Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

As seasons and the whole time moving forward thing tend to do, this Fall came without my permission. At the end of the summer, I longed to freeze the days before kindergarten, and found myself grieving moments of my little boy’s barely-five-year-old self while he was still being his barely-five-year-old self. I was anxious about him […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • zoe - HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT THING!? ( NO, I mean the long eared thing… just kidding…. what the eff is that?) Tucker looks very reasonably reticent in that photo! Showing good judgement once again…more than I can say for mommy pushing him to pose with that freaky thing! ahahhahaa…. hey cool about the fireman and way cool that he is afraid of villains in life size form… what’s wrong with that? Smart kid!October 26, 2014 – 9:10 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH Zoe!! It’s the freakiest looking cat of all time!!! Seriously! Although when I was laughing like a loon, and my husband asked me why, I showed him the photo (because Tucker’s face!!!) and he was like “um, that’s not a cat.” DUH!! That’s what makes it FUNNY!!! Also shit. I meant to include my awesome new book in this post. FUCK. Am going to update now. I’m SUCH a moron.October 26, 2014 – 10:21 pmReplyCancel

      • zoe - So …no moron cuz im reading your reply thinking…. “she has a new book?!”October 26, 2014 – 11:45 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH awesome. And yes, yes I do. A most beautiful treasured one by my lovely awesome friend.October 26, 2014 – 11:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - I totally chaperoned the Halloween Party at Emma’s school on Friday night and am finally getting to volunteer for the class pumpkin picking/hayride trip tomorrow, as it got rained out last Thursday here. So, excited and seeing your pics only made it that much more real for me, too. And by the way, Emma held my hand going from game station to game station at the party Friday night and like you know a time will come when this too shall pass, but also like you enjoying it all while I can right now. And saying some extra prayers tonight that Tucker is feeling better tomorrow now again.October 26, 2014 – 9:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Janine,
      I’m so glad to read that you chaperoned the Halloween Party for Emma’s class too! I so get the hand holding. It’s like we miss it already, even though we have it, because we also know it’s going to go away at some point… sigh. Thanks so much too for the prayers – so far, we’re not all the way there yet but I know it’ll be soon!October 27, 2014 – 8:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Dyanne @ I Want Backsies - These are all Good Things! Yes, there’s stuff that you need to do, but he’ll only go to the fire station ONE TIME as a kindergartener, and before you know it, he’ll think stormtroopers are babyish (by the way, love the way he keeps a little distance between himself and the stormtrooper in the picture). And that’s why we spend a gazillion dollars on gas and drive to all my daughter’s volleyball games, even when they’re three hours away, because the window of opportunity for this kind of stuff is only open for a short amount of time, and then it slides closed. My baseboards can wait until then. So can my basement and the hall closet.

    I love how the firefighters show the kids how they look in their regular uniform, then let the kids watch them put on all the gear. They dressed me up two years in a row when they visited preschool. It really is good for the kids to see them and HEAR them, because that Darth Vader sound is CREEPY!October 26, 2014 – 10:24 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think they’re all Good Things, too Dyanne! And yes! Only ONE TIME for all of the things that we’ll so miss. Also I remember when my parents didn’t encourage me to do some of the stuff and I stewed on it for years, so it goes both ways, I think.
      I really liked how the firefighters handled it as well and was really thankful that they said that to the kids because it’s not something I’d EVER have thought of!! How scary a fireman is if you’re hiding under your bed???
      Darth Vader sound? Still creeps me out!October 27, 2014 – 8:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Vanessa D. - I’m not sure I would stand next to that thing for a picture. What is it and does it have fleas? It really looks like it would have fleas. When my guys were little, I used to always dread summer vacation and it was always over so fast I think I spent more time dreading it than living it. I’m not looking forward to the short cold days of winter either, but I am looking forward to those magic days when each one is noticeably longer that come after.October 26, 2014 – 10:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Vanessa,
      Yeah, I’m not sure I would either. Tucker was being a good sport though, and it was this disgusting puppet thing that probably DID have fleas!!! I hear you about the magic longer days, too. Sigh.October 27, 2014 – 8:48 pmReplyCancel

  • clark - (to paraphrase an old joke)…. “I was talking to the the Bill the Cat look-a-like, not you, doofus”*

    Actually, now that I think of it, I loved Bill the Cat (from the no-longer running Bloom County) (which is/was my second favorite comic strip) after Calvin and Hobbes, of course.

    Funny how parent often miss the things that kids find scary (along with the things that a kid finds funny)…. I remain half-traumatized by a movie my parents made me see (“It’s a Disney movie! They understand children!”) ‘Darby O’Gill and the Little People’ (it had this banshee scene that had me awake for 6 weeks…. thanks parental-units!)

    lol….
    oh and btw? most of us 5 to 15 (or 47) year old people from Y Chromeville…. like the fireman duds ’cause we’re thinking how cool it would be to run around scaring everyone with the face mask and gloves and shit….

    that zoe….

    *I trust that isn’t your friend or anythingOctober 27, 2014 – 7:51 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH I loved Bill the Cat too!! My best friend and roommate for YEARS (and the subject when I talk about the walk of shame, etc) had forever a dog named Zonker – from that comic!!
      I totally didn’t miss it as far as the scary BUT that dude had tapped me on the shoulder with that creepy puppet like four times and finally I decided it’d be a funny photo but yeah. Tucker was pissed or annoyed and his face in the pic is AWESOME to say the least.
      Firemen are hot. Usually. Sometimes. More often in our minds than in reality but still, they like carry our fat asses out of burning buildings and shit so that’s got a good A in my book.

      hahah um, yeah, that zoe.October 27, 2014 – 8:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - I so feel all of these feels. October is gone. I’m looking at my kids and realizing how much bigger they are and how fast they are changing and I want time to slow down. But it’s probably my mind that needs to slow down, and my body, to take time to enjoy these fast fleeting moments. You did good, Mama! Wonderful, wonderful things in here.

    I will say that that thing you made your boy stand next to (cat??? really????) is pretty frightening and I would probably have had the same reaction as Tucker!October 27, 2014 – 8:53 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sandy.
      Weep. I’m feeling really sad about October almost being gone as well although I LOVE LOVE LOVE trick-or-treating with Tucker so there’s that still. And candy. But yeah. HAHAH to the cat. I just said cat because the whole day I thought it was a dog in costume and it turned out to be a puppet and cat seemed so much funnier than dog ya know? Because cats are usually not scary. I love his face in that photo though!October 27, 2014 – 8:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Ewwww please tell me that cat thing is fake. I am so glad I didn’t look at this post in the middle of the night – which I tend to do sometimes. Whew!

    Aside from that freak of a cat, I loved this post. Tucker did Rock his pose with the Storm Trooper.

    As for the season – this is the best one. Tuck the muffin top into jeans that come above your belly button and wear a sweater – no one is the wiser about the mom jeans underneath.October 27, 2014 – 9:07 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kenya, it was totally fake. It was like some puppet-thing but it took me seeing it like four times to realize that it wasn’t a dog wearing a mask because it looked REAL. I thought it was funny to call it a cat because dogs can be scary in real life but not so much cats… and Tucker’s been asking for a cat (which ain’t happening as mama is allergic).
      I need new mama jeans, I think!!!October 27, 2014 – 8:54 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - Aaaah you got me. I am not looking at the picture again to determine whether or not it looks fake but you totally sold me on it being the scariest or freakiest cat ever. LOL!!!!October 27, 2014 – 9:11 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Sorry so much! I really was just trying to be funny because in the daylight – while that thing was scary – it was also whatever, ya know?October 28, 2014 – 12:17 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I feel like October has flown by, and we haven’t done any fall-ish things yet! Well, there was Homecoming this past weekend, and Ravens games, but we really need to get to a farm. This weekend, I hope.

    Storm troopers and freaky looking “cats” and firemen are all awesome things to be thankful for. But mostly the look on Tucker’s face next to that cat thing – I may just glance at that many times today. Priceless!October 27, 2014 – 10:29 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - October and THIS YEAR have flown by! I feel like it was just a couple of months ago that I was whining about having 11 snow days, and now, it’s past summer and almost past fall. Sigh. Let me know what farm you go to and if it’s 1/2-way between here and there!! I know our kids have different interests but everybody loves apple picking right?
      And yeah, I love that photo of Tucker and the cat thing too 🙂October 27, 2014 – 8:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle - I love the pictures…although that last one looks like something that would want to eat your soul.October 27, 2014 – 10:51 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think so too Michelle!! Poor kid who is mine beloved for real, I promise. It was a good photo op though right?October 27, 2014 – 8:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi - I remember visiting a fire station when my kids were little, and being thankful for that same “Don’t hide from us” speech. It was something I had never thought about, either. It must be a common problem, though.October 27, 2014 – 11:04 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kristi – Seriously I’d never thought of that either and was so so appreciative that they said something. Not only did they say something, but now I know what to say!October 27, 2014 – 8:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - There are so many things I read here that I nodded and “uh-huh-ed” about as I went through your list. I’ll never not worry. I hate when it gets dark early. I am not looking forward to squeezing into my winter clothes that I was really hoping would be too big on me this year…so much. I get it.
    I love that the fireman told those kids not to be afraid if they ever saw them…you don’t think about things like that! Good info!
    It is so easy to get lost in the “wow, I wasted all that time on…” instead of remembering why those things were important in that moment. Life’s too short to live with regret so I try to avoid that. It’s why I love the TToT, I think, because it keeps the focus on the good, not the perceived bad.October 27, 2014 – 12:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG we’ll never not worry? I guess that’s true. I worry about how little I worried before I was a mom though, ya know? I mean, really, I was too reckless.
      I hate the not having winter clothes feel LOOSE like they were supposed to by now! UGH. I really thought.
      I have a tattoo on my ankle from um (OMG I AM OLD) 24 years ago that says “DIE WITH NO REGRETS.” I wish I knew what I was talking about then but now, I’m glad I had an idea… and yeah, focus on the good.October 27, 2014 – 10:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Chronicallysickmanicmother - I love that the fireman took the time to let them know they may look scary but not to hide.

    I always find it so hilarious when something they are obsesssed with at home and you think they will love in person….not so much. Cracks me up everytime!

    Also… Yes that is the scarriest looking animal ever.October 27, 2014 – 12:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree that the fireman telling them that they need to call out rather than being scared is HUGE because who would have thought!!! And haha to the stuff we think they’ll love. I guess we’re still figuring it out.October 27, 2014 – 11:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Priya - These are cool things to do! And that cat really is scary. 🙂October 27, 2014 – 2:19 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - This fall has gone by so, so quickly! Even my daughter said today, “It’s already October 27?!?” I need to remember, too, to look forward to what’s ahead and not just be sad over what’s behind (although I am having an exceptionally hard time with that today because of stuff I cannot/will not say in a public comment.) 🙁 Anyway, I’m glad you had a great October and I don’t blame Tucker one bit for the look he is giving you in the picture beside the creepy rabbit cat-thing holder guy! XOXOOctober 27, 2014 – 7:26 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh Lisa!!
      I guess we all need to remember what’s ahead and not behind… which is so damn HARD. (I almost used the f word so um well)
      I’m so sorry about the stuff you can’t say in a public comment (will DM) and well, we mostly had a good October but it has been full of me being SAD because OMG where does this time GO GO GO ???October 27, 2014 – 11:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Camille - My daughter was the same way when we went to Disney. She loves Mickey Mouse and all the princesses usually, but refused to even look at them when she got the chance to meet them in person! Now I try to prep her beforehand whenever we go somewhere. We talk about what it will be like a lot, that helps I think. 🙂October 28, 2014 – 9:19 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Camille, I guess I should have spoken to him a lot more about what we’d see before we went. He was scared of these guys that he falls asleep holding in his hands!!October 28, 2014 – 7:58 pmReplyCancel

  • My Inner Chick - I WANT those days back! I want to go on the field trips, help out in class, peek thru the windows when he doesn’t see me. I want……

    Savor. Love. Appreciate. The NOW.

    Btw, I despise the days getting darker. I am leaving for work in the BLACKness of the morning.

    xxxxxxxxxx Kiss from MN.

    PS. LOve the photos!!!!!!!October 28, 2014 – 12:16 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for the reminder, Kim. There are days when I’m like “I can’t!” but mostly, I’ve been saying “YES I CAN” and rearranging my schedule because I already miss them and they’re not even yet gone.. kisses back, you.October 28, 2014 – 7:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Every time David does fire prevention he gives the kids (and parents) a comment along those lines of we look and sound scary but I promise we are not. He then gets into his gear in front of them so they kids get it.

    I am so freaking glad you had a positive field trip and not mine of nightmares. I think it is so cool that you find these little miracles when others might focus on what went wrong instead.

