Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

I recently asked what you think that you can do, this week, right now, to make our world one that’s filled with more acceptance, empathy, and wonder. Our Land is always, but especially this week, a multitude of  voices, stories, and perceptions, each hoping to inspire both thought and action. Empathy. Wonder. Today’s Our Land […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama - I LOVE compilation posts like this! What a great collection of thought and wisdom. It’s really the little things we do, like biting our tongue or lending a hand, that ultimately make the biggest impacts. LOVE this!!March 19, 2014 – 1:48 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Me too Nicole and I’m going to be doing a part 2, 3, and maybe even 4 so submit a quote, okay? You can email me!March 19, 2014 – 11:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Kim - This list is awesome!! I love so many of these quotes and words of wisdom!!March 19, 2014 – 2:18 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Kim. There’s going to be a part 2 (maybe 3) so feel free to submit a quote (best to email me probably).March 19, 2014 – 11:39 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - This is a great list. I am honored to be among so many amazing people who care so much about others. It is hard sometimes to bite your tongue, or your brain and not judge. Even as a mom who knows better, occasionally it happens to me.
    These are awesome reminders.March 19, 2014 – 2:27 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m honored you’re a part of it and thanks so much for contributing your unique point of view, sweets. TTTx10.
      Also yeah, bite your tongue. (Not you. THAT mom because duh our kids are awesome.)March 20, 2014 – 12:10 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - These are wonderful, Kristi, and thank you also. Beautiful words of thoughts from everyone. This was such a brilliant idea on your part, our friend.March 19, 2014 – 2:40 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, thanks Mike. Been thinking of you and Phoenix. Hope he’s doing okay and thanks again for contributing.March 20, 2014 – 12:23 amReplyCancel

  • Jessica - This is wonderful. I try to do what Katia mentioned. You just never know what people are going through, unless they tell you. And even then, you may not understand completely. We need to give each other (and ourselves) a break and just be accepting and loving. Great post and message! 🙂March 19, 2014 – 3:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It’s so true. Somebody can be such a complete tool at a store, in doc’s office, at the pharmacy, and the fact is, we have no idea what news they’ve gotten, or what they’re going through at home. Same goes for us, too. We need to give our own selves a break as well.March 20, 2014 – 12:28 amReplyCancel

  • Michele - What a great list! I love #6. 🙂March 19, 2014 – 4:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Courtney - This list made me cry. I love it. What a wonderful idea. I think we all need to do our best to make the world a better place, daily.March 19, 2014 – 4:56 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m doing a part two. Maybe a three, too. Would love your words when you’ve got time and/or are inspired.
      And yeah, I agree, that we can do so many little things to make the world better every day. thanks, Courtney.March 20, 2014 – 12:37 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Of course I love this! Such lovely advice. Sharing…March 19, 2014 – 5:16 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Sarah. We’re all star stuff. Can’t wait to feature your words in part 2.March 20, 2014 – 12:45 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - I love each and every one of these! And I love that you did this — you’ve got some very wise friends out there and that gives me hope that the world truly CAN change!March 19, 2014 – 5:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I do have some wise friends and would love your words for the next version, Emily!!!
      Here’s to the world changing. Sooner, than later.March 20, 2014 – 12:52 amReplyCancel

      • Emily - I’d be honored to help…I better start thinking now to come up with something as eloquent as these contributors!March 20, 2014 – 10:46 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Love this so much!! I am honored to be included among such wonderful, wise, and loving words. Definitely found some inspiration here tonight! Hugs and thanks to you, friend!March 19, 2014 – 7:57 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m honored you contributed and thanks so much Lisa. Yay for inspiration!!March 20, 2014 – 12:59 amReplyCancel

  • Angel The Alien - This was a great idea for a post! I loved reading all of the answers people gave! I feel very inspired now.March 19, 2014 – 8:34 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Glad you feel inspired, Angel and thanks so much for reading! I’m going to do a part 2 soon if you want to email me something!March 20, 2014 – 1:06 amReplyCancel

  • Rachel - You have wise and wonderful friends. And I’m daring to call myself one of them! It’s no surprise either, because you are wise and wonderful. As is Our Land, and this week’s in particular. I think I will walk with more empathy tomorrow. Thank you for that!March 19, 2014 – 8:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HA I do have wise and wonderful friends, my wise and wonderful friend! Here’s to us ALL walking with more empathy tomorrow, and every day.March 20, 2014 – 1:07 amReplyCancel

  • Rich Rumple - Whatta way to get loads of views and comments, Sis! lol

    Smile! How many times have you read something of mine saying that same thing? Tired of seeing it? Well, if everyone in the world would do it, wouldn’t it be a better place to live in?

    No, I’m not talking about the politicians or other scam artists doing it while they screw us over. I’m talking about everyday people doing it during the common things they do … interactions with others and such. God, wouldn’t it be great?

    Well done my sister from another mother, well done!March 19, 2014 – 9:16 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Brothah, I’ll never tire of reading your most excellent rants about the world, politics, and why if every damn one of us would just DO IT and BE MORE wonderful, that the world would be. Here’s to everyday people doing everyday things that end up being extraordinary.
      Thanks, sweets. Thanks, much. Our Othah Mothah would tell us she finally is allowing us dessert, maybe?March 20, 2014 – 1:09 amReplyCancel

  • Katia - What an amazing idea and how inspiring to read everyone’s quotes. I loved what Don and Jen said. I’ll have to reread this in the morning, but what a Kristi thing to do!March 19, 2014 – 10:18 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - Oh, also loved Beth’s!March 19, 2014 – 10:19 pmReplyCancel

  • WriterMom Angela - I love every single thing about this post. Every thing! Thanks so much for including me!March 19, 2014 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - Wow these are really amazing! So many things I can relate to wanting to do or needing to do. I loved reading these. What a great idea!March 20, 2014 – 3:21 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Brittnei,
      I’m going to be doing a part two (and maybe more) if you’d like to email me a quote!March 20, 2014 – 10:21 amReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - This has got to be one of the best posts I’ve ever read and I don’t just say that because I’m in it. It is just smack full of overwhelming wisdom! This was a great idea, Kristi. I really loved your contribution at #30….kind of reminds me of one of my favorite quotes ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world.” But that would pretty much cover the whole post. Well done!March 20, 2014 – 8:52 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw Sandy thanks huge and your wisdom is Big Big. I’m going to do a follow-up post in a few weeks and may make something like this a regular Our Land feature. xoxoMarch 25, 2014 – 7:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Little Miss Wordy - I remind myself that everyone has their own, unique, Once Upon A Time.March 20, 2014 – 12:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - We used to have a quote wall in college – I wouldn’t put all of these up there. Thanks for sharing all of this empathy and wisdom, Kristi!March 20, 2014 – 3:33 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I love that you had a quote wall. I might want one now. Except, you know. messy.March 25, 2014 – 7:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!! I want to read it several times to really take in everyone’s amazing wisdom and encouragement to live with empathy and make this world a better place…

    If only.

    Sigh…

    SO honored you included me in this Kristi! Thanks so much hun!March 20, 2014 – 10:41 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m going to do it again, too! Whee! Thanks so much for your inspirational quote and for being a part of this.March 25, 2014 – 7:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Where’s the printable! Love this. #2 gave me goosebumps.March 21, 2014 – 10:40 amReplyCancel

  • Joy Christi - There is just SO MUCH delicious goodness, I need to print this out and frame it!March 21, 2014 – 11:36 amReplyCancel

  • Considerer - Aw man! It’s all so gorgeous…and then DON

    *giggling*

    Love this, though – SO glad you did it. A beautiful collaborative thoughtpalace

    (I typed it wrong – I was going for ‘thoughtplace’, but then I really loved the typo, so I kept it. Sounds much more grand-and-full-of-beautiful-things: like this post)March 21, 2014 – 2:23 pmReplyCancel

  • catherine gacad - amazing post. thank you for putting this together!March 22, 2014 – 10:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Ilene - Kristi, this could not be more uplifting. Act like the person I want to be? Yes – with all the rest. Yes, yes yes. Thank you for including me. xoMarch 24, 2014 – 3:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw thanks Ilene, and I appreciate you wanting to be included!!! You rock.March 25, 2014 – 8:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - Oh just a wee something to fill my heart with happy xoxoMarch 25, 2014 – 11:28 amReplyCancel

It’s been a few weeks since I did a thankful post, and I’m very thankful for the fact that my co-hosts have been forgiving of that (and thankful for the article that Zoe sent me). I am beyond thankful for the fact that I was able to have THREE margaritas with an IRL friend recently, and did […]

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by Kristi Campbell

Whatcha think, peeps?
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  • Janine Huldie - Honestly I am hoping that I don’t have to do anymore snow crafts or entertainment for this year, because I seriously am snowed out. Not sure about you, but I have my fingers crossed for spring now to be upon sooner rather then later! But seriously wishing you a great week now and less snow also 🙂March 17, 2014 – 7:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I so hear you, Janine. I can’t believe school is cancelled AGAIN. I’m so ready for snow and hope you don’t get this storm where you are because even sledding is becoming a bit of a chore.March 17, 2014 – 11:48 amReplyCancel

  • Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama - I’m a firm believer in the calorie-cancelling properties of being stuck inside with kids all day. Calories simply don’t count/register on snow days. Or sick days. Or business trips. Or when you’re standing up while eating!March 17, 2014 – 11:22 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - True that, Nicole. Any calories burned in any of the above (especially the business trips) are completely void. Nill, even, maybe possibly even burning ones for others!March 17, 2014 – 11:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I am currently on hold for a ridiculous amount of time just to make a dr. appt. so I guess I am thankful that I have the patience to keep holding…at least I get to read blogs and comment at the same time! Love your thankfuls and those snow day crafts…I have no idea how we escaped the snow this time up here in NY, but we do have the frigid temps so I do feel your pain so to speak. Hang in there and keep eating cookies!March 17, 2014 – 12:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - UGH to being on hold at all and thanks so much for coming here while you were doing so!! And I actually am sortof amazed that you all skipped this storm. Weather is weird. And icky.March 17, 2014 – 11:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - hahah! It’s not the worst snowman in the world. I’ve seen the worst one.
    And we Face-timed my mom three times yesterday. We had something perhaps worse than a snow day. A sick day! Fun times, right?March 17, 2014 – 1:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You’ve seen the worst snowman? Do tell! And so sorry to hear that your house is under the throws of a sick day. SO much worse than a snow one. xo Hope everybody is feeling better (well, Scar, anyway as it sounds like she’s the only affected one so far?”.March 17, 2014 – 11:34 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah - Fabulous list! Going to hunt up the duct tape now. Actually, I’m surrendering to the TV. I’m just SO DONE with this winter. Do, carousel? When the snow melts?March 17, 2014 – 1:43 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yes, to the DC carousel when the snow melts. Is it going to melt? For real? Ever? Like it’s really truly going to go away? See you in June, friend. 😉
      Ok fine it’ll melt before then but UGH really? Feels like never. Or June. We did tons of TV today too.March 17, 2014 – 11:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Courtney Conover - Wow, Kristi. Just…wow. I didn’t think there was a place on the map that was getting more snow than us, but it looks like you guys get the prize. (But, then, it really is just a toss up because our school district had a snow day late last week.) *Big sigh*

    I’ve bookmarked this post for when Scotty goes to school.

    But, hey, look at it this way: It could be worse — you could be like me, having two small kids who aren’t in school yet, so EVERYDAY this winter has been like a snow day. The level of cabin fever I feel should be deemed criminal.March 17, 2014 – 2:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - True, true, that it could be worse and I thank you for the reminder, Mama C (will always think of you as both Mama C and Courtney, hope that’s okay). I know what you mean about cabin fever. I hope this week brings you warmer weather and time out of the cabin. Dare I wish it? Even, maybe POSSIBLY, time to yourself? You deserve it and I hope it happens. 😀March 17, 2014 – 11:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Ugh. Another snow day. I’m thankful that my husband shoveled today, and that I was semi-productive and cleaned out a few closets. But if it snows again, I’m losing it!March 17, 2014 – 5:16 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You cleaned closets today? I’m impressed. I did nothing so productive. Although I did manage to order my face lotion online. That counts, right?March 17, 2014 – 11:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Mike - Thank you for the shout out and YES we absolutely know on Thankful! Phoenix, “The link didn’t work…” Me, “Phoenix, Kristi is one of our closest friends, knock it off.” Him, “I’m on narcotics.” Me again, “Point taken.” How about some Benadryl cookies?? I don’t need either…just need a buzz today. Lordy, have the kids back East been IN or OUT of school more days this year?! That is just ridiculous! The mummy game sounds fun except I’m horrifically claustrophobic to be bound and tied up. But, I wouldn’t mind commencing that on an awesome girl (with easy break-a-way ties)! “Writing” your name in the snow…absolutely for a boy. With a buddy…pee “sword fights” are even better! No snow this year during our horrible drought. Going to consider making a dead-grass-man instead. We ADORE YOU ALWAYS, our friend! 🙂March 17, 2014 – 5:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yes, Phoenix was on narcotics, but he was correct – the link was NOT working and I’m so sorry for that. Fixed, and tested now. You shouldn’t have questioned his skills as he did, after all, save humanity.
      Adore you back, awesome friends. Much.March 18, 2014 – 12:27 amReplyCancel

  • zoe - So I sense a bit of sarcasm in your list which means I am not supposed to fess up to actually letting my kid practice #7 by repeatedly doing #1 in the snow… he was so enthralled with it and had kidney issues as well as a learning disability… I mean its just a natural solution, right?

    Ok… we also made duct tape spider webs across a doorway and you had to get to the other side without getting stuck by the tape… you get stuck you have to start over… HOURS of fun! HOURS! HOURS! I hope Im making that clear… HOURS! we also did that with string and three bells tied into the web… if a bell rings you gotta start again… HOURS I TELL YA!

