Hi! Bytheway, that’s not a syrupy lovely “hi” as we’ve got another snow day today. And tomorrow. It’s more of a psycho “hi!” because I need interaction of the human kind.
Anyway, it’s Finish the Sentence Friday time! Today’s may have been a bit confusing to those who follow along in our Facebook group, as Don originally submitted the sentence “I was found guilty and the judge punished me to do my least favorite thing, so this weekend, I have to…”
Kate shortened it to be more idiot-proof user-friendly, and so now it’s “I was found guilty…” (#IWasFoundGuilty). The thing is, after getting blondie here all confused about which sentence to complete, Don became wimpy-girly-whiny and decided that he’s got his man period or whatever and is “on a mental hiatus from blogging” (I can just hear the whine, and him getting fat from BLL as I type his words here).
I told him to suck it up and take a Midol but, well, you know. He’s a man and believes that drinking Bud Light Lime while his ass melds to his couch while surfing questionable porn is more personally fulfilling or some such crap than reading the party-on-excellent bloggers who play #FTSF would be. Candyass.
If you see him around, be sure to tell him that I think he’s a weenie for backing out. He’ll appreciate it. The judge found him guilty of being a pussy and backing out of his own blog hop idea this week. Here’s the punishment he gave himself on FB chat tonight when I asked him what it would be: “Being home all weekend with the kids alone and not allowed to leave the house at all. Oh and there’s no beer in the house!!”
I don’t really live an exciting enough life to be found guilty of much, but I have been guilty of:
- Possibly drinking one bottle (stupid auto-correct) glass too many when I found out that my husband would be here this morning because we’re having another fucking snow day. Oh, tomorrow, too. Whoot. This shit is getting old, peeps.
- Giving my kid too much screen time on snow days, because duh, see above.
- Not showering unless I need to be somewhere, although really the water conservation people probably should thank me for that privately. Or start giving out awards.
- Conveniently forgetting to do household chores so that my husband, who works way more hours than I do, must confront them when he comes home. In my defense, it’s a little bit his fault, as he voluntarily took over all the laundry a couple of years ago so that he’d be able to control the cycle of when his no-iron work shirts are washed, and with what (as in, no other items are allowed – I’m pretty sure that part is the Army’s fault, or, that my hubs has OCD).
My punishments must be fitting and involve doing my least favorite things. No wimpy turns-out-to-be-rewarding community service, like working in a nursing home or in a dog adoption shelter. Nope. My punishment jobs have gotta suck, and suck big. Like, here are the the worst community service jobs ever (that I can think of, anyway):
- Slaughterhouse worker. Gross, sad, and I’d likely never eat again (the upside is that I’d probably lose a few pounds though, so that might be good).
- Volunteering in the rectal thermometer factory. I saw somebody post something on FB this week that said each rectal thermometer is tested personally. Ew, and if that person was you, let me know and I’ll credit you here.
- Does somebody have the job of cleaning Porta-potties? Because I can barely pee in one, much less imagine cleaning one.
- Who picks up roadkill? Somebody does right? I mean, I’ve seen deer on the side of the road, and after like a week or whatever, they’re gone. Somebody must have to pick them up.
- Doing the sewage cleanup work like poor Fiona had on Shameless.
- Parenting without a glass of wine at the end of the day when it’s been six-day weekend due to the jerk more affectionately knows as Snowmageddon. Don’t get me wrong. I love sledding and playing in the snow. But my son is four, and it’s freezing out. So these outings are short, and usually followed by a bath in the middle of the day. And I can never think of how to fill the remaining 11 hours after my inspired “Let’s pretend to sleep” game fails, and I end up going all out with airplane flying and becoming a human bridge between the sofa and the chair, so that Tucker can pretend to be Scooby Doo on a mission to recover a lost airplane. It’s a long 11 hours, my friends.
I started thinking about Candyass Don again. I wonder if he’s faking? It might be something like this:
What about you? What are you guilty of? What’s your punishment? Having another fun school-less week where you are, too? Tell me!
