Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land – Dear You

Today’s Our Land Series piece was written by a dear blog friend who probably “gets” much of what I feel when it comes to searching for a diagnosis than some of my other blog friends do (not all because there are actually quite a few of us, Joy, being one).  I think Kerri and I originally found one another when I was pretty-brand-new to not having a diagnosis for Tucker and to blogging.  I have been continually grateful for her input, experience, support and agreement that all children deserve Our Land.  One where empathy and wonder rule.  One where balloons are always celebrated.

Kerri authors Undiagnosed, but we are okay with that and continually amazes me with the fact that she’s able to blog while juggling a billion (not exaggerating) therapy appointments each week, her kids (she has another daughter as well), and her life.  She even manages to fit in a glass of wine now and again.  How could I not love her?  Oh.  And don’t tell her, but I think Tucker and Boo would make an over-the-top adorable couple.  As in EEEEP.

Without further ado, I present the third contribution to The Our Land Series:

Dear you,

(the one who looked at me funny at the supermarket),

Hi there.

I couldn’t help but notice your look of disgust as you watched us in the checkout line. I was the woman with the child screaming “BA-OON!” Remember? I couldn’t enter the check-out line in a timely fashion. I had to wait for the person in front of me to be completely done so I could whisk my daughter to the end of the register.

I wasn’t trying to hold up the line. I was, in fact, trying to prevent the candy-aisle disaster that my daughter would have caused when she attempted to take down the display. Believe me when I say that my standing outside the aisle was considerate. The cashier knows us and was probably thankful since she remembers the last time when I wasn’t so thoughtful.

I understand your look. Before I was given the absolute joy of my daughter, I, too, looked at parents with misbehaving children and thought they were not doing a good job.

But I am doing a good job.

You see, when I kept repeating balloon to my daughter, you thought I was egging her on and encouraging her to disrupt all the shoppers. You should know that it has taken her almost 3 years of speech therapy to make the sound “BA-OON!” and I was ecstatic that not only she knew what a balloon was but that she could tell me how much she enjoyed it. Do I wish she had an ‘indoor’ voice?  Heck yes.

But I also am overjoyed that she is speaking.

And you understood what she meant, so bonus points for her.

I am not writing to make you feel bad or ashamed. I wanted you to know that I was once like you. A person who judged a child because she appeared to be undisciplined. When you judge the child, like I once did, you are condemning the parent.

Before my Boo, I had absolutely no idea that a child, teen, or adult may not have a physical “tell” of their handicap.

I hope you do not have to learn about having to seek empathy and wonder in the “Middle World.”   I hope you know that it’s a hard wake-up call for a parent to know that on top of working with her disability, a child may also have to work against the bias of a grown-up or her peers.

I was once that jerk in the restaurant or supermarket. I judged without knowing. I judged without empathy and did not see the wonder in a child looking at a balloon and proclaiming “BA-OON!”

I hope you have a nice day.  But more, I hope that you begin to see the wonder of our Middle World.

Sincerely,

Boo’s Mom

—

(editors note:  a moment of silence because I think we all need to take a minute and remember when we have been the judge and the judged.  no matter our kids.)

Kerri is the mom to two beautiful girls, one of whom likes to keep her and the medical world at large guessing. When not at her paying job, you can find her trying to keep some type of balance between being a wife, mom and puppy trainer. Based on how poorly trained the puppy is…she is having a hard time with balancing it all.

This has been an Our Land Series post that began because of this.  If you’d like to contribute, you do not need to be in the special needs community.  You do need to want to make the world more full of acceptance, equality, empathy and wonder.

To submit a contribution, just use the contact form and email me.

 


by Kristi Campbell

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  • Janine Huldie - Perfect letter Kerri and even though my kids don’t have any real learning disabilities at this point, I have gotten looks when I am out with both my kids and they are being a bit rowdy. So, I do know those looks all too well and to be honest, I think others need to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, before they can judge. Wonderful what you have written and I know from following your blog just how much you have worked with Boo and how far she has come, because of you simply being her mom and her advocate. Bravo and kudos to you!! 🙂May 8, 2013 – 8:04 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Aw, Janine, awesome comment. I’m sure Kerri will appreciate it as do I. I think you’re so right that all parents get The Look, regardless of our kid’s abilities. Thanks for sharing!May 8, 2013 – 8:25 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I love the awareness of the Our Land series. When my son was 5 months old, I was “that lady” with the crying baby for the entire flight. I felt so bad and angry for the looks I got, when I got off the airplane I handed off my son to my husband and I went in the bathroom and cried myself. There wasn’t anything I could do to comfort him. It taught me to never be the one to look, and appear irritated at another mom in the same situation. Thanks for sharing Kristi and Kerri.May 8, 2013 – 8:31 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Oh, Kenya,
    Although I’m so sorry that you had to experience that awful flight, part of me wishes every parent experienced something like that. Maybe it’d make us all nicer to one another.May 8, 2013 – 8:35 amReplyCancel

  • Anita @ Losing Austin - This series makes me happy on so many levels. And today’s guest is so good as sharing and educating, while still understanding that people often have good hearts but not good understanding.

    My kids are typical, but my husband has an unseen disability- and it’s unfathomable to people what he goes through and the battles we face, because when he’s around them he usually seems fine. But then hides away when he’s not, and always deals with emotional challenges and sometimes his coping with that isn’t understood.