    Good article … hope it is imformative and inspiring for you!March 17, 2014 – 9:10 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAHAH Zoe, you ROCK for having actually done a duct tape spider web in the doorway and I’m using you as testimony if anybody ever says I’m unconventional. Same with the peeing in the snow thing because I actually do believe it’s a pretty brilliant solution to helping kids. The lengths we go to! I’m impressed by us (ok you). Thanks so much for the awesome encouragement!!! Did you make the pee snow a holiday card? Because I’m totally gonna.March 18, 2014 – 12:29 amReplyCancel

      • zoe - NO!… and I was so pissed when I read Lizzi’s idea! HAHAHAHA PISSED! I CRACK MYSELF UP!March 18, 2014 – 3:43 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Hm. So not to BRAG or anything, but it was actually MY idea as stated in number 7. The problem is going to be that it’s gonna be hard for me to add “Mommy” to the list without stomping all over it. Penises are better for this sort of thing.March 18, 2014 – 8:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Oh, I’m thankful for sledding too. Although we rarely get snow. So I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many days in a row of snow–although (again) we would welcome a little bit more than we got this year in Oregon. (Not much more), but we’d be willing to take a little of the snow burden from you–like maybe four or five hours, then it should melt and go away like it usually does. Ok. Maybe we would take an entire 24-48 hours, again, as long as it was gone and we could drive our cars. But then again, I don’t have to worry about snow since I’m in Mexico! Finally, I love your snow day projects. One clever lady. p.s. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to be in the warmth. I’m having margaritas, but for a different reason. To keep cool and hydrate I don’t think margaritas actually hydrate, but that is my story and I’m sticking to it.March 18, 2014 – 12:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Margaritas totally hydrate, especially in Mexico. While I’m beyond jealous, I do hope you enjoy your trip, Linda. And yeah, the snow can just go away already.March 18, 2014 – 12:33 amReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Oh, honey. I’m so sorry!!! That snowman will only be the worst until H is old enough for me to make one. And then mine will be.March 18, 2014 – 12:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks Deb. Still recovering. All these snow days have definitely put a cramp in my blogging. I mean IRL work schedule. Argh. Can’t wait for your crappy snowmen with H photos!March 18, 2014 – 8:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Lady Lilith - Lol. Your posts are priceless. I got such a good laugh out of it because this winter we were in your shoes one way or another. For me, my girls did some sensory with shaving cream and ended up covering the whole house in it. Needless to say I spend the next two days cleaning up.March 18, 2014 – 1:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw thanks, Lady Lilith, I hear you with the shaving cream too. Once, a friend suggested that in order to get Tucker to have fun writing letters, that we spray it on the wall of the bath. Needless to say, he preferred to spray it in our faces and it’s now hidden. Well.March 18, 2014 – 9:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Louise - I don’t think you should give up on dancing on the table top quite yet…. that’s a level of careless free I sometimes aspire to re-discover.

    I have a male friend who I’m beginning to think secretly reads my blog. I did this whole bit in my last thankful post about how I know no one who dances anymore; we are out for drinks; and he suggests we find a group to go and dance. Not sure about tabletops – but perhaps I might still venture out to raise a roof at the 25+ club… Or a gay bar. I remember feeling a bit old last time I did this (circa 3 years ago) but it still sounds once in an ever little while fun.

    Boo to snow days; yay to IRL friends; and yay to your tweet fame!March 18, 2014 – 11:10 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I heard some more people are getting snow Tuesday. I hope those people aren’t you. LOL. As for that last one, I think Christopher would have to go with Chris.March 21, 2014 – 10:34 amReplyCancel

Which was the best decade? For me, each one that I’ve experienced holds powerful memories and life-changing moments. So, I say all of them are the best decades. 2010’s: Netflix Original Series (new to me so it counts), and me pretty much having no clue what any of the trends are other than that the […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Janine Huldie - It was the 80s for me all the way too and seriously still can’t get over how much I still love thinking back fondly on those days good and bad. So, totally shake you hand on this and looks like we have this in common, too 🙂March 13, 2014 – 10:04 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - We so have this in common and while you were much younger than I was in the 80’s, it was SUCH a good decade!!! Love too, that all of us hosts chose the same one (although technically, I said all of them are my favs). 😀March 15, 2014 – 12:12 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - I love your decades. Tuckers is obviously my favorite decade. Though David tried to wear those 80 pants the other day. I had no idea you knew one another 🙂 I remember Y2K fear and the worse 9/11 terror. TO make you feel better this is my horrific memory of the 80’s. My mom having friends over for a dance party, younger brother having a sleep over with a bunch of heathens and what does my mom announce, “Kerri’s friend just arrived”. Yeah, I hated that monthly friend from that moment onMarch 13, 2014 – 10:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Tucker’s my favorite decade too, because he’s really the only one that actually matters. With that said, I sure had some fun before he got here, and I’ll never forget it!!!

      No way that your mom did that. OMG. Ouch. I still hate that monthly friend.March 15, 2014 – 12:14 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I wish I had known you in the eighties. You seemed much cooler than the kids I hung out with. And yes, that seventies dress is hideous – and poor Holly Hobby is running around naked somewhere.March 13, 2014 – 10:23 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I wish I knew YOU in the 80’s. HHAHAH to poor Holly Hobby!! I had forgotten all about her. I had a lamp that was her that my mom made. She probably made my dress to match. I’m going to have to ask her. She likely thought she was doing me a favor.March 15, 2014 – 12:17 amReplyCancel

  • MJM - Totally rad piece of awesomeness playa…rat tail and all.The 80s were freaking great, oh how I miss them.March 13, 2014 – 10:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Oh, I’m loving all these pics of everyone from the 80s! You rocked that decade, lady! I posted a pic of my hideous 1986 perm … and sadly the smile in the pic clearly indicates I thought it was awesome. And I agree with you… all the decades have been amazing!March 13, 2014 – 10:44 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yay for all of the decades being amazing. I didn’t really like this prompt much, or maybe it was that I was out of time, but I did end up enjoying it much more than I thought I would because seeing all of the poodle perms has been awesome!March 15, 2014 – 12:26 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - The answering machine! Yes! Have had long conversations attempting to explain the importance of them to my kids. “You’d come home and hope against hope that the light was blinking. Then you’d hope against hope that the message was for you. You’d hope against hope that there were more than one message for you!”
    Amazed at the photos you were able to produce – damned impressive.March 13, 2014 – 10:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Really? I love that you’ve explained the answering machine to your kids. I feel like that whole era, and the ideas and hopes behind it are so forgotten. Not knowing if somebody called us when we were out? GONE. And in some ways, I think it was better then which is maybe weird.March 15, 2014 – 12:28 amReplyCancel

  • Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama - I was born in ’81, so I guess that makes me a late 90s/early 00s chick. Kurt Cobain died when I was in middle school. There was a lot of flannel & grunge back then. Of course, I was way too dorky for all that!March 13, 2014 – 10:49 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’ve figured out that dorky then is not dorky now, which means you were beyond awesome, and wow, I’m old.March 15, 2014 – 12:34 amReplyCancel

  • Bianca @ Rant Rave Crave - I do like that you shared a bit of each decade. You drew my aunt’s answering machine to a T. I’m teetering between the 80s & 90s as my favorites.March 13, 2014 – 11:06 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA to your aunt’s answering machine. They were both pretty awesome, as is now…and the future (hopefully).March 15, 2014 – 12:38 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - Holy wow factor this is an eerie and ironic post. Eerie in that 90 minutes ago I was driving home on the freeway from the north and an entire panoramic view of the city is revealed as the sun was setting to the West. Thoughts went flying through my noggin’ as to where 30 years disappeared to since I had made that same drive when life was so much easier, filled with fun times and not some current worries weighing on my heart. Ironic, in that I would not trade what I have in my life right now to go back unless Phoenix could come with me. I loved this retro flashback, Kristi. Geezus, you’ve always been a hottie from then to now! The 80’s will likely always remain my favorite decade. I loved this post 🙂March 13, 2014 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow, cool and weird and awesome that it was so perfectly timed for your life. I know that feeling well, driving in a city that brings you so far back, but also reminds you of today.
      I hope Phoenix is okay…been thinking about him, and you.March 15, 2014 – 12:44 amReplyCancel

  • linda Atwell - Out One Ear - silly me, every decade is my favorite at the time. It’s the same for travel for me too. When I’m on my trip, it is my favorite place. But back to you. I can’t believe you can remember all this stuff from high school. But then again, you are much younger, yet 15 years ago, I don’t think I could remember the stuff you remember when I was your age. Did that make any sense at all??? I love all your pics! p.s. am headed to Mexico (a charming little town north of Puerto Vallarta called San Pancho) on Saturday. I will have access to internet and will try to check in often. I don’t like missing out on your posts. 🙂 Have a great Friday.March 14, 2014 – 12:18 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think it’s the same for travel, for me, too. And experiences. I so often think “Why have I waited so long to do this/visit this place?” each time I’m in the “new.” Love how you put this and yes, that makes perfect sense. I can’t remember my next IEP meeting date but remember moments from my past with too much clarity. Of course, i don’t remember those dates, either, mostly. I’m so jealous about your trip!! My first hubs and I got married in Puerto Vallarta and ugh I LOVE Mexico, so much. Haven’t been in years. Enjoy – big enjoy I hope.March 15, 2014 – 12:47 amReplyCancel

  • April G - So sex in a closet? That’s one “I never” drunk I won’t be having. Reading the way you describe it, the 80s
    seem pretty cool.March 14, 2014 – 12:55 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - The 80’s were awesome. 😀

      and that’s all I’m gonna say about that!March 15, 2014 – 12:49 amReplyCancel

  • clark - oh! favorite decade! damn… been a while doin this here bloghop here, so I think I got the theme wrong

    (yeah, I coulda come and read your post, but we both know what happens when one clark reads another clark’s post (when an open-ended theme)… one of us ends up looking like Kirk when he got stuck in the Tholian web and he was totally checking out Uhura in her room and all and….)

    yeah, better stop now.

    two words for the 1980s: ‘damn!’March 14, 2014 – 8:54 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAAHAH to the whole Kirk getting stuck in the Tholian web!!! OMG!!!
      And yeah, we Clarks need to not read (or talk to, or mind melt – AH HEM) each other for these Posts!!! And yeah, the 80’s. LMAO!!March 15, 2014 – 12:51 amReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - I would have done this post the exact same way. There were so many good things in every one of the decades I’ve lived through. Some crap, too. Lots of it, actually. But how can I complain when it brought me here. I love this post, Kristi. You and I have so very much in common (have I said that before?). Probably even the sex in the closet. Maybe.March 14, 2014 – 9:16 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Um, hello? I think we’ve both said that we have so much in common and I love that we’d have done it the same way. Lots of crap here, too. Too much maybe, or just maybe the regular amount. Who knows. HAHAHA to sex in the closet (maybe) being one of them!!March 15, 2014 – 12:53 amReplyCancel

  • don - Yay, sex in closets!!!

    So much going on here my head is spinning. All of the decades really are the best for sure. You win at picking the best decade.March 14, 2014 – 9:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - YAAY to sex in closets, for sure. All of them are awesome, indeed. It’s hard to choose one single decade when all of them were their own bests, whether debauchery, or having Tucker, or just the closets. They all rocked. March 15, 2014 – 12:55 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I had forgotten about rat tails!! Why did we do that? Who was the first person that decided having the same appendage as a disgusting rodent was “cool?” Ahhhh – th 80’s!March 14, 2014 – 10:49 amReplyCancel

    • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Oh, and “Bwess you” is absolutely adorable!!March 14, 2014 – 10:52 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH to rat tails and them being cool! With that said, I look at mine, in that photo and still (dumbly) think “yeah, that was cool.” 😀March 15, 2014 – 12:58 amReplyCancel

  • jamie@southmainmuse - I’d have to say just running around with my girlfriends in the 70s. Just being goofy. It was great.March 14, 2014 – 10:54 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I miss the freedom of running around with girlfriends. because you’re right – it was great, indeed. Sigh.March 15, 2014 – 12:59 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah - Love the pics! Such memories. I am impressed you can recall the details of each decade. Those fade for me.March 14, 2014 – 11:27 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - They fade for me in some ways too, but are so clear in others. Weird, I suppose.March 15, 2014 – 1:16 amReplyCancel

  • Natalie D - NO WAY. You had a rat tail? I’m having a hard time picturing it.March 14, 2014 – 11:38 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Natalie, it’s in the photo with the numbers, although it’s hard to see. And it was awesome. Maybe.March 15, 2014 – 1:17 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - Although I’m not participating in FTSF this week, I probably would have picked the 80s…I completely forgot about that shaved side of your head haircut thing – I had that one for years! I love how you highlighted each decade but I gotta say, the rat tail and bulletin board photo/description was my favorite! 🙂March 14, 2014 – 12:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You did? That’s so awesome we had the same haircut!!! Such fun. I miss the 80’s sometimes. Talk about fashion excellence in yuck!!!March 15, 2014 – 1:18 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Your roommate scratched your beautiful face!
    I don’t have a favorite decade. I was born in the 1980’s so probably clueless for most of them. So the 90’s were my “coming of age” decade. Everything else was pretty sweet too. The 80’s weren’t my favorite, though, I do miss so much of the later parts of it.March 14, 2014 – 2:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I know – she was mean right? And yeah, I think for a lot of us, our favorite (or at least most memorable) decade has to do with which one we “came to age” in so it makes sense that the 90’s stick out for you there.March 15, 2014 – 12:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Jhanis - I had a rat-tail too! They were so cool back then! Until my mom made me cut it. Pffft I swear you look like Britney Spears on that Mexico photo! If you don’t like Britney Spears, let’s just blame it on my eyes. I cannot find my eye-glasses! LOLMarch 14, 2014 – 2:43 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You did? That’s so awesome and you’re right – they were SO cool back then. Bummer your mom made you cut yours. Mine was cut at a party and hahah to Britney Spears. LOL.March 15, 2014 – 12:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - Um, I totally thought you looked amazing in all those pictures. I wish I was as 80’s cool as you during that decade.March 14, 2014 – 3:06 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Trust me that there are tons of photos from the 80’s that are far more dorky. I probably destroyed most of them, back in the 80’s. Dumb, because they’d be fun to laugh at now!March 15, 2014 – 12:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Lanaya | Raising Reagan - I absolutely adore that picture of you, your hubby and Tucker! It’s so precious. And wow … hotty! Look at you! You are a true beauty love! 🙂
    I’ve missed you and it was so fun getting a chance to come catch up a bit!

