least I am taking credit and sharing the medal with your dad. I can just picture you asking not one but a zillion annoying questions about penises. Should I ask if you ever got over your phobia 🙂September 20, 2013 – 9:41 amReplyCancel

  • Jen @ Real Life Parenting - This is my first time reading your blog. (Thanks to someone who named you as a must read on Four Plus an Angel’s post on facebook yesterday and the link from Mommy, For Real’s blog post). I’m already a fan!! Love your sense of humor. Right up my sassy alley.

    I’m not vying for the cash–but let’s be honest, Benjamins never hurt anyone’s feelings. Amiright?? I think I would pimp my blog page with some extra cash … as in hire someone who knows a lot more than I do about making it look pretty.

    I haven’t done a prompt post yet … so I think I’ll give this a whirl. Looking forward to lots more fun. I’m going to go look in your cupboards and then start writing!!September 20, 2013 – 10:03 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I deserve to win because I have made a grand total of $0.82 doing this blogging thing so far. I am meeting you IRL next month and I need the money to get a manicure and a cute outfit so you won’t be embarrassed to be seen with me. I also subscribed to your blog, which I rarely do, but you are that awesome. Also, I was showing my 12 year old your post so he could see I was judging, and he caught the words “kissing penis.” So now he thinks I read porn all day. The $100 would pay for his first therapy session.September 20, 2013 – 10:09 amReplyCancel

  • Meg B - I currently own two bras that fit me. One of them is a nursing bra. And since I stopped nursing three months ago it seems kinda silly that one would still be wearing a nursing bra. It’s not that money is SO tight I can’t afford new bras it’s just that when given the choice between buying new bras or picking up extra formula or some new activity thing or clothes for my nine month old twins, I pick the twins (and not my TWIN GIRLS (wink wink)(boobs, I’m talking about boobs) the actual real twin boys I birthed nine months ago).

    I am suffering from Pancake Boob Syndrome. And while that’s all fine and dandy for my husband who insists I am hot even with the extra twenty (ok, thirty) (ok, maybe a little more than that but I won’t tell you how much because then I’ll have to kill you) pounds, the stretch marks and the saggy boobs, it is not fine and dandy for me when I go out in public. I miss my old boobs. I would like to pretend they are still there with the use of a proper bra. All of my old proper bras shrunk in the wash (I am not too fat for them. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it).

    Here I am in all my selfish glory. I want money for my boobs.

    p.s. Your father deserves a medal for that question for sure! He can share it with my mom who had to explain to me what the term sixty-nining someone meant. I was ten.September 20, 2013 – 11:09 amReplyCancel

  • Lori Lavender Luz - I Google Plussed your Babble page.

    Ask your dad what THAT means.September 20, 2013 – 11:20 amReplyCancel

  • Misty @ Meet the Cottons - i left a FB comment above, does that enter me in the contest? if i’m selected, i want you to donate that prize to Beard & Pigtails for his Little Brother Quincy!September 20, 2013 – 11:37 amReplyCancel

  • Kate - I am DYING laughing!!! Your dad does deserve a medal!!September 20, 2013 – 12:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - I give you medal, lady. Just say no to penis kissing. xoxoSeptember 20, 2013 – 2:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - OK- two things first. Wheee- I’m a judge!) Second- I actually face-palmed myself when you asked if your mom kissed your dad’s penis. Face. Palm.

    I totally follow by email. Duh.

    I would go to the bakery that made my wedding cake and buy a $100-sized wedding cake with the same flavor (Bailey’s filling- a-hell-yes!) and also buy a few pieces of chocolate covered bacon. Then I would go sit in my car and eat them all by myself. True story.

    Vote for me, fellow judges! 😀September 20, 2013 – 3:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Well, Happy Birthday Finding Ninee! I’m honored and humbled to be a judge. I think your dad should be a judge, personally.
    I’m torn between wanting to win, because quite frankly, camera lenses don’t pay for themselves, my son needs a new pair of shoes, and I need to feed my daughter’s cookie addiction.
    I do deserve the money for that one.
    However, I’m going to vote with all of my heart for someone else.September 20, 2013 – 3:34 pmReplyCancel

  • Jennifer M. - If I got so lucky enough to win, I would buy a professional back massage. I only had one once and really loved it. It was so relaxing. My husband says that he will give me a back massage but after 45 seconds of him not putting enough pressure into it, his penis wants kisses.
    If I do what he wants thinking that my massage will happen after that, either he falls asleep or our baby wakes up and needs me. I would like to have a professional massage from a professional who doesn’t want me to kiss his penis.September 20, 2013 – 4:10 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Life, Unexpectedly - Wow, the blow-job story is priceless!! I hope it was dished up again at your wedding, as a little late get-back from your dad 😉September 20, 2013 – 4:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Pam @ Whatevs... - I don’t care about the contest, although it is a super cool idea, I was going to comment anyway, I swear to GOD! Oh my am I protesting too much!? All I wanted to say is that is hilarious and totally reminds me of the time my BFF came over for dinner and we were sitting at the kitchen table, talking about hair pie. All the boys in our 8th grade class had been saying it non stop but we had no idea what it meant. As soon as my dad heard it he went apesh*t and started screaming “NEVER USE THAT WORD IN MY HOUSE!!” We figured out what it meant pretty quick. Meanwhile, my brother, who was in 10th grade was falling off his chair laughing and my mom and sister (who was 6 at the time) were like “Huh? What’s hair pie.” I give your dad a lot of credit for just calmly telling you an 8 year old appropriate version of the definition of blow job.September 20, 2013 – 10:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Pam @ Whatevs... - And PS I meant to say happy blogiversary!!!!September 20, 2013 – 10:27 pmReplyCancel