Your Finish the Sentence Friday Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
me: finding ninee
Tonight’s OOPS WIMP is Don from Donofalltrades LOVELY AWESOME co-host is Michelle Grewe from Dribbles and Grits.
by Kristi Campbell
Janine Huldie - Oh man I have been guilty of so much above and then some. So, not even going there, but will say that I totally find it interesting that when we do get our periods, we just suck it up and move on with it. Seriously, my grandmother was right that if you let one man have a baby the human race would die off! But seriously, I digress and yes trust me totally shake my hand on the guilty confessions tonight February 13, 2014 – 10:02 pm
Kristi Campbell - HAHA to your grandmother saying that if we let a man have a baby the human race would die off. That’s SO true!February 14, 2014 – 9:04 pm
Rachel - I love that you did the original one, b/c, of course, you are just plain an original. And because the punishments DO NOT fit the crimes. And because I think you are an original for coming up with so many cruel an unusual punishments. And because you rubbed Don’s nose in it. Yeah, the last one.February 13, 2014 – 10:12 pm
Kristi Campbell - HAHA yeah, it’s the last one.February 14, 2014 – 9:08 pm
Jen Kehl - My husband has OCD and needs to do his own laundry too because apparently I don’t cold his shirts right. That’s fine with me.
Also, showering is over-rated.
I bet Don Is afraid that whatever he does or SAYS can be held against him!February 13, 2014 – 11:05 pm
Kristi Campbell - Jen! I didn’t even think about Don knowing that whatever he SAYS can be used against him! Awesome. And yeah, the OCD. I wasn’t hanging them up quickly enough or something. Oh and I was washing them with other stuff. Totally a crime.February 14, 2014 – 9:09 pm
Tamara - Definitely found guilty of panicking that my husband stayed home today because that meant that he had to witness (and perhaps judge) that I put the girls (I was babysitting one) in front of TWO movies so that I could write an article.
And yet, I’m still writing it now. And I miss my kids.February 13, 2014 – 11:36 pm
Kristi Campbell - Aw. I get missing your kids while you park them in front of the TV. Luckily for me, my husband is worse about play than I am so I look like a saint (which is not necessarily a good thing). xo to you. We do what we must.February 14, 2014 – 11:40 pm
Chris Carter - I am laughing my ASS OFF!!!!! Oh gosh- I just don’t even know where to begin!!! wait- let me pour some more Bacardi…cause I have had a sick needy whiny smelly coughy fevery kid at home ALL WEEK so can I relate to that mess of your life? Oh girl, you KNOW I can!!!
Don- oh Don… what are we gonna do with HIM???!!!
You CRACK me up nailing his butt (not sure why I shy from ass now) to the wall!!!! GO YOU!!! pathetic Don- I mean really- get your shiz together if you’re gonna hang with the bad girls that can take over this world in ONE breath. (Liquor smelling breath to boot)
I’m gonna give Don some serious grief!!!
Ps: I left an entire sink of dishes for Derek tonight, while I ran out the door. February 13, 2014 – 11:41 pm
Kristi Campbell - Oh no to the smelly sick whiny needy kid part, Chris!!
Um not sure what to do with Don. I think he was gonna post today but his work computer was being a meanie or whatever.