    xoxo
    LanayaMarch 14, 2014 – 4:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’ve missed you too! Hi! And any hottie in my was aged out a while back. Maybe that’s why I like those photos. Fun to remember younger, less wrinkled days!! And I like that photo of us with Tucker, too. It’s so weird that he’s already 4 1/2 – time flies….March 15, 2014 – 12:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Tarana - This was a fun read because it really painted a perfect picture of the 80s! You look lovely in all the pics 🙂March 14, 2014 – 4:12 pmReplyCancel

  • Menopausal Mother - What a FUN POST! I have to say, I think the 80’s were some of my favorite times. LOVED all the old pictures!March 14, 2014 – 9:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Steck - I love your summary of all the decades, Kristi. There are so many fond memories of all of them, but the 80’s were my favorite.March 14, 2014 – 10:23 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think the 80’s were most of our favorite – well, for those of us who were alive back then anyway! I mean bad perms, peg jeans and jellys? What’s not to love?March 15, 2014 – 12:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - The 80’s are by far my favorite. It’s was the beginning of kinda being grown up without all the responsibility. Love the pics!March 15, 2014 – 11:50 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yeah, maybe that’s what it is – being kinda grown up but not having the responsibilities. Sigh. And thanks!March 15, 2014 – 1:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - You are just so beautiful, Kristi. I see where Tucker gets his warm, infectious smile. I hope to get to see both of them IRL someday. And, no, you did not need hair products in the horse pic. You look adorable. Regards the post, you have coined a new phrase: “hideous puke of a dress.” I love that you couldn’t pick a decade, so we all got to rewind with you. And, holy shit, I went to St. John in the 90’s and never wanted to come back too!! I think we had a few more things in common in there. Probably something to do with losing virginity. And, yes, I remember bulletin boards.March 16, 2014 – 9:03 pmReplyCancel

  • christine - I hope you thanked Bob C. He did you a big favor. 🙂
    Picking a favorite decade is too hard, unless we take music into account. Then, the 80s win, hands down.
    You, dear, were the epitome of cool compared to my awkward days. Many a remark have been made about my younger years, and none of them good. As my siblings have pointed out, it’s a darn good thing I could run fast, as that is what saved me from being the biggest loser nerd.
    Yay for Tucker saying bwess you. That shows progress in many areas, don’t you think?March 17, 2014 – 7:36 amReplyCancel

  • karen - Tucker’s decade is the best, hands down. It’s just amazing how much a child can make life worth living, right?

    Oh the craziness of being young, and the stories we have for later years. Love trip down memory lane babe.March 17, 2014 – 12:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - That answering machine illustration is sheer brilliance! I love your photos and the witty commentary. I completely agree with the sentiment that every decade’s a favourite one. I think that this is why I struggled with writing this post. Each decade for me is covered in warm nostalgia and they all have their defining moments and it was just impossible for me to choose. Great way tackling this!March 17, 2014 – 9:12 pmReplyCancel

Today’s Our Land is a Part Deux by by Lizzi of Considerings; a follow-up from last week’s.  Last week’s had a couple of people commenting on how they did not see how it related to Our Land. They were justified in wondering, and rightfully confused, as it wasn’t my typical Our Land. If there are readers out […]

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by Kristi Campbell

Whatcha think, peeps?
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  • Emily - I told you in my previous comment on your part 1 piece that my mom was a director of nursing for several different NY area nursing homes during the height of her career. I wish she was still alive, because I would have forwarded to her what you wrote here. I know she would have loved it and would have agreed. She spent her whole career championing for the elderly, wrote books about it, and so on. There’s an old nursing home joke/saying that goes like this: “Be nice to your kids. They pick your nursing home.” There is some truth to that too! Anyway Lizzi, great piece and a wonderful addition to the Our Land series.March 12, 2014 – 10:36 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I remember you saying, and I was impressed then, at how she’d spent her life and energy making life so, so much better for the elderly she cared for. That’s truly inspiring, and we should all be so lucky as you to have such a strong role model in this regard.

      Thank you for sharing her story though, it’s been so nice to have feedback that you think she would have appreciated this piece.

      I’ve heard that joke. I could respond (tastelessly) that it won’t be a problem for me…but I do get the point 😉March 12, 2014 – 5:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - This is definitely a message that we need to hear, and the way our society treats our older citizens clearly lacks respect and empathy. I don’t know if it’s the system or the individuals, but I know there are good people like you out there, Lizzi. We just need more.March 12, 2014 – 10:50 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Never mistake me for anything less than someone who writes a good game, Dana. I know I’m lovely to my patients, but I still haven’t visited my grandad. I suck.

      BUT. The message as a stand-alone, is VITAL.March 12, 2014 – 5:35 pmReplyCancel

  • beth teliho - UGH this story made me cringe. You’re right, though, this is a critically important subject. Thank you, Lizzi.March 12, 2014 – 10:52 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - So much sadness, hidden in forgotten corners.

      We need to change things. Somehow.March 12, 2014 – 5:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Couldn’t agree more with your message here today Lizzi and glad you shared the second part of this with us, because I think I mentioned last week that my grandmother (although she didn’t have alzheimer’s) had a bit of senility and short term memory loss near the end of her life. I always tried to have as much patience with her when I could, but will be honest sometimes I would have my moments more out of frustration that this had to happen to her. But still wouldn’t have traded in any of the time I did have with her and cherish that we had her in our lives as long as we did. And wish other felt this way about those who are indeed older and possibility not as with it mentality as they once were. Thank you again for sharing with us.March 12, 2014 – 11:18 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - It’s never easy. Especially when they start losing their minds. I had to bite my lips today and not let out a BIGHUGESIGH of exasperation when a very little-old dear read the same line on my sight chart about three times, thinking she was switching lines each time.

      GOOD FOR YOU for looking after your Grandmother, and for finding lovely things to cherish about the experience.March 12, 2014 – 5:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Margarita Matos - Lizzi, thanks so much for the reminder. Sadly, age is considered increasingly inconvenient to many cultures. As we get older, it gets harder to manage.

    As our lives get faster and busier, we tend to forget about those who depend on us. I know I sometimes feel like I don’t do enough for my aging mom. I sometimes feel like I wish I had more time for her and more patience when she gets anxious. She tells me I do okay, but I still get the feeling like it’s not enough and it can never be enough.March 12, 2014 – 12:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - We get so caught up, don’t we, in trying to juggle everything, in trying to get everything right.

      And in the end, I just don’t think it’s possible. But what you’re doing is TRYING (which is a lot more than many do, and to be commended) and just…believe her. She knows you. I’m sure she understands your situation and the ways you’re adapting and compromising to support her. And she sounds like she’s thankful for you, in whatever way you’re able to be there for her. Embrace that. Don’t start guilt tripping yourself 🙂March 12, 2014 – 5:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Elena Dillon - This post is so needed. At this time in my life when I watch all my friends dealing with elderly parents, sicknesses and money problems and all that comes along with getting older I’m disheartened at how unprepared we are as a society to deal with the elderly. Both my parents are gone now but my in-laws are alive and well. They have a busier social life than my husband and I do but I wonder what we’ll do. They’ve been married almost 50 years. Thank you for writing this. We need to value the elderly so much more than we do.March 12, 2014 – 12:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Sounds as though your in-laws are ROCKING old age. That’s so lovely to hear 😀

      But yes – it’s an awful, nagging feeling. I really hope that you find your decisions easy, if you ever have to make them, by virtue of having GOOD options available to you.

      Sounds like a tough time of life. That part of growing up, I am NOT looking forward to.March 12, 2014 – 5:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - I think the transformation of your view of the elderly shows exactly what is needed to feel empathy. We need to be willing to really see people. We will never feel empathetic if we turn a blind eye to situations. Unfortunately, what it also means is that we have to often confront our own fears and our own feelings of helplessness. Hence, why it’s much easier to turn a blind eye. Thank you for shining this light on the elderly today, Lizzi.March 12, 2014 – 12:40 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Thank you. It really was a transformation. I’ve done (some) Growing-Up in the last ten years, in ways I never expected. But yes – confronting our own lack and our own carelessness and our propensity to just let things slide…that’s hard.

      Glad you get it. 🙂March 12, 2014 – 5:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate - Wow, I agree we do need to change the way we look after and treat our elderly. My husband and I just got into a disagreement about this actually because we know once one of his parents dies the living one will come to live with us, but yet when I talk about the same thing with my parents he was unwilling to let that happen. I said well this is something we need to sort out because they are our parents and I will not put them in a home…yours or mine and it is hurtful that you would be so willing to cast mine off. After a few days he apologized and I told him to make more money so we could have a bigger house & that would solve the problem when it occurs years and years and years and years from now 😉March 12, 2014 – 1:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh gosh! I can’t imagine the heartache that would have caused. I’m glad you stood your ground, and that the two of you worked it out in the end.

      I’m worried about facing this situation one day, as my parents are divorced, and Husby’s parents are in Ireland. We can’t possibly look after them all…

      I think some of them might just have to drop dead suddenly and save us the effort.

      (hey – kidding. You got that I was trying to be funny, right?)March 12, 2014 – 5:59 pmReplyCancel

      • Kate - LOL yeah, my husband tends to not be the most considerate person in the world, but when I turn the tables & make him be empathetic he gets it lol thank goodness he has a tolerant wife 😉

        …lol yes, I get that you are kidding, but it gave me a good laugh…I’m sure we’ve all been there before and had those thoughs..*in jest, of course* lolMarch 12, 2014 – 7:40 pmReplyCancel

        • Considerer - Sounds like a really good thing that you and he have such a complementary relationship. That should stand you in good stead. Hopefully.

          And hey – we all gotta learn from each other, right? 🙂

          (*phew!*)March 12, 2014 – 7:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah - Golly, it makes me happy to think of you in your job! That you found a small way to improve their lives without feeling completely despondent yourself. It is a terrible situation. Thank you for making it less so.March 12, 2014 – 2:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I try. But it is only a VERY small way. At least I can do THAT.

      Thanks for cheering me on, my dear 🙂 *hugs*March 12, 2014 – 6:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Mike - Good follow up, Lizzi. I absolutely agree that we need to celebrate our elderly across the board. And w/o writing a novel there needs to be a huge change in our society to caring for them. We have dropped the ball for too many decades. I won’t even get into the politics of where our money is being allocated. This definitely yanks a very difficult chain having seen both of my young parents and a grandmother go through homes. There are some really good folks but I can tell you firsthand and of information I’m privy to that there are a lot of truly criminal workers in the industry as well. It hovers with a huge forboding cloud in my thoughts for when I’m “put there” which frankly I hope to ascend before that happens. Thank you for this awesome two part series 🙂

    I wanted to input something else and it is only MY opinion real quick. Unless a blogger states otherwise ahead of time, a Comment section is an open forum for positive and negative input. If you are going to put down the author or their writing, take ownership of it and leave your name. Have a great day!March 12, 2014 – 3:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Thanks Mike. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough time with this kind of thing in your family. And you’re right – there are some SHOCKINGLY awful people and standards out there, and it hurts to think that our elderly, who have done so much, aren’t better protected.

      I hope not to end up in one of these places. I can see why people do themselves in rather than face it…

      And THANK YOU for being such a champ. That’s what I think. Own it or say NOTHING. Constructive criticism is one thing. But meanness and nastiness is entirely unnecessary.

      (If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all)March 12, 2014 – 6:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Just last weekend, my oldest daughter sang with the youth choir form our church at a local nursing home. I went to watch and just felt sad for the people there. Almost all of them wheeled in in wheelchairs, many having no clue what was going on. It all seemed so lonely. Then, at the very end, as the children sang a familiar hymn, many of them began to sing along and some even clapped or tapped a foot. I imagined them going back in their memories to younger, happier days. I hope and pray it brought a ray of joy into their lives. I’m pretty certain it did.March 12, 2014 – 3:31 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - What a completely GORGEOUS thing to do, and so wonderful to hear that your daughter is getting involved in making these old people’s lives BETTER. This is probably my favourite response to this so far. Thanks Lisa. Keep her singing 😀March 12, 2014 – 6:07 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - Very nicely done Lizzi. I couldn’t comment on your first post, I didn’t know where you were going and I was uncomfortable.
    But this is wonderful, and true.
    When I was first out of college I worked with Alzheimer’s patients as an Art Therapist. I know it’s hard to believe, but I really enjoyed my time with them.
    Some days I was someone’s daughter, other days I was a long lost best friend.
    Other days I was just the mean caretaker who wouldn’t let them eat the play dough!
    They deserve our love and compassion, you are very right.March 12, 2014 – 3:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Awwwh Jen I smiled at your reminiscences. Thanks for sharing them 😀 That’s a really lovely way to think about them.

      Sorry I made you uncomfortable with the first one. I hope I redeemed myself.

      *HUGS*March 12, 2014 – 6:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Piper - Brilliant conclusion and you are so right. I was so glad for my own nan, and we were glad for my mother in law, because they became ill and passed quickly. Sad, that we should be happier they went than that they lingered with us for as long as possible but in a state we knew they would hate to be in. But we should celebrate their lives and the fantastic things they did for us in bringing us up.March 12, 2014 – 5:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - It’s so bittersweet when that happens, Piper. But I’m glad that you all managed to find solace in their not lingering and dying slowly and horribly.

      Blech :/

      But YES we should celebrate.March 12, 2014 – 6:19 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - Oh, Lizzi, this has got me tearful because what you write about the old people left waiting in corridors reminds me of how my parents had to wait for hours for my dad’s medication after every hospital appointment. At least they had each other. The day my dad was admitted to hospital for the last time, I was with him and I the only time I left his side during the 4 hour admission period was when one of my sisters came so I could go and get lunch. Otherwise he would have been left sitting on his own, on a bed too high for him to get down alone. He could easily have fallen, since he was so weak at that point.