  • christine - Son of a sea biscuit, I can’t stop laughing about the blow job story long enough to come up with a funny comment! If my daughter would have asked my husband something like that, he would have made up something lame, like, “It’s the job a person at the party store does to get the balloons ready for people’s parties.”

    Your dad wins all medals ever won by anyone for anything after having to sit through that conversation.

    Congrats on your one year blogiversary!

    I don’t know what the hell I’d do with $100. It most certainly wouldn’t go towards anything having to do with my children.September 21, 2013 – 1:01 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - This is wonderful Kristi. Happy blog-birthday. Love the giveaway idea. The penis story is hilarious. Do you remember it or is that from your dad’s retelling or will he NEVER repeat the story again. Too cute anyway.

    Side note: I will forever girl when I scroll across a comment from Shay because for two seconds I’m not sure who it is.September 21, 2013 – 2:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Mytwicebakedpotato - Honestly, I could use the cash so I could rub it in my family’s faces that I did make some bank through this “blog thing” 🙂
    Happy Bloganniversary 🙂September 21, 2013 – 7:46 pmReplyCancel

  • MJM - Happy birthday miss blogger…go on with your badself.

    I can’t believe you made money blogging…how the poop did you do that!? I haven’t made crap! I thought about holding my readers up at gunpoint, but I can’t afford the gun. What’s up wit dat playa?!

    Anyway, as always awesome job. Keep up the great work.September 21, 2013 – 10:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Melissa @ Home on Deranged - I never asked my dad about blow jobs. In fact, I’m not sure my dad has ever acknowledged that men have penises and women don’t. Not really his style. I did see the Crying Game with my dad, and the moment they revealed that the girl was a guy, my dad audibly gasped and grabbed my arm. Never actually said anything, mind you, even after the movie. That’s as close to a penis conversation as we’ve ever come. hmm….
    Congrats on your birthday, lady! And if I were to win the $100, I would only blow it on ridiculous items like formula and diapers, so just give it to someone for booze and pills. Like it should be.September 21, 2013 – 11:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi Campbell - Ah peeps. You have 24 more hours to enter….
    Rachel…
    You can win. Read the rules.
    —
    Janine
    HA
    Awesome and yeah, blow jobs are way worse than son of a bitches.
    —
    Jean,
    Please tell your hubs I’m sorry….
    —September 22, 2013 – 12:22 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi Campbell - Courtney,
    I didn’t actually think about it until I saw some bloggers talking about their blog birthdays. Once I saw those, I researched (and by researched, looked at my old emails saying my site was live, etc. but then also looked at old posts…and when I first published…)
    I am embarrassed now about what I thought a blog was, then.September 22, 2013 – 12:24 amReplyCancel

  • Christy - Happy blog birthday! Your dad definitely deserves a medal:)When I was 14-years-old I took care of my twin nephews who were six months old for two weeks while my brother and his wife were sick with the flu. I found out the hard way that I couldn’t carry two babies at once! A somewhat medal worthy experience. On a more serious note I’ve had a pretty medal worthy week and managed to keep my sense of humor. It’s not a funny story, but I’m hoping it will help someone dealing with the same type of situation: http://www.squidoo.com/finding-the-courage-to-leave-my-abusive-husbandSeptember 22, 2013 – 12:30 amReplyCancel

  • Janet Ochs - Hi Kristi!

    Happy Birthday to your blog! It’s been extremely helpful to me. I do follow it regularly!

    I’m not really good at the quick witted stuff. So, here’s Just Me!

    Beginning with a Speech Pathologist telling me that my son’s speech delays weren’t “just” speech delays last November, this past year has been really rough for me. It’s been a year of endless tests, stress to the nth degree, ridiculous comments from “specialists” and other people in my life who just didn’t get what you cleverly refer to as the middle world – no diagnosis, somewhere in between. He doesn’t fit into a mold – he’s just – Chris. He’s smart, funny, sometimes stubborn, but definitely unique. I’ve struggled with finding the “right” school and therapies to best benefit him, how not to affect my 2 older typical daughters too much (sometimes not very well at all), running a house, etc. I have an MBA but gave up my career to be a stay at home Mom. That turned out to be so beneficial for this process. This past year has been spent in survival mode, but I have survived, largely thanks to an extremely supportive and understanding husband.