    Cause A LOT could go wrong on a field trip with 5YOs.October 28, 2014 – 12:59 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think that’s awesome that David gives the kids and parents about not being afraid when they come in with all of their gear. It honestly never occurred to me that if this place were full of smoke, that Tucker would be hiding and NOT telling a scary looking darth vader dude where he was! I still don’t know that he would, but I was glad the guy said that.
      And yeah, some stuff went wrong. But mostly? It went right.October 28, 2014 – 8:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Susan Zutautas - I love to see Tucker having so much fun!October 28, 2014 – 6:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - Well, that last photo made me laugh a lot, mostly because Tucker’s expression is awesome! And the other photos made me all nostalgic and sentimental about field trips because this is my last year of chaperoning any field trips…I’m not sure if that makes me happy or sad, probably because the last field trip for the 5th graders this year involves a parent chaperoning them to Philadelphia..it’s a long-ass day – arriving at the school at 5:30am – riding the bus to Phillie, touring with the kids all day, and then riding the bus back to NY. I’m exhausted just thinking about it, and may have to draw straws with my husband to see who goes on that trip. 🙂October 28, 2014 – 9:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Emily! I know! That last photo of Tucker is simply awesome and really, if I’d noticed his face before snapping the 2 second photo, because that’s how long they last, I’d never have even made him pose! But I asked if he wanted to and he said yes or close enough, and well!
      Ugh to the field trip thing. I’ve taken the day off on Friday because it’s the kindergarten parade at school with a 2 hour early release and part of me is like OMG I don’t have time for this and part of me is like um yeah, I have to…October 29, 2014 – 11:18 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - The photo with the scary cat is priceless – his expression! So funny. And the advice from the fire fighters is really terrific. I don’t know if my son ever heard that advice – I will ask him.October 29, 2014 – 2:53 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I know! I love the photo and the advice from the fire fighters!! I’d NEVER have thought of that in a billion years and I’m not sure it would be remembered by my son but for sure I’m going to talk to him about it!!October 29, 2014 – 11:19 pmReplyCancel

  • Allie - Kristi, I am dreading the “how am I going to get everything done?” day – but fear they are already upon ,me. I am drowning in to-dos, and I am supposed to be changing my outlook and “skinny dipping!” Tuckers face with the scary cat? Priceless.October 29, 2014 – 9:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH Allie, to Tucker’s face!! And yeah, who told you to skinny dip? It’s awesome but not always the best way. Sometimes, we need clothes and stuff to cover our ugly hairies. Other times though, strip it down, sistah. Ugh to the getting everything done. We just can’t. We have to pick and choose.October 29, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - This is so cute! Everyone with their hayride and farm adventures is making me so excited to take JR one day. I found one near us and though we won’t be able to go until probably December, I’m hoping that he will love it! Too funny the pick of Tucker with his scrunchy face and your caption about making him take that photo! 🙂October 30, 2014 – 3:08 amReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - I love how you live with full intention Kristi!! I love every bit of this post!!! Oh wait- NOT that creepy monstrous creature that man is holding though…

    I swear I have stared at it several times (Been here too many times and didn’t get the chance to comment!!!) and I just can’t wrap my mind or eyes around that thing.

    Oh. My. WORD!!!October 30, 2014 – 11:29 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah @Thank You Honey - Tuckers faces says it all! What an exciting month without Halloween! Cute post!October 30, 2014 – 6:35 pmReplyCancel

Today’s Our Land post was authored by my fairly new friend Dawn of W.T.F. Words Thoughts Feelings. Dawn is honest, real, and possesses the type of bravery with her words that will make this world of ours more connected and less alone. When she asked me to share her story and new project in the Our Land […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Angel The Alien - I remember reading somewhere a story about a man who’d been sexually abused by his father as a child, and it took his wife years to convince him that it was safe, and normal, for him to help give his small children a bath or change their diapers, because he was so afraid that he’d do something to abuse them. I hope your anthology helps many people to speak out!October 21, 2014 – 7:32 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - I think that type of situation is very common among survivors. In the man’s case you talk about, having a wife that was willing to support him and work at convincing him “for years”, that unfortunately is not so common. I think having children triggers something inside of us, and it is inevitable that the effects of our own abuse will effect how we are able to parent. We want parent survivors to feel less alone in this process. Thank you for reading and responding. ~DawnOctober 21, 2014 – 9:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Angel, I’m watching a show right now that has the same issue (Ray Donovan) for one of the boys in it. It’s heartbreaking. I agree that I hope Dawn’s anthology helps so so many people. I know it will.October 22, 2014 – 10:51 pmReplyCancel

  • anon - How do you start the whole thing because I usually comment on kristi’s posts but had to read this one a bunch and share it with my cousin because we were both raped by him but he was only a few years older then us so we never felt like it was abuse? I am in therapy and she can’t date at all and neither of us have kids and our parents didn’t even believe us and her mom even said that she shouldn’t have been playing in the basement with him? so I think I just want to know where to start because I couldn’t write in a book or anything but need to know how to get help but I’m so embarrassed because I a little bit let him by playing the game?October 21, 2014 – 9:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - If you are in therapy already, I would say that is the first step. Recovery is a long and difficult process and is different for everyone. However, what is the same for all of us is the shame and hurt. I believe that is what makes us stagnant in recovery for so very long. Be honest with yourself and your therapist. Remember, don’t apologize for your feelings regarding the abuse. You are entitled to authentically feel whatever you are feeling. And reach out to others through social groups. Sometimes it is easier to type than talk. Much love to you.October 21, 2014 – 9:39 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Anon, please do hang in there and yes, so much love to you.October 22, 2014 – 10:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - So brave! Thanks you for sharing your story.October 21, 2014 – 10:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you for reading, Lisa. This is a difficult to write about but also to even read, so I thank you very much.October 22, 2014 – 7:15 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa, thank you!October 22, 2014 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

  • me me - Is it abuse if I tried to see what it was like with my brother when i was 7 and he was 5 because our mom beat us with the belt but i didn’t think it was anything bad but maybe, the fact that her brother was doodling on me was something?Or maybe I am crazy.October 21, 2014 – 10:49 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - You’re not crazy. I must say though, being a survivor makes me an expert on my own experience, but we are all different. It sounds like you need to work with a therapist that you trust and that you have built a relationship with, in order to figure out what you are struggling with. And definitely reach out on-line. You are not alone and a lot of discussion can be made anonymously. Take care of yourself.October 22, 2014 – 7:24 amReplyCancel

      • Kristi Campbell - me me – I agree with Dawn that a therapist would help and I’d also say that there’s the “norm” of playing doctor at ages 7 and 5 but that your mom and her brother parts of it sound much more complicated. I so hope you’ll reach out – to me, if you’d like, or to Dawn or to somebody. It sounds like you really need to talk to somebody and I’m so very sorry for what you’re feeling. I hope that you can realize – like Dawn said – that you’re definitely not alone. We are here, and we are listening. And we care, so much.October 22, 2014 – 10:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - another brave piece. another brave woman. You have the best guest bloggers. I will be checking this young lady’s work out. She definitely needs to be heard. Eight years. Eight years floored me. I hope the person was caught and prosecuted.October 22, 2014 – 2:59 amReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Linda~ Even having lived the abuse for eight years, it still gives me a punch to the gut when I write it or say it out loud. That’s why pictures of me as a young girl, like the one I shared in the post, are so damn tough to look at. As far as my abuser…I got handed a plane ticket to NY at 14 when the abuse came to light and he just continued with his life. He divorced my sister, got remarried and “found Jesus”. Unfortunately, in the case of sex abuse, the offender very rarely is persecuted. Thank you so much for reading this piece.October 22, 2014 – 8:02 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree, Linda, most especially that Dawn needs to be heard. Eight years. I know. It breaks my heart. And when it comes to guest bloggers, you know you are welcome whenever you’re ready to say whatever it is that you want to say for Our Land.October 22, 2014 – 10:59 pmReplyCancel

      • out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Thanks Kristi–I’m trying to think of something awesome enough for Our Land. Once I find it, I’ll be writing you.October 22, 2014 – 11:54 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Everything you write is awesome. I know you’ll share the perfect thing to add to this place of trying to make the world better…October 23, 2014 – 12:34 amReplyCancel

  • Allie @ The LKM - Wow, that is very powerful. Dawn, my heart goes out to you. I am certain that your courage in sharing your story will help other survivors!October 22, 2014 – 9:02 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - You are so brave for sharing your story and I think what you are doing with your anthology is wonderful because you will help other victims of abuse. I can see how shame will keep people from coming forward, but I hope that others are as courageous as you.October 22, 2014 – 10:11 amReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Supportive comments like yours, Emily, are what’s keeping me going on this journey. Thank you so much.October 22, 2014 – 11:34 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree Emily. Thank you!October 22, 2014 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - You are so very brave in sharing your story. It is so very difficult for me. Once in a while I catch myself in how I deal with my children. I wish you much luck on your journey and success on the new ventureOctober 22, 2014 – 12:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you, Kerri, for reading and responding. I think it is difficult for all of us. Most won’t even admit that it DID happen to them, let alone are able to see the effects of the abuse within their parenting. Thank you so much for your support. Please, if you find that you want to say more on this topic, consider submitting a piece for the anthology.October 22, 2014 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kerri!!! NO NO NO!!! I do not want this to be true. And I’m so so so sorry 🙁 Fucking assholes who take advantage of kids!!!October 22, 2014 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I’m sharing this. I hope that the anthology is very successful and that more people are brave enough to share so that so many people won’t have to come up empty like Dawn did. Bravo to Dawn and Joyelle for taking on this project.October 22, 2014 – 3:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you for sharing, Kenya. My first thoughts about starting this project were just what you said, I don’t want anyone to go looking for help, and find nothing available to them.October 22, 2014 – 10:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thank you Kenya. I hope it’s amazingly successful as well. I feel like it will be because everybody needs to know that abuse is NOT THEIR FAULT and that they are not alone…October 22, 2014 – 11:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I’m so glad you did share.
    I’m not a survivor of any kind of abuse, but I do have trauma from my past that triggered PTSD from the simple act of taking my daughter to kindergarten.
    Nothing could have prepared me for having panic reactions to something so simple, but it happened. It happens.October 22, 2014 – 4:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - It seems to always be the simple things that trigger. And usually the moments that we are supposed to feel gratitude for or love surrounding. PTSD, no matter the route that led you there, is brutal. It truly can rob you. Thank you for understanding the importance of this project and for your support, Tamara.October 22, 2014 – 10:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It does happen, Tamara and thank you so much for sharing. I am so impressed with Dawn for doing this project, it just gets me times a bazillion that people are silent when they so need to connect!October 22, 2014 – 11:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - It breaks my heart that you went thorough this as a child. How very brave of you to share your story and touch the lives of others who have the same, painful memories of abuse.October 24, 2014 – 10:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Marcia ~ I’m so sorry for the untimely response first off. Thank you so much for commenting. Every time I post about this topic, the response I receive is so humbling and drives me to keep talking. Your encouragement is so very appreciated.November 3, 2014 – 6:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Piroska - It is so important to have a voice. To obliterate the shame that keeps us from talking about it.
    As a child, I was so quiet. In so many photographs of me, from babyhood to 4 years old, I have my eyes closed. I always wondered why, until one day I realized that I had wanted to be invisible.
    See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.
    Silent, no more!

