Sometimes, a movie says what I want to say. But better.

I don’t have a favorite movie.  I’ve been thinking about whether I do for a few days now, and I just don’t.  While there are movies that I definitely love, many are older and their impact on me has somewhat faded.  What hasn’t faded as much are random, much-loved movie quotes because sometimes, a movie says what I want to say.  But better.

While in high school, I briefly had a stepmother named Jane who didn’t like me.  She didn’t like my brothers.  Actually, she may have liked my youngest brother a little bit but only because he was too young to realize that she was bat-shit crazy.

Overall, she was mildly attractive.  But friends, I’m telling you.  It was really hard to look away from the gigantic puffy mole on her face.  It sprouted hairs and everything.  Like a little pet.

You know the kind.  The kind where you tell yourself to make eye contact and not stare at The Mole because you were raised to be polite…but your eyes keep drifting to it.  It’s like you get this uncontrollable urge and want to focus on it because even when you are making eye contact, your brain registers that there’s something not-quite-right going on in your peripheral vision. And you have to comfort your poor brain and reassure it that you are safe and that there is not a tarantula about to attack you.

Because Jane (I call her that here because that is her name) was a mean asshole whose actual words when speaking to my father about us were “…and your psychiatric kids.”  Now, I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure that I’m allowed to call her not only mean, but a dipshit as well.  Even I know that the word “psychiatric” doesn’t quite fit that sentence.  Was she implying we needed therapy?  Hell yes, we needed therapy.  Our dad married a 28-year old dumbass who tried to control our lives and treated us like misbehaved trainable puppies.

Anyway, back then, I was not rude or ballsy enough to say anything to Jane about the fact that mankind had invented these handy buildings with people in them called dermatologists who get paid to remove gigantic hairy moles.  So instead, I let Uncle Buck say it for me.

My brothers and I found endless hours of comfort from “Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.”

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11 movies with memorable quotes

Originally, I was going to tell you about a whole bunch of movie quotes that I randomly spew at occasionally appropriate times but it grew into this list that quickly became boring.  So if you’d like to be done now, you’re excused.  If you are super-bored, procrastinating tackling the dust bunnies under the bed or are dying for further insight into my psychiatric brain and just wanna know what movies are in my list…well, here are 11 movies with party-on excellent quotes.

1. Coming to America is epically hilarious.  I have been known to utter each of these during random moments.  Sometimes, people get the reference and then I love them more.

• “This is beautiful!  What is that, velvet?”
• “Yes, yes, fuck you too!” (this is funny because Eddie’s so happy when he says it)
• “Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries.  Then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.”
• This next one is actually shown during the credits.  I say “Ah-ha!” in the same accent that Eddie Murphy uses for this awesome scene:  “A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down.  He’s having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, waiter come taste the soup. Waiter says: Is something wrong with the soup? The man says: Taste the soup. Waiter says: Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot? Man: Will you taste the soup? Waiter: What’s wrong, is the soup too cold? Man: Will you just taste the soup?! Waiter: All right, I’ll taste the soup!  Where’s the spoon?? Man:  Aha. Aha!”
• “Whadaya know from funny, you bastards?”

2. OMG Clueless has some awesome lines.  One of my fav’s is when Cher’s date Christian came to pick her up.  Her dad said: “Anything happens to my daughter, I’ve got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you.”

3. I had to throw this one in for my friend Kenya who recently wrote a post with this title.  “I never did mind about the little things.”  (Point of No Return and hey, whatever happened to Bridget Fonda, anyway?)

4. Grosse Pointe Blank is another awesomely funny movie.

• “You’re a fucking psycho.”
• “It’s just the base for the soup!”
• “I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?”

5. So I Married an Axe Murderer.  Ha.

• “You stole my heart and my cat.”
• “Would ya look at the size of that kid’s head! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!”
• “He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.”
• “He (The Colonel) puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it nightly, smartass!”

6. Happy Gilmore  “The price is wrong, bitch!”

7. “There’s no crying in baseball!”  (A League of Their Own)

8. 16 Candles “I can’t believe I gave my panties to a geek.”

9. Office Space (probably one of the most quoted movies ever by everybody who has ever had a job):

• “The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.”
• “…the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.”
• “Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.”
• I almost left this one out because it’s just so dang obvious but know that at least one of you will comment saying “Hey, Kristi!  You forgot to include ‘Somebody has a case of the Mondays!’ in the Office Space quotes.”

I also appreciate serious movies on occasion an am throwing in a couple of bonus quotes.

10. Philadelphia Story, because come on.  Is there anybody on the planet who doesn’t adore Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington?  While I am not necessarily a fan of opera, the scene when Tom Hanks is sharing La Mamma Morta to Denzel Washington is powerful and amazing.  “I bring sorrow to those who love me.  …It’s during this sorrow that love came to me.  …a voice, filled with irony.  It said ‘live, still.’  I am life…I am love.  I am.”

11. I’ve mentioned before that I have a massive, giddy school-girl crush on Anthony Hopkins’ voice.  I’m not talking Silence of the Lambs voice (although that movie has some awesome quotes such as “with a side of fava beans”).
  I’m talking about Anthony’s real voice.  The one that delivered his “I couldn’t ask for anything more” (which turned out to be “I don’t want anything more” speech in Meet Joe Black.  Before THAT speech, he said:

• “I loved Susan from the moment she was born, and I love her now and every minute in between. And what I dream of is a man who will discover her, and that she will discover a man who will love her, who is worthy of her, who is of this world, this time and has the grace, compassion, and fortitude to walk beside her as she makes her way through this beautiful thing called life.”
• “…I’m going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish.  That you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, ‘I don’t want anything more.’  Sixty-five years.  Don’t they go by in a blink?”  I just watched this again and…um, tears.  And? OMG that voice!

“Lightning could strike!”

Are you still here?  Really?  Wow.  So tell me – what awesome movie quotes did I forget to include?  I know there are many!  Thanks, and happy, happy weekend, friends!

UPDATE because I cannot believe that I forgot about Monty Python.  “Are you saying coconuts migrate?”  “It’s a simple weight ratio.”  and “You’ve got no arms.”  Oh and Wayne’s World – “Schwiiiiiing!” which I still say.  Like this week.