    But, after that, honestly he was treated with nothing but respect and dignity and the hospital staff really made him feel so valued.
    I wish I could say the same about my aunt who fell and cracked a rib which punctured her lung – she was sent home twice from hospital before they realised how serious it was, and by then it was too late.
    So yes, yes and yes. Value, respect and dignity is what our elderly deserve – I totally agree!March 12, 2014 – 6:24 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Yvonne I’m so glad that the hospital treated your dad with dignity and respect AFTER that point.

      I feel so bad for our nurses – they are SO overworked, and often right up against the wall from the time they walk in in the morning, until they leave at night. THIS is where the budget should be spent. NOT on agency nurses who can’t help and don’t know the ropes and COST, but on staff who want to work overtime. Who know the patients. Who CAN lighten the load.

      Oh but it’s all horrible.

      And I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt. That’s really horrific.

      I’m so glad your parents had each other.March 12, 2014 – 7:23 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - It’s hard to come up with anything to say after reading this. The story about the Irish lady who sat in her wheelchair all by herself for a few hours broke my heart. I agree that getting old is not for wimps. I don’t know if there really is an alternative, getting old is just as sad when it’s done at home with your loved ones. Your loved ones stop being your loved ones once you don’t recognize them. UGH is right, to quote Beth, but I find some comfort in the type of cheerful and dignified interaction you offer your patients now.March 12, 2014 – 8:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - In which case we do it for their memory’s sake. They might stop being people we recognise, but they are STILL that person. The parallel between this – the disintegration of personality which can occur, and babyhood: the formation of that personality – are striking. Yet one we (as a rule) care for and nurture, and the other we shut away. Probably because it’s so much more painful to witness, but it makes them no less ‘out loved ones’.

      UGH pretty much sums it up. And there’s no alternative to getting old. But there ARE options in how we choose to view those elderly people in our lives.March 13, 2014 – 3:13 amReplyCancel

  • Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life - So well said Lizzi. Reading about the woman who was just stuck there for hours was heartbreaking. How does that happen? It makes me so sad. Sad to get old, and sad for those who are old. I truly hope this changes, but I have my doubts. The family network isn’t what it used to be…I wonder if this would happen so often if the family network was stronger.March 12, 2014 – 9:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Michelle, I think you’ve definitely hit on one of the contributing factors there, and the disruption of the family unit must surely have its repercussions, but the bonds…I know that I can create a strong bond with someone without ever having met them in person. So it’s not geography.

      I think it’s that we’re too used to not viewing our elderly as people who have achieved the pinnacle of life, but rather as people who have fallen from it. Those who are of working-age are the new golden wonders, and we have a nasty tendency to view the transition from that as something inevitable but to be pitied.

      And how it happens that people get abandoned for hours? Lack. Of. Care. Purely and simply. And it needs to change.March 13, 2014 – 3:16 amReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - First of all- it’s atrocious… I am right there with you. I am sick about all the horrifying neglect and outright abuse that goes on with these precious warriors. I do hope you have some ideas of what we can do…

    Why is it that we don’t honor our elders? WHY? You are so right- so many other cultures HONOR them in HUGE ways!!! We let them sit in hallways for hours forgotten… We let them lay in beds for days with bed sores and broken… God help them.

    I love that you checked on her. I love that you were aware and your heart was there. I’m not surprised.March 13, 2014 – 12:19 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - A plan? Yes, I have a plan (and no credentials to back it up) – we SHOW WE CARE. And we show the generations after us that we are ACTIVE in caring. That we go out of our way to be respectful and kind and I *know* we can’t do it all. I know the rot is too deep for any of us to change it single-handedly, but as with the story of the stranded starfishes, we can show care and love for this one. And this one. And this one. And the ripples might just catch, and start spreading…March 13, 2014 – 3:20 amReplyCancel

  • Mandi - I’m at a loss for words. I volunteered at a home in college and spent many afternoons visiting with people who everyone else seemed to have forgotten. I fed the ones who couldn’t feed themselves and read books to them. I remember a particular woman who confused me with her daughter, and I spent hours wit her. She was so lonely and so confused and just needed someone to care. She enjoyed listening to the piano, so I often pushed her wheelchair down to the activity center, and she would sit and listen to me play always happily cheering after each song. I was so pleased to be present one day when her son came to visit because I was sure she was one of the forgottens. It’s something I plan to so again…visit with the forgottens. Thank you for reminding me what a joy it was for me.March 13, 2014 – 12:30 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh Mandi, you just sent my soul rocketing into *shinysparklyglowytwinklywonder* – your heart is so golden, and so shining, and I LOVE that you did that.
      She was never forgotten, my dear. YOU remembered her. And you are wonderful.March 13, 2014 – 3:24 amReplyCancel

  • Anita Davis Sullivan - Of course it makes sense in Our Land… that we love and cherish those who have given us so much and now must not be forgotten.

    I think, no I hope, that there is some comfort towards the end in reflecting on a life well lived and that I can sit alone in the quiet, playing the movies of my life. But I hope there is family there often to keep making new ones.

    Thanks for sharing yet again.March 13, 2014 – 11:37 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Yes – PRECISELY THAT – Anita you’ve hit the nail on the head! It’s as though we’re willing to write them off once they need US to love and cherish and give to THEM! Sometimes. Not all the time. Because there are places and people who get it really right.

      But oh, the ones who get it wrong 🙁March 13, 2014 – 7:13 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Lizzi: When you think about it, these elderly (once, a long time ago) were somebody’s baby. They were loved and cuddled and adored. Then time passes and things change and you are correct, in some societies the elderly are still loved and adored and valued. But much of the world they are set aside. Their time is up. Hurry up and get off this merry-go-round. I think the most important part of aging is to feel valued. I’ve always loved the elderly because they are full of stories–and sometimes, if they get away from how awful it is to be old or away from talking about aches and pains, they can be entertaining. I had one grandmother who was the former; one the latter. We adored the latter grandmother and visited her to the end. Thanks for this post Lizzi. You’ve brought back some wonderful memories for me. I loved how you handled your patients–especially the question about taking a few years off. You are so darn incredible. I hope you know it. And Kristi: thanks for bringing Lizzi to us two weeks in a row.March 13, 2014 – 1:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - We naturally gravitate towards those who entertain us and make us feel good about ourselves, and somehow, quite often, we forget that these elderly, shrivelldy looking people can be FULL of lively, raucous, INCREDIBLE stories of lives we could never have imagined, and that it is a PRIVILEGE to hear them told to us.
      I’m so glad this brought back lovely memories for you, linda. That’s awesome 😀

      And thank you so much for liking this and saying nice things 🙂March 13, 2014 – 7:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Allison - What a beautiful, heart wrenching post and all of it so painfully true. I do not enjoy being around the elderly because it is a stark reminder that that will be me that day, and I am not mature enough emotionally to handle that. I know it is selfish and I am working on it…posts like this help. Thank you!March 13, 2014 – 1:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - But Alison, I wonder if you are afraid of the same thing as I am – that you might end up being treated the way we see THEM treated now…?

      That’s what scares me.

      I’m glad this helped you – thanks for letting me know. That’s really important to me 🙂March 13, 2014 – 7:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Tracie - Your words, your heart, are beautiful. Even when your story is one that is lacking beauty. These survivors, who have far more wisdom than I, should be honored and cared for, and loved.March 13, 2014 – 11:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Tracie, thank you for thinking so. It’s not always the case, I guarantee it! But yes – these survivors should be honoured. And they aren’t. And that hurts, but more importantly, it hurts ALL of us, whether we’re prepared to recognise that or not.March 16, 2014 – 2:33 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - You verbalize beautifully (as always) thoughts that have been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. I wish everyone who knows my 97-yr-old grandmother could have known her when she was physically and mentally stronger. While she is wonderful just as she is now, there is much more depth to her character that is hidden by age and Alzheimer’s.March 14, 2014 – 4:46 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Thanks Kristi. I know you’ve been spending a lot of time with her, and I loved your TToT post through her eyes, but even then, and knowing that I had these coming up, it ached a little. It’s painful to see the people we knew to be so much MORE, so diminished. And I guess that might be one of the things people shy away from, because that can be truly awful to witness.March 16, 2014 – 2:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara (at PenPaperPad) - My Mom worked at a nursing care facility for 25 years. She’d come home with bruises and scratches from Alzheimer patients, who would not recognize her and were afraid. Or just plain mean.

    She’d slump through the door, teary-eyed and heart-sad when one of her favorite patients had passed on.

    She’d slam home when some family who would come see their family member once or twice a year, would criticize her work so they could appease their guilt. (At least they did “something.”)

    They were always understaffed. They always had too many patients.

    Now, she’s retired and getting older. So far, she’s had a rocky health road, but she’s kicking around alright. She’s not alone. She’s not at a point where the decision of where she lives has to be taken from her.

    I hope it never is.March 14, 2014 – 8:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Tamara, I’m so glad she’s not at that stage yet. I also hope she never gets to that stage. Because…just contemplating it is so horrific.
      I’ve been hit at work by an Alzheimer’s patient. The poor guy just didn’t understand what was going on, and was so distressed that I called a stop to the screening, because it just wasn’t fair to put him through it. It was horrible. He was so confused.
      It sounds as though your mother battled against really tough circumstances to do her best for those old people. GOOD FOR HER.March 16, 2014 – 2:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - This second part affected me way differently than the first part. Recently I had to buy light bulbs and I asked for a sales associate to help me decide. They sent the guy for that department and he was so old I didn’t know how he could still be working there. I was very patient with him. I was frustrated on the inside because it took forever and I wished I had not asked for a sales associate. In the end I thanked him so much for his help. After he had gone to the back to get more I didn’t have the heart to tell him that wasn’t what I was looking for. I swear it took about 30 minutes. I bought the light bulbs and just took them back the next day. I don’t know if he was proud our pained to have helped me and I don’t know if he wants to work or he has to but I know I did my part in being patient with him while he did his job. But it should go so much further than that. I didn’t ask him how his day was or anything. And now I wonder after this post, who he is and what he was.March 15, 2014 – 11:42 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Ouch! Kenya, it sounds like you did really well just to be patient with him.

      The number of times I have to bite my tongue and try to remain polite when they’re dothery and frustrating and I’m up against a dictated timeframe of minutes allowed per patient…*sigh*

      But somehow these encounters touch us and are meaningful. Perhaps they shape the way we view things, or the way we behave next time. Or the whole future.

      That’s the important thing – mulling on these things and figuring out what they mean for us, and how we’ll respond another time.March 16, 2014 – 2:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Louise - This was a really well done two part series – thanks for this Lizzi – and for sharing this part of your past experience with us.

    My grandmother had a stroke when I was eight and spent the rest of her life (until I was 15) in and out of long term care facilities. My mother has told me about what she was like before that – and I’ve seen many photos – but I don’t really remember her other than in long term care facilities or surrounded by a series of homecare providers.

    I think that experience is probably what motivated me in high school to be a candy-striper at the hospital – so I again spent time with the elderly in care. And I’ve worked in and around social policy/health care for most of my professional career, so I’ve always maintained an interest.

    All that to say, I agree we need to do more to ensure the elderly spend their latter days living in a dignified setting, and spend their last days in as dignified a manner as possible. I appreciate the toll such jobs take on staff. I appreciate the toll care takes on family members. I anticipate being one of those family caregivers at some stage in my future. I hope to have the supports needed when the time comes. I hope if I am ever in the position to need care when I am elderly I have those around me to care for me. I don’t really want to imagine that I live in a society that doesn’t want to provide that care – so it become more an issue of making sure the tools/services are in place to encourage people to plan for that possible outcome, have public services in place to complement private plans, and support those left without support.March 18, 2014 – 10:59 pmReplyCancel

The word autism entered my heart as a whisper. It later entered my brain as a possibility. Later still, it entered my life. I worried, bought a book on autism, devoured it, and then felt like that must not be what my son has. He was nothing like the boy in the book.  “Maybe,” I […]

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by Kristi Campbell

Whatcha think, peeps?
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  • Emily - I think/hope (?) I helped a little with this when you asked me last night and I’m glad others were able to give you thoughtful answers too. I didn’t realize the post was for today! I love the list, love the writing, and of course can relate in every way.March 6, 2014 – 10:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - But of course you helped, Emily. You always do and you always have. I didn’t realize it’d be for today either so all’s well and good unless you want to add something, in which case I will so add it. I had a vision for this initially that just didn’t work, as the quotes with links well. But tell me if you want me to include something with a link ok?March 6, 2014 – 11:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Aww, Kristi, you said a mouthful here and truly just expressed all the things mothers of kids with autism wish we all knew. I cannot thank you enough for alway seeing so upfront about this and sharing over and over with us. I can’t say enough how much I adore you and your love for your little guy comes through loud and clear over and over. So, huge thank you for being just you and hugs, too!! 🙂March 6, 2014 – 10:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Janine, thank you for you. I appreciate you saying that you appreciate me putting myself out there, because sometimes, it feels really hard to do so. Hugs right back to you, my friend.March 8, 2014 – 12:51 amReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - I was really thinking the other day that I can’t wait to meet him when I come down for BlogU. And you, of course. But I really, really want to meet this extraordinary little boy.March 6, 2014 – 10:18 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think I’ll have Robert bring him up to BlogU on Sunday when we’re all getting ready to leave because I so want him to meet you – and you him – too. He really is amazing. I mean, well, they all are. Henry is. Still, a chance for you to meet him? Fucking awesome.March 8, 2014 – 12:53 amReplyCancel

  • Kathy at kissing the frog - Oh, I love this, Kristi. I really do. Every child is different, and to lump them in one group just because they have a certain diagnosis is just foolish and harmful. Thank you for putting this out there for other people to consider and understand. xoMarch 6, 2014 – 10:34 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So right Kathy that every child is different, and I still am hoping you’ll write for Our Land!!! Judging anybody on a diagnosis feels cruel and unfair. Thanks, you, for getting it.March 8, 2014 – 12:54 amReplyCancel

  • christine - I will admit that I used to be one of the gawkers. Not on purpose, but because I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to do anything wrong.
    I have to say, one of the best things that has come from blogging is getting to read all of the blogs of moms with special needs kids. I no longer stand back and watch. I have finally realized I was an idiot. Special needs kids are kids. Plain and simple. I know kids. I know how to talk to and work with and play with kids. As with any other child, I just need to follow the kid’s lead and all will be fine. So I do.
    Thank you for writing. Thank you for educating us. You (and all the other special needs moms who write) are doing good, helpful things.March 6, 2014 – 11:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - DUDE, you so rock. Yes, kids are kids are kids. And you know what? It’s not that bad to gawk. It’s bad to gawk and not say anything. I mean, ask, you know? Yes, you do know because you ask and TALK. And thank you so huge much for getting it and for trying to understand and well, for being awesome you.March 8, 2014 – 12:56 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah - Yes, YES! The denial and the acceptance. And the lessons learned. Thank you for publishing this list.March 6, 2014 – 11:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - So beautifully said, Kristi. My heart aches and cries and then rises in a certain mom-pride for all mothers everywhere- and for every single child- every one of them. They all- ALL are on purpose.