    Thank you for sharing your story.November 4, 2014 – 9:32 amReplyCancel

In many ways, writing has been a saving grace for me. I started to blog here on Finding Ninee when my son Tucker was just three years old and a new attendee in a preschool autism classroom (PAC). Back then, I was overwhelmed, navigating the new waters of transitioning from Early Intervention to a special […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Kenya G. Johnson - This is wonderful Kristi. Can you even imagine who you’d be if Tucker was Tucker and how many people who wouldn’t have been touched and learned so much by the both of you? I think it’s working – I think y’all are working.October 16, 2014 – 10:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kenya,
      Without who Tucker is, I cannot imagine who I’d be and I’m not even sure that I’d be able to call myself a writer, today, as I don’t think I’d have entered this blog world. Or, if I did, it’d be so different and how icky to think that it may have meant that I’d never have the tribe that I do (as in you). And, thank you. You saying that we’re working is big huge. I appreciate it so much.October 17, 2014 – 11:58 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - I feel the same way. Even though I wrote before and aspired to be an author – I say the having Christopher definitely made me rediscover myself.October 21, 2014 – 10:00 amReplyCancel

  • Allie - When you figure it out, will you let me know:)? I don’t know the answer either. Because after I posted about Bear a few weeks ago – I felt like I jinxed myself. And when I finally post this weeks FTSF (it’s been a crazy week – it’s written, but I need to sleep on it), I’m not sure if it was cool to write it – and it’s not abut autism!!! But seriously – I GET t! Tucker is walking the fence and you want him on one side, and I truly believe that’s where he’ll be – but talking about the other side, could mess it up for him….October 16, 2014 – 10:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - SIGH Allie. Yes, if I EVER figure it out – which seems doubtful – I will absolutely share. Also your FTSF was perfect and well yeah, Tucker’s so walking the fence. I saw both sides of it today during a field trip with him. I will *have to* (or not) write about it all soon…October 18, 2014 – 12:00 amReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Aww, Kristi I was actually thinking about you today knowing that the field trip was this week. I know it is going to be a wonderful trip and can honestly say all will see Tucker for the sweet amazing little boy he is, because quite simply that is just Tucker – perfect in his own way 😉October 16, 2014 – 10:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Janine, it was today and it really WAS awesome but well, I could see the benefits of both sides of this post and sharing any of it online is scary, right? But yeah, he’s perfectly Tucker…October 18, 2014 – 12:06 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - Kristi, as far as posting or not posting his pictures that is completely understandable on your questioning it. Whatever you decide please know that this reader will look at and read your blog with the same amazement and joy as I always have. Another thing occurred to me while reading this in your message and sharing and working hard for the cause of autism with him – your writing and presentation is always absolutely PERFECT in my book. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Lastly, you share a love story between you and Tucker and it’s one that I absolutely love. Thank you for letting me in as a reader 🙂October 17, 2014 – 1:30 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Mike!!!
      Could you BE a better commenter? No, no you could not because thank you so so much for wanting to know more about my little boy, and our life together and well, for all of it. Thank you for wanting in. For real.October 18, 2014 – 12:12 amReplyCancel

  • Lana - Just the fact that you’re giving this so much “thoughtful” thought is wonderful. I love reading about your son because he reminds me so much of my 15 year old nephew. I also struggled with what/how much to share when I started blogging. My kids are older, so I was able to have a discussion with them about it, and I always run things past them if I’m blogging about them. Personally, I think you have already found the perfect balance in your writing about your son.October 17, 2014 – 1:48 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lana, THANK YOU! I so very much appreciate you saying that I’ve found a balance in writing and sharing, I’m still not sure where this will all end up and well, I am grateful for your perspective on it so much.October 18, 2014 – 12:23 amReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - I can totally see your dilemma. I do wonder then about your experiences. Have they ever felt bad for Tucker because someone was making fun of him or do you just think about times that you’ve seen people make fun of other children and you just don’t want that for him? I wonder about this only because you sharing with all of us and with your friends, it seems based on what you write that many have surprised you with how wonderful they treat Tucker despite what delays they might see that he has. So I wonder if you continuing the way you have could actually be a positive thing and could open them up to see what special needs truly is not and so they can see how normal and wonderful he truly is. At the same time, I can totally see how you would be concerned about how the label could negatively affect how people perceive him too. In the end, you seem to think things through so nicely that I’m so positive you will find a balance where you feel comfortable.October 17, 2014 – 4:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Brittnei,
      So far, as far as I know, nobody has really made fun of him. It’s more that now, he’s in a mainstreamed class at kindergarten, and I can see that the other kids are so much more ahead in language and writing and drawing and interacting. Tucker loves to play but he is a little more awkward about it I guess, unless it’s something he gets – like tag. He’s super cute about engaging with friends but I have seen him try to connect and be ignored. Mostly, at this point, it’s just me worrying, maybe, although I am not sure about that. I agree with you that it’s important to share because he IS normal, even with some challenges – all kids are and I think that’s an important message but I also worry about labeling him if that makes sense.
      And thank you for getting it and for your friendship!!October 18, 2014 – 12:42 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I think you and your blog and Tucker have done some wonderful things. Even as a former special needs teacher who taught kids just like Tucker, you have given me new perspectives and new ways to think about kids/moms/families who have special needs. A big part of that has been your willingness to be open and to show that Tucker is just as much “typical” as his is “not typical.” That being said, I get it. As our kids get older, it is harder and harder to figure out what to share and what to keep off the internet. I struggled with this topic today and, in the end, went completely off the deep end in a different direction with my post!October 17, 2014 – 8:19 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa. Thank you. I do think it’s important to be open and honest but well…. I know that you get the other side of it too and that you touched on it in your own FTSF post today… and yeah, this internet place. It’s amazing and awesome but also scary and well, yeah. And by the way your post was perfect!!!October 18, 2014 – 12:50 amReplyCancel

  • Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom - I think you nailed this privacy-sharing issue on the head – that it is so complicated, so emotional, and so personal. And that sometimes it shouldn’t be, and I wish it wasn’t, but yet it is. I love that you found support and healing by sharing and I love the photos of your little boy. He looks perfect to me and when you describe his struggles and I see the pictures, I still think he is the perfect version of him that he is supposed to be.October 17, 2014 – 9:04 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thank you so much, Katy!!! He IS perfect, and who he is and yeah… I’m not sure about the privacy thing either. I hate that we even need to have the discussion but I also know how important it really is.October 18, 2014 – 12:53 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - You are so right about the label issue being a tricky one. I was fiercely protective about not labeling my son, but then I discovered that in some cases (some being the key word here), it is not only hard to avoid, but necessary to label them. It sucks but it’s true. Here’s an example: I am now trying to appeal to the standardized testing people (whoever they are) to get Big Dude an extended time accommodation when he takes the ACT. I have recently had him re-evaluated by the school district in order to hopefully make this happen. The school district has told me that if I want him to have a shot at this accommodation, that we have to go with such and such label. And suddenly, I found myself saying, “fine – go with it.” And yet, when I had a conversation with my neighbor the other day (who thinks she knows all about his issues and is nosy and a know-it-all and boy do I need to rant about her), I refused to use any label with her because it’s a) none of her business and b) I felt like she was already judging him and assuming he was a certain “way” , etc. And here’s one more “yet”, and then I’ll stop. When it came time for us to share with Big Dude back when he was about 13, why he had these challenges, we gave him a label for himself because we felt that the information would be empowering to him, for him to better understand himself and hopefully deal with his challenges better. Sorry for this ridiculously long comment, and I hope a small part of it made a little sense. 🙂October 17, 2014 – 10:43 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Emily –
      YES! What you said! Recently, at Tucker’s bus stop, the following happened regarding a child who is ASD and people know I guess.
      Other Nosy Mom: I noticed “Pat’s” cute new haircut!
      Nanny: Yes, well Pat got into the scissors, so we had to take to get it cut pretty short
      Other Nosy Mom: (totally disregarding the nanny’s laughter about how Pat got the scissors) Oh! Is Pat okay with getting haircuts?
      I mean wtf. It was just a kid story. Not about the spectrum, ya know? That’s part of why I haven’t said anything to The Other Moms about it. Sigh. It’s so hard to know what to do!! And like you shared, I can see that it will just get more complicated as he gets older and needs things like longer test times. Thanks for your totally awesome comment. I always appreciate your Big Dude stories that are so inspiring and such a testament to you being an awesome mom and advocate!October 18, 2014 – 12:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Beth Siebert - Hi Kristi,

    I struggle with this as well. First I use old photos in my articles and change my son’s appearance regularly.

    But I look at the model of the gay community in the 1980(s) who were dying in droves of AIDS. We can not get politicians to say the word Autism in DC. There is absolutely limited if no therapy, treatment, schools which will take children with autism unless it is a lock down segregated institution. If we are to advocate for our children because God knows our politicians are not then we must share our lives.

    What is being done to the population with autism right now is horrible. Only when we share the inhumanity of our situation and the struggles of our lives are people forced to care. Many of them still look away or stare. Law Enfocement, who are untrained in dealing with autism, are often called to handle individuals with autism. An individual with sensory integration issues has a horrific time with the sirens and lights associated with law enforcement. This is a real issue and it is not being addressed across this nation. If anything law enforcement because they confront in an offensive sensory integration issue make the individual with autism complete have sensory overload.

    Our only hope is to educate, advocate and continue to network. You and many other families are not facing this now but I have read estimates that in the next five years law enforcement will be overwhelmed with calls about individuals with autism, It will consume them. If we continue sharing, advocating and educating that maybe a significantly less number, We are the experts in our children and even in their autism, SILENCE is our greatest foe,

    However, old pictures is not a bad idea.October 17, 2014 – 11:39 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Beth,
      I agree that silence is our greatest foe but I also think you’re right that using old photos is not a bad idea, especially as Tucker gets older. Obviously a bunch of five year olds won’t be reading this blog but their parents may stumble on it and I’d rather they not judge him without knowing him. Personally, writing about our experience has been really positive for me but I worry… a lot.
      The law enforcement issue is horrifying and frightening – people need to be so much more educated on autism and special needs in general (thinking about the horrible incident in the theater with the young man who had Downs Syndrome). I really appreciate your insight and thoughtful comment. Thank you. Here’s to us making this world of ours a better place with education and awareness.October 18, 2014 – 12:44 pmReplyCancel

  • My Inner Chick - Hi, Kristy,
    I think I told you already.
    I work in a classroom w/ 10 autistic students.
    They honestly crack me up: their honesty, perspective on life, observations, non-filters.
    For example, Tyler was going to buy all of us (GIRLS) tiaras. What was awesome about that was, he didn’t think it was funny or strange…. He just thought we deserved them! AHHHHHH.
    Being different is magical.
    Being different will change the world.
    If your son is labeled “Autistic,” it merely means he’s wonderfully and beautifully and fabulously unique.
    As for me, I was labeled, too…as a “Stutterer.”
    You see, I have too many words inside my head.
    Perhaps autistic kids do, as well.
    Love from Duluth. xxXXOctober 17, 2014 – 11:49 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You do deserve tiaras! We all do! And that’s such an awesome story!! I didn’t know that you were labeled as a stutterer but I love the imagery of having too many words in your head and that maybe autistic kids do, too. Sending love right back to you in Duluth you awesome sweet thang.October 18, 2014 – 12:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Katia - SO realatble, my beautiful friend. As i often tell you after reading your posts, I feel not very different from you in this regard. Understandably there’s am additional layer to your deliberations, but I’m becoming just as conflicted as you about sharing my kid, his vulnerabilities, sensitivities, challenges and tantrums as he grows (and I’m only referring to one kid, because I still feel quite safe when it comes to Daniel). I have no solution for this either, but I’m curious and would love to have a dialogue with you about this at some point. Whatever you do, it is so evident and clear that you are guided by all encompassing love for this incredible little boy.October 17, 2014 – 12:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Katia,
      I love your comments. And you. I’d really enjoy talking to you more about this. I think it is an issue for every parent who writes publicly – and I know exactly what you mean about still feeling safe when it comes to Daniel. It’s just easier when they’re young for some reason. I hope you’re having an excellent weekend!October 18, 2014 – 1:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Roshni - This is a struggle for me too, as with many parents, I guess. How much to put online about my kids! My older kid knows about my blog and knows what a blog is and he’s not comfortable any more about me putting his stories out there. I totally respect that and have really cut back on what I say about my kids now! Also, I’ve stopped using their photos after what I learned about stolen photos.
    I love that you started this site wit such noble and well meaning intentions, Kristi! It’s sad how easily this can be misused and I completely understand your need to protect your little boy!October 17, 2014 – 1:59 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Roshni,
      Yeah, I think it’s a struggle for all of us to are publicly “out there” with our kids. Thanks so much for getting it – I’ll have to figure the best way to keep reminding people that special needs and developmental delays are not scary and that these kids are just kids… but maybe with less photos. Which is a little bit of a bummer for me for some reason but I think probably best…October 18, 2014 – 1:57 pmReplyCancel

  • jaklumen - Hey there Kristi–

    I’m glad that you continue to write. Things are still tough for Cimmy and I figuring out resources for Boy. We haven’t been able to get ABA therapy yet, but we’ve doubled down on Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) and Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT). Yes, they are hardly autism-specific, but it’s what we can get.October 17, 2014 – 8:18 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Jaklumen,
      Sigh to you and Cimmy still figuring out resources for Boy but one thing that I do really think is that all of the therapy that helps the behaviors that you’re working on help, if that makes sense. Sometimes, it’s been the most surprising things that have helped Tucker make progress. For example, his teacher was working really hard to get him to make the sound “f.” It wasn’t working at all but he was trying. One day, he was lying upside down on the slide at the playground and he wanted my phone to see what he looked like in the camera app. I said “say Phone!” and HE DID! He was motivated to do it because of the result he’d get at the end. So I do think that your programs are probably helping and I’ll keep positive thoughts for you that you’re able to get ABA services!!October 18, 2014 – 2:11 pmReplyCancel

  • AlwaysARedhead - When I blogged about my daughter’s depression when she was attending university I asked her permission. Right now you can’t ask your son’s permission but you can blog respectfully for him.October 17, 2014 – 8:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yes, you’re right… I definitely can blog respectfully for my son. Thanks so much for your comment!October 18, 2014 – 5:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Tatum - great post, Kristi, and so true. How to deal with our issues, as parents, and the importance of raising awareness about special needs … And letting our children define their own identity. It’s one of a myriad of reasons of why I’m on a blogging sabatical. Your work is important, your voice and perspective are important. I will respect you and cheer for Tucker, pictures or no. Xoxo and I miss you.October 17, 2014 – 10:31 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Tatum! So so awesome to see your sweet self over here. I miss you too. And yeah, how to let our kids define their own identities is so important… I know that helping parents feel less alone in their struggles matters a lot as well, but not as much as Tucker matters. I still hope I can figure out how to keep sharing but protect his privacy better. I actually wish I’d thought more about it when I started blogging but well.. better late than never. xxoo back at ya, Sweetstuff.October 18, 2014 – 5:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah - Yep. The constant debate. How much to share. I’m late here, and I bet I don’t have anything to say that someone has not already said, but I get it. And his handwriting looks amazing!October 17, 2014 – 11:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sarah,
      There are little dots to follow for the handwriting. Trust me, without those dots? Um, a pretty big struggle for him actually. And thank you for getting it. It really is a constant debate…October 18, 2014 – 5:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - I’m so glad that you took to blogging a few years ago! I think you’ve touched the lives of SO MANY of your readers, bringing a new sense of awareness and compassion with your posts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—you’re an AWESOME mom!October 17, 2014 – 11:53 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m glad I started blogging, too, Marcia. Thanks so much and you’re a pretty awesome mom yourself there, lady!October 18, 2014 – 6:18 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Here’s the thing. Tucker is LIFTED up here- by his mama. He is explained, discussed, loved beyond MEASURE, dreamed about, and embraced with the deepest kind of love there is…

    The love of a mother.