    The thing is, I almost never do anything for myself these days. I often have guilt for putting myself ahead of anyone or anything, especially if I have to spend money to do it. I would use this money for me – maybe a pedicure, getting my hair done, or something like that.

    I can’t say I deserve this more than anyone else. Everyone has their ups and downs. So to the people who win – you deserve it and I’m happy for you!!!September 22, 2013 – 8:06 pmReplyCancel

  • K - Kristi,
    I don’t want the money, but I just want to say thank you. Thank you for writing so beautifully and honestly, and thank you for Our Land. Thank you for showing me the many facets of empathy and understanding. I feel as though I owe you so much for all that you have done for me, but all I can offer are words. Your posts have changed my life…I don’t know what I would do without the blogging community! xoxoSeptember 22, 2013 – 8:48 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - If I win the $100 I will invent a machine that weans kids immediately from anything they need to be weaned from. Like, oh, pacifiers. Not that I’m listening to my daughter scream from her bedroom right now or anything. $100 will get me closer to my breakthrough invention for sure.September 22, 2013 – 9:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Alana Terry - A hundred dollars? Yup, I deserve that for the time i didn’t deck that well-meaning adult (a member of the family no less) who told our tube-fed son that he should aspire to work as a greeter at Walmart when he grows up. Talk about ambition…

    Oops, I just used the Mart word. Hope I’m not disqualified because I’m getting ready to do a blog tour for one of my books and want to buy some totally awesome prizes that the wonderfully, witty, and highly artistic blogging friends I know can use as giveaways on their awesome, snarky, hilarious blogs. (It just make me moist when I think about them.)

    Oops, there I go using banned words again. Am I still qualified?September 22, 2013 – 10:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Darcy Perdu - If honored by your selection, I would use the $100 to buy more rainbow-colored yarn for the afghan I’m knitting for blind senior citizen orphans.

    But on the WAY to the yarn store, I’d probably blow it all on a menage a trois with Ben & Jerry via their orgasmic New York Super Fudge Chunk.

    (BTW, Happy 1-Year-Old Birthday! You don’t look a day over 10 months!)September 22, 2013 – 11:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Whacamole Mom - High-5, freebie whore! Here’s the thing. I don’t want your stinking money. I mean, it’s good money and all – and PROBABLY not gonna burst purple dye in my face (although that might very well be an improvement some days) – but you can’t buy my love. Nope. Not for sale (well, who knows but the $100 ain’t gonna cut it. Standards, ya know.).

    I am just thankful that I found ninee…and kind of peeved because your one year’s worth of blog posts probably outnumber what I’ll get up on mine in a decade. But…bygones. Love you. Mean it!September 22, 2013 – 11:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Betty Taylor - I just had to stop by and tell you this is my favorite post of the week. I think your dad deserves a medal!

    Of course, you do too!September 23, 2013 – 1:17 amReplyCancel

  • don - I was not going to comment, but I find myself $100 in the hole due to an incident on Saturday and this must be the Christmas miracle that I need!

    My 2 year old somehow got his hands on my wallet as we were driving down the highway Saturday and, without warning, he threw it the fuck out the window!

    HE THREW MY WALLET THE FUCK OUT THE WINDOW OF MY MOVING VEHICLE!!!!

    Fortunately, my wife was in her raggedy ass (i.e. poor) minivan so she saw the whole thing or I’d still be looking for my wallet like a dumbshit wondering where I put it.

    Please judges, if you don’t award me this money, my kids will get no Christmas this year. Shame on all of you, if that happens!

    Oh and happy birthday to your blog or whatever. Voting for this would be much easier if it were like Twitter where I could see the person’s AVI or whatever the picture is called. Not gonna lie, I’d just pick the hottest woman I’m sure. Lol.September 23, 2013 – 12:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Jessica - I know I didn’t comment in time, so I just wanted to say Happy Blog Anniversary! And OMG… your dad does deserve a medal! 🙂September 23, 2013 – 4:54 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - As a judge my only comment is, for the most part, these comments are freaking hilarious!!!
    and eww. sorry penis kissing, I don’t even want to think about it.September 24, 2013 – 9:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Van - I just wanted to say: Smoke weed.September 25, 2013 – 4:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa - Oh Kristi! I’m not sure if this qualifies me for any money, but I have to ask how you KNOW the 8 year old blow job story. Did you remember it your self or did your poor dad have to relive the whole thing just to remind you of what he went through in order to raise such an amazing woman? If it was the latter, you should just send the $150 plus the medal to your father. In fact, I will throw in a $20 if he has any other stories like that to tell!September 25, 2013 – 8:54 pmReplyCancel

  • www.howtogetajobbook.com - I must thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this site.

    I’m hoping to check out the same high-grade content by you later on as
    well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own, personal site now 😉August 31, 2015 – 5:46 pmReplyCancel

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