Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Please don’t tell me that my child will catch up

Please don’t tell me that my child will catch up.  

He won’t catch up. He will make incredible strides, and will work hard, as will his friend who is only now taking tentative steps using a walker. She’s six. These kids of ours will work to accomplish goals that include eating, making eye contact and communicating. Sometimes communication happens though words. Sometimes, those words need a different way out – through a Talker or via flash cards.  Our children don’t always know how to play and often need to be taught.  Of course we have faith that they will learn to play, and that faith carries us through some dark moments. Our children will continue to surprise us with new abilities and progress and we will be extremely proud. Grateful. We will rejoice and dance and throw parties in honor of newly learned skills. Rejoice with us. But, please, don’t tell us that they’ll catch up.

Telling a special needs parent that her child will catch up implies that we’re doing something wrong. That if only we and our kid’s therapists were able to stumble on the perfect blend of education and therapy and effort, if we just tried a little bit harder, that our kids would be normal.  They’re already normal.  Normal is the fact that every single snowflake is different. Normal is that so are we. Being different IS normal. And sometimes, normal means never catching up.

Can Max or Kerry catch up if they work out more often?
Can the man who lost his leg grow it back if he rubs the skin a certain way?
Can somebody who was born with Down Syndrome pluck out the extra chromosome?
Will Boo, or Sunny, or Tucker catch up?  

No, not completely. But each will learn important coping skills so that they will be able to navigate their surroundings and fit in – as best they can – with the rest of us. They will work, struggle even, to accomplish what many of us take for granted on a regular basis and they will laugh and cry and mourn and hope.

They will be their own normal.

Our children will work hard. They will develop. They will amaze us with their tenacity, their hope, and the sheer joy that we see in their eyes. They will amaze us, but they will probably not catch up.

And that’s okay.

We’ve come to terms with it, mostly.  So rather than focusing on trying to make us feel better with encouraging words that our kids will catch up, instead, please focus on accepting them and creating Our Land for them, so that every single one of them, and us, will be embraced for the abilities and the uniqueness that make us who we are. Our uniqueness is what make us beautiful and important.

We are all our own version of normal. All of us.

—

Friends, today, I’m excited and honored to be featured at the amazing Ellen’s Love That Max “This is How I Do It” series.  Ellen was kind enough to allow me to contribute.  If you’re not familiar with Ellen and Max (and Sabrina and Dave), check them out. They’re pretty awesome. Oh and if you’re going to BlogHer (I’m not *weep*), and you see her (she’s speaking and has been chosen as one of the Voices of the Year), please tell her hello and congratulations from me.

 


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Joy - Yes, yes and yes! Truer words were never spoken!July 24, 2013 – 10:23 amReplyCancel

  • Blair Francis - Amen!July 24, 2013 – 10:33 amReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Beautiful. And, dare I say, true of everyone in a way? Our differences make the world go ’round.July 24, 2013 – 10:36 amReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Said beautifully and perfectly. Thank you for sharing this here and seriously I don’t think any of us could have said it better!!July 24, 2013 – 10:38 amReplyCancel

  • Ariana - Very touching, and very true. People don’t know how to react to different. What they see is hardship, and a situation they hope to never experience, so they fumble for words until they find something they hope works. I’ve been guilty, I’m sure. Thank you for the reminder.July 24, 2013 – 10:40 amReplyCancel

  • Diane - My Mom always said there have to be many different flowers in the garden to make it truly beautiful. And our world and our flowers ARE beautiful!July 24, 2013 – 11:19 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - Oh I remember hearing those words way back when and how I hated when people said that to me…I always took offense to it because my feeling was, what the heck did they know? Were they a developmental specialist? Did they even know what they were talking about? No, they didn’t. And again, most recently in these past few harrowing weeks, I am receiving comments like that again. Comments such as, “good thing they caught it early.” (How did this idiot woman know they caught it early? I never told her any details, but she just went ahead and assumed that, because she didn’t know what to say and was trying to make me feel better. Turns out, it didn’t spread, but still….) And we receive the all-encompassing “he will be fine.” I get it – people are trying to reassure us, and in my heart, I do believe that, but to hear it from someone who does not know ANYTHING about what we are dealing with, well, it just comes across as so condescending and annoying. So, my dear, I could not resist commenting today, because I so get this and I so get you too. 🙂July 24, 2013 – 12:35 pmReplyCancel

  • K - Love, love, love this. Just when I think I can’t possibly love your blog any more than I already do, somehow it happens…This is beautiful. I’m at a loss for words, so I’ll just leave it at that. Beautiful.