    I agree- pictures make him… *real* to me. I can take in his eyes, his smile, his precious hair and gorgeous eyes. I can *SEE* him… as you do.

    That is something. As are you words. Always.October 18, 2014 – 7:56 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, thank you Chris! Seeing him as I do is a big something. It’s what makes it the very hardest to think about not sharing him so much… I want to but I don’t want people in his life to have any assumptions about him ya know?October 18, 2014 – 6:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - Kristi, ss I read this, what struck me was that I had (and still have) the same concerns about writing about my children and neither of them have special needs.

    When I started my Inquiring Parent blog I used aliases and didn’t even put my name on the site. I wrote more about our family than I do now, mainly using the inquiry process to look at how stressful beliefs affected my parenting. My older daughter had a lot of illnesses and struggled with depression and panic attacks as a result and I didn’t want people to judge her because of that. I’ve never posted anything without checking first with my daughters, but if we don’t know the implications we can’t expect our children to. A few years ago my older daughter started blogging on Tumblr and shared information in her profile that I felt might put her at risk of attention from predators (using words like “socially awkward,” revealing her age.) She didn’t understand the implications at all, but she did change it when I asked her to and now she’s more savvy (and has a far larger following than I do.)

    Mostly, I’ve done what you are considering and used photos from when the girls were little. I guess in an ideal world it wouldn’t matter what we shared, because people wouldn’t judge and would gain in understanding. But people do judge, and so as parents we walk the fine line you describe so well. Is it fair to share information and photos whether or not our kids have special needs? I don’t know, but I do understand your dilemma very well.October 18, 2014 – 11:12 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yvonne,
      You make a good point – if WE don’t know the implications of sharing online, our children don’t either… the thing is, I so want to share but well.. like you said, we don’t know the implications and that’s worrisome at best. I love that your daughter blogs as well! Another writer in the family! I also get that a teen may not think that saying she’s “socially awkward” is a flag but jeez it’s a huge scary place this world of ours. And really when it comes to the special needs part of sharing Tucker – I definitely think that I’d have the same concerns were he typically developing. The special needs part just adds another layer of concern – people not necessarily out to do any wrong by him but who make make assumptions about him because of a label, if that makes sense.October 18, 2014 – 6:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Loved this and get it. Even for my “normal” kid…. xoOctober 18, 2014 – 3:11 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Deb and yeah, I think it’s really a concern for all parents… xo back at you babe!October 18, 2014 – 6:38 pmReplyCancel

  • April - He thinks bubbles are awesome because they ARE!

    I struggle with the amount I should share online. I see some blogs who bare it all and wonder what’s wrong with that? I haven’t heard of the backlash. Then I see others that use aliases. I do a mix of both, using aliases and using current pictures. I guess we’ll have to see what the future holds.October 19, 2014 – 10:46 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - April –
      Bubbles ARE totally awesome and I haven’t really met anybody who has had a problem with sharing… it’s more that I worry that Tucker will be labeled because of this blog and he may not want that. Thanks so much for your comment!October 22, 2014 – 9:50 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I also can’t draw carrots for shit, and I love bubbles.
    Scarlet sticks her tongue out while painting. I ADORE it.
    With Scarlet being five, I’m starting to wonder more about privacy and the like. She’ll be learning to read at some point. I hope?
    I’ll just have to have another baby so I can keep writing about tiny children. Yup.October 20, 2014 – 10:15 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly @OneQuarterMama - I wrote a similar thing here: http://www.onequartermama.ca/2011/10/permanency-of-internet.html

    I don’t use tons of pictures and certainly not his real name. My method is to judge whether I would tell a complete stranger these facts at a party or not. So certain things we keep to ourselves and I don’t think that takes away from the integrity of blogging.October 20, 2014 – 12:25 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree that the things we keep to ourselves doesn’t take away from the integrity of blogging. I do want to raise awareness for special needs but I don’t want to give my son a label that he may not have otherwise if that makes sense. Thanks so much for sharing your post about internet privacy as well!October 22, 2014 – 10:00 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - There have been times when I’ve read something a mother has written about her child, and I cringe because I know my kids would never want me to share something like that. I have NEVER cringed over anything you have written, and I would tell you if I did.

    I think you’ve balanced openness and honesty with discretion and respect for Tucker’s privacy. It will be harder to balance as he gets older, but you’ll deal with that as it comes. Trust your instincts – no one knows Tucker and how this space will impact him more than you do. If you haven’t figured it out yet, that’s okay. You’ll get there.October 21, 2014 – 11:24 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dana,
      Thank you for saying that you’d tell me if you cringed over something that I have written. I know you would and I appreciate that! And thank you. You are wise wise. I appreciate you believing that I’ll get there!October 22, 2014 – 10:02 amReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - I for one, hope you don’t decide to quit sharing. It would be a loss to all of us. I too struggle with this privacy issue and Lindsey is 34. I’ve asked how she feels about me sharing and she’s ok. She says she knows she inspires others and she’s glad about that. Right now, there are things I’m not sharing to protect my daughter’s privacy. At some point, I’ll be able to share, but right now, in the middle of chaos, I don’t think I should. I think I need to let the dust settle and really determine where we are before sharing. I think you will protect Tucker when you need to. You will share whenever/whatever is right to share and you won’t share the rest. Until it feels right. I love your pictures and your writing and your love of your son. Hugs to you.October 22, 2014 – 2:51 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks so much Linda! I don’t think I’ll quit sharing, but I do wonder if I should back off on current photos for now until Tucker’s older and can maybe understand what this huge internet place is, if that makes sense. I hope everything is okay with Lindsey and Nick! Hugs back, friend.October 22, 2014 – 10:07 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - First, I love your honesty. I adore that we were friends before we had to worry about you becoming famous and all. And I get this fear of yours. I find as Abby is getting older I am not sharing as much. She knows about the blog and unlike Tucker I can say to her, hey is it okay if I write about this?

    Bridget is another story. She doesn’t know. Unlike Tucker she never will know. Unlike Tucker her friends and their parents will always be able to tell that Bridget, is well, Bridget.

    I think it is a very fine line, in your case. On what you share about Tucker going forward. I don’t have the answer, sadly. But I get the struggle. Hugs my friend.October 22, 2014 – 10:22 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Kerri. Infamous maybe, to like my husband. And yeah, I get not sharing as much about Abby. When it comes to Bridget and Tucker though – is it fair? I mean I really WANT to advocate but at the same time… well. Thanks for the hugs, you, and thanks for getting it!October 25, 2014 – 12:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Don - I haven’t worried about privacy nearly as much as I probably should, but I figure my wife will tell me if I need to do so or whatever. Tucker’s peers will judge him based on his being Tucker at school and on the playground, etc. They won’t care what you say about him or what any of us think about him. They’ll love him for being one of their own because kids are cooler than we give them credit for.October 22, 2014 – 12:05 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You’re so right that kids are cooler than we give them credit for. I just hope the kids in Tucker’s class are nice about him not being as good as some of them at cutting and drawing and stuff… sigh.October 25, 2014 – 1:00 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - Very thoughtfully written. The balance between sharing enough so that it can be helpful to others while maintaining your child’s privacy is a tricky one and an important one to consider, regardless of how you decide to proceed.October 22, 2014 – 1:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Oh, look at me…late to the party, as usual! Know why? It’s because your posts are so very thoughtful that I can’t digest when I’m overtired, cranky, sick, or some other thing that I always am lately.
    I think you strike a nice balance between privacy and advocacy and awareness. The question of what Tucker is OK and not OK with is so complicated because he’s really just too young to truly voice an opinion.
    For what it’s worth, I have talked about Kidzilla on the blog, but only in the most general sense. And I never use photos, but that’s my own fear. I have a thing about her image being on the Internet, whether it’s my blog or not. I have thus far not shared much about her ADHD or associated co-morbidities (I hate that word – let’s say co-conditions instead) nor have I shared much about my own. I guess not for any reason other than that wasn’t really the purpose of my blog up to this point – it was really about me coping with the two years of unemployment we just went through and all that goes with that. But now, I’m considering sharing more about that topic and I’m really struggling to decide if it’s right, if it’s fair, if it’s going to affect her in some way. For example, I sincerely doubt anyone at her school knows of my blog. But let’s say they did. Do I want the moms of her classmates reading every little thing about her? Or do I need to put my money where my mouth is and say I’m open about her circumstances and my own? I struggle with it every day and I have no idea what the right answer is. I think I’d be OK with sharing my story and my details because I’m an adult who can defend myself and I’ve managed to cope pretty well and lead a successful and productive life with my ADHD. But for Zilla…while she knows herself well, she has so much to learn and experience and I just don’t know what the answer is.
    So that’s my two cents. If you figure out the answer, please let me know, too, OK?
    XOXOXOOctober 24, 2014 – 10:41 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa,
      So sorry to read that you’ve been overtired and sick recently. I hope you’re feeling better!!
      And yeah, it’s such a hard call to know what to do when it comes to sharing. With Tucker, part of me wants to share him because he isn’t what too many people still think of when it comes to autism and special needs and I have felt like putting his adorable face to it helps people to realize that all of our kids are just kids if that makes sense. But, now that he’s in mainstream kindergarten, I wonder if it’s fair. Part of me realizes that kids will already know that he’s different but part of me thinks (hopes???) that maybe they don’t and why let them in on it. Ugh. I’ll definitely let you know when I figure it out. Or, I’ll just whine about not knowing what to do on this here blog 😉October 25, 2014 – 1:12 pmReplyCancel

      • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Well, it’s your blog and you can whine if you want to… 😀
        There are days I wish more people knew Zilla was “different,” to use your word, because it goes a long way toward explaining some of the things she does or says. It hurts me to the core to think their interpretation is that she’s whatever word they might choose and not simply that she has what she has and it’s all part of the wonderful package of her. Some people tell me “don’t let anyone put that label on her” and my question is always why not? If she had a heart condition, or diabetes, or a severe food allergy, wouldn’t we want the label so that people could be aware and help her? Would we hide those things? Of course not. But when it’s something else – ADD, autism, LDs, ODD or whatever somehow we are instantly afraid. Know why I think that is? Because it is human nature to fear that which we do not understand. So many people don’t understand the ins and outs of these conditions and so they make assumptions out of ignorance and the whole negative perception cycle begins.
        It sucks.
        But you don’t. You’re awesome! XOOctober 25, 2014 – 2:17 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - HAHAH and dangit now that song will be stuck in my head FOREVER. But yeah, I get what you’re saying about Zilla. If you ever want to chat offline, I’m here. There’s tons of stuff I don’t say about Tucker either, even though it looks like I’m pretty open here. It’s hard. I want to do good. We all do. But yikes. We are afraid and I wish we weren’t. We should chat on the phone. Or meet by that stupid Thomas railroad.October 26, 2014 – 11:02 pmReplyCancel

          • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Haha – yeah, we probably should. E-mail me.October 27, 2014 – 9:12 am

  • Nina - Kristi I think your photos do what you intend—show that autistic kids can very well have common ground with their non-autistic counterparts, that’s for sure. It’s a delight to see him concentrating on homework and smiling 🙂

    Blogging is tough, and weirdly I don’t talk about my kids as much on my blog, even though it’s a parenting one! I try to focus more on me and my learning experiences than on their particular traits, both good and bad. It’s the privacy thing; I don’t want to feel like I’m writing a memoir that eventually my kids will read, and it’s all about them lol.