HAHA to leaving a sink full of dishes while running out the door! Awesome girl power, you!!February 15, 2014 – 1:16 am
Chris Carter - Oh CRAP! No literally- it’s the CRAP that I forgot to comment about!!! LOL
Any job that includes any crap of any kind is painfully brutal and the rectal thermometer??? They get tested? Are you serious? Crap is nothing compared to THAT. Holy CRAP!!!!February 13, 2014 – 11:43 pm
Kristi Campbell - HAHA yeah those crap jobs? Have to be the ickiest of the nastiest kind…
Saw a thing on FB that the rectal thing was real but even I use the new $60 thermometer thing that measures the ear temp and want to get that one that you just swipe over the forehead. Still, yeah, I think it’s true….February 15, 2014 – 1:21 am
Chris Carter - yes- it’s ME again… cause I didn’t get to tell you that Cade logged in about 589 hours of TRASH tv this week. Just so you don’t feel so bad…
Okay- I’m done. REALLY!!!! LOLFebruary 13, 2014 – 11:51 pm
Kristi Campbell - HAHAH thank you. I adore you for coming back and telling me that!!! YOU ROCK.February 15, 2014 – 1:30 am
Ilene - I typically shower but I “might” be guilty of not washing my hair for several days in a row because it seems cumbersome. But drinking wine is never cumbersome. Especially during 6 day weekends thanks to snow.February 14, 2014 – 12:32 am
Kristi Campbell - Maybe 6 day weekends make us be forgiven for a LOT? And yeah, wine is good. I wish it were earlier now so that I could have some. But well, bedtime…thanks so much, new sister wife!February 15, 2014 – 1:32 am
Mike - LOLOL….I’m totally laughing my frickin’ ass off at that Don cartoon. Full on multiple snorts, tears coming out of eyes laughing. *BREATHE* Ok, ok…next order of business. Remind me never to piss you ladies off!! Lordy! You mean to tell me that the rectal thermometers that are used have been up someone else’s hiney first? I’m all about not showering on the weekends if not needed. The test is when Phoenix won’t come to me anymore then I know I went too long. Ok, back to looking at the cartoon again!!February 14, 2014 – 1:35 am
Kristi Campbell - HAHAH well I’m so pleased that you have full-on multiple snorts! Multiple anything (except sneezes) is good right? Er…wait that was Don talking.
Phoenix actually shuns you when you haven’t showered!!!???? God he’s one awesome dude.February 15, 2014 – 1:33 am
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - LolFebruary 14, 2014 – 2:35 am
Kristi Campbell - XoFebruary 15, 2014 – 1:33 am
Kenya G. Johnson - To answer your graphic yes! My husband seems to follow mine after I’m in a better mood then i’m all like, “What’s wrong with YOU?”
I’ve always wondered about the road kill people. If /when/ and what they pick up. I just wondering if one of those ginormous hawky things carries off a cat. Christopher and I saw one take a live squirrel one time. EWWWWWW.
Not rub anything in because I can imagine your last 24 hours and your today, but we finally have blue skies and school started on time. Woooohooooooo!February 14, 2014 – 7:54 am
Kristi Campbell - What’s UP with the man period anyway???
So gross that you and Christopher saw a huge hawk (vulture???) take away a squirrel. Nasty. Yay for you and school. I’m genuinely happy for you and trust that you also understand why well, I might be a little psycho right now and am really truly not that happy for you? Wait!! OF COURSE I am happy for you! For real, enjoy it. We’re supposed to get more snow tonight. And just before bed Tucker saw that his (as in mine as I built it for him with him barely helping at all) snowman fell down, and I didn’t help him up yet. Even though he might be hurt. Sigh.February 15, 2014 – 1:36 am
karen - OMG…laughing so hard…I can’t, love the cartoon you made of yoru hubby. AWESOME.
If men really do get periods…they would find a way to have “period days” off from work and of course birth control would NEVER be an issue…sighs….February 14, 2014 – 8:02 am
Kristi Campbell - Karen! He’s not my hubby but since you said that, and I think you’re like the third person to, we might soon be like internet friend commonlaw or something so please be more careful in the future. I’d hate to be arrested for polygamy or whatever it’s called if you’re the chick.
But yes, men totally have period days!!February 15, 2014 – 1:38 am
That Girl Ryan - Gosh this was brilliant!! It’s about time somebody called Don out on his man period. Please tell me you sent him this cartoon as well? lol i loved this, i cant wait till Don sees this.February 14, 2014 – 8:45 am
Kristi Campbell - I did send it to him, and he moseyed on over here eventually. I think he was asking about anal though so you know- easily distracted. And thanks!!February 15, 2014 – 1:39 am
Katia - Kristi, that was hands down, one of your funniest ones! Hate to say it, but snow rage brings out the best in you. And I get it. I’ve spent another week in toddler confinement. The psycho “hi!” Killed me. I totally know that hi. I don’t know what I love more the crime or the punishments. And yes someone does do roadkill. Dexter season 6 or 7. Now don’t let anyone say I didn’t learn anything on mat leave.February 14, 2014 – 8:48 am
Kristi Campbell - OMG to the snow rage, Katia!! I know you get it too and it’s freaking getting OLD. Do you ever wish you relocated to Arizona?? Shesh.
