On Leaving and Being Left Behind

Being Left Behind

“It’s easier to leave than to be left,” I cried. Staying meant seeing the places we’d laughed in, loved in. Leaving felt exotic and brave. Staying? Yuck.

He held my hand, fingers woven together. “I promise we’ll see this again” he said. “Our connection will never be broken.” I agreed.

“Let’s get married,” he said.
“Well, not possible in the next 10 minutes,” I replied.
“True,” he said.

We’d driven to LAX from Denver, as he was deploying to Guam. That was forever ago, yet I remember how sad the drive was back home alone. How I thought he was my forever soulmate. It was one of those fast and furious relationships where you’d answer the phone knowing it was him (before the days of caller ID).

Over the next few months, our long-distance phone calls became fewer and fewer. On the final one, I said “Do you want to break up?” His “yes,” was surprising, but real. I saw him about five years later, but the connection had been broken. I wonder now whether the connection was ever that strong, or if we were simply young and carefree enough to love so wildly and irresponsibly.

We saw each other again, about 10 years later still and I felt nothing but gratitude that I felt what I felt, back then. Glad he’d left. That I’d moved on.

I used to believe that it was easier to leave than be left, and maybe that’s true. But leaving is hard. You’re leaving the comfort of a person, a place, a home. Leaving the life you built.

Leaving 2004

“I have to go,” I said. I had an exciting job offer in DC from Denver. I’d have been stupid to say no, and knew it. So did he. “We’ll visit often,” we said, and did at first until I realized part of the appeal of leaving Colorado was leaving where he was.

My keeper of secrets and I left. Lived.
Eventually, I met and then married Robert.
We had Tucker. I’m so glad I left.

Leaving 2018

“You want us to leave? Not. Happening,” I said. “But, you want to go back to Colorado,” he said. “I did,” I replied. “But not now. Not when Tucker’s doing so well in school. He has friends!!!” “I know,” he said. “But he’ll have friends there, too.”

And we left. Came west. Tucker’s working on neighborhood friends here, as am I. I think we’ll be glad we left Virginia though.

I hope so, anyway. I feel more complete here, but that may just be the weather. 😉

***

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. This week’s prompt, hosted by yours truly and my amazing co-host Kenya Johnson of Sporadically Yours is a five-minute stream-of-consciousness post on “Leave” (which can be leaving somebody, someplace, or fall leaves).

Disclaimer: The timer went off around the point where I was talking about the boy who went to Guam but I didn’t want to leave it there, because life. So, I cheated on the five minutes. Left them behind, as they say <— get what I did there? Left them? Leaving? LOL yeah…