    So I hide a lot of information or focus on me. Because yeah, I totally get your conundrum about wanting to share and help while respecting your kids’ privacy. It’s a tough balance for sure!October 25, 2014 – 11:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for getting that, Nina. I really appreciate it although I still struggle with it a little bit. I know what you mean about not wanting to feel like we’re just writing a memoir (which is how this blog started actually – yikes). Thanks so much for your insightful comment. I guess I need to keep thinking about it…October 26, 2014 – 11:03 pmReplyCancel

Pet fish are my pet peeve. The following is a quick glimpse into my untrue “oh but they’re so much easier than puppies” experience with owning them over the past three years or so. I’m not talking the cool, complicated, awesome stuff of actually having a shark or some stingrays swimming in a tank built into […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • My Inner Chick - OMGosh! FUuuuuuuNNY.
    I know what you mean, Kristi.
    It seriously grosses me out…cuz they poop inside the water!! Don’t they have a freaking toilet someplace private?
    And then they die. Die. Die.
    What a tragic life.
    xxx
    Kiss from Duluth.October 14, 2014 – 5:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Mike - This was very funny, my dear 🙂 As a young kid my step sister had a fish tank (with fish) that I found soooo soothing to watch while listening to the bubble machine. It was a pleasant white noise. But, even as a little boy, I knew right away I wanted nothing to do with being responsible for the tank or the fish. Hence, you know what I asked for repeatedly and finally got 30 years later. So, I’m siding with Tucker and a hopeful new puppy coming into his/your life soon, Kristi 🙂October 14, 2014 – 6:50 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw sweets, they are very soothing but really you were the wise one in saying NO because they are SUCH a pain in the ass!!! Um, thinking about the puppy… sortof don’t feel ready yet, either…October 14, 2014 – 11:09 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I say “go for the puppy!” I am so with you on the fish. I never even attempted a tank, but we had siamese fighting fish (ie, betas) that lived in 2 separate bowls next to each other – one for each boy. Fortunately, The third boy had no interest in a fish. Fish #1 died pretty quickly. Fish#2 hung on for quite a while, despite the murkiest bowl you’ve ever seen. Just think, you could be cuddling a puppy instead of staring at fish poop.October 14, 2014 – 7:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Um, yeah, but the puppy is like a baby… maybe a rescue dog – Chief was one of those and amazing… and OMG those betas are MEAN. Had them before too… thank goodness LD didn’t want one!October 14, 2014 – 11:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Lana - So funny! Honest to god, a dog is easier than fish. I hated them! We finally gave up on the big tanks and got the beta fish that could live in a goldfish bowl. Much easier to take care of. And then there was the hamster…October 14, 2014 – 7:21 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think a dog is easier too! Except a lot more vocal if you forget to let them poop… ugh to the hamster… I’m NOT looking forward to those requests!!October 14, 2014 – 11:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Linda Atwell - Out One Ear - You know, just this second, I realized something. In the past we had a dog (I’ve never wanted to have fish due to the maintenance you discuss in this post–yuck!–especially because of how little you get in return (just my opinion in case a fish lover reads this)). But Arthur died a couple years ago and we decided not to replace him because of all the traveling we do. Prior to Arthur dying, my neck/back felt a lot better. So, I just now realized animals help when you are stressed. He licked my fingers and on my worst days, he made me feel better. My point? I hope Tucker gets a puppy. But again, just my opinion, dogs are better than fish. (p.s. we had a little dog, Shih Tzu. Remember when picking out a puppy, little dogs produce little things. Big dogs produce BIG things.) Our Shih Tzu was a huge people lover and sat next to us and always wanted to be around family. And they don’t shed all that much. And he was just the easiest dog. I’d recommend a Shih Tzu, but you probably already have some sort of dog in mind. I’ll live vicariously through your posts when you write about this new addition to your family. I can’t wait.October 14, 2014 – 7:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Linda!! My dog before Chief was Arthur!! And he was such a butthole. But I loved him, and he loved me. He’d have been horrible with kids but wow. We named our dogs the same!!! Anyway… I hope Tucker gets a puppy too but I’m not sure now is the best time… Chief was $53/day to board every time we travelled and well. It’s only now that Tucker seems to even remember him. I”m hoping I can buy a couple of years… and thank you!October 14, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Roshni - You just described my life a few months ago…and now we do have a dog!! 🙁October 14, 2014 – 7:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG!!! YAY that you have a dog!! I’m not sure we’re ready again… but maybe??October 14, 2014 – 11:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - I feel your pain. Gwen insisted on buying a huge aquarium with her own money, and she regrets it. Dozens of fish have died, the water is a pain to change, and well – you said it all. And we HAVE a dog – why in the hell did she want fish too? And don’t get me started on the goldfish that she won at the fair four years ago – that damn thing is still alive.October 14, 2014 – 8:02 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aquariums sound SO much better than they really are for real. We HAD a dog… but well, he’s gone now and Tucker for the first time seems to remember that he had him in the first place and is that true that you’ve had a goldfish for FOUR YEARS???October 14, 2014 – 11:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Allie - Kristi, that is hilarious – and if it’s true, momma – it’s time for an intervention. I personally think anything that I have to keep alive (plants included) that I didn’t give birth to, suck. My kids keep harping for a dog and everyone tells me how good it would be for Bear – but the WORK involved, I don’t know.October 14, 2014 – 8:04 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Um yes, totally true. And yeah, WORK. All of it work. I had an amazing dog when Tucker was born and he died when T was like three, and T didn’t seem to notice but now is all WHERE IS CHIEF??? Like omg weird and um maybe puppy time??October 14, 2014 – 11:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - LOL I remember those pictures. I don’t know if this is the same post but I laughed all over again. I’m telling you if you want the fish to die they WILL be the most hearty fish you’ll ever care for. I looked at my tank last night and wondered when they last time they’d been fed. In the beginning we treated the water, fed them everyday and cleaned the tank like every three weeks. Fish died all the time. Now I clean the tank whenever it’s like so gross I can’t stand walking by it, feed the fish when I think about it and never treat the water. They are still hanging around and having babies. At this rate, I’ll have a fish tank forever.

    I hope Tucker gets his puppy.October 14, 2014 – 8:43 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It’s partly the same but redone completely (recycled some of the drawings because why not) and I’m so glad you get this!! I feel guilty wanting them to die already but OMG they are just annoying and gross and of COURSE yours are hanging on! I’m so glad my tank is empty in the basement. But um, if Tucker were to say something tomorrow, we both know that I’d be all over the pet store making him some new friends or whatever….October 14, 2014 – 11:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Bwahahaha!!! We did the fish go ’round. I won’t even tell you how many times my husband drove to Petsmart after the kids were in bed to replace the fish before the girl woke up so they wouldn’t even know. Not only did we kill our own fish, we also killed 4 hermit crabs and 2 fish we were pet-siting while some friends were away on an extended trip. I say go withe puppy!October 14, 2014 – 8:51 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG the secret drive to Petsmart once the kids are asleep??? HAAHAH!! Also I swear I am NEVER getting the hermit crab. I hope, anyway… here’s to a puppy? Maybe???October 14, 2014 – 11:48 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - OHMYGOSH this is HILARIOUS!!! Oh Kristi- do I have a fish story for you too! It would take too much time to go into details- but I have been through something VERY similar!! And I ended up (after Cassidy’s fish died of depression- I swear it was depression. I told her we needed to talk to it and encourage it to live live LIVE!!! It died. She cried. I cried. It was indeed depressed.)

    I bought four 25cent feeder fish to make BOTH kids happy. I promised they would live- and be HAPPY!!!

    Oh they lived all right.

    I fed them three hearty meals and two snacks a day.

    They grew…

    And grew…

    AND GREW…

    Until after buying several more BIGGER tanks along the way…

    They were SO freaking big we couldn’t handle it anymore!!!

    They would SPLASH water all over the room because they didn’t have enough room for the two foot tails to swim.

    So we donated them to my friend’s pond.

    I wonder if they are still alive.

    I need to go ask my friend.

    I swear, they were ENORMOUS. Over six inches long- including their tail? Probably larger.

    I talked to them every day… and went to go feed them too.

    For MONTHS after they left.

    I also spent months checking in on them with my friend. She assured me they were happy!!!

    It’s been a few years.

    They are probably too big for her pond.October 14, 2014 – 9:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG Chris are you for real? Were they goldfish??? Goldfish can get HUGE and I loved this story of yours and laughed out loud that they are maybe too big for your friend’s pond… can you please check??? Kinda gross but kinda amazing too!!!October 14, 2014 – 11:51 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Also, for real? Depression???October 14, 2014 – 11:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Vanessa D. - I had an aquarium when my kids were young. Usually things would be going along great and then one of the kids would “feed” the fish. Or a bottle of fish medicine would get dumped in. Everything would die and I would start over again.

    Ironically, I had a beautiful plant in there that kept growing until it filled the tank and yet my house is usually where plants go to die.October 14, 2014 – 10:58 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Vanessa, I suck at plants, too. Sadly, I also sucked at the fish tank plant and now? Am so done with the whole fish thing that I may never find out…October 14, 2014 – 11:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah - The Ick! God, I hate fish. Such an enormous pain the ass! We had them for years, and I NEVER cleaned the tank but put up with Brian doing it the Messiest Way Possible months after the water was so low that the falling sound of it (coming out of the filter or whatever thing it was) was driving me out of my mind. Since we moved to MD, I have REFUSED to allow him to set up the tank, which now resides in our garage, but I suppose I will relent some day. I hate pet fish.October 14, 2014 – 11:32 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - They are SUCH a pain in the ass, Sarah! UGH. Glad to know that I’m not alone in it! That’s funny about the filter – we had the same thing happen. And also, how in the hell do they even get the ICK?? It’s not like they didn’t wash their hands after using a public restroom or something.October 15, 2014 – 10:38 amReplyCancel

  • zoe - Told you about catfish Gil. Let me tell you about Barney the hamster and how social services paid us a visit related to a story my then kindergartener decided to make up about his death because (and I quote) “in the real story he just fell asleep. “October 15, 2014 – 2:57 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG Zoe! For real? Social services came to your house because of a dead hamster?? HAHAHAOctober 15, 2014 – 10:38 amReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - We bought our son a fish tank for his birthday and it was the worst gift ever.
    Our fish got those weird white patch things and we did the “open our wallet and buy all the things anti-fungal” so that our son wouldn’t ask us why his fish looked different because we had to flush the dead ones and replace them because these parents feel awkward about Jesus talk because well, Jesus…October 15, 2014 – 7:20 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - hahah, Kimberly! Cracking up! Did he ever figure it out? That’s awesome that you replaced them on the down-low.October 15, 2014 – 10:50 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Get the puppy. It will never take the place of your beloved Chief but it will be a world to open up for Tuck. Plus touching a dog is much less gross than touching a fish. The relationship Bailey & Bridget have is freaking amazing. Wait, maybe get a dog not a pup because then you have to clean puppy poop. This post cracked me up by the way, awesome job b/c like I needed it today. Really did.October 15, 2014 – 10:14 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Argh though to puppy! I mean totally adorable and all that but it’s like having a baby! Maybe a rescue dog that’s already trained or something. Maybe… I’m glad that this made you laugh, Kerri. Sorry that you needed it though…October 15, 2014 – 10:51 amReplyCancel

  • zoe - what was really priceless was the way he told his teacher who called DSS that I hit Barney repeatedly with a board because I was afraid of mice… he had seen it on the Flintstones or something… Barney died in my hands and I was the only one who cried… the guys were all “oh well.”October 15, 2014 – 10:49 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I am laughing my ass off. HAHAHA seriously. He told the teacher that you hit him with a board because you were afraid of mice? That is beyond awesome (I mean, for me to sit here and read about it – I’m sure it totally sucked for you at the time). I’m laughing WITH you. Mostly. HAHAHAHOctober 15, 2014 – 10:53 amReplyCancel

  • Marcia - Blogitudes - Oh yes. Fish and the tanks they live in – most expensive, time consuming pets our family ever had. Never again. Never ever again! LOL I absolutely loved your post and your terrific art work. Thank you very much for the laugh today. 🙂October 15, 2014 – 11:04 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So most definitely the most awful and most expensive pets ever!! And thank you so much for saying that you like my stupid-looking drawings!!! 🙂 I’m glad they gave you a laugh.October 16, 2014 – 12:25 amReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - Lol! This is a perfect and hilarious description! I did the fish thing in college – never again! We have a hermit crab. My son won it at a fair and my husband and I had bets going as to how long it would last (he said 10 days I said 2 weeks). We have had it for over 2 years now – a very easy pet, little maintenance, no noise, better than fish! 🙂October 15, 2014 – 4:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Elizabeth, the fish thing? SO overrated!!! My son wanted a hermit crab when we were at the beach this summer and I said no way, assuming they’d be stinky and gross but really? It’s been great?? Maybe something to reconsider. Tonight, he said he wanted a white cat after seeing some YouTube video… but I’m horribly allergic so probably no cat unless we get an ugly bald one which husband also says no way to…October 16, 2014 – 12:35 amReplyCancel

