My Husband Almost Missed Our Son’s Birth Because We Were Arguing: A Book Review of Clash of the Couples

My husband Robert almost missed the birth of our little boy because we were arguing while I was in labor.

After 13 weeks of bedrest and a few scares, I was more than ready to have my son. The day had finally arrived, and we headed up to the hospital. Once we finally got set up in the room, I was hooked up to monitors, bored, and annoyed that the nurses on staff wouldn’t allow me to walk around or eat anything.

For weeks, Robert and I had had an ongoing conversation about me wanting him to watch as the baby came out. I’d been able to witness my best friend giving birth twice, and knew that watching while the baby was born was incredible and life-changing.  I wanted my husband to experience that feeling too. To witness the miracle.

While waiting for the Pitocin to kick in, I figured a final reminder wouldn’t hurt.

“Robert, you have to promise that you’ll watch the baby come out.”

“I can watch him come out from up here, by your head.”

“No, you can’t! It’s not the same! You need to watch him come out of my vagina.”

“But, what if I faint? I’m not sure I should see it all stretched out and gross like that.”

“You’re calling my body gross? And you won’t faint! You’re being a baby. If you feel light-headed, just sit on a fucking chair or something! God, I just want this one thing!  I’ll tell you what. You can pick one thing that you want. It just can’t be the opposite of my one thing and my one thing is that I want you to watch our son come out!”

“Fine. I’m gonna faint though. I almost fainted when my daughter was born.”

“You’re such a baby! Didn’t you grow up on a farm?? And now is not the time to remind me that you’ve already done this whole thing with somebody else. Just promise you’ll watch his head come out!”

“Fine, whatever.” “And cow parts are different from my wife’s parts anyway.”

“Cow parts? OMG. Just. Promise. Me!”

“I said ‘fine,’ already!”

Pretty quickly, shit started to get real. After a failed epidural left one of my legs so numb that I could barely move it but could feel every single contraction and everything else, it was finally time to push. I was wondering whether I’d married a wimp, thinking that maybe he was right and shouldn’t have to see my vagina do whatever it would do…

…and while pushing, I farted. Not super-loudly but there was pretty much no mistaking what it was.

My husband chuckled. I smacked him in the chest. He got mad that I’d smacked him, and walked out of the room.

He must have finally come to his senses and realized that laughing at anything a woman does while in labor is completely uncool. Really, he’s lucky that I didn’t pee on him or anything. Anyway, he did return in time for the birth, watched our son Tucker come out from the end I wanted him to, and didn’t faint or anything.

Why am I telling you this? Because, to borrow the words of Crystal Ponti, “Couples fight about stupid shit.” Crystal, the mastermind behind the new and hilarious anthology Clash of the Couples, has compiled 46 awesome stories about the ridiculous fights that couples have. And you guys? They’re hilarious. 

Forget spats over money and parenting – these stories include college boobs, food poisoning during a hurricane in a shared room with strangers, and the ever-important question “Would you still think I was hot if I lost all my limbs?”  These awesomely absurd arguments will leave you shaking your head while feeling better about your own couples squabbles.

Get your own copy today! You won’t regret it. I promise.

PS Crystal is also the compiler and editor of the awesome recent book that I actually contributed to, The Mother of All Meltdowns!!!

If you, as a mom, have ever had a meltdown, you’re not alone!