    And they ALL are loved.March 6, 2014 – 11:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Echo - Kristi, you nailed it again!

    I wish that people knew and realized these things.
    I wish that they saw my boy for who he is and not what he was diagnosed with.
    I wish that everyone could read you post!March 7, 2014 – 1:09 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I so wish that everybody saw both of our boys – for our boys. They are NOT their diagnosis. Thanks so much. Although I’m sad that you get wishing people SEE your son, too. May we do what we do to make the world less blind, yeah?March 8, 2014 – 12:59 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - I can not remember who posted it last week but it was about offering a quote – you and Beth were on there, I do remember that. My quote was, “Get educated before passing judgement”…or something close there. My feelings on that quote encompass every spectrum across our lives. And it included my very special new close friend, YOU Kristi. And Tucker. I continue to gain the most incredible education about autism and I’m grateful every day for what I learn. You amaze me as a mother and I love you to pieces for who you are as a person, and for the mother you are to that perfect little boy. That’s how I see him. For real. Just let him know I’m still starving for our guy’s night out with homemade mac n’ cheese! XOXO’S to you both always 🙂March 7, 2014 – 3:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh Mike, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have embraced Tucker as your little buddy and also as a perfect little boy. He really is, in all of the big ways. Sure, he scores zeros on tests that “measure” his age but fuck those tests, right?
      I loved your quote last week, too, by the way. So much and very happy to have you as a friend as well.
      Thanks so so so much for wanting to learn more about autism because of Tucker. He’s not every kid with it, but he’s here, and important, and brave. Thanks huge for your support.March 8, 2014 – 1:03 amReplyCancel

  • Tarana - Thanks for the list, it really needs to be shared. It’s important to remember, before we stare at another mom, that no one knows her child the way she does.March 7, 2014 – 8:50 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for getting it, friend. And yeah, nobody likes her kid to be stared at, no matter why!March 8, 2014 – 1:12 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Within my hospital baby group, two kids were diagnosed early with autism and with both, the mothers did have sinking suspicions but the rest of us didn’t know. And my friend made a post like this on FB once about what she wanted us all to know. It was beautiful. One main thing she said was that just because her son is so high functioning and we all rave about him does NOT mean he doesn’t have autism and that her time at home with him can be heartbreaking and frustrating. So basically she said that us telling her how wonderful he was didn’t help her. At all. I had no idea!
    That totally changed how I spoke to her. Her son is wonderful and beautiful and Scarlet loves to play with him. However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have autism.March 7, 2014 – 8:56 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow, Tamara that’s so true, I mean people tell me all the time how amazingly beautiful Tucker is – and they are right – this kid’s eyes will kill anybody with their depth and beauty, but also, sure, that doesn’t take into account that he has to Do the Things He Does, either. Thanks for getting it, sistahwife.March 8, 2014 – 1:14 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - My kids think the term “autism spectrum” is kind of strange, but this post proves why it exists. Autism isn’t just one thing, with one definition. To assume a child is a certain way because they have autism or any special need is to define him by a diagnosis. When you reach out to readers, you are debunking those assumptions and creating more empathy and understanding. Thank you for that Kristi, and thank you for sharing the thoughts of your PAC tribe.March 7, 2014 – 9:43 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think the term “autism spectrum” is strange too, but I’m so much more comfortable with it than just saying “autism” for whatever reason (I’m sure that’s about me, and not about Tucker). But maybe, you just nailed why – to assume anything about a kid because you know another kid? Well. Yeah.March 8, 2014 – 1:17 amReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - I learn so much when I read your posts. I admit sometimes when I see a child in public and it looks like they are pitching a fit and the mom does nothing, I shake my head a little and judge. I won’t do that anymore. Sure, maybe some of them are outright tantrums but I will no longer just assume that. Because of you and the voice that you have for all of these brave moms and their incredible children.
    Every single point on that list needs to be heard. I think the one that struck me the most is that all kids bring uniqueness. ALL of them!March 7, 2014 – 10:01 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - All kids DO bring uniqueness, Sandy, and I’m so with you on judging other people’s kids, and other people’s parenting methods. The thing is, though, we don’t know. We don’t know what else is going on – sometimes, maybe you SHOULD shake your head a little bit. God knows I do. But sometimes, like when Tucker refuses to wear a jacket, it’s not bad parenting. It’s respecting our kids. Thanks much for this.March 8, 2014 – 1:25 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah (est. 1975) - My 6yo son, who is not on the spectrum, is nonetheless a MASSIVE hand-flapper (like, MASSIVE) and has been ever since he was 3 months old. He sometimes gets weird looks and behind-the-hand comments when we are out and about. I just want to say to people: if you have questions (“Why is he doing that?”) just ask. It’s okay.

    I wonder if you feel the same?

    As an epileptic myself, I came to the conclusion long ago that I felt better when people with questions (or who were tempted to pass judgment based on very little information) just asked me, so that they could get edja-ma-cated and more informed. Sadly, people often don’t choose that route. What are your feelings about it?March 7, 2014 – 10:22 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I so completely feel the same, Sarah. I am more than happy to answer any questions about Tucker, his delays, autism, and also more than happy to say “I don’t know” but to start a dialogue about it. Kids are kids, and I just want people with typical ones to accept my son the way that they assume I’ll accept theirs.
      I’d definitely welcome a dialogue. And I thank you for asking, because that says a lot.March 8, 2014 – 1:30 amReplyCancel

  • Katia - Oh wow. What an incredibly important empathy checklist. Number 8-10 broke my heart a little bit. I don’t know why any parent wouldn’t extrapolate their own sense of love and acceptance of their child onto other kids. It breaks my heart that special needs moms would have to ASK for that acceptance. Not fair. Thank you for this list which really brings things home for me. Such an important observation on not assuming that all spectrum kids should be similar in a way. Why should they when non-spectrum kids aren’t. I loved #6 as well. We cannot dismiss their creativity just because it may manifest itself in a different way.March 7, 2014 – 10:34 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Katia, it breaks my heart that we have to ask for that acceptance, too, but it’s a reality. It’s like, parents bond with parents of non-special-needs kids, because they feel like “OH isn’t this cute?” And it IS cute. But what our kids are doing, much behind schedule maybe, is also adorable and worthy of embrace. Thanks so much for getting that part. It means so much to me that you do.March 8, 2014 – 1:33 amReplyCancel

  • karen - great post once again and so true. I think there needs to be a lot less judging from people, every child and family is different. if we all accepted and understood that life would be awesome.March 7, 2014 – 10:39 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - YES!!! Every child IS awesome and it’s the grown-ups who just need to realize it. Thanks, Karen.March 8, 2014 – 1:34 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh I love this…they live OUT LOUD. Perfect, my friend, simply perfect. I think #10 is my favorite. We have to accept that their kids are perfect, right?March 7, 2014 – 11:14 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - No doubt!! We are so expected to accept our friends’ kids!!! Why should we have to HOPE that they accept ours???March 8, 2014 – 1:35 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - “Please accept our kids the way that you assume we will accept yours.” That’s it right there.
    Thank you. I shall.March 7, 2014 – 11:24 amReplyCancel

  • nothingbythebook - Love. Simply love.March 7, 2014 – 11:26 amReplyCancel

  • Michele - Kristi – this list makes so much sense, and has given me a lot to think about. Thank you for posting.March 7, 2014 – 11:31 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for reading and commenting, Michele. I think it’s important for people to know that it’s okay to ask questions, and feel awkward, but that our kids are just kids.March 8, 2014 – 12:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - Thank you for putting this out there. For my part, someone who tries so hard to respond in a positive way- when I hear someone talking about a child who didn’t seem to be behaving properly or wearing at hat when it was below freezing and what are his parents thinking? I’ll speak up.March 7, 2014 – 12:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You rock, Jean. It’s such a small thing to remind people that not all kids will wear hats and it makes such a big difference to further understanding and to stop assumptions that bad parenting is involved. Thanks so much.March 8, 2014 – 12:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Great list Kristi, I continue to learn here as a bystander. I don’t gawk but I’m also probably very obvious in pretending not to see or hear.March 7, 2014 – 12:48 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yeah, I hear you on being obvious in pretending to not see or hear, as I think I’m obvious about it too. I usually just try to make sure to give the mom a smile if she seems stressed out – just so she knows I’m not annoyed, if that makes sense. It’s hard to know what to do sometimes though – like when a child is obviously physically deformed or something, I always feel like “does the mom want to chat? does she want me to be busy and not notice?” I don’t know. I guess we’ll all figure out what to do together.March 8, 2014 – 12:07 pmReplyCancel

  • jamie@southmainmuse - I hope some day at a blogging conference or something you meet @LeisaHammett. Her daughter Grace is a phenomenal artist and Leisa is a huge autism and art advocate. Love her. http://www.leisahammett.com/March 7, 2014 – 1:11 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Jamie. I haven’t heard of Leisa before – I’ll have to check her out. I appreciate you letting me know about her!March 8, 2014 – 12:10 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris at Hye Thyme Cafe - This seems like an odd thing to say, but it amazes me how often that people on the “lighter” side of whatever their issue may be have a tougher time of it in terms of services, etc. I grew up with someone developmentally disabled who isn’t “bad enough” to fit in with others similarly diagnosed, but not “good enough” to fit in with her “normal” peers. I know how alone and frustrated she feels trying to fit in and what a difficult time she has gone through trying to obtain services. Others with physical disabilities aren’t “bad enough” to participate in such and such, but still can’t play/join those without physical disabilities. They also seem to be judged more harshly because people don’t necessarily see what’s going on. I know someone else who is frequently assumed to be drunk. We joke about it, but I know how annoying it can be because she can’t do anything about it, and we don’t see her that way. It’s all very strange/frustrating. Wish there was a magic answer. 🙁March 7, 2014 – 1:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Chris, what an insightful comment and wow to your friend who people assume is drunk. That must be rough. I know what you mean about people on the lighter side of an issue seeming to not fit in anywhere and I think it’s a problem in a lot of ways – school placement being top of mind. We have not yet had a chance to look at the kindergarten options for next year yet, nor met to discuss them, but I’m already nervous about it. While of course, I’d like Tucker to be around typical developing kids his age in a classroom, I also never want him to feel dumb, less than, or different in a bad way, either. Thanks so much for your insight.March 8, 2014 – 12:12 pmReplyCancel

  • Brianne - Hi Kristi – Your PAC mom friend Joanna sent out a link to your blog on the POAC-NoVA mailing list last week, and I’m so glad she did. I’m a PAC mom too and didn’t realize there was a blog out there that hits so close to home, in more ways than one. Just wanted to say hello and thanks for putting yourself out there.

    I would add to your list: Kids with autism and special needs smile and can be happy! My daughter can be very bubbly, which often confuses people if they find out she has ASD, as if the two can’t exist in one person. They also usually have yet to witness her not-so-bubbly side 🙂March 7, 2014 – 1:51 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Brianne,
      Thanks so much for visiting and for the great addition to the list. You’re so right that they can be happy!! People have so many misconceptions. I’m still learning, too. When Tucker first started PAC, I was convinced he just had a language delay…sigh. I’m so glad that Joanna sent Finding Ninee out to the POAC list and that you found us here. Thanks again!!March 8, 2014 – 12:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Joanna - I love it! I read this post at least 10x. It’s awesome, powerful and true. Thanks for being there for so many people including me 🙂March 7, 2014 – 3:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia@ Menopausal Mother - #5 and #6– so perfect and powerful. Tucker is beautiful, Kristi.March 7, 2014 – 9:59 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Marcia! I agree that he’s beautiful 😉 and am sure I’m not biased at all!March 8, 2014 – 12:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Don - Our friends’ daughter never really “looked” autistic unless you really paid attention I think, so I was always on the defensive, probably even more than her parents, when we were in public and she started on one of her tangents or whatever. Special needs parents have to deal with the same things as parents of regular kids(is that the term to use, lol) plus the extra crap and sometimes, it’s not fair. These sorts of lists and posts about how you want others to treat your kids are important. A lot of people just don’t know, even though many of us want to know, if that makes sense. As always, Tucker is beautiful.March 7, 2014 – 10:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You rock for looking out for her Don! That’s awesome as are you. And yeah, we have to deal with the same stuff as all parents and some other worries as well, obviously. I love that you want to know, too. And happy happy birthday, DOAT.March 8, 2014 – 1:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Real Life Parenting - Oh, Kristi. Every time I read your stuff I want to be a better person. I want to make a positive mark in the world. I want to do and be more.

    Another post I love. <3March 7, 2014 – 11:19 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, RLP, you make my heart all happy and fluttery and stuff. You already are a better person, making way big positive marks in the world. And way big is totally grammatically correct. xoMarch 8, 2014 – 1:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Kat - I am very grateful every day that neither of my kids are special needs kids and have tremendous respect for parents who live with this. I can’t imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. I have learned over the years not to judge parents I see in public with children who are “acting out” because, if I don’t know them, then I can’t possibly know their situation. If I know that a child has autism, I always take my cues for interacting with them from their parents; after all, they know their child best.