      • Elizabeth - No sticky and gross – we have shredded bark in the tank (along with colored sand) and it smells kind of sweet the way bark does. I am kind of with your husband on no ugly bald cats…October 16, 2014 – 9:58 amReplyCancel

        • Elizabeth - “stinky”October 16, 2014 – 9:59 amReplyCancel

          • Kristi Campbell - Yeah, I’m kinda with husband on the no bald cats too but… well, we need to get some type of pet I guess.October 18, 2014 – 6:52 pm

  • Tamara - I don’t know, Kristi.. I think 18 months is great! I usually expect 18 hours.
    Poor, poor placastomus. I will never have fish or birds as pets. It’s the whole water/sky thing. And also, the cost factor, really.
    (It’s mostly the cost factor)October 15, 2014 – 11:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dude. It was like THREE years, all said and done. And yeah, the fish thing sucks.October 16, 2014 – 12:36 amReplyCancel

  • Rabia @TheLiebers - Seriously, not even ten minutes ago I mentioned that I want to get my son a fish tank for his birthday! Maybe I should bookmark this and re-read it in June when that days gets closer. Maybe it’s not such a good idea!October 16, 2014 – 3:51 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Rabia! Definitely rethink the fish tank. They are SUCH a pain in the rear. Seriously. They’re really pretty when they’re clean though…October 18, 2014 – 6:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Yup, best laugh I’ve had all day – and not at you, but with you for sure. Fish suck. Yes, a shark in the wall would be awesome, but pretty much fish suck. I could have told that story point by point, no joke, except that at the time I was Miss Single Gal and there was no adorable six year old boy in the story. Or any other adorable boy for that matter. Hmm…maybe that’s why I got the fish? No idea.
    Oh, and that puppy thing? Yeah, they have to OUTSIDE in all kinds of weather to do their business. Which means YOU will take said puppy outside to do said business. Take it from a converted cat-hater…get a cat. They pretty much handle themselves and they poop in a box, no outside walks in the snow required.October 16, 2014 – 10:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa, I would so totally get a cat except I’m really really badly allergic to them. Like I cannot breathe around them. HAHA to no adorable boys in your life being maybe the reason you got the fish! And they totally suck. Totally!October 18, 2014 – 7:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - I almost hate to say it but this was hilarious! I say I hate to say it because I can only imagine the nightmare that it truly was. I actually never thought of how much work a fish tank could be. My husband likes them so I’m sure our children will get bright ideas one day. Will I be the one who has to clean it? Ugh! Probably!October 17, 2014 – 3:53 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Brittnei,
      I never would have guessed how much work that fish are either but they are SUCH a pain. I like the idea of them, but the actual them? Not so much… I’ll be here when you want to vent about cleaning the tank though!October 18, 2014 – 7:18 pmReplyCancel

  • Lillian Connelly - I could have written this myself! The fish are just so aggravating. I think puppies are easier.October 21, 2014 – 11:04 amReplyCancel

  • Jana - I can’t grow plants and I can’t keep fish alive — it’s just the way it is and I’ve come to accept it. No pretty aquariums or lovely houseplants for me.October 21, 2014 – 11:19 pmReplyCancel

  • piper george - Husband: I want a giant salt aquarium with hundreds of expensive fish, risks and beautiful coloured growing plants
    Me: You’ll never look after it
    H: I will, I will, I promise
    Me: We’ll start with something smaller and cheaper

    6 months later, staring at 60 litres of green algae and the 6th set of fish

    H: I want a puppyOctober 23, 2014 – 1:34 amReplyCancel

Today’s Our Land post was authored by the fabulous Allie Smith of The Latchkey Mom. Allie is awesome – seriously. She’s funny, introspective, deep, a great writer, and an amazing mom. Each summer, she takes her four kids on a road trip. By herself, and on purpose. She journals her trips at Road Warrior Mamma and […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Emily - I think many of us with special needs children need time — and yes, sometimes this take years — to process the acceptance of having a child who doesn’t fit the “mold” of what we envisioned. And, I think it’s so honest of you to share your thoughts on this (and I love how that little bus was so symbolic of working towards that acceptance). I know I went through this and it wasn’t until I volunteered to work on our SEPTA (Special Ed Parent-Teacher Association) where I felt I truly ‘came out’, so to speak. I love how you ended this too, showing us that your other children are not ashamed to support their brother…beautiful!October 7, 2014 – 9:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Allie @ The Latchkey Mom - Thanks Emily, I really appreciate your comments. And I agree, it can take years!October 8, 2014 – 8:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Emily, I know Allie already replied but I just wanted to add a thank you and agree that it takes years. I still struggle with it at times – maybe because Tucker’s so social with other kids (adults are another matter). Also now I need to find out whether we have a SEPTA! Thanks for that!October 9, 2014 – 10:42 amReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Definitely tugged on my heartstrings tonight and will admit that readily now, but still love how you said you are w or kin progress, because I think we all are and can’t thank you enough for sharing about Barrett here tonight.October 7, 2014 – 9:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Mike - What a terrific post Allie and not only has your evolution as the mother of Barrett been heartwarming and courageous it also shows just as much in your writing. I’ve learned a lot about autism from following Kristi’s blog for about a year now and the Our Land series is absolutely beyond reproach. You had mentioned your very early experience and I too had one similar to that in middle school as I was a tutor for other students (my peers). I quickly evolved as a young adult in a positive way when it came to handicapped or disadvantaged children. I love that even now, all these years later I can continue to learn and grow within myself in understanding these absolutely beautiful children through mothers like you. My blessings to you and your family and thank you so much for sharing. Also, thank you for sharing her with us, Kristi 🙂October 7, 2014 – 10:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Allie @ The LAtchkey Mom - Thank you Mike. I am so impressed with kids today. Bear is now in Middle School and there are 13 peer volunteers in his class (of 6) and they are wonderful. They never seem the least bit phased and frequently advocate for their special friends.October 8, 2014 – 8:33 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Mike, I miss you! It’s so good to see you over here. Truly. I love that you were a tutor to your peers and that it helped to shape you toward having more empathy for the students who were different from you.October 9, 2014 – 11:22 amReplyCancel

  • Kerith Stull - This is such an important topic to talk about within our special needs parenting community. We all talk about inclusion and acceptance, but I think we all have felt that discomfort being around other special needs kids. My daughter with moderate cerebral palsy is 18yo and I’ve only recently in the last few years become more comfortable around her friends at special needs activities enough to reach out to them, interact with them, and treat them as I would want others to treat my daughter. Let’s keep this dialog going and talk more often about it!

    (P.S. Maybe someone with a child who uses a wheelchair could speak to this more directly and personally, but, quite honestly, I was uncomfortable reading “wheelchair-bound” in your piece. They are not strapped down to their wheelchair as users often were 100 years ago. Surely a different term could be used that more respectful reflects wheelchair users. Just throwing that out… one SN parent to another.)October 8, 2014 – 9:30 amReplyCancel

    • Allie @ The Latchkey Mom - Thanks Kerith. I meant no disrespect – and you are correct, a different term would be better. In my deference, a few did have restraints, because they didn’t have the body control to hold themselves up.October 8, 2014 – 1:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks Kerith, and thanks for pointing out that there may be a better term than wheel-chair bound. I didn’t catch that one (we are all growing more empathetic) and I know what you mean about the discomfort at times. And I agree that we should keep the dialog open and honest – it’s really what’s going to help all of our kids the very most.October 9, 2014 – 11:23 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh I get this. I so get that feeling of not the short bus, please. And looking at other children and thinking well it’s not that bad. I think it is a very scary but long process but the important thing is to keep working towards it not hurting so much.October 8, 2014 – 9:54 amReplyCancel

    • Allie @ The Latchkey Mom - Thanks Kerri. I do regret that sometimes it takes seeing more difficult situations to feel better about my own. It sucks.October 8, 2014 – 1:55 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Here’s to us all working toward these things (which are truly conveniences so often but also come with so much stigma) not hurting. Thanks, Kerri.October 9, 2014 – 11:24 amReplyCancel

  • Katia - What an honest and raw post, Allie. I was so moved reading it, I almost wish I had waited until after my lunch break at work… I do strongly believe that life presents us with learning opportunities and makes us confront those precise things that scare us most. Our biggest hang ups. I think you and I have even had that conversation before. Thank you for opening up about your gorgeous boy and the arduous road to accepting realities you can’t change. I loved reading about your aha moment. There’s so much to learn from that. I shall definitely be rereading this post. Lots of love, KatiaOctober 8, 2014 – 12:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh Katia, you are so awesome and yeah, I agree about life presenting us with so many opportunities for confronting that which most scares us – well said, friend. Well said.October 9, 2014 – 11:25 amReplyCancel

    • Allie @ The Latchkey Mom - Thank you for your very kind words Katia. I truly appreciate them.October 13, 2014 – 6:59 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - So honest, Allie – thank you for sharing your journey with us. When you wrote of your three kids cheering Barrett on and being jealous of the short bus, it made me think of all of the kids I know whose siblings have special needs. They are some of the most amazing kids I know, full of respect, compassion, and acceptance for everyone they meet. I bet your kids are amazing too.October 8, 2014 – 2:27 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dana, I agree with your comment about the siblings of kids with special needs being absolutely amazing. I wish Tucker had a twin. Like for real… and I got to meet Allie’s kids (they are awesome).October 9, 2014 – 11:33 amReplyCancel

    • Allie - Thank you Dana. I do hope that they will continue to be such strong supporters during the pubescent years – you know? I’d hate to see them crumble to peer pressure.October 13, 2014 – 7:01 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah - I understand this process so well. How beautifully and clearly you have written it.October 8, 2014 – 2:59 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sigh Sarah. I agree that Allie wrote it amazingly well. But am sighing because I know you get it and it’s HARD.October 9, 2014 – 11:33 amReplyCancel

    • Allie - Thank you Sarah!October 13, 2014 – 7:02 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Ahh! You two have met! Well I’ve met Kristi and Kristi has met Allie.. so.. one day. With photos.
    You were such a rockstar yourself for pulling yourself up and introducing yourself to the teacher. I got chills from that story!October 8, 2014 – 5:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It’s almost like you two have met each other Tamara! And yeah, Allie’s a total rock star for introducing herself to the teacher. Brave and important and plain old awesome.October 9, 2014 – 11:37 amReplyCancel

    • Allie - Thanks Tamera. I could kick myself for not going to Blog U – I was so close!!!! I would have met so many many blog friends. Next time.October 13, 2014 – 7:04 amReplyCancel

  • natalie - Fantastic! For several years I worked with special needs kids as a substitute in the school system. So I thought I knew something. I guess not. Your story brings it all closer to home. It’s real. It’s honest. It’s understandable in a way that I couldn’t grasp as a substitute or an aide. Thanks, Allison, for opening my eyes (and I’m sure many other)a little more.October 8, 2014 – 5:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Natalie, I’m sure that you know a lot more about these incredible kids than you realize and I think it’s wonderful that you worked with special needs kids. I think everybody would benefit from being around them and realizing that they’re just kids with needs and desires and that sometimes, they just need some extra help. Thanks so much for your kind comment.October 9, 2014 – 11:40 amReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - I love your honesty in this post Allie. I think many people would relate to it, not necessarily about special needs. We all have beliefs and fears that we need to face and you have done that so well.October 8, 2014 – 6:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree Yvonne. People all face fears and beliefs that they overcome and struggle with. Good point. 🙂October 9, 2014 – 11:44 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I really enjoyed your point of view Allie. Thanks for sharing. Your fears and reservations are very relatable. Real and raw AND humourous – I giggled about the sound effects of the bus coming in the neighborhood.October 8, 2014 – 8:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Can you just picture the neighbors all nosily peering out their windows to see what the noise was? I could!October 9, 2014 – 11:47 amReplyCancel

  • Robbie - I love the honesty in this. At one point in my life I thought I wanted to be special education teacher and I got a job as a para in an elementary school. It was an eye opening experience and though I loved the kids I learned that working with students who are profoundly physically and cognitively challenged was not my calling. I did go on to teach early childhood and had many students with IFSPs/IEPS in my class and I learned so uch.October 9, 2014 – 10:31 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Robbie, I love that aspect of this piece as well. I *think* I’m doing and advocating but realize that many of our neighbors (fairly, with reason) don’t even know that Tucker has delays… I mean the short bus came for the past year but well. It wasn’t loud and now he’s on the “regular” bus… sigh. This comment is coming out the wrong way but I know what you mean!October 10, 2014 – 7:25 pmReplyCancel

