Our Land – Outed

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Friends! Thank you for being here. I’m so happy to introduce you to an amazing writer, friend and Our Land advocate today. I can’t remember how I met Kelly, but I think it may have been on Twitter. Regardless, Kelly is super-fabulous, a teacher, is passionate about literacy and education, and believes that ALL kids deserve to be successful in school. Her blog, My Twice Baked Potato, was named due to Kelly and her partner’s son being outside of the bell curve in both extreme intelligence and his current social skills. I adore her. She’s amazing and has so generously agreed to share her words on Our Land, today. Without more, I give you her words.

I Was Outed By My Son.

Last Spring, my son received a birthday invitation. This might be an ordinary occurrence for most, but I was excited since invitations don’t come our way often. Casually, I mentioned the party and he kept playing Mine Craft without turning.

“Hey!”

He turned around and I motioned for him to join me on the couch. I shared the details and said, “We should go! You haven’t been to any parties this year and this one sounds really fun.”

He paused momentarily and then said, “I don’t want to go.” His eyes avoided my eyes as he turned his body away. He headed to the Legos nearby in hopes that the conversation was done. Instead of asking more questions, I jumped right into problem solving mode. ”We can bring your own food or we could stay just a short time if you want.” I was trying to think of the solutions to his frequently used excuses. I headed for the pantry in search of the gluten free, dairy free cake mix I kept just in case.

Before reaching my destination, I heard him say something that I couldn’t quite make out. Turning back around the corner I asked him to repeat it.

“I said that I don’t want you to be the one to take me…”

Before he finished, I knew what he was going to say! He was going to share his embarrassment for having two moms. It was just a matter of time before he would say it out loud.

I knew this day would come and I had tried to prepare myself. I paused, trying to remember what I had practiced for this type of scenario. I wanted to remind him about our tremendous love for him and the fact that families come in all shapes and sizes. He had to know that he was the center of our universe and that while some may disagree; our family was just as valuable as others.

He continued what he was saying, “…because of your big neck and your chins that hang down.”
“I don’t mean to be rude but…” He wasn’t laughing or smiling.

He was embarrassed as he looked at the ground with his shoulders hunched.

What?! I couldn’t believe what I heard. I was speechless!
I felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach; the same stomach that had grown, steadily over the years because of stress and complete focus on my child’s sensory and social issues. My stomach and chins were my battle scars from being a warrior mama and endlessly fighting for him! After hearing these brutally honest words, I got up and walked away. Desperately, I tried to think of what to say or do. I had to honor his feelings of embarrassment even though I was crushed and humiliated.

I went past a mirror on the way to the living room; I stopped and looked at myself. I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and baggy genie pants. I had worn this look all day while I ran errands and I thought it was good enough; however, I now saw my reflection and I looked four times larger than I should.

I locked eyes with my partner as I left the room and she saw my pain. She struggled for the “right way” to handle my feelings and explain to our very sensitive son, my reaction. Within seconds, she lectured him about hurting my feelings and that I couldn’t help it.

“We don’t make fun of anyone’s appearance.”

It did hurt my feelings and we don’t laugh at the way others look; however, I had to take responsibility for the fact that maybe I could help it. I was the one that ate the peanut butter cups and drank the grande caramel lattes as ways to comfort myself at stressful, busy times.

Looking back, I know that my son didn’t want to hurt me when he shared his observations. He said those words as if it was common knowledge, obvious to anyone visiting our home. In order for me to preach about persistence to my sensitive boy, I have to model that very skill through my own eating and healthier choices!

Look at it this way…I’m sure someday soon, he will share his embarrassment for having two moms, and, on that day, I will have my speech ready!

On that day, we’ll have Our Land.

—

Our Land is many things. But mostly, it’s acceptance. And sometimes, that acceptance and understanding comes when we least expect it. Who am I kidding? Acceptance and understanding always comes when we least expect it. While my friend was prepared for the Two Moms speech, she wasn’t prepared for the body image one. I told you Kelly was amazing. Here’s more about her:

Kelly H. picture Kelly is a mother, teacher & writer. She started her blog My Twice Baked Potato as a way to support and connect people parenting twice-exceptional children. Kelly’s work has been seen in Macaroni Kids, Huffington Post, and many other sites. Kelly’s blog was Parent Map’s 2013 Golden Teddy Award finalist for parenting blogs.

by Kristi Campbell

26 comments

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Kerri - Our kids are our biggest loves and our biggest critics. I’m sorry you had that moment when we are not perfect for them.November 13, 2013 – 10:10 amReplyCancel
Robin - Love the honesty! Great post!November 13, 2013 – 10:21 amReplyCancel
donofalltrades - I don’t know how old your son is, but my four year old did the same thing to me. In the middle of a casual conversation, he asked me why I was so fat.