I’d forgotten about Dexter season Road Kill. Thanks for the reminder!!! You learned SO MUCH, wise one!!February 15, 2014 – 1:40 am
Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Yes! You said it much funnier than me, but I so get this. We are on our third snow day this week, but have had several this year. Ironically, the only days they have left to use as make-up days are now our Spring Break days. By then, I’m sure I’ll be begin for a day off! February 14, 2014 – 8:54 am
Kristi Campbell - Oh Lisa, do you think they’ll cancel spring break? I’m not sure whether that would make me happy or sad right now. We’re in school on Monday to make up for one of the other snow days, and have already lost another holiday…sigh…February 15, 2014 – 1:42 am
Jennifer Steck - Wait…Don is sitting this one out? Even I finished this week’s challenge. Get busy, Don!!! I’ve never thought about all the truly awful jobs out there. Your post has reminded me of how blessed I am. February 14, 2014 – 9:31 am
Kristi Campbell - Yup. Loser that he is, he’s siting it out. And yeah, I suppose we are blessed with our less than disgusting jobs!February 15, 2014 – 1:43 am
The Dose of Reality - I am practically psychotic from the quantity of “togetherness time” my family has experiences thanks to the snowmageddeon. We’ve been trapped in here together since TUESDAY.
I have taken to locking myself in the bathroom and pretending I can’t hear anyone calling my name–a maneuver I learned from my husband, btw.
My kids have watched so much tv over the past few days even they are tired of it. I didn’t think that was possible. Ugh.
LOVE your drawings!! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! –LisaFebruary 14, 2014 – 10:29 am
Kristi Campbell - OMG I so need to steal the “I can’t hear you” ploy from the bathroom. And yeah, I am with you on not thinking it was possible for a kid to get tired of the TV. Sad, sad, sad day when that happens. Also it’s supposed to snow here tonight. OMG. Save me.February 15, 2014 – 1:47 am
donofalltrades - Good God, woman! It’s like you were watching me through my window as you drew me! I really was getting fatter on BLL, but I wasn’t on my couch, so there’s that. Does your aversion to the rectal thermometer job mean you don’t do anal? Is that inappropriate to ask? I feel as though, since I was called your husband on your blog for at least the second time now, I should know this.
I’m so flattered to be in a Ninee cartoon.I can finally, officially retire happy from blogging forever! Thanks for the push!
Oh, and the City Refuse Division picks up the road kill in St. Louis.
Oh again…I love each of you, but still, all you ladies can bite me!!February 14, 2014 – 10:35 am
Mike - LOLOL!! I came back to this post JUST to see if you responded, Don! Laughing my ass off all over again after howling at that Ninee cartoon last night. My day is complete and thank you, sir February 14, 2014 – 2:18 pm
allison - Laughing my ass off at the fact that she called you out, Don. And PST noticed that you’ve been posting elsewhere in the blogosphere this week. ahem ahem
Love this post, and very amused.
Thank you (both) for helping me get through another snow day.
And here’s to next FTSF.February 14, 2014 – 8:06 pm
Kristi Campbell - I know, Allison, on Huff Po even! Sheesh.February 15, 2014 – 11:10 am
Kristi Campbell - Hm. I wouldn’t say that I’m aversionish to the rectal thermometer but more about the fact that it’s tested by somebody else first. And yeah, I guess we need to be careful that we don’t get accidentally common-lawed here because the SKIMMERS (AKA jerk weenies) are obviously confused and weird stuff happens. Good thing you’re a cop and can like um, you know, have credibility in a court or whatever.