  • Tricia - Such a wonderfully told story, so open and honest. Thank you so much for sharing.October 10, 2014 – 7:44 amReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - This is amazing. I’m so glad you wrote about this because I still secretly harbor thoughts such as, Oh, my daughter’s disability could be worse; or, I’m glad my daughter isn’t in a wheelchair; or I’m glad my daughter looked typical as a child. I just didn’t want her to stand out, be any different than she already was. I too remember that first moment when I realized that “these other kids” (one’s that were obviously more disabled than my girl) were actually our tribe. Lindsey had joined the Challenger’s Softball Team. The kids that showed up were very different from my daughter and some ran around in the outfield screeching. At first, I too was uncomfortable. But I must say, Lindsey played for three seasons and by the end, I was a lot more comfortable. Sixteen years or so later, my daughter married one of the guys from the team. So this story touched me. I think you should receive a brave sticker for sharing. Hip-hip hooray. You rock!October 10, 2014 – 5:51 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Linda,
      I harbor thoughts like that as well. While I’m so very grateful that Tucker’s so social, and mobile, I do see a lot of his differences now that I’m at the “regular” bus stop each morning with so many typical kids. In the special ed environment, it’s so easy to see him as normal or even “doing really well” in comparison. It’s just HARD. I did try fairly hard (I think???) to bond with a mom at preschool whose son had pretty severe needs – I always tried to engage her in conversation, etc, but she never wanted any of it. Maybe it was me. But maybe it was her – just so tired of questions and stares that she couldn’t deal with another potentially curious person? Anyway, that’s a ramble. Thanks though and I agree that Allie gets the brave sticker.
      When are you going to write an Our Land for me anyway? 😉October 10, 2014 – 7:30 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - I think your initial reaction was a common one—don’t beat yourself up about it. Just from reading this post, I can tell you are an awesome mother and that your children are blessed to have you as their mom.October 10, 2014 – 9:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Bron - Hi there,

    I am a long time reader but perhaps my first comment.
    Thankyou for sharing this story it was written so openly and honestly.
    It’s so interesting as I was having a similar discussion with friends and I always find it educational listening to individuals views in disability/special needs which mainly comes down to first hand experience.
    I am on the other side being that I have lots of experience with physical disabilities but behavioural I am still learning.
    My son attends a mainstream primary school with a full time integration aide and being there he has taught so many kids and parents life lessons about changing their perceptions of someone who uses a wheelchair, has communication difficulties and needs support to perform simple daily tasks.
    I look forward to reading more of your blog.
    BronOctober 10, 2014 – 9:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Allison Carter - Allie- as I said in person, I found this piece incredibly moving and one of my favorite things you’ve written. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.October 16, 2014 – 8:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Kellie - This is such a wonderful piece explaining the journey you’ve been on. As a professional working with children with additional needs I’ve often been in the position of breaking the news to parents and being the one to discuss the little bus. You’ve given me a much deeper understanding that I’ll take with me in my work. Thank you.October 17, 2014 – 1:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Anna - I prefer the term wheelchair user. “Bound” suggests that a wheelchair is a disabling device, which is contradictory to its nature.February 12, 2015 – 10:33 amReplyCancel

My childhood neighbors meant easy-access friends, open doors, warm porches, sheet forts straddling short chain-link fences, and grabbing rights to the kind of soda and snacks never allowed in my own home. There is one neighbor who I cannot remember without picturing the bushes between our houses. Those bushes were a hiding place for us, […]

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by Kristi Campbell

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  • Kelly L McKenzie - Yes, we go looking for the neighbors and we find them. Eventually. It may not be where we thought we would but we find them.

    This topic has leads me to make the follwing apology. Should anyone reading this know Rosemary Breeze, please apologise to her for me for pushing her constantly into the neighborhood hedge oh so many years ago. And for making her sing “Twinkle twinkle little star” over and over in her oh so out of tune voice.October 2, 2014 – 10:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kelly, here’s to finding them, wherever they are. Also, poor little Rosemary Breeze!October 3, 2014 – 6:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Allie @ The Latchkey Mom - Oh Kristi. I remember toddler play dates. I hated them I was constantly comparing the boys to other kids and always coming up short. It was terrible. In our first neighborhood, we met really good friends, but had to leave to get Barrett more help. In the Maryland neighborhood we had no friends – it was a long story. In our last neighborhood, we were the autism family with the kid who always ran away:). And now, well I don’t know what we are, but we’re happy. The bus stop is hard. When Hunter went to school it was just me and one other mom, who I am still friends with today, but our kids never clicked – and that was weird. Kindergarten moms are a bit over the top. They all chill out by 4th or 5th grade, I promise.October 2, 2014 – 10:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Allie! Our bus stop is actually K-6. There are a couple of really nice moms there but it’s just not the kind of setup that I’d like to have with kids running around together and all that. Maybe it’s us? That’s very possible… Sometimes I wonder if it’s because so many moms with kids Tucker’s age are so much younger than I am. Anyway, maybe I’ll find that ‘hood one of these days. Or somebody cool could move in next door…October 3, 2014 – 6:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Mom friendships are such an odd thing. I’ve found that as my kids got older, I chose my friends based on them and not their kids’ friendships with my kids. I like it better that way, and I feel lucky to have some of those friends as neighbors. Oh, and I was never a bus stop mom, but if I had been I would have totally hung with you.October 2, 2014 – 10:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Dana! I wish you were at my bus stop. And maybe one of these days, I’ll meet an awesome mom neighbor who likes me and my kid. It could happen! 😉October 3, 2014 – 6:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate (Shakespeare's Mom) - I’m so glad that you were able to find supportive “neighbors” through Tucker’s teacher and his preschool, and as Dana said in her comment, I would totally hang out with you at the bus stop too!
    I’m not sure physical neighborhoods will ever be as open and welcoming as they were in our childhoods, but I’m learning to find neighborhoods in other places, especially through blogging. I haven’t been on top of things enough to participate in FTSF for a while, but it’s nice to be back!October 2, 2014 – 10:50 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks Kate! I’d totally hang with you and Dana any day. I know what you mean about finding neighborhoods through blogging. Maybe because we all share so much of ourselves including the most personal – we “know” each other in a way that is harder to get to with small talk? I’m so glad you’re back at FTSF!!October 3, 2014 – 6:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Nicki Gilbert - I love your interpretation and discovery of “neighbors” – so so true and thank goodness, right?!
    Your description of your childhood neighborhoods made me long for similar in my childhood, Kristi. I did not grow up that way at all – South Africa was a weird place in the 70s and 80s :).
    And also, “cool moms” who don’t acknowledge other people are definitely not cool! You’re the cool one, and they are missing out! They’ll find out soon enough ;).October 3, 2014 – 2:55 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Nicki, yes so so true! And I just realized I spelled your name with two “k’s” on your blog – sorry about that. Thanks so much for your sweet comment and for doing FTSF this week. You’re awesome. I loved reading about your childhood in S Africa and then Israel.October 3, 2014 – 6:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Alison - I am lonely. We live in an apartment, and I don’t see my neighbors much, and there’s very little opportunity for interaction. 90% of my friends live around the world. I have a couple of friends I text/ talk to/ see often (until the twins were born), but I still feel lonely.

    If I didn’t have my Internet friends, I would probably die of loneliness.October 3, 2014 – 6:30 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m so sorry that you’re lonely, Alison. I know how you feel and so hope that you find relief from that soon. Maybe there will be some awesome twin group where you meet a mom as amazing as you are. Here’s to internet friends. For real. xxooOctober 3, 2014 – 6:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I am always so impressed with the post you turn out when I know you wrote it in just under an hour. I loved this post and I listened to you read it just like you did at that “listen to your mother” thing. I think this would be another good entry.

    I really think our childhood neighborhoods were the best. I lived in an apartment up until 6 grade and even in the apartment complex we had some wonderful adventures.October 3, 2014 – 6:59 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kenya,
      That’s cool that you “heard” it in my voice! Thanks for thinking it’d be another good addition to that show (people are not allowed to try out each year – we have to wait for another year to make sure there are new people for each show). And YOU should try out!! EEP! That would be cool!
      I miss the old days with the easy kid playing adventures! And the 45 minute thing – sometimes I think it’s kinda sick that I need the pressure. Also, I always end up editing after hitting “publish” and feeling like a moron!October 3, 2014 – 6:57 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - EEP is right. I don’t think public speaking is my department 😉 LOL at hitting publish and then editing.October 4, 2014 – 8:06 amReplyCancel

  • christine - I used to do the same thing, trolling the neighborhood for someone, ANYONE, who would be my friend. I was blessed to find one. And several years later, another one moved in next door. Neighborhoods certainly aren’t what they used to be.
    Oh, the things we used to do all day long. While my kids have had a great childhood, I’m sad that my kids don’t have the same type of experiences. This living in the country can be very isolating.October 3, 2014 – 7:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Christine, I’m SO glad that you get it – trolling for somebody, ANYBODY to be a friend. It’s kinda sad that it seems so many of us have been there, especially when we have small kids, which is pretty much when we need friends the very most as married adults. I’m really glad that you found one. The place next to us is currently vacant, undergoing renovations so….maybe? Maybe a friend? And as to your kids’ experiences, I’d vote that the fact that there are many of them is almost as good. Plus, pigs. And mud.October 3, 2014 – 7:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh my friend, I get this. I totally get that the neighborhood of 1970’s (Christ I’m old) is not the neighborhood of the 2000’s. Some of it isn’t Tucker-related but just how this world has evolved. But the part that is having a special needs child-related. That sucks. Because you need your hood now more than ever.

    Hugs, my friendOctober 3, 2014 – 9:10 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Kerri. I think it’s all of the things, combined. I really almost went somewhere different with this post but well… here it came. I guess it was good for me to write. And you are MEAN to send me that amazing house that is affordable – here it would be $2m I bet. Because now I want to move there. And what’s this about a job for Robert?October 3, 2014 – 7:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I feel like we grew up on a similar street in the same neighborhood…or maybe that was our generation and how neighborhoods were “back then”? It’s funny because when we moved to our current house, I wanted to live on this street because it reminded me of the street I grew up on, where everyone had small yards and so we all played in the street. As for the mom-friends, I can so relate to that lonely feeling of not finding that tribe at first. When we lived in NYC and my kids were young, I was desperate for the mom companionship and in the city, it’s so hard to find that feel of a neighborhood. I joined a playgroup and had a few mom friends in my building, but it still felt so isolating at times. I can see I’ve now rambled — I guess I should have participated in this prompt this week!October 3, 2014 – 9:17 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Emily, I think it’s a combination of the when and the where. Where we are now is so transient. A lot of people move in and out – stationed here for just a few years. I’m not sure if that’s it, or if it’s that I’m so much older than some of these moms, or what, but I miss that and wish Tucker had it! And um no pressure but the link code is open for an entire day more…October 3, 2014 – 8:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom - I feel like blogging has become my neighborhood of sorts! Thanks to Kelly McKenzie for encouraging me to join in the #FTSF fun.

    Your post resonated with me. I feel much the same way, especially at the bus stop. What’s interesting is that in my old neighborhood (which was an old neighborhood from the 50s with older homes and people of all ages), it was sort of like neighborhood nirvana. Our homes were smaller and closer and we seemed to let the kids wander more and enjoy themselves more. It’s only the last 3 years in a subdivision that I feel like everyone keeps to themselves and it is very artificial vanilla!October 3, 2014 – 10:26 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I feel like blogging friends are neighbors too, Katy. I think that there’s something to be said for how much we disclose through our writing, that we might not in person (at least me… when people are busy and whatever, we don’t really talk about us and our pasts and how we feel.. but we do do that in blogging, which is why I think we’re more neighbors than our neighbors a lot of the time). Ugh to the artificial vanilla. We have that here, too…October 3, 2014 – 10:29 pmReplyCancel

  • don - Your childhood sounds eerily similar to my own! We were never the house that had the good food and fun stuff in it, so we lived in the neighbors’ houses as often as we could!

    I find that many of these bus stop ladies are intolerable, if you get to know them well enough, so save yourself the time. Better to find one or two kickass mates than have a posse of fake bitches to call friends. Or something like that.October 3, 2014 – 12:58 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - What the hell happened that our kids don’t do this anymore and thank you iHubs for the reminder that the bus stop ladies are intolerable even if they’d ever know me.October 3, 2014 – 10:33 pmReplyCancel

  • Vidya Sury - Oh Kristi – neighbors, while growing up..even until I was in my early 20s were tribe. It seemed like everyone’s house in the neighborhood was Liberty Hall, an extension of each others’ families. Not any more. I think busy lifestyles and the mad rush from one thing to another has made it harder for people to connect face to face. And moving to a new place and trying to fit in, ugh.