    Thank you for posting this for those of us who are not in your shoes.March 8, 2014 – 9:42 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kat, thanks so much for the great comment. I love that you don’t judge parents when you see that their kids are acting out in public – you’re so right that we don’t know the situation. The kid might have sensory processing issues, and what are the parents to do? Never go anywhere? That’s not very realistic. Thanks for getting it!March 8, 2014 – 1:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Steck - Another beautiful post, Kristi. I’m so glad there’s more information out in the public eye than ever before. People are interested and learning, so all these tips make a difference. And…Tucker looks like he’s having a fabulous time in the snow. So, cute…March 8, 2014 – 10:50 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Jennifer! Tucker does love playing in the snow – it’s awesome to watch. Of course, he likes throwing snow in my face, but seeing his smile is almost worth that. Thanks for reminding me that people ARE interested in learning. xoMarch 8, 2014 – 1:37 pmReplyCancel

  • April - Your story reminded me of one when my friend thought her son had autism. I remember trying to reassure her that the time frames for child development were just guidelines. So I was right until I was wrong. I had to apologize for my ignorance to her. He is a blossoming little boy, who has autism. Thanks for sharing the story.March 8, 2014 – 7:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - April. WOW. Powerful. I was probably that mom. The thing is, we were all right, until we were wrong. Thank YOU.March 9, 2014 – 11:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Jean - what you said is right on target and perfect. It is nice to know you have a good handle on it and have accepted what it is OK to accept. When my kids were little NO ONE knew anything. One of my friends (you would search all over in all sorts of ways to find a parent with a child with autism) said…”It’s like we’re hacking through the jungle with no compass and just a machete”. I never forgot that. I never forgot any of the things we went through, individually and together. thanks, jeanMarch 8, 2014 – 8:46 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Jean, thank you so much for sharing – while it is better and different now, we still had a lot of struggle in trying to figure out (deny?) that what this is is autism. I love the quote about the jungle and likely will remember that forever as well. Thanks so much for sharing it!March 9, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

    • Jean Yates - Please do not misunderstand me. I would never ever tell you that what you have gone through and will go though is anything “less” that what we went though, just because we did it a generation ago.
      In fact, the way I see it, two machetes are better than one, and it is comforting to me to have met you.
      In fact, I have had your button on my sidebar for around a month because I like it so much! xox jeanMarch 10, 2014 – 6:49 amReplyCancel

      • Kristi Campbell - So sorry if I made it sound like we are going through “less.” That was not my intent at all, and if anything, I think it must have been MUCH harder before autism and special needs were a part of school’s awareness and curriculum. It’s still obviously a button for me but seriously, I feel so much for parents who dealt with issues like the one my son has before they were more understood.
        Love the Two machetes are better than one analogy and didn’t realize that you love somebody with a developmental delay as well, until you said so now. I’ve admired your beading skills and jewelry but really had no idea. I’d love to hear more, if you’d like to share. i also have an Our Land Series, if you want to check it out -I accept stories about personal struggles and finding empathy for them. Thank you so much for getting back to me.March 11, 2014 – 12:14 amReplyCancel

  • lizzy - muddle-headed mamma - What a brilliant list. It’s what I wished I’d read before I became a teacher. I have heard many conversations numbers 3 and 5. I think that’s an essential discussion to make everyone aware of – the spectrum is broad and individual children have individual needs.March 9, 2014 – 10:21 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think it’s an important conversation to have as well and hate that this stuff is not more federally mandated. They’re saying 1/50 kids now. Even if they’re wrong, and it’s still 1/88, or 1/120, it’s too many to not have programs for!!!March 9, 2014 – 11:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - Aw. Now I feel bad like I’m in denial about Tucker. I feel like I know him and that no, he doesn’t have autism. The doctors just don’t know what they’re talking about 🙂 I remember the post you shared about him going on a prom date sometime in the future and being “normal.” He is normal. 🙂 Is that bad that I look at him this way when I read your blog? I know autism doesn’t always look the same, but you and Tucker are like my next door neighbors that I visit regularly or something. Perhaps I look at him as normal because I never once did or thought any of these things about him that many people think when they see an autistic kid even after hearing so many stories about him. I know you experience things that moms with kids who aren’t autistic may not experience but so many things you share is the same as what I go through mostly in my life with my son and family. I still think Tucker will be fine 🙂 But I totally hear these moms. 🙂March 9, 2014 – 11:08 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw sweets don’t feel bad!!! I’m in denial about Tucker, too! 😀
      You do know him, and you don’t, too, because of course it’s much harder to write about the stuff that IS weird/quirky than the stuff that’s the same. I think that it’s important to write about the same though. Because, although he IS different (he really is), he’s also sooo much more the same than he’s different, ya know? Like he wants friends, loves his best buddy, wants to be tickled and cuddled, and tries to manipulate us. SO from your perspective, he is the same. I hope you will meet him one day (and that I can meet yours as well and can’t wait to see photos of the new baby – hurry up LOL.). DO NOT HURRY that was a joke. 😀
      I know so much of it’s the same. I get where you are. It’s also different, because Tucker is 4 1/2 and has a hard time with things that some 2 year olds don’t. His language comes hard to him. Too hard to be fair…but it’s coming, which is lucky, because some of his friends don’t really speak much at all. So we have that. And we’re blessed.March 9, 2014 – 11:46 pmReplyCancel

  • Ruchira - Just today I met a mom who volunteers her time at PACE. I got to know so much about this organization that it brought tears in my eyes and I am seriously thinking of giving my time to such an orgaization that is trying to bring so much to kids and their parents.

    Just reading your blog, makes me realize the pain Kristi. All I wanna do is hug you, my friend!

    hang in there, cause i definitely see light at the end of this tunnel.March 9, 2014 – 4:34 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow, really, Ruchira? That’s so wonderful that your friend volunteers!!! I love that!!! And please also know that any pain that parents like me feel is more than worth it – we don’t see our kids as anything but our kids most of the time. Sure, we notice their differences, but to us, they don’t seem like they should affect people wanting to know who they are because they are AMAZING and awesome, and also? Thank you 😀
      I see light now too.March 9, 2014 – 11:49 pmReplyCancel

      • Kristi Campbell - Also, not sure what PACE is, but I was talking about PAC which is = to preschool autism class. So if PACE is something big, I apologize for not knowing about what that means. Yikes sorry about that assumption.March 9, 2014 – 11:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Love it! I felt some of these same thing when I taught special needs preschoolers. I had one in particular who had behavioral issues and the other teachers – educational “professionals” -would seem so annoyed when he had a meltdown in the middle of the hall or during an assembly. Their looks said volumes even though they said nothing.March 9, 2014 – 10:10 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh Lisa. I hate that you know the look. Every kid deserves compassion and the fact that they were, instead, considered a pain in the butt? Well. Sad.March 9, 2014 – 11:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Sylvia - Thanks for sharing at FF! I hope you’ll come again!March 9, 2014 – 11:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Nina - Kristi… I love, love this. I love how you write, period. And thank you for sharing this. You invite us into your world with clarity and heart and I can’t help but admire you for being fair and patient with us parents who aren’t raising special needs kids.

    It’s so easy to assume or freak out or react, but in the end, all our kids are still kids. Kids who need us to be kind to them, not to give them awkward looks and stares.March 10, 2014 – 11:02 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Cheers to all kids just being kids! THAT, right there, is why I probably have this blog and I thank you for saying so and recognizing that. So much.March 10, 2014 – 11:37 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - This reminds me a lot of my Our Land.
    It’s all so true. Isaiah has bad days and great days. And few in between. And the truth is I never know what we’re going to get which leads to some nerve wracking days….
    This is a great post. I am sure it will help a lot of non-bloggers 😉 😉March 10, 2014 – 7:16 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, TTTx10 Jen. I guess we never know, and honestly? I really do hope it helps although I also feel like we didn’t say that much new, but also know it’s new to some parents, hopefully. I mean I hope, anyway…I know you get it…and thank you.March 10, 2014 – 11:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle - Every kid IS different…it’s crazy to lump everyone together. Thanks for sharing it…I’m going to pass it along too. I think it’s important for people to understand that autism is has a broad spectrum, and everyone has a different normal.March 10, 2014 – 10:39 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Michelle, you’re right that every kid is different, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope everybody can learn to accept our atypical kids the way they just assume we’ll accept theirs. I think that’s the take-away….March 10, 2014 – 11:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Crystal - What a wonderful post, Kristi! I’m going to share this with some parents I know who are struggling with autism and pushing their kiddo awfully hard. Reading these words might make a difference. 🙂March 11, 2014 – 8:34 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks so very much, Crystal! I know a family who is really struggling right now too and trying to push their son to do things that he’s really not ready for – it’s hard. Thanks again.March 28, 2014 – 9:59 amReplyCancel

  • Lady Lilith - Acceptance is the key. I work with special needs children and so many people feel sorry for them. I find if you accept any child or who they are, you can raise the bar and help them reach the next level.March 11, 2014 – 11:27 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yes yes yes to please don’t feel sorry for special needs kids! Acceptance is everything.March 28, 2014 – 10:00 amReplyCancel

  • Andie - Thanks for sharing this awareness. Great insights on this post.March 12, 2014 – 6:11 amReplyCancel

  • linda Atwell - Out One Ear - Oh Kristi: Yes Tucker looks perfect. He looks exactly like Lindsey did at that age. I could see some differences, but not enough and besides, she looked so frickin’ normal (typical). Some people said I had nothing to worry about. Other’s said her traits weren’t typical. It was a confusing time–especially since she was my first too. Then we had Michael who whizzed past his sisters milestones and surpassed her quick, but still, we thought she would catch up. Every story is different. Lindsey didn’t catch up and the gap widened and the older she got, she often had a untypical look about her that I’d never noticed when she was small. I think the gap just finally widened enough between her peers and herself that—oh, I finally had to admit that she really was what the doctors said. But that is a different story.

    I love the list. I love the first line: The word autism entered my heart as a whisper. I love the preface. Thanks for another awesome post.March 12, 2014 – 12:46 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks so much Linda. It really is a confusing place especially when different people have differing opinions of Tucker and that he may “catch up” or whatever.March 28, 2014 – 10:05 amReplyCancel

  • A Morning Grouch - Love this post – so, so good. I teach my students who are learning about autism the old adage, “You’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism”. Try to beat that in their brains – ALL of us are unique – individuals on the spectrum are no different.March 12, 2014 – 7:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Monika Sharma - Absolutely right, This post is really amazing & I appreciate such a wonderful & easily explanation. Which a mom must know ! Great Post.March 13, 2014 – 3:07 amReplyCancel

  • The Monko - What a great post. Many of the behaviours you listed when your son was young are things my son did too – including the head banging and running laps – so I get why you might be concerned and yet not convinced.
    I never know when a child is making funny noises or acting in a quirky way whether it is better to look or not look. Its really helpful to have some mum’s perspectives on what they’d like from me. I usually try a glance and a smile and hope that that conveys ” your child is sweet and while your child’s behaviour is interesting to me it is in no way bothering me so please don’t feel stressed by me”. Even if they don’t get that from it I hope the smile says “hey we are all parents together’.March 13, 2014 – 9:27 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think a glance and a smile meant to convey that the mom shouldn’t be stressed by you is perfect and yes, we’re all parents together – above all differing abilities! Thanks much!March 28, 2014 – 10:25 amReplyCancel

  • Courtney Conover - Wow, Kristi. Just…wow. Numbers 7, 8, and 9 made the levies break. I’m all-out bawling over here. I don’t have an autistic child, so I’m not even going to begin to say I know what parents of autistic children go through day in and day out. However. I do know that judgment — regardless of the reason — hurts like a bitch. The way Scotty has been perceived based solely on his language delay has brought out a level of frustration in me that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. People can be mean. Very mean. Even now, though he has made tremendous strides and we are not fighting the same fight, I am grateful for what his challenges have taught me — about him and other children.