    Thank you.July 24, 2013 – 1:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Sylvia - I love how everyone always knows our kids better than we do. Why they feel they need to blame the disability on something we are not doing is beyond my comprehension. In our case, I don’t speak or think positive healing thoughts and prayers enough. I’m cursing my daughter with her disability apparently. Anyway, great post and I’ll check out your post at Ellen’s! Maybe I’ll even get a FTSF post done this week!July 24, 2013 – 2:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Shay - You are SO right! That annoys me to no end when people compare kids and what they’re each doing at the same age. They are their own people! Lay OFF, peeps!! I love the way you put it into words. As I said when I commented on your guest post: YOU ROCK!July 24, 2013 – 3:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Anita @ Losing Austin - I love our land. Everyone should move here with us.July 24, 2013 – 5:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Well said as always, Kristi. Catching up implies less than and greater than – and that doesn’t happen in Our Land.July 24, 2013 – 5:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle - Well said! People really need to think before they speak! Sometimes I think people just say things because they feel like they need to, although they have no idea what they are talking about.July 24, 2013 – 6:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - When people say stuff like that, it makes you wonder if they are saying it for you or if they need to make themselves feel better. I love the honesty in this post. I think it’s really important for people to hear. Although…I do have to say that as a special educator, I have seen kids do things that no one thought was possible. I know that’s a different thing, and I don’t want to diminish what you are saying, but I’ve also seen the opposite occur: where people have NO expectations for kids and just write off their abilities. That makes me incredibly sad.July 24, 2013 – 7:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Lizza - You are so right my friend…we are all our own version of normal. All of us! Truer words could not be spoken. Celebrate the strides, the accomplishments big and small and love your normal.July 24, 2013 – 8:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Tatum - First, Congrats on being featured on Love that Max!

    Second, I love this post. In the preemie world, we hear it all the time – I guess I didn’t know it extended into other areas too – “They say these kids catch up”. Who is this damn “they”? Cause “they” don’t know shit. Instead of saying what I want to say, I typically nicely (or as nicely as I can) correct people with, “he’s probably going to have his own version of catch up”.

    Thanks, Kristi, for sharing, thanks for educating, thanks for advocating and thanks for letting people know that wherever our kids end up on the spectrum of catching up, it’s okay.July 24, 2013 – 8:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Rich Rumple - To face the reality of the battle ahead is the first step in winning the war. What is normal? Is killing each other over a piece of paper normal? Is stealing from the less fortunate and naive normal? Is using others, without acknowledgement or payment, to advance ones own aspirations normal? Unfortunately, it is. Sometimes, one has to wonder if the children with their so-called affliction may not be the normal creatures of God’s Earth, and we, in turn, are the monsters that walk the land. Well done, Kristi, very well done!July 25, 2013 – 12:19 amReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - Kristi you have put into words something that I have never been able to for almost 14 years. This frustration at being told your child will “catch up” is how I felt ever since our second daughter was born 3 months early, and it feels such a relief to see it voiced. What amazed me most is that people even seemed to think she would “catch up” with physical milestones – as if a baby born so premature should be able to sit up at six months when her body is still that of a 3 month old baby!

    That said, in spite of the dire warnings from doctors of what to expect, our daughter does not have special needs. Some people would probably even say she has “caught up.” I used to feel guilty for taking into account that she was born so premature and your post has just helped me to see that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Thank you!

    Your last line is so, so true: we are all our own version of normal.

    BTW, I get a email every day with a Peace Quote, and thought you’d like the one I’ve just received.

    “We live our deepest Soul’s desire not by intending to change who we are but by intending to be who we are.”
    – Oriah Mountain DreamerJuly 25, 2013 – 6:35 amReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth @ Rocks, No Salt Mommy - Once again, a beautiful post that touches my heart. You are a brave mother who is so honest about your ups and downs with your son. I admire you and always look forward to your posts.July 25, 2013 – 12:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - That brought tears to my eyes. I will keep this short, as I am typing while flying on an airplane. Yikes. I’m glad this brought my friend Laurie to your site. This was one of my favorites of yours- you articulated this so beautifully. And I will try to stalk and congratulate her for you at the conference… 🙂July 25, 2013 – 7:53 pmReplyCancel

  • just JENNIFER - “People mean well….” is what I am constantly telling myself whenever comments such as that come at me. It’s not my child, rather something about my husband’s health. But the bottom line is, he’s already doing the best he can with what he has. Anyway, I completely get what you’re saying, even if it’s in a different way.July 25, 2013 – 8:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie - I’ve noticed that as my daughter’s younger peers and cousin have passed her developmentally, I am beginning to see that we will have our own (prsonalized) idea of “caught up”. Because right now, even though she’s five, everything about her says she’s three. She may never ever catch up and I will continue to watch kids younger and younger pass her. She just has her own set of standards.July 26, 2013 – 9:01 amReplyCancel

  • karen - Loved THIS!!!!
    As a mom and special education teacher, I hear this all the time and love your explanation….BRAVO.July 26, 2013 – 11:04 amReplyCancel

  • Jak - Beautiful post as always.
    –
    I think “He/she will catch up” is a common go to phrase for people of sympathy for lack of knowing what to say and/or to just be reassuring and offer a kind sentiment. Taking it negatively isn’t likely the best way to look at it, but I understand how it could upset/invoke emotions as such.
    –
    I really like the comparisons to snow flakes and how all of us are different and normal.
    –
    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of InkJuly 31, 2013 – 1:22 amReplyCancel

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