    Sending you hugs!October 3, 2014 – 1:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Vidya, thank you so much. yeah to the moving and fitting in, although we’ve been here for a bit now and still don’t… maybe it’s us. Or maybe it’s being an older mom, unwilling to get into the drama? But thank you for your sweet comment. It means so very much to me.October 3, 2014 – 10:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Ryan - What ever happened to the busy streets full of kids?! I used to have that in my neighborhood. Now my daughter is the only little kid on her street!

    Screw the other moms, you are wayyyy too cool for them anyway 🙂 Love your post as usual.October 3, 2014 – 1:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I KNOW right girl Ryan? I want the streets and school parking lots full of kids. haha to me being cool. You are too cool. F’real.October 3, 2014 – 10:38 pmReplyCancel

  • jaklumen - I think everyone can relate to the change of community. I for sure can, because my childhood was during the ’70s and ’80s, too. Neighborhoods were much more open then, and they definitely aren’t, now.

    I don’t intend any guilt with this next statement, really– but I’ve felt much more alone as an actively engaged father, especially since I’ve been on disability. Guys would repeatedly ask me about my employment, and then clam up when I couldn’t give them an answer they wanted. I stopped doing play dates long ago because I’d be the only father there, and when the women stopped talking about parenting stuff, they talked about women things. I felt terribly out of place.October 3, 2014 – 1:24 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - UGH to the change of community… really. They were so much more open (and better??) way back then. And no guilt needed for you admitting that being the dad in those situations was shitty and lonely. Being the only dad there was, I’m sure awkward and icky and empowering and also just plain old weird because moms are sucky bitches sometimes and other times the best of all of us… I’m sorry you felt so out of place…October 3, 2014 – 10:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - When I grew up in the ‘burbs of D.C. I remember it being lonely, too. People moved a lot – with changes in administrations, because they were from other countries and their governments moved them, because they were military families and their postings changed. Now I live in a neighborhood of starter homes, 75% of which are rentals, and the tenants change a lot. We find our neighborhood with friends even if they are not withing walking distance. You are so correct that we have to create our own neighborhoods.October 3, 2014 – 1:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Maybe it’s DC then, Elizabeth? Because OMG I cannot believe that I’ve walked down the sidewalks here, said hello and not had even a reply back. It blows me away. Your neighborhood now sounds really nice… even though it’s not in walking distance. Also? Thank God for the internet. Really.October 3, 2014 – 11:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - I love your last line Kristi, “somewhere, in looking for my neighborhood, I found my neighbors.” I have felt that way often, that neighbours aren’t necessarily those people who happen to live in our street, but those we connect with in some way.

    What you wrote about feeling lonely reminded me of how I felt when my girls were very small. We moved when our older daughter was a baby and, although I thought I could make friends anywhere, that particular town beat me! We moved a few year later, and have lovely neighbours now. There have been times when our street is that open door street you dreamed of, and our house has often been the centre for kids coming and going. We’re going through a quieter spell just now since the girls are older and busy with school work, but climbing trees, cycling in the streets even playing “Hunger Games” – it does still happen. I hope you get your dream!October 3, 2014 – 3:39 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I feel it too and thank you for getting that line, Yvonne! The world is SO messed up right now that it just breaks my heart and I wish that the kids we all have could just run free and easy from one house to another… not that they’re related but maybe? Maybe they are. And thank you. I hope that I do, too!!October 3, 2014 – 11:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Bianca @ Rant Rave Crave - Your post made me smile & cry. I miss my childhood neighbors. Like you, I struggled finding that kind of community after I became a mama. I’ve dealt with mama drama, with mama wars as well so I totally feel you. I am glad you found your neighbors, even though they’re not on your block, I’m glad you found your people.October 3, 2014 – 4:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I so miss my childhood neighbors and am so glad that you could relate, if only that it leaves me less alone – thank you! I’m glad I found my people too – you, being one of them. Thanks for that.October 3, 2014 – 11:42 pmReplyCancel

  • allison - So beautiful. I thought that motherhood as a SAHM would look so different, too, not as isolating. I found my “neighborhood” but then my “neighborhood” changed and I feel like it will change again. Here ‘s to life’s ebb and flow and for community, whatever it looks like. Sometimes I wonder if blogging is our new neighborhood in some ways…October 3, 2014 – 5:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Allison – what’s UP with thinking that motherhood would be more communal? I wish for that so much. And it seems like so many of us do… Here’s to blogging, baby. Because yes, it IS the ‘hood now. For many of us, I think…October 3, 2014 – 11:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I remember that feeling of isolation when my oldest was first born. I even put some flyer in my neighborhood to try and start a play group, but nobody showed up. Eventually, I did find some friends, but I have grown apart form many of those over the years. I feel like I have a whole new “neighborhood” of friends in the blog world. They (you) are truly some of the best friends I’ve ever had – it just stinks that we are all so spread out and don’t get to do play dates and girls nights regularly!October 3, 2014 – 5:50 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa, I LOVE that you put up a flyer in your neighborhood looking for playdates!!! I tried so many and they were all just plain SUCKY sadly… but I wanted wanted those friends so much and I, too, feel like my new hood is mostly made up of online (you) friends that are really hard to explain to the rest of the world. It’s like, we share so much of ourselves through our writing, things we’d never say in person that I think we do actually know one another better sometimes than we know IRL friends… if that makes sense.October 3, 2014 – 11:46 pmReplyCancel

      • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - It completely makes sense. I agree that we share things online through out blogs that we might not normal share in person and that means many of my blog friends know me better than my in person friends.October 4, 2014 – 9:45 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Mine too! Sometimes that makes me really sad. But then I think “would I really say something like ‘I’m really lonely’ to an IRL friend at dinner or happy hour?” probably not. Sometimes, maybe simply because during those minutes, I’m not? Still though we do share so much more online. Sigh. And hugs. And too bad we don’t live closer.October 5, 2014 – 8:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - Beautifully written post, Kristi!. I’m so happy that you found your “tribe.” The moms on the block who have not extended their friendship to you do not know what they are missing out on. I’d LOVE to be your neighbor! Funny thing is, I found my tribe in the blogosphere. I know we all live miles apart, but I feel like everyone is right here beside me. XOOctober 3, 2014 – 10:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh Marcia, I’d SO love to be YOUR neighbor. But yeah, I get it. this blogosphere thing – we Know one another with a capital K. 🙂October 3, 2014 – 11:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - This piece is priceless. There is often a gap between what is in our heads and reality. Sometimes, I like the reality I discover accidentally better than the picture in my head that I thought would be perfection. Wow, is that a long thought. I’m thrilled Tucker played with cousins, that he played. Baby steps are the greatest steps of all.October 4, 2014 – 2:51 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sometimes, I like the reality better than what’s in my head too Linda but I do wish that my neighborhood was more like the one that I grew up in – where kids are out all day, dashing into one another’s houses and of that. And yeah, Tucker playing with his cousins was AWESOME.October 6, 2014 – 6:48 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - The best posts are written last minute, aren’t they?
    I had a similar neighborhood childhood. It was just… awesome. We were like a little army of cretins, swarming the neighborhood.
    I really thought we’d be THE Halloween house to beat. And the one swarming with kids. And it kinda is, but we live in the woods and people don’t even know we live here. No trick-or-treaters at all.October 4, 2014 – 7:08 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sometimes the last minute ones really are the best. Maybe we don’t overthink them or something? I really should be smarter about posting on a schedule and thinking of what I’ll write before the last minute but… well. That’s a bummer you don’t have any trick-or-treaters but your house is awesome and I’ll bet it’s super cool decorated for Halloween!October 6, 2014 – 6:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - I guess by the time I was growing up the open door thing was over somewhat. I do remember a few kids who lived in the neighborhood in different places we lived that we played with. Some kids I was closer to than others. Now that I think of it, I can remember going over their houses and vice versa. But you’re right. It just wasn’t the same once I got older. You know what…I just thought of a neighbor I had in our last apartment complex that was a lot closer to me than the rest. She was Cuban lady and I only spoke Spanish with her. It didn’t last because they moved away. I read about the lives of so many bloggers and I tend to think I’m the only one who doesn’t really have local friends, but I see that’s not true.October 5, 2014 – 3:07 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yeah, I think a lot of us don’t have many local friends. I did find some when Tucker started his preschool program but most of the time we see each other, we’re with the kids so the type of bonding people do when they’re next door neighbors or something doesn’t happen as much maybe. I do miss the way it was when I was a kid though!October 6, 2014 – 7:02 pmReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - I feel sad so often for my kids. I think back to my childhood in the 70s and wish my kids could know that freedom, that uninhibited fun and unending adventure. For all the “things” they have today they are still missing out on so much. As for finding friends, I’ve been lucky enough to find a couple that I like spending time with and who get me, accept me as I am. I work on helping my kids nurture those kind of true, meaningful relationships because I’m all about quality over quantity. Our normal life IS normal. It just doesn’t look like the picture in Perfect Mommy Magazine….because it doesn’t exist. I wish I lived by you. We would totally rock that bus stop!October 5, 2014 – 8:19 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sandy,
      I know what you mean about wishing our kids could know the freedom that we had growing up. It’s so different now. I wish you lived by me, too!! And you’re so right – our normal life is normal. Thanks you.October 6, 2014 – 7:04 pmReplyCancel

  • Joy Christi - You had great neighbors! I talk about this w/my family and my husband all the time. Growing up, we would go into our neighbor’s house ALL THE TIME. Their kids were grown, but they would give us treats and talk to us and play with us, they were retired and liked the company, just like we liked having adult attention because there were always TOO MANY KIDS in our house!
    Now my neighbors barely talk to us, never go outside or if they do and we force our way over into their backyard, the kids are so busy fighting each other to play with my kids. The adults are too busy cleaning or cooking or doing something inside to visit. It’s SO LONELY in my neighborhood! It sucks. There is no community. I am trying to build some sort of tribe with the parents from my daughter’s preschool, but it’s on the other side of town, which is where most of them live. We are trying, but it seems like everyone is just so “busy.” It’s sad. I’m thankful for my blogging tribe at least! They’re smart and really funny and lovely. e-hug ?October 6, 2014 – 11:41 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Your neighbors sound awesome, Joy! I love that they were so cool and welcoming to you! Sorry that your neighbors are kinda sucky these days. Never going outside is just weird. My neighborhood is lonely too! It sucks! I strike up convos at the playground but a lot of times those don’t work either (maybe it’s me).
      I’m really thankful for my blogging tribe too Joy!October 6, 2014 – 7:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Lillian Connelly - I miss the neighborhoods of my youth too. We moved into a rural community and everyone on our road is over 50 with grown up children. We fell in love with the house and never really thought about the future. Our daughter has nobody to play with so we make a big effort to get to the park and now she is in preschool and making friends. We are still building a community and it is slow going.

    I am so glad you found your tribe. I think that makes all the difference!October 7, 2014 – 5:34 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sigh to the neighborhoods of our youth (or yewts, to quote that movie we all seem to love from back then). Ugh to the slow going but it sounds like you’re doing all of the very right things!October 26, 2014 – 11:07 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah - I wish we were neighbors!October 11, 2014 – 2:46 pmReplyCancel

  • Seana Turner - I think anytime we are living a reality that is — in any way — not mainstream, we feel isolated. Whether it is a special needs child, extended unemployment, illness, whatever. It feels like life is going on so normally for everyone else, and we are over here wondering how that can be? I’m so thankful that you’ve connected with a community of people who share your normal. That kind of group has been a lifesaver for me when I’ve been in similar shoes.October 26, 2014 – 2:58 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think you’re right about us feeling isolated but I so wish that weren’t the case. I want to feel more connected and I DO have a PAC community but we’re all at different schools, and well, I wish the moms at the bus stop were better? THanks so so much for your sweet comment!!October 26, 2014 – 11:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Oh how I love this… I love that you searched for bonding and friendships and through each season you were able to find someone to join hands with you in the parenting journey…

    Those lonely isolated times and feelings stretch into every mother’s heart, I believe. It’s amazing how powerful having just ONE person be WITH you is- and I have lived through seasons of change in those friends as my kids have changed and I have changed.

    I think it happens to everyone really. In our own ‘neighborhoods’ where we roam…

    That picture is PRICELESS!!October 30, 2014 – 12:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Piper George - Oh I know just how you feel. I wanted to make friends and have that kind of life when I was pregnant. I grew up in a neighbourhood where we all climbed the tree in my front garden and cycled round and round the pavements – and now I live in a remote house with no neighbours or pavements and I still, 8 years on, find it so hard. I want my kids to be able to knock for their friends without me having to drive them over first. Still – I found my group, even if it was through the dod walk and not through the mums.November 4, 2014 – 2:37 pmReplyCancel

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