    Thanks for sharing your heart and story.May 8, 2013 – 10:07 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Anita,
    So glad to hear that this series makes you happy! Sending strength to you and your husband and hopes for better understanding to those around you.
    Hugs!May 8, 2013 – 10:32 amReplyCancel

  • The Sadder But Wiser Girl - Oh Kerri this is great! I used to be a one on one for a little girl that had many issues, but no diagnosis other than PPD. From just looking at this beautiful little girl, people would not know what her parents went through every day. Her Mom is one of the most wonderful people in the world, and this is something that she has to deal with on a daily basis. Unfortunately, people who don’t know better will judge her parenting. Much like you, her love for her daughter shines brightly through all of the therapy appointments, public outings cut short, harried grocery trips, missed adult time, and so forth. It’s worth it. Thank you for sharing. Now I need to get caught up on the rest of the series!May 8, 2013 – 11:37 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Thanks for commenting, Sadder Sarah! You’re so right that others have no idea what some parents go through with therapies, appointments, seeking answers from doctors that never come…
    Maybe more people will think before judging after reaching Kerri’s powerful post. And you totally should read the rest of the series – it’s awesome. 🙂May 8, 2013 – 11:47 amReplyCancel

  • Dawn Beronilla - AWESOME letter!
    I am loving the stuffing right out of this series. These posts are so important.May 8, 2013 – 11:59 amReplyCancel

  • Jessica - Absolutely. I had all kinds of ideas about how I was going to raise my son “better” than other people do, without realizing what the parent was going through. Yeah, I have given up on that idea, and I have a lot more empathy for other parents now. It’s a lot of work, and even more so in Kerri’s case. PS: I wish my son had an indoor voice, too!May 8, 2013 – 12:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - I think everyone should have a copy of this letter in their pocket, to hand to the next eye-rolling, sighing, annoyed person they run into. No good comes from parents judging one another. Great post Kerri and great series Kristi!May 8, 2013 – 1:15 pmReplyCancel

  • K - What an awesome post! 🙂 I wish that everyone would sit down and read this letter…the world needs to hear this message!! This is so perfectly written; thank you.May 8, 2013 – 1:19 pmReplyCancel

  • MJM - Awesome story Kerri…thanks for sharing. Kristi…I freaking love this series…keep it going girl(s).May 8, 2013 – 3:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - Awesome guest post! I’ve so been there with my son, who not only had hidden challenges, but who was VERY tall for his age, so people always expected so much more of him because they thought he was older than he was. Fantastic letter.May 8, 2013 – 4:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. - Kerri, this is great. I loved that letter. One of my clients was commenting on how excited they were that their daughter finally learned to throw, but now she throws everything all the time. When their OT first started working with their daughter, she asked, “How do you feel about her throwing things?” implying that it was a behavior that needed to be corrected. The parents were like, “We feel GREAT about her throwing things!” because they were so excited that she could!

    Your point about BA-OON! is a great one- sometimes there is another side. Sometimes the “problem behavior” isn’t what it seems, but is rather a developmental milestone to be celebrated.

    And we are all doing our best. It sucks to be judged.May 8, 2013 – 5:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Michele - I’ll never understand why people judge without knowing all the facts. I loved this!May 8, 2013 – 6:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Thank you, everyone for your kind words!May 8, 2013 – 7:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Dawn, Jessica, Dana, K, MJ, Emily, Stephanie, Michele,

    Thank you. And all of you – so right. Here’s to all of us having more empathy for parents in EVERY situation. It’s all hard, friends. It’s all beautiful. It’s all wonderful. Let’s embrace and accept. Not judge.

    And Kerri, thanks for the contribution. It is perfect.May 8, 2013 – 9:30 pmReplyCancel

  • Melissa@Home on Deranged - The hard truth is that we all have the “judge” inside our heads, regardless of our situations, good or bad, easy or difficult. I don’t understand why you don’t understand me. Even in the “normal” stuff, like when you see me pushing a stroller and dragging a 2yo and yet you refuse to yield any room for us. Or even open a door to help us get through easier. sigh…Hurry up and bring on this land of empathy and wonder! 🙂May 8, 2013 – 11:29 pmReplyCancel

  • TheSocialButterflyMom - Ahhh, the judging! I have so many apologies to make to parents when I was my pre-baby self ;pMay 9, 2013 – 6:47 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Melissa,
    That’s so true – busy parents of typical kids get judged too. The whole world should open the doors for tired mommies!May 9, 2013 – 7:26 amReplyCancel

  • Kristi - Social Butterfly,
    Hah to apologies to parents from your pre-baby self! 🙂May 9, 2013 – 7:26 amReplyCancel

  • Jen - I talk about this all of the time. Once I was the woman who judged other moms when it seemed they couldn’t control their kids. Then I had mine. A child with sensory issues looks completely typical. But he sure doesn’t act that way. It’s a great letter, I hope the right people read it!May 9, 2013 – 11:25 amReplyCancel

  • Joy - I just love this post! <3May 14, 2013 – 11:36 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi - Joy,
      Me, too. And I look forward to yours!May 14, 2013 – 7:15 pmReplyCancel

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