    Beautiful post, Kristi. Thank You.March 13, 2014 – 11:21 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sorry Courtney to have made you cry. I hate that you, too, know the judgement and that people have been mean. 🙁
      It’s sad how judgmental people can be without knowing what they’re talking about – I hope that we can all get closer to a place in which each of us is more accepted for who we are and not for what we may struggle with. xoMarch 28, 2014 – 10:36 amReplyCancel

  • Tracie - The thing that sticks out to me from this list is how often possibly well-meaning people who do not have medical degrees, try to argue or disagree with the diagnosis you have received from an actual doctor. That is very frustrating.March 13, 2014 – 6:56 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I know what you mean, Tracie! People don’t know what to say or do. I honestly think that most people are well-meaning but at times can be hurtful and insensitive. Thanks so much for coming by!March 28, 2014 – 10:37 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - It’s been far too long since I’ve been over here, huh? Life’s been a bit nuts. How are you???
    I loved this…Our special needs kids are here, on purpose, and OutLoud. I’m always hesitant to jump in on a discussion like this because I fear someone will say I have no business, but I think special needs is as wide a swath as the autism spectrum – there are all different kinds. This line fits and I can’t tell you how great and how well timed this list and post are for me right now. As always, you have such wonderful insights here.
    I’ll be back for more – lots to catch up on!
    And Tucker, by the way, is gorgeous!March 22, 2014 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Hi Lisa!
      I’m doing well thanks. And no worries – I know you’ve got lots going on these days. Me, too, being as I’m seeing this comment six days later! Yikes! Also? You have my expressed permission and even encouragement to jump in any time because everybody has business when it comes to accepting people for who they are. All the time.
      Hope you’re having a great week!March 28, 2014 – 10:39 amReplyCancel

  • Lillian Connelly - You’re doing a good job on this whole mom thing. I think Tucker is lucky to have such a amazing advocate in his corner. I am sure you have inspired other mothers to speak out about this too.October 21, 2014 – 11:11 amReplyCancel

  • Roshni - This is so warm and wonderful to read this morning! I’m going to share it with someone who needs it right now! Thank you for bringing my attention to this link, Kristi!October 21, 2014 – 12:23 pmReplyCancel

  • Jana - I think, like most things, people fear the unknown. They feel awkward and uncomfortable because they don’t understand it — or are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. This post is great because it gives some valuable information — I learned a lot!October 21, 2014 – 11:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Crystal - This was exactly . . . Right and good and so much of my own heart.January 28, 2015 – 9:04 amReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Peluso - This was like reading about my 3 year old son, Michael. Even the pictures are similar. I am so grateful there are moms like you out there to bring a face to our very unique little guys and gals!February 26, 2015 – 3:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Ellie - Well said! As a future educator, this post really helped put in perspective a parent’s feelings towards other’s views of their child. I thought that number 6 on your list was especially important to remember-all children are capable of learning, as long as we find the right way to do it!November 28, 2015 – 8:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Erin Fullerton - As an occupational therapy (OT) graduate student my knowledge of OT grows with each assignment. At the same time the depth of my connection with the core principles of our practice reinforces who I want to be as an OT practitioner. The OT Code of Ethics outlines the seven core values as, “altruism, equality, freedom, justice, dignity, truth and prudence”. The appeal for justice is a call for advocacy. I want to be an advocate for families of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). I have read studies about the link between PTSD and parents of children with ASD. The Disability Scoop notes that their “chronic stress [is] comparable to combat soldiers”. I believe the family-centered and community-based practice in OT can be a source of support for parents. OTs trained in these practices recognize the impact of ASD on the whole family dynamic and communities, whether a local association or an online community of a blog, can be created to be an outlet for expression and encouragement. No parent should feel they are alone. So I was thrilled to come across your blog and I believe it is a significant resource. Thank you for sharing your family’s story and teaching me about the realities of life with ASD. I pledge to continue to follow your blog, and similar family blogs, to better prepare as an OT practitioner.December 14, 2015 – 3:34 pmReplyCancel

  Today’s Our Land author almost needs no introduction. For regular followers of this series, you know my deep-thinking, amazing, brilliant, and, at times, tormented friend Lizzi from Considerings. For those of you who do not know her, check her out, and read her previous Our Land contributions, here, and here. Lizzi not only Believes […]

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by Kristi Campbell

Whatcha think, peeps?
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  • Mike - There are so many wonderful people speaking out for a gazillion different causes and needs in our society around the world. The care for our elderly seems to be in the Sounds of Silence from my long life experience. I spent 7 years in these places between 3 grandparents and mom & dad. I’m 1000% familiar to every minute detail as to what goes on in there. And unfortunately I’m privy to what goes on that is far, far worse. But, it’s damn real, a damn crime (literally in the U.S.) and it hits very near and dear to my heart. And it should everyone on this planet…because we will all “be there” someday likely. Here’s to me hugging your socks off right now for writing this, Lizzi. Ok, now go put them back on 🙂 Xxxxooo’s!March 4, 2014 – 11:27 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh Mike, I’m so sorry you have such intimate knowledge of these awful places. Seven years! Wow. I couldn’t cope for longer than three weeks. I feel like a total wimp about it, but it was *awful*.
      But yes. Absolutely. We ALL need to sit up and stop marginalising our elderly, and make things BETTER for them – because we’re headed right for where they are now, and it’s not going to get any better unless we CHANGE THINGS.

      *HUGS*March 5, 2014 – 2:18 amReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Ugh… I am just grimacing through this entire post. It breaks my heart to pieces. And yet, what else to do? What are WE to do?

    It’s here too. And I simply don’t even know how to accept it or fight it. Oh the horror. Is this how we will be ending our life as well?

    I wonder. Oh God, I fear not.

    Anxious to read the next post… hurry up and get it out!March 5, 2014 – 12:08 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I wrote this in a thrall of horror, reliving what I’d seen and been party to. Over ten years on and it still affects me and leaves my heart chilly.

      I don’t know – I WISH I knew.

      If we’re lucky, by the time we’re old, the government will have decided that care homes cost too much, and will have introduced some kind of culling program for anyone who makes it five years post-retirement.

      (I say that in darkest jest, of course…though in some ways it might be preferable)

      The second half is written and waiting for next week…March 5, 2014 – 2:04 amReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - In my early twenties, I worked in a nursing home. I was in the office but still saw and heard enough to know I don’t want to be put in one. I think that job was what fueled the ever-growing fear I have of getting old. Kids go to school for eight weeks and then are paid nothing to take care of these fragile souls and they do it with no compassion. It is just a job. The nurses were bitter. The residents were like children, I was constantly chasing the more mobile ones out the front door. I rarely walked to the wing where the for all intents and purposes, as you describe, the people were already gone. My parents will never be in a home. I know its not easy to care for an elderly person at the end of their life but I will do it, with help, in my own home. And I will beg my children to do the same for me.

    You are back, love. You are sooooo back! XX

    Thanks for putting her up, Kristi!March 5, 2014 – 6:03 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I didn’t know that about you, Sandy. Even in an office capacity I can only imagine how tough it was to see and hear (and smell) the things which go on there.

      I don’t have a fear of older, and to balance this, I’ve seen some incredibly sprightly ancient people, who are simply wonderful and still living life to the max. But this ending. This haunts and terrifies me. In a way I feel glad that I’ll probably inherit Alzheimer’s and I’ll be *gone*…

      I’m so glad you’ve said you’ll care for your parents. I don’t know what I’ll do with mine. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

      YES! I’m BACK! And Part 2 is just as good 🙂

      THANK YOU for being such a wonderful cheerleader always *HUGS*March 5, 2014 – 12:10 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - This was one of the many reasons, I truly never had the desire to become a nurse or any kind of caregiver, because I think it would utterly tear my heart in two to see stuff like this day in and day out. I mean I saw my grandmother slowly drift away a few years ago and that was enough to make me hope and pray to god that I would never myself suffer to this degree at the end of my life. My father-in-law always said it best that he wants to die a quick, painless death, like his own father he leaned over in his own bed, kissed his wife and passed away shortly after that. He wasn’t sick beforehand and just went so quickly, but so peacefully, too. Definitely a shock to my husband and his family, but in the end he didn’t suffer thankfully and that has always left an impression on me (if that makes sense). Thanks Lizzi for sharing with us today and Kristi for giving her this opportunity.March 5, 2014 – 8:07 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Yeah, I completely and UTTERLY understand you. I think I’d struggle hugely. And I think just seeing people in pain, even though I was doing something to help them…I don’t think I could do that on a daily basis. I have SO, SO much respect for nurses and caregivers who do this kind of thing. I truly think it’s a vocation, and there are too many who do it as a job, and that’s where the problem arises.

      There’s a story on my dad’s side of the family about an elderly relative who got up one morning and knew that it was her day to die. So she cleaned her house, put her affairs in order, laid down on her bed, and died. That sounds good to me.

      I’m glad Kevin’s grandfather passed away peacefully. That’s such a blessing.March 5, 2014 – 12:34 pmReplyCancel

  • elizabeth - Lizzi, you’ve worded this so well. I’ve been witness to this horrifying senior citizen system for the past years as my grandmother was moved from nursing home to hospital and back again. It’s sad and eye-opening. There’s a sense of guilt for having these places even existent. But you’ve said it perfectly. It’s a place to stick people while they wait to die. And I guess the younger generation would rather not have to deal with that under their own roofs. It’s a sad, selfish system that we’ve conveniently created.March 5, 2014 – 8:44 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - We’ve swiftly turned, without stopping to question it, into a world where finance governs all, and our respect for our elders is measured in how much it will cost us in terms of money and time.

      You’re absolutely right about the sense of guilt, and yet they’re so necessary, these places – for who else will take them?

      And this is why our society sucks. And why we need to *somehow* start changing it for the better.

      So sorry you saw all this first-hand with your grandmother 🙁March 5, 2014 – 12:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I despise going into hospitals and nursing homes. There is just an aura of sadness and sickness and helplessness that seeps into my soul and makes me so uncomfortable. I think it is one of those things that, for me, it too easy to turn away from because it doesn’t affect me directly -right now, at least. That’s not the right attitude, though, and that doesn’t fix anything. Looking forward to Part II~March 5, 2014 – 8:52 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I know exactly what you mean, both about the feeling of hopelessness and despair about those places, and about shoving it to the back of the mind because it’s not your immediate world.

      I know that worse things happen, but this is probably one of the chronic issues of our society – it goes on and on and on and gets gradually and imperceptibly worse until one day, it breaks.

      Glad you’re looking forward to part 2 – I like it as much as I like this one (writing- and meaningfulness-wise)March 5, 2014 – 12:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate - This breaks my heart. I actually volunteered at my local hospital’s transitional care unit back when I was in high school. I was a bingo caller 🙂 Luckily, these folks were in the hospital setting and being taken care of by the staff there instead of a typical nursing home.March 5, 2014 – 9:22 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I bet you were a BRILLIANT bingo caller, Kate 🙂 I expect you brought some sunshine and happiness to their lives, and that’s SO what’s needed. You have such a gorgeous, caring heart. GOOD FOR YOU 😀

      You’re a better person than I am – I took the job from desperation, not desire.

      I’m glad the people you saw were all receiving proper care 🙂March 5, 2014 – 12:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I am really interested in reading your Part 2…my mother was a Director of Nursing for several different NY area nursing homes for many years. She specialized and wrote several books about caring for the elderly so this is a subject that hits close to home. I recently volunteered in a nursing home with my dog – we are a pet therapy team and would go and visit the residents once a week. I stopped going after a year because I became depressed seeing these people, but I told everyone I thought my dog needed a change. Anyway, I have mixed feelings about nursing homes. I think they are a necessity, but I also know via my mom, that there are HUGE differences in how these places are run and how well they care for their residents. Great writing as always, by the way!March 5, 2014 – 9:32 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - That’s good to hear, Emily – thank you 🙂

      It sounds as though your mother was at least trying her best to do well by the elderly in NY. Good for her! It’s such an under-loved subject; I assume because we’ve developed a culture where people are valued by youth, beauty and economic status/contribution rather than for their wisdom, their experiences or their longevity.

      Thanks for sharing your experiences as a pet-therapist. I’m impressed with you for sticking it out as long as a year. And I know what you mean – there’s a nagging guilt because as long as we, too, leave them to their fates, nothing changes…

      But yes. There are INCREDIBLY well-run care homes. I just don’t think they’re the norm.March 5, 2014 – 12:46 pmReplyCancel

  • Piper George - It is horrifying how we churn the elderly into homes. Unfortunately in many cases there isn’t a choice – people cannot afford to stay home from work to care for them or to employ a home carer. The idea of being elderly and unable to wipe myself is frankly terrifying.March 5, 2014 – 9:44 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Yeah. This. WHY can’t we afford to stay home?

      I feel so, SO strongly that somewhere in here, is a consumer-driven answer.

      There are cultures where it would be standard to sell possessions in order to take care of venerated elders. To go without in order that they might be cared for by family.

      Not ours.

      Ours is to hide them.

      And yes. That idea terrifies me, too. It all terrifies me. But given the way Cameron’s going, we’ll just be working til we drop dead, at this rate.March 5, 2014 – 12:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Anita@ Losing Austin - Leaves me chilled despite the hot coffee I sip- I felt right there with you. Can’t wait to read part 2.March 5, 2014 – 9:52 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Anita, I experienced this over TEN years ago. It remains like a cold stone in my heart…

      Part 2 is good. It ends on a better note (thank goodness).March 5, 2014 – 12:55 pmReplyCancel

  • K - Lizzi, this gave me chills and left me with a pit in my stomach…so powerfully written, and such an important topic. I don’t have the experience of working in a nursing home, but my great-grandmother was in one when I was around 13 years old and the visits were heartbreaking. I used to try to talk to some of the residents there and there was such sadness in their eyes…sometimes I’d massage their shoulders and when I had to leave, they’d beg for me to stay and they’d try to follow me out. And there was another time when I went to go visit my great-grandmother and when I walked into her room, there was a stranger lying in her bed, a middle-aged man, one of the workers — he decided to take a nap and didn’t think anyone would notice, and my great-grandmother wasn’t in a position to say anything. Heartbreaking. I still get shivers when I think about that.

    Ahh I guess I’m rambling now, but I just want to say thank you for writing this, Lizzi. This is so, so important. xoMarch 5, 2014 – 11:19 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - You sweet, sweet thing to go and care – actually, properly CARE – for those old people, and to give them that warm human contact they probably missed so much amongst all the clinical dealings.

      Oh it breaks my heart. And yet not in a way that I could go back…

      I hate the system and the mindset and the society which creates these places.

      The experience your grandmother had sounds APPALLING! What was he THINKING? That’s absolutely outrageous, and I hope he was fired! Good GRIEF!

      Ramble at me, or near me, WHENEVER you want. I love your ramblings.

      Hope you’re well, m’dear 🙂March 5, 2014 – 1:12 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - So, so, so difficult to read and accept. I am very well familiar with what you describe. I have almost daily conversations with my mom about the unfairness of the aging process, the utter loss of dignity and identity and the unfairness of witnessing it happen to a loved one and knowing that we’re all headed there as well. I love the sober realism with which you’ve approached this piece. I think this is the treatment the subject deserves. Old age is often painful and humiliating and you did it justice here. As for your nation, I dare not criticize as an outsider, but wanted to presented a different angle. My mom who cares for my grandma, as you know, and lives deep inside the type of reality you describe here, often says that one of her biggest hopes is that she doesn’t put me through this, meaning that I won’t have to care for her the way she cares for her mom, since she views that as something humiliating and degrading for her mother. She often says that she wishes to be “put away” somewhere where it’s not the members of her immediate family who get to change her diapers and scrub shit off her but rather someone impartial. I ask myself if she is going to feel the same way at her old age, or whether she’ll feel betrayed if I follow her request. I can’t answer that question.

    Very thought and emotion provoking post. One of your most powerful ones.March 5, 2014 – 11:28 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh Katia. You know how much this means, your comment and your opinion, and that when I read your piece about your Babooshka, it broke my heart. I already had this written, and I knew it would speak to you, too.

