Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

It Only Takes Six More Minutes Of Sleep

It’s funny how sleep is both endless and a finger-snap* in time. On endless-feeling nights, I know I must be resting, because surely I’d have felt bored had sleep eluded me from 2:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. I check the clock to see whether I’d been out for five minutes or five hours, hoping for the later; hoping for the former. My mind bounces from one thought to another, some rational, some the opposite of rational, and others wondering about a snippet of a dream as it recedes back into the waves.

Many nights, it’s been six minutes and I’ve flown an airplane or fallen off a cliff. It only takes six minutes of sleep.

Those nights feel good. I suppose there’s reassurance in resting while not being completely out of it. They only feel good the next morning though. They’re frustrating while they take place, six minutes at a time.

The finger-snap in time nights are bliss, and terrifying. I wake to the alarm after not waking at all, and feel thankful, but also like anything could’ve happened. Those nights feel dreamless, dark, and restful. It’s hard to not fear that sleeping so deeply could mean I might not wake were I on the brink of death. Stupid and ridiculous, I know. But also, this is how people die, sometimes. It’s how I hope to die, a long, long time from now. After I dine with my old man son.

My favorite moments of sleep usually happen just before I wake. It’s then that my pillow nest is perfectly positioned, I’m the exact-right temperature, and is when I have the best dreams.

It Only Takes Six More Minutes Of Sleep

“Six more minutes,” I think, and turn off my alarm, falling into a former dream, or into a new one. Five more alarms go off before I have to get up for real without being late. Sometimes, I turn a few in-between alarms off, leaving only the latest for insurance. On those days, getting a few more minutes of sleep is the first thing I think of.

Having six more minutes of sleep isn’t always the first thing I think of. I wonder whether I forgot a birthday, remind myself to send somebody a card for a house-warming, and email myself book and blog posts ideas.

I think “Will Tucker make a friend here the way he did at ‘home’?” Then, “What do you mean by ‘home!’ Home is Colorado, and always has been for you.” Except, it hasn’t.

This state is new and old and everything between, with memories of hurt and joy intertwined. I disliked Virginia at first, with its bugs, humidity that took years to adjust to, and east-coast rudeness and traffic, but, somewhere along the line, Virginia became home. It’s where I met and married Robert. It’s where Tucker was conceived and born. Where Robert almost missed it. Our townhome in Virginia is where my son can walk to the neighbor’s alone. Where the community playground is a gathering place for moms, soccer balls, bubbles, and snacks. It’s where kids take turns flying off swings.

It’s where I felt at home volunteering at school, year after year.

In early morning hours, I worry whether my little boy will be okay after I’m gone, and try not to think about his life after me. I tell myself he’ll be just fine, while playing a film in my lizard brain about the moments I feel I failed him. The moments when I wasn’t enough.

I walk to the bathroom, do my business, and head downstairs to pour a cup of coffee or iced tea, depending on my mood. Having already had 1,001 thoughts within the past few minutes, I take a few to have mindful ones. “I can’t change anything about all the yesterdays,” I say.

How I wake Tucker will affect his day. His life. I let myself feel the ways in which I’m his perfect mama, humanly flawed, and humanly divine.

I climb the stairs to his messy room, and see Nugget sleeping at the foot of his bed. She jumps to the floor, before I can take a photo. I open his blinds, kiss him, and whisper “Hey, sweetest one, it’s a brand new day.”

He swats me away, or asks me to tickle his arm. He needs six more minutes of sleep, too. And then, he’ll face his day.

*** This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, with the prompt “The first thing I think about each morning is…”

*I can’t help but think about a certain somebody’s finger-snap when it comes to sleep and the world. #avengers

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  • Janine Huldie - Aw, I know this feeling well and most days it really does just boil down to those six more minutes and just hope that I do make the most those minutes overall ❤️May 9, 2019 – 8:22 pmReplyCancel

  • Lizzi - Heheh funny. I get up in increments and alarms of five minutes. Six sounds better.May 10, 2019 – 2:46 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - He’s just like you!
    Remember when we didn’t have to wake them up? They’d be up early as heck. Des is still like that. I usually sing to Scarlet. Badly. Like I’ll sing the Sleeping Beauty Waltz because she’s working on it both for a piano recital and for the school talent show.
    Or whatever is going on that day, I’ll make it into a half holiday. “Happy Walk to School Wednesday!” “Happy, I’m Making Waffles with the New Waffle Iron Today!”
    That works for now.. ask me again when they’re teens and I’ll probably burst into tears.May 10, 2019 – 7:12 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG yes, I do remember when we didn’t have to wake them. They woke us (some nights over and over and over again as babies… I miss those days but also GAH). I love that you sing to Scarlet (and everything I sing is sung badly). Love the half holiday! Walk to School Wednesday sounds awesome! And OMG the teens and tears. Yup.May 12, 2019 – 8:21 pmReplyCancel

