Shadow Meditation Helped Me Lighten Despair

There’s a photo floating around social media and in the news. It’s a “First Day of School” photo, but not like any I’ve shared. It’s not like the one I’ll likely share next week of my own kid heading back to school. This photo’s of a little girl sitting on the floor with a slice of pizza on a napkin in front of her. Looks like pepperoni. A normal enough scene for a school photo, except that this little girl is sobbing into her hands, and her meal remains untouched. Why? Because her parents were taken for working illegally in a chicken processing facility.

A facility that I’m pretty sure most white people would only work at as a last resort. 

Why does our country spend so much money and so many human resources to round people up who have been here for years? They work. They have kids in school. Sure, I know there are some people who shouldn’t be allowed to come here, or anywhere. But most of the people who want to come to the US take the huge risk for a reason. People don’t just leave their home to be a burden elsewhere.

And now, we need to find alternative care for the children left behind. I won’t even go into the trauma each of these families and kids are going through. It will forever haunt them. They will never fully recover.

Why do we not instead spend this same amount of money and resources on oh, say, setting up facilities for asylum seekers to help process their papers more quickly? Why aren’t we the helpers who actually HELP people continue to be productive members of our society?

Unless you’re Native American, we’re all immigrants.

It’s not just the image of this particular little girl and so many others that break me. It’s the comments from actual humans who don’t see the horror in the act of raiding a chicken plant and detaining a bunch of people who are working (!) while their kids are at school. “Their horrible parents put them in that position,” they say. REALLY? It’s impossible for me to see anybody as horrible who’s hoping for a better life for themselves and their children.

This, along with the other horrific events that keep happening in the US cause me to shut down. I’m not talking about being uncomfortable. It’s more that I can’t think about ANYTHING without sobbing, and so instead, I tell my feelings to stop feeling, and vacillate between feeling too much to function, and feeling too little to be living.

We’re conditioned to feel like it’s not okay to feel uncomfortable.

After all, it’s almost impossible to sit with feelings seeing a little girl grieving what will certainly lead to months, if not a lifetime, of pain and separation from her own mom and dad. But we must. We must sit with these feelings. We need to send love into the world. We need to send love to ourselves. 

A while back, I asked for help. I’m in therapy and also seeing a wellness coach who did something amazing for me Thursday. I still carry the “First Day of School” photo of a sobbing little girl in my mind and heart constantly, but I’m carrying it more easily, and with love for her. For each person wronged this week, and in this life.

Shadow Meditation Helped Me Lighten Despair

I won’t be able to give an exact replay, so I’ll focus on the highlights, and the feelings, instead. I met a woman named Jessey who runs The Wellbeing Path (highly, highly recommend) through a dear friend (Stephanie), and she’s incredible. She’s welcoming, forgiving, understanding, and truly helpful. She’s a gifted wellness coach who is able to help people feel lighter and more grounded.

She guided me through something called a shadow meditation. I’d never heard of it before, but basically, each of us has a shadow self, which is the parts of ourselves we’re ashamed of, embarrassed by, or otherwise repress and hide. 

After talking about how I feel for about an hour and some other stuff, we got into the shadow meditation. She had me focus on breathing, and of course, because I suck at meditating and practicing self care in general, I thought about monks in Tibet and other stupid crap I think about when trying to meditate that is the opposite of meditation. She helped me get there, though.

She had me envision a stairway. I pictured it as concrete and dark, until she told me it was a safe place (and I’m not explaining the calming power of any of this very well, but it was truly amazing and transformative) and it became white, and soft.

She had me descend the stairway and then envision a safe, calming room, and then a safe place to sit. After sitting on a sofa surrounded by running water and white light, she had me invite my shadow self. I was convinced she wouldn’t appear, but she did. 

She was shaped a little differently than I am, more like an elongated triangle body with a circle head, but I knew she was me, at different ages and in different times. 

I hugged her, and was told to ask her what she needed. “Love, joy, and hope,” she said. Jessey then had me ask what she needed to feel these things. “Play with me,” she replied.

There was more to it of course, like later trying to figure out when I lost play, but the entire experience was so unique and amazing, and it honestly helped me feel better. I felt lighter, and more hopeful. 

Jessey made some suggestions about how I can hold small ceremonies to help combat some of the hate in this world by sending love. I send love to the little girl whose first day of school will always be the day her parents were taken. I send love to her parents, and all of the parents. I send love to all children, everywhere. I’m trying to send love to myself, too. I think it’s working. I feel a little better, although I still want to do something. Do more than donate, and call, and vote, and pray. Calming myself seems to be the first step though, and so today, I’ll drive up Pikes Peak with my husband, son, and our dog. And that’s something. 

Holding you in the light, and with love. 

XOXO,
Kristi

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, with the prompt “Uncomfortable.” I was going to skip writing completely, and then decided to push through my discomfort. It’s not my best post, but it’s not my worst, and it’s from my heart. If you’re feeling helpless and broken, and need some help, visit Jessey at The Wellbeing Path. She does Facetime sessions too, if you’re not local.