I didn’t know how to respond at first, but the reality of it is that when our kids mention our weight, we’re already aware of it. He was right that I was fat. Hell, the BMI says I’m obese for God’s sake.

I’m lucky in that, even at 40, I could wake up any day and jog 5 miles, so I did that. Then I jogged another 5 and then another and then 8 and then 10 and then I ran a 13.1 mile half marathon and I’m damn proud of it.

I’ve lost between 20 and 30 pounds depending on the day of the week, and you know what? Little bastard hasn’t said a word about it!

I hate to share links in comments, but since it’s Kristi, I am going to. It’s the post where my boy calls me fat and I’m riding a kids bike like a fat circus bear. Good stuff maybe.

http://donofalltrades.com/2013/05/29/fatty-gonna-lose-some-weight/

Sorry my comment was all me me me! Your story was touching and I enjoyed it. Hopefully, you wan’t have to explain your relationship to your partner to your son because it’ll just be accepted as normal. I know that’s not likely, but here’s to hoping!November 13, 2013 – 10:54 amReplyCancel
Katia - I was reading this through a constant lump in my throat. The reasons for the lump kept changing. I identify so much with your excitement over getting the party invite! I identify with the hurt of hearing someone you love being brutally honest. I identify with the the hurt being even more overwhelming due to the fact that part of the reason you’re being criticized has to do with your status as a mommy. You wrote a beautiful love-driven post that will touch many people.November 13, 2013 – 11:05 amReplyCancel
Janine Huldie - My heart was breaking a bit here for how honest you were and know that when the day comes that either one or both of my girls are embarrassed by me (because let’s face it teenage girls are the worst and notorious for this) not sure how I will handle it, but will try to remember your words and know that this too should hopefully pass. Thank you seriously for sharing here with us today.November 13, 2013 – 11:15 amReplyCancel
JenKehl - My Skewed View - Kelly you are so amazing! And you are not alone, in the years I have been dealing with my stress and issues over EVERYTHING not just Isaiah I have gained 40 lbs. Yesterday Isaiah actually pushed my ever growing chin and said, “What’s this mommy?” and smirked.
You are right, we could make better choices, and should. But it is just as important to teach our kids not to look at the outside of a person, but to see the amazingness on the inside.
Thank you so much for sharing this.November 13, 2013 – 12:43 pmReplyCancel
Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Wow! I feel compelled to comment, but not sure exactly what to say. I think you are brave to share this story on so many levels. I appreciate your son’s honesty and yours. It is tough to hear criticism from people we love, but it is even tougher to own it the way you have here. Bravo!November 13, 2013 – 1:21 pmReplyCancel
Kenya G. Johnson - Your ending made me smile. Love the way this was written. Thank you for sharing your story at Our Land. Looking forward to hearing from you again.November 13, 2013 – 1:43 pmReplyCancel
Mytwicebakedpotato - Twitter Friends,
I am moved by your support and kind words. I wrote this and took a long time deciding if I would share it. Our Land seemed like the perfect place 😉November 13, 2013 – 1:44 pmReplyCancel
Emily - A very honest post that I’m sure was hard to write. Thank you for sharing this. I think the fact that children have no filter and say what they really think can be a good thing, but also sometimes hurtful. I have two teenagers now who are definitely in that stage where they are not thrilled to be seen in public with me and if we bump into someone they know, they are horrified. I know it’s not quite the same thing as you’re describing here, but I do understand the hurt.November 13, 2013 – 2:31 pmReplyCancel
Tamara - Ah, our kids. They are our biggest supporters AND biggest critics. I think that way a lot to get more bravery with my career. I think about how just that morning, I was called a “stupid head” and told that my hair is dumb, so chances are, no clients or potential clients will say that to me.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
I was very moved by your story. And I know you have your speech ready about your son having two moms, but I hope you never have to use it!November 13, 2013 – 5:13 pmReplyCancel
Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - Oh wow, this is so beautifully honest. It’s hard that our children’s awareness of appearances and sense of self-consciousness coincides with our entrance into middle age and a time when our bodies are not what they used to be, but you are so brave to recognize there are things you can change… Thanks for sharing this with us.November 13, 2013 – 5:20 pmReplyCancel
Maggie Amada - Kelly, I have to say you’re pretty awesome for reacting the way you did with your son. You sound like a very understanding and self-aware person who owns her own choices.