If you retire from blogging because of this, I will be killed and I know you don’t want that shit on your conscious so man up, menstrual boy.February 15, 2014 – 2:00 am
Mike - Aversionish? You are the smile that gives forever, Kristi I mean that.February 15, 2014 – 5:03 pm
Kristi Campbell - Aw. XO Mike. Xo.February 15, 2014 – 10:55 pm
Kate - Wait- so all rectal thermometers are pre-used! I am going to google this and hope my work doesn’t block it for what I’m sure could be some nasty results!February 14, 2014 – 10:36 am
Kristi Campbell - Um I think so. What did Google say?February 15, 2014 – 2:03 am
Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama - My daughters’ daycare has been closed for three days straight, so I’m guilty of WAY too much screen time (thank God for PBS Kids!), yelling at my kids repeatedly and then taking them for a special snack at Dunkin Donuts to ease the guilt, yelling some more, letting them eat more crap, and letting the mess in my house reach disastrous levels. Because. My kids are home again. I can’t tell you how excited I am that my company is closed on Monday for President’s Day but daycare is open. Mama is so looking forward to a ‘me’ day! And a shower!February 14, 2014 – 11:07 am
Kristi Campbell - OMG I’m SO SO SO jealous that your job is closed on Monday! And yeah, thank God for PBS Kids and the Disney Channel. Oh, hey, does the treat at Dunkin Donuts work? Because I so need more tricks.February 15, 2014 – 2:07 am
Real Life Parenting - Christ on a crutch!! I love you!! I’m sitting in the Target parking lot waiting for a dude to meet me to buy something I had on Craigslist. I hope he’s late because I have makeup running down my cheeks from cry laughing at this one!!! I LOVE that you dedicated this entire post to calling Don out for being such a whiner!
And that cartoon–your best ever!!February 14, 2014 – 11:29 am
Kristi Campbell - Well he IS a whiner, right? And smart to meet Craigslist dude at Target, friend. Because who knows about the weirdos out there!! So glad that you enjoyed this so much and thank you!!February 15, 2014 – 11:06 am
Natalie - I am a firm believer in the man period. It really explains so much.February 14, 2014 – 12:10 pm
Kristi Campbell - It really does, Natalie. It really does. Thanks:DFebruary 15, 2014 – 11:12 am
Kerri - I think Don should have to buy a case of wine to make up for being a total man and backing out of a commitment at the last minuteFebruary 14, 2014 – 1:59 pm
Kristi Campbell - He really should. Good idea, Kerri. You hear that Don? You owe us WINE!February 15, 2014 – 11:16 am
Sarah - I did community service once, but it was at the Nature Center, and I minded (why do I feel that word should be mound?) the petting area. The worst was sweeping up goat and sheep droppings. The best was the day I got to make the deer salad and feed it to the deer. That got me super close to the black bears, too (with a tall fence in between us) so that was super cool too.
Haha! I’m in TX and not dealing with that foot or more of snow in the DC area! Haha!
Ah, “no-iron work shirts.” Your husband’s and Lisa’s. What have I been missing?February 14, 2014 – 2:51 pm
Kristi Campbell - You haven’t heard of no iron work shirts? Dude, you’re missing out! Your community service sounds cool (well that one day sounds cool, the rest sounds like it pretty much sucked). Were you a bad bad girl that you had to do it or was this part of some enrichment program in high school or something? I’m guessing the latter, based on your crime being ditching being teacher’s aide but who knows??February 15, 2014 – 11:19 am
Sarah - Ah, but see, there’s where you missed the theme. I’m a good girl when being a bad girl isn’t worth it. But I’m a bad girl if I think the rules are stupid or the situation calls for it. I really need to tell the story and get it off my chest, but it will be a major undertaking. Maybe 2014 will be the year for it, though. And, good luck finding my mug shot! My record’s been expunged, lady!February 15, 2014 – 11:30 am
Kristi Campbell - OOOH now I’m completely intrigued. A mug shot? Your record??? Expunged? Sweet. This is gonna be good, I can tell already!!!February 15, 2014 – 12:01 pm
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - I’m telling you…JCPenney Stafford wrinkle-free. Best. Shirts. Ever. I don’t even know where my iron IS anymore.February 16, 2014 – 12:40 pm
Jhanis - LMAO! Those are harsh punishments! Well, except for the slaughterhouse, I’ve been in one (not as a worker though) and I found it interesting! Smelly but interesting.
