On Being Thankful, Bed, Mothering, And Guilt

At one point in my life, I strived to be the last to leave a party. Always, afraid I may miss something. Today though, or, at least last night, I was the first to leave, afraid to miss what was going on at home and afraid that missing it would equal unwelcome repercussions.

My son’s hand in mine, with the words “hug me and don’t go.” That he thinks about when he was young, which was also yesterday and tonight, when he wanted me to stay. That I hug him tightly and relish it while also wanting to leave his room to pee, to write, to not be in bed just yet. Feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

I want to be home for my son when he goes to bed. That sounds altruistic and motherly, but selfishly, it also means that I’m able to take advantage of the fact that on weekends, there is usually at least one day when my husband lets me sleep. When I’m not here for bedtime, which is rare, it means that my son remembers that at 3am.

It means that sleeping in on a weekend day isn’t sleeping in.

While I remember how much I adore sleep, the only time I have to write is late at night, once my little boy is sleeping. It’s a bonus when my husband is, as well. The house is quieter then. More reflective and more mine.

It’s late here, and we’re hovering on the eve prior to Spring Break with no plans. My husband’s job has been demanding recently and he’s been hesitant to commit to anything, and rather than pushing and scheduling, I rolled with it and now find myself with my son’s Spring Break tomorrow (TOMORROW!) with no plans and no schedules. I need to work a bit as well.

I’m not really sure how well that’ll work out but plan to try and roll with it. To find thankful within it.

I’m also thankful for art and community this week. A little boy’s art that has come so far.

The best part of kindergarten is toys and Legos. The worst? Burp. (and no, he can’t spell these words on his own but he is getting really good at writing his letters!)

I’d actually forgotten about the Listen To Your Mother Cast party and went Saturday night. It was awesome to see last year’s fellow cast members, meet this year’s, and reconnect with some from prior years. It was also really awesome to be reminded that our stories are important. Everybody has so many.

Telling them is liberating. I am so thankful to have taken part in Listen to Your Mother.

A few of my friends are recovering from not being chosen this year and I want to remind them and all of us that their stories are utterly amazing. That they were brave to try and that I hope they’ll try again. One friend has been told “no” twice and is reading this year. Keep telling the stories.

I’m thankful for the words “Not Bad!!” by Tucker’s Tao Kwon Do teacher, when we’ve been wondering whether the class and the moves are too much for him.

I’m thankful for spring break and for this little boy, in a movie today, sipping his lemonade. For his superhero hair. And his superhero self.

That we kicked the ball back and forth in fading sunshine after the movie.

That we played in the too-cold dirt before it.

What are you thankful for this week?

Your hosts: A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) Wall, Amycake and the Dude, Considerings, Finding Ninee, Getting Literal, I Want Backsies, The Meaning of Me, Thankful Me, Uncharted, The Wakefield Doctrine

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