  • SpecialMomma - Snoozing for an extra 6 minutes is the icing on the cake when you’re all warm and cozy in bed. I think it’s so nice that you don’t rush T out of bed either. It probably helps him ease into his morning without the yucky stress of “get up and get moving NOW!” I love how you wake him up so gently with your soothing momma voice.May 10, 2019 – 7:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I can’t imagine how grumpy and sad he’d be if I yelled, although I remember my dad being frustrated with us as teenagers and yelling and taking ALL THE COVERS (!!!) off when we weren’t up on time. xoMay 12, 2019 – 8:22 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I keep forgetting that I haven’t seen Avengers so I’ll get the “finger-snapping” reference later. The first thing I think about when I wake up and don’t have to is “why am I up?” Particularly this time of year on the east coast our bedroom is very light at 6am. I’m a morning but I don’t that at all on the weekends. One of these days you have to have your camera ready and tiptoe in and get the picture before Nugget leaves the bed 😉May 11, 2019 – 3:24 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So how far are you on Avengers? None of them yet? They’re SOOOO GOOD. I think you’ll love them. I actually saw my first one on Mother’s Day years ago and was surprised how much I loved the movies. I think I’m still a few missed, but the last few have been amazing.
      As for the morning light, part of my pillow nest is designed to block the light out. 😀 And yes, I definitely need to get up and sneak in one morning to capture her on the end of his bed. It’s too sweet.May 12, 2019 – 8:24 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya - I’m all caught up now, so I thought of you on the finger snap scene. Endgame was the only one I hadn’t seen yet. I’ve read so many spoilers – the main one following the finger snap so I didn’t cry. But there were enough happy suprises. I need to know more about your pillow nest. Sounds comfy.May 13, 2019 – 9:18 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - You already knew what would happen with the finger snap? Dang. I don’t know if that’s good or bad… I was so sad! LOL the pillow nest – it’s just that. I have four that I use to cover my eyes (but not nose or mouth), one under my arm, another angled up behind my head… come visit and I’ll show you!May 17, 2019 – 8:42 amReplyCancel

  • Yvonne Spence - Interesting how you noticed thinking of Virginia as “home.” I have a theory that when we move about (as I also have) there’s home everywhere and nowhere.

    And yes, I can relate to sleep being both long and short and to thinking I’ve lain awake a long time and then realising I couldn’t have. Once I woke up at 4 or so, went to the bathroom and back to sleep, then woke up and looked a the clock and it was 3 am. It took me a while to realise I dreamed the other wakening and meantime my mind came up with all sorts of crazy ideas about what had happened.May 12, 2019 – 10:11 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You’re so right about home becoming everywhere and nowhere when you move around. There are, of course (as I’m sure you know), positives and negatives – a new place is always a challenge with friends and familiar restaurants etc. But it’s good, too. A new start. Those dreams where you dream you woke are bizarre and always leave me feeling other-worldly!May 13, 2019 – 1:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I’m jealous you can fall back asleep into a dream! I rarely dream or rather remember a dream nowadays, which is weird…I feel like I used to remember dreams a lot more when I was younger. I’m wondering if it’s old(er) age/anxiety which prevents it?May 13, 2019 – 3:53 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It only happens with those weird morning dreams, where you’re kind of in and out of sleep enough to remember. During the night though, I am either tossing and turning or almost dead. It’s kinda scary. I think I remembered them more during the night when I was younger, too. It can’t be old age though because we’re not THAT old!May 17, 2019 – 8:43 amReplyCancel

  • Christine Carter - Aw, this is so beautiful, so introspective, so inspiring. I love reading your thoughts and all those incessant twists and turns that take you in ALL the places in your mind. I saw a lot of me in them all…May 28, 2019 – 6:11 amReplyCancel

  • Kerry - One of your lovelier posts on this blog Kristi. So much sweetness in your motherly writing.June 7, 2019 – 7:04 pmReplyCancel

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