Happy hearts day!February 14, 2014 – 3:51 pm
Kristi Campbell - Really? I’d be so grossed out by the slaughterhouse. Happy hearts weekend (since I’m a day late), Jhanis!February 15, 2014 – 11:21 am
Marcia@ Menopausal Mother - HAHAHA this is too damn funny—I don’t even know where to start! Ohhhh the comments about Don–LMFAO! Love all the “punishments” but holy crap #2 totally skeeved me out! GAHHHH!!February 14, 2014 – 3:52 pm
Kristi Campbell - Yeah, the rectal thermometer thing is pretty freaky weird, and I’m not even sure if it’s true! I just saw that somebody posted something like that on Facebook!February 15, 2014 – 11:24 am
Dana - I went to college with a guy who had a summer job scooping road kill. He’d drive around in a truck with another guy, picking up the dead animals. I’m not sure what they did with them then, because he told me this story at a bar. So maybe he was totally making it up, but I was enthralled. I’m an easy mark when I’ve had a drink or two.February 14, 2014 – 5:06 pm
Kristi Campbell - I wonder if he was telling the truth?? That’s funny and gross and I’d have been enthralled too.February 15, 2014 – 11:28 am
Sandy - I can’t see!! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, choked on popcorn AND may or may not have peed my pants a little!! Between this and the comment thread, my night is made!
I will, however, wish for an end to this horrific winter you are having because I really think you need to get the hell out of there!February 14, 2014 – 10:28 pm
Kristi Campbell - So so glad that you enjoyed it, Sandy!! Although sorry about the pee in your pants thing. That’s never much fun. And thanks for the good vibes about winter finally going away – we’ll take ’em!!February 15, 2014 – 11:29 am
est. 1975 - The “S” in Snow Day stands for ALL WORK AND NO BEER MAKES HOMER SOMETHING SOMETHING.
(That means they drive me insane, y’all.)February 15, 2014 – 2:04 am
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Oh Kristi, you are hilarious! And I think I read once that men do actually go through testosterone fluctuations that can simulate “periods” so maybe you are on to something. Love the drawings!!!February 15, 2014 – 12:26 pm
Kristi Campbell - Sarah, I think men really do get periods! They sure act like it, anyway…February 15, 2014 – 10:53 pm
Sarah Almond - That picture you drew of Don absolutely cracks me up!
I’m hoping for the end of this shitty winter very soon!!!!! Hope you have no more snow days!February 15, 2014 – 8:12 pm
Kristi Campbell - I hope the same for you, Sadder Sarah! Snow days can be fun. Like as in ONE, where it’s WHEEE let’s go build a snowman. Oh. By the way, the snowman I built for Tucker yesterday? Fell down. Now I have to try and explain that he’s not “hurt.” UGH.February 15, 2014 – 10:54 pm
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Clearly, I came to this party way too late. This is hysterical – on all counts. The whole too much screen time on a snow day thing? Yeah, my kid is WAY over her allowable hours total since we got home Wednesday night. She has school tomorrow, though – makeup day – and I don’t. Am I insane to be sort of sad about that? Hrm. Playing with the kid…love it and hate it…I’m way better at activities and projects that do not involve me being on the floor.
The Don thing is hysterical – and I don’t even know the poor guy!February 16, 2014 – 12:43 pm
April - So, that’s the back story! LOL! I definitely think this prompt was easier than the one that he came up with. Don needs to take that Midol and call it a day! I’m sorry you’re stuck inside for so long. I wish my husband would just get Presidnet’s day off. He has no holidays from work, it seems. And if those were the options of community service, I would choose to do the jail time. Thank you for linking up with Countdown in Style.February 16, 2014 – 5:12 pm
Brittnei - You are too much! With Tucker being 4, I’m surprised you all don’t do more crafts. So many of the ones I find on Pinterest are for like 3 and 4 year olds. I find experiments and all that they can do. You could maybe cook or bake with him? JR is too little for me to do that stuff with now. I feel for you with the snow days though. It’s gotta be tough. Hang in there! Thanks for supporting my blog hop this week! xoFebruary 18, 2014 – 1:21 am
Michelle - This was so hilarious! I have been guilty of all of those two and those community service jobs are horrible! Can you imagine? I saw the rectal thermometer job thing on Facebook too though and I was laughing.February 18, 2014 – 1:25 am
Kate Hall - HILARIOUS!!!! I love this in so many ways! Thank you for calling Don out – that needed to happen publicly. I love the cartoon – perfect! That original sentence he gave us was ridiculous.February 18, 2014 – 12:38 pm