Our Land: Being A Mother And A Survivor Of Abuse

The other night, I walked in to my children’s bedroom, as I do every night before I go to bed. As I went to my daughter’s bed, I was stopped by a reaction to what I was doing. I had this sudden sickness in my stomach and was panicked that maybe I was violating her personal space, and me being there could harm her. I had to force myself to go through with kissing her on the cheek, like I do every night, and at the same time tell that hard-wired part of my brain that this fear of harming her, just by being near her when she sleeps, is irrational.

It sounds strange doesn’t it? It’s strange and heart-breaking for me. This is the PTSD I have had to learn to cope with, because I was sexually abused as a child. People may think, “she is disgusting for thinking that way,” but here’s the thing, I don’t choose to. It happens to me. That panicked physical reaction I speak of steams from the fear instilled in me as a little girl, when my abuser walked in to my room at night. The abuse distorted connections in my brain that appropriately associate things correctly, like love and fear. I was told “I love you” by my abuser, every time he abused me, over a course of eight years. I believe that is the reason that I got that physical, ill feeling reaction, when I went to kiss my daughter goodnight and tell my sweet girl that I love her.

It doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I’m triggered, sometimes I’m not. A survivor of abuse doesn’t always have a choice to associate “normal” feelings with “normal” things, nor does she have a say when her body irrationally reacts to “normal” things. That’s what makes PTSD so difficult. Triggers come and go, and new ones arise, especially in the case of parenting.

Becoming a parent added a whole new, difficult layer to my recovery. I became triggered by things that I did with, around and for my children. I was triggered by certain people around my children. I was triggered by their sheer existence, in that I now could see how innocent of a child I was, at the time the abuse began.

It’s hard for me to see myself as this innocent little girl.

I recently wrote an article about what it’s like raising a girl as a survivor, for Scary Mommy. It was one of the most difficult pieces I have ever written, and just as scary to share. Even more so than the first time I publicly shared about my own story. I did it because in my own search to find support online, from literature or other survivor’s stories, I found none.  None. I was and still am shocked that with all that is written about and for survivors and parents, no one has recognized and addressed parents who are survivors. I know the role shame has in keeping survivors quiet, but didn’t fully understand its power, until I came up empty handed when I went looking for support myself.

The response I received after publishing Raising A Girl erased any doubt that I previously had about being so open concerning my own experiences with abuse. I can’t tell you how many, “I’ve never heard anyone talk about this” responses I received. That whisper I have heard for awhile now, to do something bigger, to make more of a difference, became even louder. I just didn’t know what it was I was suppose to be doing or even how to get started.

Thankfully included in those many comments and personal messages, was a response from Joyelle. She told me she had never heard anyone speak about this before. Joyelle was as determined as I was to bring this issue to the surface. She suggested what she believed to be a crazy idea. I saw it as a sign – that whisper I was hearing suddenly became a shout.

Joyelle and I have since teamed up to create an anthology, including personal stories from parents who are survivors. We have titled it Trigger Points: An Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting. We feel very strongly about getting these stories out in the world, in hopes it will be a small push to change a cultural attitude, that perpetuates shame. We need to be able to admit shamelessly to ourselves and others, when the effects of the abuse are interrupting any aspect of living a healthy adult life. That most certainly includes parenting, something so vital to breaking the cycle of abuse.

We are now open for submissions. We are looking for parents who have experienced childhood physical or sexual abuse, meaning you don’t have to be a “writer.” We will help you craft your words. You just have to be brave enough to share them with us.

We have created a Facebook page to assist in submitting a story, and to introduce ourselves a little better. We hope to build a community where survivors and their loved ones can seek and receive the kind of support they need.

https://www.facebook.com/TriggerPointsAnthology

Even if you are not a survivor, odds are you know someone that is. Simply seeing that this project is being created could be a ray of hope in a survivor’s day. Please like and share our Facebook page.

Thank you Kristi, for allowing me to discuss this difficult topic on your blog. Your support is appreciated more than I can put in to words. My intentions with being so open is to make even one survivor feel less alone. I have no doubt that you helped me accomplish that.

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See? I told you that she’s brave and helping to make the world a more connected place. Here’s a bit more about her:

Dawn is a thirty-something wife and Momma to two. She blogs at W.T.F. words thoughts feelings, where some of her writings are about being a survivor of too many ugly events in her life, but a desire to incorporate them into something that makes the pain and dysfunction worth something.

The rest are random, humorous takes on being a woman, being Momma and the lessons life keeps throwing at her. Dawn can be found on Facebook and Twitter.