The Harsh and Horrible Truth about Moving for the US Government

People (including me until recently) think that families who move for government or military jobs have it made. The government helps with closing costs for a new home, pays for a house-hunting trip, and sends professionals to pack your things. For anybody who’s moved across country, moving for the US Government sounds blissful, right?

I’m sure some people have had wonderful experiences with government contractors and the whole process, but for us, it’s pretty much sucked. Here is the harsh and horrible truth about moving for the US Government as we’ve experienced it.

For the record, I do have experience moving when there are contractors and packers involved, so I have a comparison. Having successfully (without much pain) moved from Denver to DC for my job with the private sector (AKA companies who know how to do business and make money), I want to share our current experience with moving for the United States Government.

Here are some harsh and horrible truths about moving for the US Government

The following is what I imagine to be the perspective of the collective decision makers within the US Government.

The Promotion

Give the guy a promotion. He deserves it. But, that organization he helped build? Well, don’t give him a promotion there, even though he helped build it and has been focused on the same area for 30+ years.

“Shake the tree!”

Offer him a job in Colorado. His wife grew up there, and she misses it. But only guarantee it for three years because you miss having more control over these retired military people.

God forbid, any retired soldier get too comfortable staying in one spot for too long.

Make the houses in Colorado cheap so they get all excited about what they can afford compared to the DC suburbs of Northern Virginia.

Also, having the US Government train a 54-year-old man in something totally new makes sense somewhere. It’s like those laws that never were erased from the books where you could be jailed for spitting a sunflower seed on the sidewalk somewhere in Alabama or whatever.
(US Gov note to self: look up those cool old laws because we could probably do something fun and evil with them)

The House-Hunting Trip

Pay for a 10-day house-hunting trip for the family. Except, not for the family, family. Only for mom and dad. We have centers for the kids these days if mom and dad are irresponsible enough to not have kid-watchers available in town, in spite of us telling them where to go for however long.

Tell them you’ll pay for the trip but don’t mention you’ll tax their trip at 33%.

YAY Government! We get more money!

Oh, except we don’t care about money.

We care about being right.

Notice that the promotion is in Colorado Springs, which doesn’t have a real airport and is a whopping hour away from Denver. Don’t send the mom and dad to Denver! Denver might be a vacation for them!

Pay $850 for their plane tickets to Colorado Springs instead of $335 for them to fly into Denver.

It’s safer that way, we know. We once had a guy who spent an entire afternoon on our dime walking around after traveling for four days. It’s best to be safe.

The Move

Hire people to go pack their stuff. It’s safer that way. Gawd knows these dumbasses can’t properly pack a box of kleenex without putting it in a 12×24 inch box surrounded by paper. Help them out by packing everything for them. Include the dust under the bed because that’s something they earned hard over their too-long time in this home.

Take all of the sofas and chairs first. Require them to be there with nowhere to sit, and only then, maybe they’ll feel the pain we feel when dealing with petty requests to have pillows during their trip across country and having a human as a president. Snowflakes!

The Cars

Make both of them drive. 1600 miles with whatever kids you decided to spawn is your problem. You want to ship a car? Ship it, on your dime. We like those car shipping places. They’re dirty and get bids and deliver when they feel like it. We relate to that, here in the US Government.

The Trip

Require the family (you can bring the kids now because whatever) to drive 350 miles in the correct direction each day. Road closures that delay your miles by three hours? Not our problem.

As far as we know, we don’t have much to do with road construction from state to state. Or delays. Or missed turns, or children who need to get out of the car now and again to pee or run around. Somebody invented long-term diapers for these occasions. We have an astronaut we still brag abou… oh. never mind.

The Household Goods Shipment

Send out bids to the cheapest companies. Who needs stuff, anyway? All these snowflakes complain that people are the most important anyway. Hit “ignore” on emails and calls when the worker’s household goods are delayed four times. Now they know how we feel about having to deal with voters and that annoyance!

Tell them their stuff will be there in 10 days. It feels long, but fine.

Call to tell them it’ll be five additional days.

Then, call and say it’ll be another three. Fun, right?

Just to hammer home who has control, delay that delivery for another day so it’s three weeks they feel homeless but aren’t, because we have a plan for them to move into their home now, without their stuff.

Moving into the Home without The Stuff

Allow them to buy an air mattress, but tell them it has to be the cheapest. They can buy a pot and pan, but again, let’s not get extravagant; buy the one that the black coating leaks into their eggs in eight months. Not our problem! Plus, more money for the cancer industry, which we think we like, but aren’t yet sure of.

These people used to be soldiers, after all! Buck up, dudes! Buck up, snowflake family people!

Tell them the delivery is delayed because snowflakes sue. The guy who drives your truck can’t possibly unload it, right? Hardship!

There’s another company for that, and “you picked a bad time to move.” Laugh when they remind you that YOU are the one who told them when to move.

Moving into the Home

Don’t tell them it’s for sure, because we’re not really for-sure whose stuff might show up tomorrow. If it’s not yours, we have a department for that, and you can call and leave a message.

Whatever happens, don’t call them back right away. The US Government is more important than these pions and we don’t want Officers at the DOD to get entitled. We may make them move back any day, after all.