I struggle with the question of what’s a tough person and this, to me, exemplifies it. Being a strong person is not about mouthing off or practicing wicked martial arts (as so often happens in TV and books). There are few things tougher in life than facing ourselves. Bravo to you!November 13, 2013 – 5:44 pmReplyCancel
Considerer - Ack, that’s harsh. It’s not great when kids speak without the filters we grow so used to as adults. But I love that you’re going to try to honour his viewpoint and his embarrassment by getting into better shape 🙂 That’s very cool of you, and a wonderfully affirming way (for him) for you to respond.

That’s doing parenting RIGHT 🙂 Hats off to you.November 13, 2013 – 5:57 pmReplyCancel
Mytwicebakedpotato - Oh yes…hard to hear but it came from a place of honesty and for that…I couldn’t be mad. I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself. Still working on it! 🙂November 13, 2013 – 7:02 pmReplyCancel
Considerer - No…not a thing it would be possible to be mad at him about. And it must’ve taken him a lot of courage to tell you that, really. Well done you for working on it 🙂November 13, 2013 – 7:09 pmReplyCancel
Dana - How difficult it must have been to hear those words from your son, Kelly. The hurtful comments I’ve received from my children have cut the deepest. Kudos to you for responding as you did. My bet is that when you have to have the two mom conversation, you will knock it out of the park!November 13, 2013 – 7:56 pmReplyCancel
Mytwicebakedpotato - I hope so! 🙂November 13, 2013 – 8:23 pmReplyCancel
Rachel - Kelly, this post is just so deep and real. You hit every bit of the complexity that we face as parents. We want our kids to be honest, yet respectful of other people’s feelings. We want to let them know when they have hurt us. We want to model for our kids that we own the things that we are responsible for, and that they should do the same. We want them to learn that what’s on the inside is more important than the outside. Wow, each one of these conflicting pieces was there in your experience with your son and in your writing about it. So hard and, yet, so human. Thank you for sharing.November 13, 2013 – 9:45 pmReplyCancel
Mytwicebakedpotato - Thank you for the kind words and glad it touched you 🙂November 13, 2013 – 10:16 pmReplyCancel
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Just loved this, Kelly. In the research I did when writing my Our Land piece on self-compassion, I came across an assertion that self-compassion is not about eating the extra ice cream sundae; it’s about realizing that the extra ice cream sundae is not good for you in the long run. Six pounds down… many more to go. Thank you for sharing this wonderful, heartbreaking story. We love our children so much; they could never understand their power to wound us. xo.November 13, 2013 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel
Jessica - This must have been so hard, Kelly. Can I tell you that the main reason I lost about 35 lbs last year is because I didn’t want that moment to happen to me? I wanted to be a good role model for my son, but selfishly, I didn’t want him to be embarrassed by me, either (although, I am sure he’ll still be able to find *plenty* of things to be embarrassed about). Weight has just always been a really sensitive area for me, because I was always teased about it. I love your attitude about this, though. We love our kids and want to know what they are thinking and feeling… even if it doesn’t feel so good. Great post!November 13, 2013 – 11:44 pmReplyCancel
jamie@southmainmuse - I know it hurt — but don’t take it too personally. I just think it’s a kid thing. I think I’m a pretty okay mom. I set boundaries but let them have much more freedom than I did while growing up. But to my youngest — I’m the old mom. He tells me that his friends mention how old I am. Sure it hurts but I just roll with it. I know I thought there were ways my parents didn’t fit in either. hugs.November 14, 2013 – 1:22 pmReplyCancel
Mytwicebakedpotato - Thanks for the reminders 🙂November 14, 2013 – 3:53 pmReplyCancel
Sandy Ramsey - I am always amazed upon reflection that anyone can say something to me about my appearance or my attitude, anything really, and I can brush it off completely. Let it come from one of my children and it crushes my heart and soul like a weak tin can. Children are most times honest to a fault and it can sting. I’m sorry that you were hurt and I love your post. It was sad but it was beautifully honest.November 18, 2013 – 9:44 amReplyCancel
Linda Atwell - Out One Ear - Ouch! I remember, years ago, when I owned a national craft business. I painted various craft items all the time so I wore oversized T-shirts and baggy sweat pants with colorful paint stains all over them. When I made a mistake on the craft I created, I’d wipe my hands on my pants. “Save the product,” was my motto! I wore them to my warehouse, around town, and to my kids school conferences. After awhile, I became comfortable with my clothes, never feeling publicly awkward with my work “look.” Once I overheard my kids making excuses for my clothes and boy did it hurt. I didn’t want my children to feel embarrassment because of me. When I had to go out in public, I started bringing a change of clothes to work so I could change when I needed to go out and about.

I’m sure my kids didn’t mean to hurt my feelings just like I’m sure your son didn’t mean to hurt yours. Thanks for a great post.November 19, 2013 – 8:59 pmReplyCancel