      Is there a right answer? I don’t know. I can understand (in a way) wanting not to burden your own children, and wanting to protect them from the more visceral and humiliating parts of the decay of old age. But at the same time, doesn’t that just speak volumes to our worldview – that instead of seeing this kind of care as a privilege – to be able to repay some of the care received at the beginning of one’s life, and to look after with LOVE, those older people as they begin to leave this world, we would rather the whole transaction be handled by strangers.

      Oh it’s all awful 🙁

      And that’s one heck of a potential double-bluff to have to field! I hope the answers become apparent to you as time goes by!

      Thank you for your feedback and your thoughts, Katia. They mean a lot to me.March 5, 2014 – 1:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - My grandmother-in-law is in a nursing home right now, and it’s not going well. The standard of care is just not up to par, and it’s tearing my mother-in-law apart. I know there are good people who work in these homes, but it is so sad to see these residents so lonely. My daughter wants to volunteer in one this summer, and I worry about how it will affect her. But it’s an important job. Looking forward to reading part 2, Lizzi.March 5, 2014 – 11:57 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh Dana I’m so sorry to hear that 🙁

      The good people who work in these homes seem so often to be diminished in the extent of their capabilities by policy and timing and staffing and finance.

      I hope there’s a solution for your family *sigh*

      I think if your daughter volunteered, it would be a good thing. Yes it would open her eyes to some (probably) truly awful realities, but better to do that while you’re around to field the fall-out and be able to ‘Mummy’ her a bit.

      She’s the future, Dana. She can’t change anything if she doesn’t know it’s a problem…March 5, 2014 – 1:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Mandi - And then I sit at my computer and read a story that crashes straight into my soul. And I think…in a few years, this could be my mom…and I cry because it’s a decision that we’ve walked around, but none of us wants to make it because we *think* we can care for her, but we don’t have the hoisters or the wheel chairs or the other necessary items that one day she will probably but hopefully never need as her dementia continues to chew on her brain until she is left like your patient, blank. And I want to scream, “NO NO NO!” Please, God, NO!!!March 5, 2014 – 12:14 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Sending you HUGE wrap-around hugs, Mandi. That’s such a tough reality to face, and it breaks my heart that you have to, and that you’re witnessing the slow loss of your mom. I’d offer wishes or prayers that you don’t have to see this, but my prayers too often turn out to be monkey-paw ones, so it’s safer not to. But I hate that you face this.

      And it’s true – those pieces of equipment are too much for individuals, and so the idea of a care home seems like a good one…and then…and then…

      I hope for you, that if it comes to that, you find a really, really AMAZING one. They do exist. I promise.

      Watch Quartet. It’s a movie about a care home for retired musicians and singers. It’s SO uplifting. I think you’d enjoy it.March 5, 2014 – 2:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I’ll be tuning in, no matter how heartsick it makes me.
    My grandmother had to go to a facility this year and we never thought that would happen, or that we’d allow it. She’s 100 and my grandfather had passed and my mom’s house has too many floors and horses. My uncle has Parkinson’s so he’s not much help.
    I get very weird about visiting my grandmother. My mom will do it daily but I live far away and can’t do it as often. I have had anxiety attacks in those corridors.
    Working there? I cannot imagine. I’m not made of the right stuff.March 5, 2014 – 1:50 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Oh Tamara I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s awful when there just aren’t the resources and facilities (human/equipment/whatever) to support our loved ones without these places.

      I don’t blame you for being weird about it. I don’t visit mine. Not that she knows who I am any more (I don’t think). But my Grandad, him I should visit. It’s shameful of me that I haven’t been for ages. He’s at home and… just the loneliness that I can never fix by myself…and so I retreat, chicken out and do nothing.

      Honestly, I hope no-one thinks I’m trying to preach with this cos I have no leg to stand on. Ever.

      I hope your grandmother gets GOOD care. And I’m glad your mom visits her daily. That’s something. A big something. So many of the people I worked with (in my three weeks) had few or no visits at all.March 5, 2014 – 4:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Beth Teliho - I’m utterly…..I don’t even know the right word. Deeply impacted by your words. There, that sums it up. So tragic and downright terrifying. I don’t think I’ll ever get the image of that poor women shitting on the floor with nothing but blank behind her eyes out of my head. The nursing home situation is no better here in the states, unless you have some serious cash that it. And I mean BIG money. It’s the kind of ugly you hate to look it, hate to admit is there. But it is. And that could be us someday. Really, really scary.March 5, 2014 – 2:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Me neither. That one is burned into my mind. For. Ever. It’s one of those shuddery awful ones, like seeing too-many-corpses being bulldozed into mass graves in old black-and-white photographs. Like Youtube videos where unexpectedly, someone dies.

      In the blank eyes of that shitting woman were all the things which are wrong with this broken, fucked up world of ours. And I saw them there.

      Big money is terrifying. It costs here, to get anything more than state care. Spend all your money kids, because you’ll be using your inheritance on care, and at least if the care is terrible, you might die sooner on someone else’s dollar.

      It’s all so horrible. Big. HUGE. Ugly.

      And yes. It could be us. There’s always that terror.March 5, 2014 – 4:25 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa D.B. Taylor - So hard to read, harder still to have experienced this first hand and know how horribly true it is.
    Powerful writing!March 5, 2014 – 3:41 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Ack! From the trenches then, are you? Hate that you recognise the truth in this.

      But thanks.March 5, 2014 – 4:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Tarana - I think we fear old age and death, so we hide it behind such institutions. Your description of that old lady really shook me – she had reached a point where she actually hid her human spirit.March 5, 2014 – 4:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - She had. I think because it was so ignored and overlooked by others. Or she just couldn’t bear, in that situation, to BE human. Because it was so terrible.

      Yes. This is what we fear – not death, but the process of dying.March 5, 2014 – 4:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - So who’s cliffhangering now Lizz1!?

    This is so, so sad. I am so glad my dad didn’t have to go through anything like this. My 93 year old aunt still lives at home, but needs help to have a bath now. When she’s been very private all her life, I think even that must be hard. But I think she enjoys the attention (she’s like that!) It’s not like the indignity you describe though.
    I seem to write stories about old people quite often, probably because of having elderly relatives, and seeing the stuff they go through, even if they are lucky enough to still be at home. One of my grandmothers had dementia and spent her last few years in a home, but by then she had no idea who any of us were and I think my parents made the right decision. It was hard on my mum though.
    And I think sometimes there is hope – as far as I know, in Shetland (where I’m from) the care homes really are good. Some old folk love being there – my mum’s cousin went in after he’d had a fall and wanted to stay. They have birthday parties where others in the community can come along, and my aunt attends some days for craft classes and things like that. My niece works in one of the homes, and really enjoys it.
    Great post!March 5, 2014 – 4:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Aw now that’s gorgeous. I’m really glad that the homes in Shetland are so good 🙂 THOSE are the ones we need more of – where there’s community and celebration and FUN.

      Your aunt sounds like she’s still having fun with life, too, soaking up the attention. So GOOD!

      I don’t write about this kind of thing much. It makes me all shivery bad inside.

      And yeah, I can cliffhanger with the best of them, Yvonne…March 5, 2014 – 8:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Steck - This is a tragedy, Lizzi. I know things have improved in some areas but not all. We will all grow older someday barring unforeseen circumstances. I know I don’t want to be treated like that and I wouldn’t want it to happen to any of my family members or friends, either. It shouldn’t happen to anyone. Thank you for bringing this horrific experience to light. I had no idea…March 5, 2014 – 8:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - It’s tragic, but it feels bigger than a ‘tragedy’ (well, maybe a Greek one) – it’s a canker. It’s entrenched in our society and it’s just horrific.

      I wish I knew how we could all make it stop!March 6, 2014 – 1:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Dyanne @ I Want Backsies - While some places are nicer than others, largely having to do with the ability to pay privately instead of relying on Medicare, they are all places people are sent to wait to die. They know it. You know it when you put them there. The days when the extended family cared for the elders in the home are gone, a casualty of an economy that requires most people have to work outside the home to afford to live. Our elderly deserve to be treated with so much more dignity at this time in their lives, even when they’re “gone.”March 5, 2014 – 10:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I hate that. I know no-one agrees that there ever was a ‘golden era’, but I think that in terms of relationship and sheer CARE for one another, there may well have been. And this is the pig-iron age, in those terms.

      Blech. Yes. They absolutely DO deserve to be treated with more dignity.March 6, 2014 – 6:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Oh Lizzi: I wish I could say that nursing facilities aren’t like that here, but I know some are. And it makes me so sad. I’ve worked with the elderly in various capacities (and enjoyed it), but not like you did. I can’t wait to read the Part II!March 5, 2014 – 11:03 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Part two is a little more forgiving, thank goodness. But there’s still that haunting feeling – these places are OUT THERE. That they exist is awful.March 6, 2014 – 6:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - Aging and death is something that we all just want to pretend we can hide behind a closed door. It’s all neat and tidy at arms length. Your piece confronts the harsh reality that we all want to look away from. Very important.March 5, 2014 – 11:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Thanks Rachel. It’s a situation which definitely needs more sunshine on it!March 6, 2014 – 6:39 pmReplyCancel

  • zoe - I worked for years and facilities like this one. it was the hardest job I’ve ever done and you’re the one that took the least training and education because like you said we can find our elderly teenagers and well meaning foreigners.my dad spent his last 6 months in a nursing home and I think the the only thing that even made it livable for him was the fact that family came every single day most of the day. But I know it was a heart breaks for him and for us. Despite trying to take him home services just aren’t enough for people to be able to care for their own at home. Something needs to change about that but I just I’m not sure how that’s to happen.March 6, 2014 – 6:51 amReplyCancel

    • Considerer - You have my respect for having been able to stick at it for years. It’s an atrocious situation.

      I’m glad you and your family were able to support your dad in his time in a home. And no, there aren’t the facilities outside, so what do we do? It’s impossible. But needs thinking on.
      And, by the way, I know it drives you nuts, but I do love your dictator autocorrect…March 6, 2014 – 6:42 pmReplyCancel

  • zoe - Its supposed to say….YET the one that took the least training…dictator auto correct. …argh.March 6, 2014 – 6:53 amReplyCancel

  • zoe - Ugh….consign our elderly…..March 6, 2014 – 6:55 amReplyCancel

  • jamie@southmainmuse - Wow Lizzi. So powerful and sad. The few times I’ve been in a nursing home, it is that smell. Some of the better ones not so much. But we went once with a group singing Christmas carols and I remember being knocked out by the urine smell coming from a bin of dirty sheets in the hallway. So very sad.March 6, 2014 – 2:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Ohhhh the SMELL! It clings and cloys and does NOT LEAVE. It coats the inside of your nostrils and the top of your tongue and you go away feeling as though every pore is reeking of it.

      Hate. It. YUK!

      And yet we let our elderly LIVE IN IT! Bigger yuk 🙁March 6, 2014 – 6:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Wow I can’t wait to read part two. I hate to think that a decision has been made that family puts family in a home because they don’t want to take care of them rather that they can’t take care of them anymore. My great grandmother was in a home for a long time. She stayed with her youngest son as long as he could take care of her. Her other children had passed away. He lived in a home where the only bathroom was on the top floor. She used to come down for the day and there would be a portable potty for her to use. But then it was getting hard to get her back upstairs for the day. I wish the facilities we better where people who had the jobs wanted to do what they were doing are compensated so that that it was at least more enjoyable. I have entertained the thought of going with a group of people from my church to visit the elderly but considering how I grimaced through this post, I am not sure I’d be able to get passed the smell or coming home with the smell still on me.March 6, 2014 – 3:50 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I know exactly what you mean. My church does things with local care homes and elderly groups, and I just shy away from all of it. I could be the freakin’ figurehead of the ‘keep the elderly at arms length’ movement, to consider my actions. BLECH!

      I think that’s an important distinction – to put a family member in one of these places because you CAN no longer care adequately for them, rather than because you DO NOT care enough.

      Thanks for that 🙂March 6, 2014 – 6:47 pmReplyCancel

  • anonymous - I truly am not saying this to be disrespectful of you Kristi or Lizzi but I am confused because I do not understand what this had to do with the our land philosophy. Can you please explain it? I’m sad I rely on this series for inspiration and am now only sickened by ole people poo and their families not taking them. Is that supposed to be what it is? the Families should take them?March 6, 2014 – 8:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - It’s a two-part post. It’ll make sense…March 7, 2014 – 4:21 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - And no. It’s not supposed to be about ‘families should take them’ because I realise that’s an impossible ask. You might not be keen on my writing, but I’m not daft. Many families just don’t have the equipment or the resources or the space or the…anything else, to manage to take adequate care of their elderly family members.

      I hope that you find part two to be more inspirational. And thank you for expressing your dislike of this in a respectful manner.March 7, 2014 – 4:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Joanna - I have to say I agree with anonymous, I do not see how this post is related to Our Land of empathy and wonder. It struck me as judgmental and preachy. I understand that there is a Part 2 and maybe there will be more empathy. But, this was a disappointing read for me.March 6, 2014 – 10:23 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - I’m glad you have such confidence in Kristi for organising a post for a series she created. A series based in sound principles and the desire to improve the world.

      Wait for part two. If you care to come back.

      And it is utterly beyond me to figure what on earth part of this you find “preachy”, seeing as I have expounded precisely NO methods for fixing the problem or suggesting that others should make it better.

      YET. That’s in part two. By all means come back and judge me then.March 7, 2014 – 4:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Joy Christi - Oh WHEN is Part 2 coming? I’m on the edge of my seat! There is a special comfy seat on the Karma Bus for the earthen angels who care for the sick, the elderly, the needy. This is a real-life superhero. The work is hard, the work is needed, it’s all a circle of life and this is the hardest part of the circle. Waiting for Part 2….March 8, 2014 – 5:26 pmReplyCancel

    • Considerer - Joy, my lovely, part two is TOMORROW!

      And yes. Absolutely cannot agree MORE about your take of people who do this job and do it well. You ‘get’ this. Totally.March 11, 2014 – 8:07 pmReplyCancel

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